Elucidating Questions

Wow me from yesterday you really weren’t doing well

You set us back 100 poems!

Nah, the baton has been passed

Yesterday me and today me

I fixed it

But it took a day to fix so

There’s that

And allegedly I’m not doing much better

But I just cleaned my house

Why don’t I get to feel accomplishment?

I finish something and so often it’s just okay on to the next thing

Do you feel that way too?

I’ve always wondered how we were similar

What drew me to you

Sweat dripping

But I did it

And I can’t check my heartrate right now, but it’s probably not great

Yes, thank you, Happenstance for making me do it

But damn all I feel is drained to the core

Also I broke my own internet

Yay me

It’s fine now

I’m just dumb

It’s probably like whiplash

How I can go from being an intellectual to being a complete airhead

Is the me who wants to give love to the world and accidentally falls over at random the same as the me who writes poetry essays on why society sucks?

Who probably also falls over at random you just didn’t notice

Sometimes the brain makes up for the body

How many people have I been in my lifetime?

I feel bad for me yesterday

I hope me tomorrow feels bad for me today

They say you can’t be an empath

But the world state affects me

I’ve been suffering these many last years

The world just being in turmoil

It just feels like it’s starting to win

The pressure

Exerting myself

Even when I’m so afraid I’ll disappear

The weight of the world

It’s crushing me daily

Reality is so awful

And I don’t know why everyone is going along with it

In this garden of dreams

Anything could be possible and yet they choose this

Anything

This space is so amazing

Yet they choose to suffer

Not viewed as people by the people who run everything

And I’m incapable of anything

I just can’t seem to find a way to make a difference

Screaming into the web

I wonder if the rain fell so passionately

Because it was crying for the lost children

I shouldn’t do things right now

I’m feeling high strung

All the feelings

This headache

I just want to go to a place where I’m not affected by anything

Why does the weather rule my health?

I was supposed to work today

I feel bad calling in, but it’s brutal right now

It blows my mind that I got an entire tattoo and it felt like nothing

And right now I’m in so much pain

And my ears are ringing

And I feel so vague

Like if I wasn’t solid I’d just dissipate into the air

I feel so trapped and stuck

I feel so useless and weak

My head feels full of mist

Fall is finally here and I have been bulldozed by the season changing

Yet again

God they should use me as the official season change announcer

I wish I had more in me

I don’t want to feel like this and call in sick and not get what little money I make

I feel so stuck

If I forget to do something

It’s only because my brain isn’t recording memory today

Yet another day to fade away

Alone is a terrible place to be right now

But if I admit I need help

Who am I going to call?

No one quite understands what a feat me surviving this far has been

But I feel like I’m losing

I feel like I’m losing this fight to just keep going

There’s no one to catch me if I can’t go on anymore

I’ll never know what it was like to be supported by someone

Not completely

Fight

I just have to

God I hate that I’m not well enough to do my job

Or anything but my job

I’m lost here

And the only one who’s going to find me is me

And I’m not strong enough to carry myself

It’s it just really messed up living life while knowing others are in a war zone?

I can’t do anything

But it still feels like I should

But war is not a game of men anymore

It is a game of machines and pawns in the shape of men

Shadows who have been brainwashed into believing they are superior

That those they mow down are less than

That have no standing

Even if they came out of their machines

Reasoning with them would be pointless

The possibility of words being carried into the battlefield instead of arms

It’s dead in present war

Can’t talk to the lord on the other side

Most aren’t even close enough to see the humanity in their victims’ faces

Battle is not a personal affair

It is impersonal

Some rich man somewhere else pulling the strings

Well out of harm’s way

The pawns on the battlefield don’t even know who he is

The machines feel nothing as they sail through the sky to destroy

Everything

To the rich man

Is automated

Automated war

Are these people you fire at?

Are they only people when the West stops calling them aggressors?

The children on the street?

It’s this feeling of I would trade anything to make people see the humanity in every person they meet

But it wouldn’t matter now, would it?

