Elucidating Questions

Did you notice me noticing you and completely ignoring you?

I’ll take that as a yes

This sky

Is never what I want

In the Summer it’s clear

But light, so no stars

But then when the darkness comes back the clouds do to

What was my observation about this song being covered today?

The original singer already had an unassuming tone, now this one is just unassuming overload

Now here’s my rock cover of it

Do you see me ignoring the contents of the song?

Does the Universe have skin?

Like…

Most things in the Universe seem to have skin

Outer layers

Time after time

Does the Universe?

What is it made of?

What does it feel like?

Can I touch it?

Don’t excuse me, these are the important questions

I still want to know what petting the Sun feels like

He looks fluffy

I’m not going to let you break my mood

With your requests for yearning

Because the bad mood Pichu shocked the Meowth whose skeleton showed, so Cubone thought he was a friend and waved his bone, so Merrill spontaneously sang, and created a rhythm, so the Bellossom started dancing and when they started dancing the Pichu’s bad mood got better

Japanese people scare me with their abilities to speak Japanese at Mach speed

But it was cute so I’m in a good mood

Just like the Pichu

And the loneliness is banging on the walls

Trying to get in

And it’s in the night that I want to reach

Did I choose?

I haven’t learned, then

Since I can’t remember choosing

I don’t know how to not choose again

Only one of us had a choice

Mine was decided by the threads of madness

Woven in

I want to know the direction of relief

Where can I go to ease this ache I now carry?

And thousands of broken hearts later it doesn’t tear like it did

Much like beaten flesh it just aches

So I can leave it in this condition

Within me though

I don’t know why you went through that trouble

I don’t want to relive it

It’s alright

It’s okay

Just keep it quiet for a while

Maybe it will heal with Time

I should italicize that it’s dripping in sarcasm

There

No

But it doesn’t matter though

It’s an okay day today

Just have to pull this mess along with me

Oh, you’ll be fine

If I’m fine

If I worry about you

I won’t stop

You did come in like a wrecking ball

And now my heart hurts

Thought it was someone else

Why do you do this?

Happenstance?

I think I had one stray thought

But that was it

And then you smashed into me with emotion

My whole chest aches

Heartache is so strange

I wanted to yearn

“That’s so funny”

Happenstance

Crashed right into me

You won’t trick me

I don’t know why you try to trick me

I won’t want

You can’t make me

Even if the answer is still the same

He won the game

It’s a different place now

Wish I’d brought my headphones after all

Listening to people gleefully happening to bump into each other

辛い

No casually bumping today

Who knows if that scoff was aimed at me

Waiting for the day someone claims I don’t need my walker

The wolf’s truck (not his truck but the same one he used to drive that always makes me miss him)

Ludeness alert

I found a toy that’s way better than a human so

I honestly don’t really miss him that much anymore

He used his penis well

That’s about as far as his redeeming qualities went

But there’s another random happenstance

Why are you testing me?

I hope everyone gets home safely today

Don’t know why but that’s there

Just saw some kids driving

Personal opinion? Anyone under 19 should not be driving

I know adults wanted to be lazy and hated driving their kids everywhere

But that’s a whole child behind the wheel of a dangerous weapon

Ugh I just want to go home and be over this day

Working is hard

I get so tired

A conversation I don’t want to have

Handydart showed up

All my nails are falling off

I’m so tired

I just don’t have the energy for being friendly to strangers after work

I just want to sit quietly

I just want to enjoy my solitude for the moment I can

Before it chokes me alive again

Oh good now they’re listening to music on their phone on the bus

Why this?

Why?

