Elucidating Questions

What?

You got my attention

Now, what?

I don’t feel like writing anything

Do you want me to share how I’m on the most dangerous road in the city?

How I had to seperate from my walker for a while and it was terrifying?

It’s just a bunch of people suffering here

Emergency vehicles coming in and out

Angry yelling

Hungry people

Hurting people

Crows

Why did the sirens rush in earlier I wonder?

Like the sound was carried by the blood rushing through my ears

This is one of those places I feel like I should be doing something

These people deserve peace

Living in the war that is street living

I feel well off in comparison

The disparity

I wish I had something to feed the crows

And the people

And you can call me a hypocrite but I believe they deserve grace, these people, while being thoroughly terrified of some of them

They deserve better

But I am not equipped to handle what society has turned them into

You can laugh, but I’m too overly sensitive to handle the rough edges of the street

Some con will tell me to house them then

If I had a house, I would

I wish I had more power than this

Can it all really not matter?

Is something going to stop this thing?

This monster getting citizens involved in a battle of the elites?

As usual it’s the working class, the poor class, that see the outcomes of war

Sorry, not war, terrorism.

While the elites live in their gilded castles feasting

If all the citizens of the monster aren’t at fault for the monster, then none of the citizens of the other places are at fault for their country’s monsters either

It’s so clear that no one cares what happens

It’s like they think it’s so far away it won’t come after them once they’ve armed it to the teeth

And it’s just getting worse, isn’t it?

You hit me so I’ll hit you so your buddy will hit me so I’ll hit him and all my friends are shipping me death devices

Because apparently goading on the aggressor is how we de-escalate now?

I struggle to exist while this is going on

I feel like I should be there doing something

Of course I’m useless

Someone stop this thing

Please

All these poor people whose only fault was happening to be born or living in a place

It’s so wrong to do this

But we’ve let the elites live unchecked for so long

Sometimes I feel like it’s too late

We had our chance and it’s gone

I want so desperately to have hope for these people

That something will happen and this will stop

But how many people have to die before that happens?

Does having hope for survivors of this monstrosity mean having no hope for those who don’t?

I can hope but as Time rushes forward the toll just climbs

It feels like having hope is a betrayal of those lost

Like, sorry, we needed you to prove how awful this is so someone would do something

I feel like if someone with good in them doesn’t do something quick,

Someone with evil will

Good and evil have to exist simultaneously for some reason

But so many people have this great imbalance in them

And so many of those people run our planet

We’re honestly just fucked if things continue on like this

Do they really think he’ll stop?

You’ve allowed another one to take hold

For the love of the gods stop this

Why am I so powerless?

Why does this continue to go on?

I wonder if I took any of my medication this morning

Obviously not my heart medicine

Which would explain why I couldn’t wake up today

Seeking bed early

So exhausted

All the gentle stars are on this side of the house

No way to know how far away they are

It’s so quiet

In this night

I feel my loneliness magnified by it

There could be not a soul but the stray car off on the highway

My dreams have been sinking into nothingness

But last night

He was there

They were

What about?

I can’t remember

Pokemon are breaking through the revolution

So you do have the ability to react to the day

I just suppose there’s nothing happening

I can’t dream without living it

And I’m not living much of anything

I could have survived the day without remembering

That he was there

A star disappearing behind a tree

I wish I could wish me a better life

Tried so hard

A heart like shape in lights

As one disappears another takes its place

And then it came out from behind the tree

And there were more than before

The sky is so beautiful

It’s hard to hurt below it

Fall has arrived

I know because I can now feel Winter

Summer can only put off his sleep for so long

Then off to visit other places

I wish I had a mission like the seasons

It’s not nice missing someone I don’t know

Tricks

Was that a no?

It’s not going to work

I’m not going to fall for it anymore

Missing figments

That’s not an applicable question anymore

Today it doesn’t matter

As much as yesterday it didn’t matter

And every day before that

The day it changes?

That I actually get a say in my loneliness?

Maybe I’ll answer you then

Maybe not

I’m always overthinking

That’s the whole point

This is just where I put the overthinking

I think I’m exhausted beyond wondering

It’s like the connection between my soul and my body is broken

Someday

Someday I want to have someone to talk to when the night presses in

Until then I’m going to bed

To face another day alone

I feel so restless

Like I’m supposed to be doing something

But there’s nothing specific to do

I feel like I’m running out of time sometimes

Those moments that grab me from behind

I don’t know why my mind reminds me

I could live ignorant of that one fact

This human condition of knowing it comes

And that time is wasting

That I’m no closer to my dream than I ever was

Unattainable

Why did I choose this dream?

