Elucidating Questions

Weddings are strange

Slightly off to the side

You realise where you are woven in to someone’s story

Or not so

Whispering your name

Wondering what you’re doing

Remembering my name next to hers on her marriage license

But we haven’t spoken for years.

Years.

It’s become years.

Thinking fondly of what you could be doing

They said a wedding was coming

I thought it was my own

But it’s not.

I still think of you

I’d still like to try

I love you

I’m thinking of you

I’m thinking of you

I love you

A single thorn on the vine

Wrapped in the warmth of something

The sticks of plants that decided it was too cold

Wanting to live

Having an idea

Human traits

They don’t have

But the life courses through them as well

The same life

As whatever it was that started the chain reaction

That led to this unfortunate state

Where the vine has one thorn but no flowers to speak of

And the promises of yesterday

Dry up in the cold

I know you can’t love me

I know you won’t love me

I can’t hold it against you

You can’t decide who you love

So I’ll love you anyways

Because that is what I promised

That I would love you every day no matter what

Bound to this destiny I choose to be all by myself

Because I can’t love you if I have someone else

So I will choose to be alone

Forever for the rest of my life

So I can be here to love you whenever it happens as soon as it happens

I will be here to love you

Whatever it is

I can handle being alone

If it means I get to love you

I just have to believe it

I just have to keep believing

It’s all I’m good for

Even if you hate it

Sometimes I wonder if this was really a rainforest

Other times I stand in the rain

Listen to the birds twittering and see the creatures living out their daily lives

Their only fear is us

They live in mostly peace

They don’t wage war

They don’t starve their own to feed their pockets

They don’t have pockets

Standing in this rainforest I can hear them living

I can feel it living

In the places where the spirit of the forest can still reach

It practically breathes

That enclosed feeling that encompasses the sounds the feeling the smell

Sometimes I wonder if it’s still a rainforest

And then the rainforest assures me it is

Why do I have to be the only one who feels like this

I miss my brother when I see robins fly

I miss my sister all the time

I wish my little brothers could show more feeling

Be less angry

I don’t have a family that knows me or I know like I want to

All so closed off from the world in different ways

So far away

I feel so lonely alone

I don’t know where to turn to or who to go to or anything other than the burning

Pain of being alone

It’s only been since noon.

That’s not so long.

No it’s just a moment in time.

I’m so lonely

But it’s not a crime to leave me here in this prison I can’t escape from

The bars close in every day

It’s not a crime to leave me here

Good night I felt all right for a moment in the safety of your light but now I’m lost again

The sun

The dawn was beautiful

Reversed in reverse.

I’m so tired from crying

From being so alone

But I know I can cry safely at home

I can cry and sob and shake and wail

I can’t find any solace besides the fact that I know I’m home

Because I can cry

I want someone who I can hold

Who can hold on to me

I want someone who I can tell it’s okay

Who can do the same for me

I want someone who I can show all the parts of me that aren’t beautiful

I want someone whose everything I look at is beautiful

I want someone who I can give little gifts

I don’t want anything in return

I want someone who I can love all the little things about

Who wants to know the little things about me

So what do I need

Go ahead and tell me

Because I’m so wrong right?

I can’t have what I want right?

So someone who won’t let me hold them and someone who won’t love me and someone who won’t know me and someone who won’t see me

You’re telling me that’s what I need if I can’t have what I want right?

That’s the answer

I have to have no one

Because what I want doesn’t exist for me

I wanted to make it exist for someone else but it can’t be

Because sometimes what you want is not what you need

Haha shut up it hurts sharper every time like

You want it? You can’t have it

Nah nah nah

You can’t have it

But I want it so badly

Even a little bit

Why I can’t have it

I’ll never understand

And the tears are so hot streaming down my face but

But I want

I don’t need to be alone anymore

Please I’m begging not to be alone anymore

Please I beg of anyone to make me not be alone

I don’t need to be alone

I swear I swear I don’t need to be alone anymore please…