Elucidating Questions

Am I really okay with the first love being the last love

Doesn’t equate or equivalate.

I just want you to believe me.

Because I always get turned away.

Showing up with hands full of love to pour all over anyone who accepts.

They push my hands away and fold them in on themselves.

Crushing the offered love with them.

It’s just another piece of my heart, I whisper.

But I wanted more than anyone anything to have you believe me.

I just want you to believe me.

That I love you so much it hurts every day within this swirling mess that is

Universe

Galaxy

Solar system

Earth

So much spinning

I can’t keep track

This and that

Going and going

But all I wanted

Was for you to see the love I had and say you thought so

Like it was expected

Don’t you see my love?

Don’t you believe me?

You sure are a rockstar

You adorable little rockstar

But babe I don’t know what that means

I don’t know what it means baby

To be a rockstar

Does that make you above or higher?

What does it make you?

How are we separated?

I don’t know what it means

Baby you’re a rockstar

But I love you either way

I know my body better than you do

I know my body better than you do

I sit across from a doctor

Hoping this time something will be visible

Hoping this time it’s not just pain

Hoping there will be a cure this time

A pill to fix it

A surgery to fix it

I’ve turned into my mother

The doctor gets that conspiratorial look

Slides over

You’re probably right

I don’t want to be right

I want you to tell me I’m wrong and I want you to tell me how to fix it

But I’m probably right

Because I know my body

I’m only ever right when it doesn’t benefit me.

Stoic

I’ve never run into someone so unaffected before

The cold stings my fingertips

I wish the songs would run cold

But they don’t

So why

I wonder why

I want to be there not here

How is it that I’ve been here for hundreds of hours

Just waiting in the cold for the warmth of the songs to reach me

Because the door has been tightly shut since long before I got here

I knew it was shut when I got here

I knew that

Why am I still here?

Join me on a journey in which I lose my mind

I’m jumping now and falling down leaving all sanity behind

Don’t catch me here you’ll miss me as I fall crashing down

I think that like was a like that said

It would have been better if you were dead

That I should have been gone

No one wants me here

I didn’t belong in the joyous celebration and handed out was a slap in the face

I deserve it of course

I don’t remember why but I deserve it so I’ll take it

Thank you

It only hurt for a moment

It would be best if it ended

So it ended

And nothing changed

The same day it’s still not tomorrow the numbers switch over but today is still yesterday and every day before

The piercing shards

Are they really my dream?

I don’t remember what it looked like in one piece

Of course

That’s what dreams are

They’re always broken.