Elucidating Questions

What future could I want

I thought I knew what I want but it was proven untrue

I think this is how I decide I don’t want anything

The want doesn’t exist when there is no desire

And the desire decided to be erased

I tried to laugh it off but I couldn’t quite get over the sting so I took it back

Was it on the floor before

The ocean is so fucking blue right now

Deep and dark and blue

I wish I could live there

There’s no money under the waves

I could go wherever I wanted

I could swim anywhere any time

I only wish there was another time

I’m so used to being tossed aside

Far too empty to want to start to know any new faces

Far too hurt to ever want to try again and start it from hello and then

There’s nothing left of me to try to put together the possible tomorrows that never come

Hope is a lie that proves itself in time to be nothing but a shy thought that wanted to trick you into thinking it was worth it

But it never happens and when the time comes to realise it turns around and laughs at you for believing the lies it whispered to you so long ago

Like a fool for ever believing in anything so grand and foolish

It sinks in its teeth and drinks what you made

A sick twisted juice that feeds only the pain

Of never having a tomorrow that’s any better than today

And it drinks until it’s full and then flies away

Laughing and leaving you behind where you stand wishing you just had a hand but as soon as the thought that someone could come

Comes up in the mind it’s back again waiting and whispering false truths

So it can once more make a fucking fool of you.

This day

This fucking day

Every day is this day

If every day after this

Is the same as every day before this

Why do I have to stay here and live this

Again and again and again and again

Why do you hate me?

Why do I have to watch everyone else grow up and be happy while I sit here waiting again and again and again and again

Only for nothing to ever change or happen only for no chance no light no nothing

Why do I have to get up to live this day again and again and again and again

The numbers change and people change and reality changes but I just stay the same

Every day is a day I won’t remember

Every single fucking day is gone

The same day of nothing and no one and endless memoryless emptiness

Why are you making me live this?

Over and over again and again

I beg and scream and cry and plead and

Just something

Please just give me something to hold on to anything to make the day worth living

Anything please I’m begging you I need anything

And I give and I give and I try so hard to give everything I can so that there is a chance that something

Anything

Something

Please for the love of

You took him away from me

You monsters took him away from me and I didn’t even know I needed him

It doesn’t get better it only gets worse

You keep taking and taking and taking

And I’m begging and pleading and scrambling to make sure I have them all safe so you can’t take anything else away

But it’s still the same day

And I still don’t remember anything

And it never gets better

The box can’t fucking save me.

It’s started

Do I tell them I’m crazy?

They’ll think I’m crazy anyways.

Anyone who doesn’t know your song won’t know what I did.

Anyone who does will hate it.

But that’s what happens when I can’t change the song and it hurts so I make my own words and then your words get lost

I do it all the time

Writing in my mind against the rhyme to fit the time the words grow and shrink

But I don’t even have to think they just pour out of me and I didn’t want it in me so it’s out

You don’t care

Or that look on your face I’ve never seen but I know you make

Sometimes I swear I hit publish and I hear you sigh

But that’s too damn bad because I’m usually crying and you’re usually living the good life

So you don’t get to complain or comment about my stupid unimportant sad sorry state of a life

Take that and don’t smoke it because I’ll be fucking mad if you do

But I’m drunk again so that says something too

I have a choice and I choose to drink it away so it goes away every day and I don’t care what that means for the

Oh the future and the state I’ll be in

Oh but I don’t want a future so I’ll be in the same state a little later a little closer to what I want because I can’t ever have what I want no not even a nod.

Not even a small hint.

Make up your fucking minds.

It’s not cute and I don’t like it and you can all go fuck yourself it feels like the tenth already

I don’t want it to be the fucking third of fucking October.

I want it to be over.

Over over over over over.

I don’t want it to be over.

But I want to be over.

I want him to live the rest of his life happy with his beautiful perfect girl and his beautiful perfect dog and his beautiful perfect fucking face.

I want to be over.

I’m so over this place.

Back from once

Lost to thought

Ready I’m not

I’m so dumb

I want no me

But that was easier said than done

Night is day

Things can go from slim to none

But I am done

And I just want a loaded gun.

I don’t want to be

Nobody needs to see this

I tried to resist

But it’s dark and I have nothing here that fits

I want to go, but I failed it

I don’t want to stay and I shouldn’t

Want to say no, but I couldn’t.

So shoot me in the face.

Caught inside the chill of your cold embrace.

I want to kill my heart.

Cause baby, I just can’t listen

I can’t listen to the start.

Meant to be?

It’s all been just foolish childish fantasy.

Because now it’s fall and I’m invisible as I’ll ever be

And after me just comes to them so easily

Fucking easy

And loving them means nothing.

But I can’t leave you so.

It’s so interesting to look at

The shape of the scars

The stab wounds are still so angry and pink

But the rest just make me sink into them

Never deep enough but there they stay

Looking like the knife just pressed into them

The lines still stay

Indented forever like the pieces of my heart

They aren’t even pretty like ribbons some of them I can’t tell apart.

The whispers on my left because my right was too weak

The one on the outside from when I got frustrated

It only looks like it was deep.

Not deep enough.

One looks like a tiny cross across the crisscrossing lines

The only lines I ever had control over

The only choice I have to make

Sometimes I look at it

Not once have I thought it was a mistake

Not like why

Now that it’s faded I wish I’d made it deeper because it was a damn good question and I wish I’d remember what caused it

But all these marks don’t add up to strength they add up to failure in my mind

When I see others’ scars I want to hold them and tell them I love them

But no one wants to do that

Not with me

I don’t want me

Why should anyone else?

All these failures

Just add up to scars with no tales.

I’ll be whatever you need just tell me

I’ll be anything just let me know

You can tell me anything I’ll hang on to your every word

Just tell me you want to talk to me and I’ll do anything to make sure you still want to talk to me

No one even has to know

It’ll be a secret

Like everything I do it’s a secret

A secret because I’m invisible you see

I’ll be your invisible friend

And I’ll do whatever I can to be whatever you need

Because I’m desperate for anything

Anyone

Anything

I don’t care what it is or how it’s said

I will always be here waiting to be whatever you need

I’m just waiting for your order