Elucidating Questions

How many licks does it take to get to the centre

But my question isn’t how many licks

It’s how many drips

How many pills

How many times do I give in to my body giving up

Before it gets back up again

All the breaking and aching and broken pieces and systems not working quite right

Burst capillaries muscles pulled by invisible string joints cracking creaking

Pop it’s in

Pop it’s out

Crunch it’s back in again.

How many times do I pat myself on the arm and say

You just need a day off

Or

You just needed some rest

Or

It’s okay that I feel so sick because it’ll be fine later

When it won’t

Sometimes ravens sound like turkeys

Why isn’t it turkies

Monkey

Pony

Damn Turks.

So today we continue in our separated directions

Let’s reminisce about the year that brought us here

How we found each other in this place where no one finds anyone

And then let’s just continue in our separated directions

Striking out against the failure of freedom

We just keep doing what we were doing like there was nothing

There’s a tiny voice in me that wants to say

Let the bear rest he’s on crutches again and I feel so bad

There’s a tiny voice that watched his every move and wants to tell him not to be afraid of the camera

It’s not a gun.

But the voice gets smaller as I continue in this separate direction

And don’t see anything but the nothing I was trying to get away from.

You break me every day

You break me down and I break down at some point

Every day the heartbreak finds me and I wander the halls wailing like a ghost

Like a ghost

I never wanted to be a ghost

I just hope to die every day

It’s not the same I don’t want to be left behind I don’t want to be here any way

In what defense do I call I have none I never had any

Come at me with the sharp things you want to say

They’re true aren’t they?

Or you wouldn’t think it.

It must be true then.

To be thought.

My mind and my body are failing me they want to go back to bed and never get out again

I’m so tired so tired I can’t feel anything

Not even the sting of words said unsaid

Please just follow me

I only thought I knew you wanted me

But I don’t have anyone else

The set up becomes so oppressive

When the build up just leads to a punch line

Building up to bring nothing

Where does the warmth come from when everything is so cold?

It only hurts for a moment

It’s the same thing but slightly different

That I’m here but there’s nothing to be done or said for it

Happy day

For whatever reason

Happy your day

It doesn’t mean anything to say that these are same ones I had before

It’s already broken so what is putting it back together

Does it reach even the darkest places?

The silent great something that I somehow have to believe wanted me here for whatever reason

What is faith and why do I need it when I already uncovered the truth of the demon

Of hope

The strange consequences that are never consequences

I can’t hold it

I don’t want it

Just like I didn’t want the war

Don’t leave me with this monster that tells me it’ll be okay

From my window I can see the lights

I’m fine I tell them

I don’t know what else to say

Telling everyone I’m fine

But who knows the truth

It was never just you who showed me the darkness inside

No one meant to show me

But I find it in the breaks and the way it gets sharp

When they sing the words unlocked from their heart

But sometimes the words mean more to someone else

Sometimes the sound never quite belonged to you

You had to give it up

I don’t see anything here in this dark place

But I know that when the clock strikes

I’ll still be alone

And they’ll all be excited and enjoying all this effort they made to make it a day

But it’s not for me

I’m not invited

It’s already over

I didn’t think this day would come

I didn’t want this day to come

Not like this

Not like this

Probably new music probably announcing the new thing they made

Without me

I really did think we could work together to make something

I was foolish

I was wrong

The grey is just the remaining colour of my soul

I don’t know what you see or think you see

But the colours all washed out

So they’re gone now

I can’t just ignore them then I’ll just be just like them

He didn’t ask for them and when he didn’t want them I was surprised

But what was there to be surprised about?

Who wants to receive hundreds of notes about nothing?

I did it.

I’m just a crazy person.

I keep my word.

Thank God I’m never sober.

Thank fucking god.