Elucidating Questions

I know Ruby can’t live forever

I know that like all the others before her she has to say goodbye some time

But can’t it be at home surrounded by her herd?

Quietly in her sleep?

I just want everything tomorrow to go right

Whatever right is

Even if I have to say goodbye to her

I just wish she could die happily at home

Guinea pigs have such awful genetics

Thanks to humans

Couldn’t breed them carefully, no, had to treat them like livestock

Yes

It’s a night for you to sneak up meakly

And I appreciate that you do

That you show that courtesy

You’re just the messenger

No?

Didn’t like that one

Well you’re something all kind of messengers

I know you don’t decide

But, as I’d like to cry and have reality shape itself around me

I’d like you to stay away

Yes I saw the dreams

I’m not ready

I know that’s what they all say

I know I said the same thing for every one before

I can do this?

This never-ending faith

Cosmic DJ

Death spirits

Both of you

You see these tears?

They’re not at bay right now

This is what I was talking about

The inevitably broken heart of loving an animal

Back in June, but still

Granted, I never see the end when I find the start of a new love

It haunts me, sure, but I accept it

And my heart is broken that my baby is suffering

Whatever it takes to make that stop

I have to swallow this pain

I understand that this is the natural order of things

It hurts like a bitch

Time’s cruelty

And I don’t understand

Why it’s the natural order

But you seem to know that at times like this

That my very human feelings of now and finality get in the way of respecting the calling back to the soil

Returning to our mother from where we came

It should be so easy to accept this as a new journey for her and wish her well

But I find myself clawing seconds together

Death is reality

Little me

But the pain is proof of love

The pain is proof you gave a piece of your heart to them

Let them take it with them

It’s how you’ll find eachother again

I’m a million people in one body, I swear

Forever exhausted by the world around me

Forever having just that little bit of disgusting hope that humans will figure it out

I really just want people to learn to be gentle with themselves

You don’t have to love yourself

That’d make me a hypocrite

But like, acknowledge the parts of yourself that need reassurance or comfort

Acknowledge that there’s been a part of you that hurts from your self speech

Some entity within

And, yeah, the thing

My thing

I have no idea

It talks to me it says

Yes, yes you do

And sometimes I wonder if it’s not just me, but

Oh welcome back

What now?

These spirits

And, yeah, I’m probably completely insane

But that clock thing

Broken as hell, but right about this

We’re all kids somewhere inside

In our irrationalities, in our fears

And a lot of those fears and irrationalities stem from that very kid not getting what they needed

I think if more people paid attention to that kid in them more they’d find a lot of their fears feeling a lot less scary

I know I did

I’ll catch myself in a daymare and be like really?

You silly kid

Chill

People act like you hit 18 and the kid part of you just ceases to exist

Like vwoop now I’m an adult

And isn’t that kid of childish?

Really?

Now suddenly I’m apparently capable of handling all these responsibilities I was not capable of handling 24 hours ago

What?

Like is there an adultifier ray I missed?

Just be good to that kid who society told you to abandon at 18

Let that part of you know that it is safe, and welcome.

Everyone just seems to be having aggravating conversations

Woman walks past me and announces something about libtards into her phone

Some guy walked past me muttering about commies

Then I walked past a dude going on about how some group (probably young people, that was the vibe) is lazy and entitled

How do people let this stuff consume them?

This anger is living, rent free, between your ears

Just chill??

Everyone has this vibe like there’s an enemy out there

I’m very much a walking target for transphobic interactions

Even I don’t think there’s some Boogeyman evil entity I’m supposed to be defending myself against

Individuals are a problem

But if you’re obsessed with some negativity

Aren’t you just inviting negativity to pervade?

I get that brains like patterns and neurotypical people don’t seem to notice when they’re obsessed with a pattern, only when neurodivergent people are

But everyone needs to just not be so damn negative all the time

Coming from me

I’m very much of the opinion that people being harder to deal with is because so many people are pretending to fight an enemy

Anyone should be able to recognise that constantly being in a battle is hard on the central nervous system, yeah?

Like I’m always in a battle with my body, that’s not a choice

But y’all walking down the street almost hoping that guy walking towards you is going to push his luck

Like that woman today

Who was seemingly having a regular conversation before she saw me and suddenly started raving about libtards

Was I supposed to start an argument with her?