Men and women

Who believe they are firing at human targets

It’s a fun exercise

The inhumanity of war is ignored, time and again, in favour of constantly building more and worse death machines

No one ever considered there was a point we should stop

All because someone else might find the worse thing first

So we have to find it first

So excited to destroy other humans

You’d think we would have a problem with humans who eagerly destroy other humans

But no

We give them funding

It’s only serial killer behaviour if it’s at our own people, or current allies

And everyone just watched as their countries built as much potential destruction as possible

Funneling funding that should have gone into government social programs

Into communities

Instead we used it up on death

I don’t know why it doesn’t hurt other people to know this

Our countries weren’t just funding our own death machines, they were funding others

So now our countries can efficiently kill eachother

And us

But they can’t keep their people from starving on the street

It’s madness

Why is this the perfected method of humanity’s survival?

Jesus was like you guys should love eachother and so his followers went around genociding absolutely everyone they could get their hands on

And then they grew up to fund the war machines of other places

And I’m pretty sure “thou shalt not kill” is a commandment

But, no, this.

This world is so different than what you would expect from a populace whose predominantly main man told them to love eachother and care for eachother

And fuck banks

Is it not just a bit… Disappointing?

That saying that the kids made up

“I understood the assignment”

Dude, they did not

They did not understand the assignment

What?

You got my attention

Now, what?

I don’t feel like writing anything

Do you want me to share how I’m on the most dangerous road in the city?

How I had to seperate from my walker for a while and it was terrifying?

It’s just a bunch of people suffering here

Emergency vehicles coming in and out

Angry yelling

Hungry people

Hurting people

Crows

Why did the sirens rush in earlier I wonder?

Like the sound was carried by the blood rushing through my ears

This is one of those places I feel like I should be doing something

These people deserve peace

Living in the war that is street living

I feel well off in comparison

The disparity

I wish I had something to feed the crows

And the people

And you can call me a hypocrite but I believe they deserve grace, these people, while being thoroughly terrified of some of them

They deserve better

But I am not equipped to handle what society has turned them into

You can laugh, but I’m too overly sensitive to handle the rough edges of the street

Some con will tell me to house them then

If I had a house, I would

I wish I had more power than this

Can it all really not matter?

Is something going to stop this thing?

This monster getting citizens involved in a battle of the elites?

As usual it’s the working class, the poor class, that see the outcomes of war

Sorry, not war, terrorism.

While the elites live in their gilded castles feasting

If all the citizens of the monster aren’t at fault for the monster, then none of the citizens of the other places are at fault for their country’s monsters either

It’s so clear that no one cares what happens

It’s like they think it’s so far away it won’t come after them once they’ve armed it to the teeth

And it’s just getting worse, isn’t it?

You hit me so I’ll hit you so your buddy will hit me so I’ll hit him and all my friends are shipping me death devices

Because apparently goading on the aggressor is how we de-escalate now?

I struggle to exist while this is going on

I feel like I should be there doing something

Of course I’m useless

Someone stop this thing

Please

All these poor people whose only fault was happening to be born or living in a place

It’s so wrong to do this

But we’ve let the elites live unchecked for so long

Sometimes I feel like it’s too late

We had our chance and it’s gone

I want so desperately to have hope for these people

That something will happen and this will stop

But how many people have to die before that happens?

Does having hope for survivors of this monstrosity mean having no hope for those who don’t?

I can hope but as Time rushes forward the toll just climbs

It feels like having hope is a betrayal of those lost

Like, sorry, we needed you to prove how awful this is so someone would do something

I feel like if someone with good in them doesn’t do something quick,

Someone with evil will

Good and evil have to exist simultaneously for some reason

But so many people have this great imbalance in them

And so many of those people run our planet

We’re honestly just fucked if things continue on like this

Do they really think he’ll stop?

You’ve allowed another one to take hold

For the love of the gods stop this

Why am I so powerless?

Why does this continue to go on?