It’s like the world is currently trying to annoy me

Get some reaction

I just want peace, for a moment

I’m so hungry

I woke up hungry and then drank a protein shake instead

They’re labeled “not meant to be a meal replacement”

Too bad

But now I’m very hungry

Existing in two seperate worlds

Unaware of eachother

I wish the thing beyond my consciousness in the dark was him

Because then it wouldn’t be a completely made up something

Then I wouldn’t have to wonder why

Such a long way away from what I thought

It was heartening to see the amount of orange shirts today

I have to remember this year

It’s important to me but I suck at remembering about the shirt

Couldn’t tell you why

Buy one now would probably be the best way to solve that

But I can’t commit to buying one because every time I go to buy one I start wondering if it’s actually an indigenous run business

Freaking out about that aspect of it

I’m always like okay I’ll buy one from a local person

Then it never happens

My brain

Ugh

I don’t know why we drove right near my house and then pulled some place else

Now we’re heading out to Sooke apparently

I would like to go to sleep

I didn’t even put my eyes in this morning

I noticed halfway through my first hour of work

My eyes feel naked

I wish to sleep

Just a bit further and then I’ll be home

BC finally made Truth and Reconciliation Day a stat

I don’t know how I feel

Should I really be getting time and a half because some poor child was torn from their living mother

Shipped away

Assaulted

Probably killed?

But I just read BC’s “unveiling” of it becoming a stat

They’re like we consulted indigenous peoples and they said it should be a stat

But then they go on to say

And then we consulted businesses

So, like, the indigenous people saying it should be wasn’t enough for you?

Had to double check with your capitalist masters first?

I completely forgot to buy a shirt so instead I’m dressed in the most bland thing I possibly could

Which coincided with me feeling like shit and not even wanting to get dressed at all

So, no fun colours today

Besides my mage coat, but that’s keeping me warm

I don’t really know the point of this day

You’ve got Tim Hortons making commemorative doughnuts

Like, that just blows my mind

What, you didn’t make enough money off exploiting indigenous people the first time?

But now I’m feeling like

I’m making time and a half while there is a homeless indigenous person out there on this cold morning

I say “a”, there are thousands, but in relation to me let’s make me responsible for one person

It just doesn’t feel right

I wish I could actually do something.

I wish I didn’t have to work tomorrow

This job is wearing on me

I lost all the people who seemed to enjoy my presence and now it’s just a place I go to collect an absolutely shit pay cheque

I thoroughly want to be rude to this store lead

Just dish back out some of this shit she’s put me through over the last months

I’m not a rude person though

And I don’t really want to be mean

I just want her to experience the same feelings I have about my job over the last few months

I want her corporate bootlicking self to have corporate just screw up her work schedule for months and demand she fill out paperwork that costs money

And then go

But we don’t want to

When said paperwork is filled out

All things an able bodied person will never have to deal with

Forcing people to do things they wouldn’t want to have to do themselves

And I just

I just hate customers

I hate people who are customers

There are people who come through my till and they are people and it’s fine

And then there are customers

I’m just going to casually do things that take up more time, be completely unprepared, and demand things of you and blame things on you

They’re just exhausting

And these days I can’t carry on a conversation and fold and scan at the same time.

I pretend I can

But I can’t

I shouldn’t be working

But I don’t have another option

Short of some government deciding to cough up about $2000 a month there’s nothing that’s going to fix it

I’m giving up my health to work

But if I don’t work I’ll pretty quickly have no health to give up.

Trapped dancing in this cage

Owned by whomever will take me

Paid pennies for every ten thousand the boss makes

It’s just gross

It’s all just gross

I have to work tomorrow

I just have to

You know what broke my heart?

Last night I over heard my landlord and his kid

His kid goes “will you tuck me in?”

His dad goes

No, do it yourself

That broke me a bit

Do parents not see themselves as children when they’re parenting?

There will come a day you never tuck him in again

Do they not realise this?

And then, just now, he was having some issues with the shower and he called for his dad

Was calling and calling until he was crying “dad, where are you?”

And his dad was sat in the livingroom ignoring him

I’m downstairs, I can’t do anything

Different suite

Sometimes I over hear how his dad talks to him

And then his dad wonders “where his attitude comes from”

What a mystery

How you talk to your kids matters folks

It sets the tone for how they speak and interact with the world

It hurts me to never have the chance to show the love I have for kids

Having to witness how adults treat them

That is not a subservient creature, it’s a fucking whole damn human

Do they not remember how aware they were as kids?