What was she expecting me to do?

By the way, anyone who uses any form of the R word is a worse person than the person being addressed by the R word.

By default

No ifs, ands, or buts.

I know I’m defensive

Often waiting for something to go wrong

I have severe anxiety, however, and manage that by doing things to prepare myself and self talk that sounds very much like trying to calm down a scared toddler

And I doubt these people are doing that

Hey brother, in the wild

What’s up?

Suddenly change the topic?

I sink into familiar sounds so quickly

What was that?

A quarter of a bar?

I knew it though

Your distinctive sound

I should tell people to talk to their inner self like scared toddlers, you think?

I mean, yeah

We’re all just a toddler with life experience

And brain development

Somewhere in you is a child who needs to be reassured just as you did when you were that child

People who say they don’t have an inner child don’t lack one, they have locked them away

One thing every adult human has in common is we were all children

That voice, that you, who had things happen they didn’t understand, had things said to them that haunt you still,

They didn’t disappear just because you kept going

Those memories that pop up just as you go to bed aren’t your brain trying to embarrass you years later

They’re that little child at bedtime asking questions about things they’re not sure of

Was this memory embarrassing? They ask

You can answer yes, and have that be it

Or you can answer, yes, but it didn’t really matter then, and it doesn’t really matter now. Go to bed.

Denial doesn’t win anyone any points either

Just, address them

Be to your child self the adult that wasn’t there growing up

Every child has that vision of the ideal adult

Ideal parent

Be them, for yourself

Stop that kid from getting freaked out by all the bad guys out in the world by telling them they’re going to be okay

Just do it

You are cordially invited to stop

That’s more like it

Not that I want to hear it

Mirror reality, would you?

Time’s sadness

It’s how it baits me

Carefully chosen setlist of the DJ

How I wish it was as simple as stumbling

Now, when there’s life on the line

Yes?

Yes, what?

For whose sake do I continue on?

Well it’s not like we’re any more apart then before

There’s always that foolish me waiting

Do I remember last night?

Always so vivid

Like I’m living it

Then gone

He was there, no?

It was his concert again

Why does the artist change?

It was Linkin Park

Thank you for that insight

I don’t know the point of it

The change

I knew my mind was going to torment me

Gritted teeth?

Oh, is it you tormenting me?

I miss the Sun

Whispering things I wanted to hear with his voice

Thing

You are incorrigible

Noted lack of the voice I wanted to hear the most in this song

Love doesn’t run out

Well, I suppose some does

Love as in affection and love as in the want for that person to live comfortably and well is different I guess

For whatever reason mine just needs a spark to take flame again

I know other people are capable of running out of love

I’m often the expendable

It’s sad that songs about being there for someone bring me pain now

I can’t imagine someone coming for me in an emergency

Hearing someone is just one call away

Such a person doesn’t exist

And it’s not like I have anyone to sing it to

So it just stings bitterly for a moment and then I switch it away

It’s unfortunate

That humans maintain such awful falsities

Of being there for eachother

And friendship lasting forever

And true love

Are we this way because we wish it were so?

The evils of truth and loveか

悪があるのが正しいね

子どもに言う意味何てないけど

It may come to be that the words don’t jump out at me

Some day

But that day isn’t today

The point is, they’ll never know the answer to that question

Whether I’m a good one or a bad one

No one ever takes that chance

My life is boring right now

Devices, devices

I’m hoarding devices

And they beep and sing

And are the only one who talked to me today

Throw back

A friend who faded away really liked this band

Off into her own world

Something about me doesn’t stick to people

Who was I going to talk to today anyways?

I wish I was free

Free to meet someone who cares

But it’s so far away

Every day I move through this space much the same

How to be known?

I wish I could see

Ah but it’s pointless

And disruptive

How I wish I could take hold of his heart

But it’s far too late

It’s over

I loved him and he was supposed to notice me

Far too late for being noticed

Sheesh I’ll wrap myself around any sound these days

It’s the fault of the love

So it’s not my fault, right?

How it wanders

I wish I could sing this to someone

But of course that someone would have to speak Japanese

All along has my place somehow been somewhere I’ll never fit?

The want to go home

Satoko she said

Unmistakably, you were born here in a past life

The way my soul relaxed as I looked over Tokyo

My little chunk of it on the Shinkansen

I should have taken the money and ran, eh?