Now, dreamless

Only the night’s stories to entertain me

The daylight doesn’t show an image

No, rather, it shows the absence of an image

I am unsure where to go from here

You say no more wasted days?

What’s the alternative?

I’m glad you feel alive

But these days aren’t going anywhere

I’m just last place

I’m just always last place

A thought dismissed

I’m just a person you don’t think about

A ghost who ceases to exist when out of frame

This side character-ness

To miss my friends I’d have to have friends

To miss my love I’d have to have one

Why does the music feel accusatory today?

That’s better

Now the question is did I summon this song or did I sense it in the queue?

How do I get better at being me without practice?

I want to improve

But how do I do that?

I can improve my Japanese because I can practice it

You never gave me a chance to practice being me

I feel unfulfilled

I feel unutilized

Like I have potential I’m not reaching

Is this the death throes of grades and “not meeting expectations”?

If I can shake it

Can I finally stop feeling like it’s not enough?

It’s not enough

This life

Devices devices devices

I’m still right where I was

And I feel like

Like your solution is just to throw wasting time at me until I die

I feel so terrified that the end is coming because my life this far has been

So unfulfilling

I wish I could make a change

But what?

I wish I could chat with the village people and they’d tell me hints like in video games

I don’t know why I ran back here

Let me just hold reality away

Pretend for a second

It’s not even one I like that much

I want to sing

I miss the Sun

Six and down

Rude

I can’t look at things that I want and think I want that too

Because I’ve been taught some things aren’t for me

And usually love is one of those things

Affection shocks me

Knowing I’m on the mind of someone makes me want to cry

I can’t look at that and think I want it

Because no one said it was for me

It must be nice to visualise nice things for yourself

The only things I visualise are daymares of people doing and saying terrible things to me

Because apparently if it’s not really happening my brain has to prepare me for it

Did you catch the hitch?

Oh he’s back

It’s another one of the ones I don’t really like

You underestimate forever

Now now

We’re not doing that anymore

I said I’d do it

But I lied I guess

It’s nice that it worked out though

だってさー自分に関係ない

Oh hahaha my Time reference came back

What are you, a dog?

I throw it out there and you bring it back

I don’t know why this happens

I’ve thought

Echo? Ripple?

Surely it can’t be me just knowing things

I’d have less time to find ripples in Time if I had someone to talk to

I wish I could be part of the world

Even though it’s terrible

I still want to be accepted

But that may be another thing that’s not for me

It could be I’m just not meant to know anyone but my own mind slowly wasting away

I just wish

Someone would tell me

Is this it?

Is all my life going to be the carrot of connection baiting me forward into more solitude?

Death can’t be that bad

But if that’s all you’re dragging me along to meet

I might as well just go straight to him, no?

If this is the ending where my ancient fear is stamped out

I’d have to stop living that fear, yeah?

Oh great the jackhammer is back

It’s funny how silence creeps in

And you don’t even realise until the noise that stopped comes back

I was terrified of ending up alone

Because that’s what my dad said would happened

And I’d been lonely all my life, hiding myself away in self defence

Never feeling like anyone knew me

And then I finally put myself on the outside

There’s no one left to know

God that jackhammer

I’ve had this coming and going headache

And this is not helping

It’s not

Consumed by the pounding that is reverberating in my skull

Fuck

Sometimes I get aphasia moments

I can’t remember a word and then a swear word comes out instead

That wasn’t one of those moments

But I always wonder whether I’m swearing because I can’t remember the word

Or if that’s the word my brain gave me

I can’t write like this

All I hear is metal and rumbling and rattling and pressure

I hope it breaks

I don’t care if it’s expensive

Loud construction is just obnoxious and it’s been constant for like a year now people have just been making loud noises around here

Wow it’s not even a jackhammer

It’s a fucking construction vehicle with a jackhammer attached

Apparently my neighbour has decided to tear up his entire driveway

What a self centered prick

This is going to take hours

Fuck

My head hurts

This is ridiculous