Do they not remember how everything affected them because everything was new?

I never experienced some enlightening of consciousness

I was always a whole person

I was just a young, inexperienced, new person

That’s a human being you’re listening to cry for his dad unaffected

This poor kid

He’s so easily affected by things

I’m pretty sure he’s neurodivergent

He was apparently tested and the doctor thought it was nothing

I’d like to speak to that doctor

All these kids who I’ve loved so much

Too far away for me to have any effect

And then people call me a groomer and it hurts

Because I’d die before doing what was done to me

Like if someone put me under a gun and said I’ll shoot you or do it

I’d take the bullet

But what do you even say to parents?

Excuse me can you please stop bullying your child?

That baby I held in my arms, screaming because he was hungry and his mother wasn’t making enough milk and when I suggested formula, before we knew that fact, just trying to come up with answers, she shot daggers at me

Is now a child somewhere

So many babies who I held and loved

Who grew up to be strangers

It’s just hard to watch

It’s always just for a moment

And I can’t have a kid

Let alone as a single parent

Just pregnancy would probably kill me at this point

And I don’t regret not having kids because I was never in a position to do so

I just want to be part of a community where everyone raises the kids

And then I’d be that weird Nauncle

That just loved them all so much

What?

I just hate seeing kids struggling

And I double hate it when they’re struggling because their parents are colossal bullies

I want to protect kids

I want kids to be able to be free of the horrors of this world for as long as possible

Still this strange off feeling

I wish I knew what was causing it

God forbid it’s my foolish heart

It should be silent

I’ve wrapped it up tight enough

This year is almost over

And I have torn feelings

Things aren’t supposed to feel better after what happened on Easter

It’s wrong for me to settle into comfort

The clouds are out and yet

You appear to be breaking through

Always this one

I’m sure there’s some explanation I don’t understand

I’m sure you have something to do with my mood

He’s so far away

So far away

I couldn’t do it

Infidelity

I’m not monogamous

But I’d never hide and lie to someone I loved

I’m certainly quickening my demise again

How do you leave a woman hurting?

Like forget with guys

I’m afraid of them, which would prevent me from doing something like that even if I wanted to

But how do you hurt someone?

Words filled with poison always regrets

How do you see pain in someone’s face and keep going?

There’s this being in me that has poison and claws

But when I’m in my natural state

I can’t imagine doing anything like that

Wanting to cause pain

普段

アイツが出るのは

自分を守る為に

No defensiveness no Cat

Making moves to harm on purpose

Without there being a reason

Is so beyond me

Foolish lost child

Wandering back again

But I tried

They say

The something in the darkness outside myself

It’s attempting to

アピールする

That one’s fun it’s an English word in Japanese that means not quite the same thing when translated back

I’m not falling for it

Not going to yearn for something I can’t see

Believing in a phantom

I don’t know what it is

Probably just my own madness looking back at me

I believed it and him were the same

If I believed that now

Well I’d have to hate him, wouldn’t I?

That would wake the Cat

So don’t call me, secret something

Because I can’t believe in you

Stars and planets are real

And I can play with them for fun

But you

You are dangerous

Believing in you made terrible things happen

And I have a headache from pointedly ignoring you

Which is why I know you’re something

You’re offering things I can’t accept

In the dark

And wouldn’t it be sweet to just go completely insane?

But that’s not going to happen again

The sweetness of mania

It’s fun for a bit, and then it’s not

What would I be holding on to?

Can’t relate

Oh fucking finally

My place to hide

Telling me to go to bed

I don’t want to get lost in that thing again

Hard rock curing headaches

Who knows

I couldn’t tell you with what I speak

Couldn’t tell you why that made it better

Like a shield

I dare not name you

But you always ride in with the yellow ninja

Have the clouds parted?

No, but yet I’m being instructed

Yes I will sleep before my head starts aching again

I wish I could identify it

But it’s not something I can properly describe to others

An