Sorry Tomorrowland

I’m stuck here

At the second to last end of the day

After all

I’d get there

And then what?

See, he’s nothing without you, and I’m just nothing

Being content with having faded away

Oh you don’t know what you’re wishing for

Once upon a time

Being gone

While still being right here

I essentially don’t exist

My connections to nothing

They’ll leave me here to myself for days

Just suffering alone

How are you?

She asks after several days

There’s a part of me that wants to ask

How do you think?

Even if my health was being fine, I’d be here alone, yeah?

For hours and days and months?

Did you know you’re Taylor Swift?

God your frenetic genre skipping

Well

It was hope I’m sure

That dastardly fellow

Hope is a fucking four letter word, contextual lyrics

Are you sure I’m not crazy? Because this ability to carry a conversation with the music which just happens to be adding to the conversation

Whatever

Stop trying to set the mood

There is no mood

I’m uncomfortable

And lost

Not exactly emotions

Hmm

Apparently struggling is reserved for teenagers

Intrusive thoughts

Now if there’s someone I do want to see

They’re who I think you are, I think

Still no name

Sorry I got stuck on the face inside

But I wish I knew the meaning of dreams

The music is not cooperating

If I had no chains

I’d be cheering you on

If I felt like there was anything left in me

Maybe I’d break them

But I’m a chain

Always holding people down

I wish I could give people wings to fly with

My eye twitch is back

Stress, usually

Can you imagine?

Being alone is stressful

The stress of not knowing when it will end this time

Not knowing if it will end

I don’t know

I don’t think I have a nice closure tonight

I’m just alone and sick of it

I’m just so lonely my brain makes up friends in my dreams

It began long ago

And there’s no end in sight

Oh no

Oh no the bad number is coming up

Well

I’m sure it’ll be fine

It’s later anyways

Man this time I added a thousand poems

No, I swear, I’m doing fine

Seriously

Just fine

How am I feeling?

Like there’s a thousand things that I can’t do

And I can’t even seem to do the things I can do right

All over the place

I feel scattered

Yet tightly wound

And I got to see Arcturus before the clouds rolled in again

Because the weather can’t make up its damn mind

But the stars now

And Saturn

I’m feeling like everything is too much

Yet I’m feeling incredibly unfulfilled

I don’t remember my dreams last night

Yet I slept all morning

Without the memory

I haven’t done anything

You cleaned your house, you might say

But that’s just something you do, right?

Was it even an action if it’s expected?

I’m not where I planned to be

I never will be

It was nothing I wanted

What I caught with my net

It just feels like machine actions

I don’t really believe much of anything anymore

Maybe there wasn’t even an ever before

Is my defiance entertaining?

I should be worthy of the things I wanted

I will not bend from that

But I can’t do anything right, can I?

Never just right

I will never create perfection

Not from my imperfect self

But

それにしても

I’m worthy of something

Better than this, anyways

I’d venture to say almost all people are

Venture to say I’d take offense to knowing someone else was living like this

Where are the sirens I wonder?

I hear them still

As they come

Still send them speed

They happen so much more often these days

It’s a strange place to be

This fine, but forgotten, place

No one would notice if I wandered off into the night

No one would see me go

And no one would look for me

Which is of course why I have animals

Or I probably would have

In search of anything

Not that I’d have found it

Like I said I can’t do anything right

I don’t like Spotify changing the versions of my music

Okay here’s something they can’t change

Good old Digimon movie soundtrack

Yeah I’ll get through it

I always do

And so far, so far, never stopping

I don’t know where I’m going

And they keep saying it’s the journey that matters, but that sucks too

Oh right this one has an obscene tail

Silence

Emptiness

Wow this goes on for a while

I knew it would change as soon as I looked at it

This song is still about you

Because I do

And you do have the most unbelievable blue eyes I’ve ever seen

Silly thing

Me

But it’s not like turning it off

Erases the time

And I know it’s pointless

But I’m always sending good energy

Whatever that means

Like hoping for good things

Oh bass

I’ll stick around for Ravi then go to bed

It’s so late

Why do I always start conversations with server people at bedtime?

What just cracked?

A fun game of was that my ear breaking for a moment, or something?

This body

If you’re going to be my superhero you’re going to have to show up

That would be the requirements for that

Just dreams

Always just dreams