Elucidating Questions

I want them back

I miss them so bad

I want my dolls back I sound like a child but I want them I miss them

They’ve always been there to greet me in the morning and they’ve always been there for a hug when I needed it they’ve kept me going and I put them away

One of them I still think about putting back together

The ones who always watched with me and stayed with me

I don’t really notice them

Needed more money

Sorry I sold his head

I don’t really care for them I’d rather they gone ah

He broke something I’ll never be able to fix properly.

But my baby will be back and I’ll feel better

A collection

I want them home

I want them free.

Life is miserable

Then you die

The Greeks were well acquainted with this

They didn’t even make themselves an afterlife

They made themselves a river where they would live with their sadness for eternity.

I can’t figure out where I’ve gone wrong

Where I lost it

Where everyone else seems totally fine to live this life

But I’m just existing until I don’t anymore

But no one ever promised you heaven

Or an afterlife

No,

Humans wrote stuff and hoped there would be a reward at the end of they were “good” and then a powerhouse decided to use that as a doctrine to make its subjects behave.

There’s no guarantee that anything happens when it’s over

So why are we doing this?

All of it,

Why are we doing this?

Why do people hurt one another

Why do people treat each other so coldly

Why?

What’s the purpose?

If there’s no purpose

And there is no purpose

Then why don’t we all just live the lives we wanted

Why don’t we love each other so that this life we were forced to live can be a bit easier to handle

Ignoring all the weird shit

Like I said

I’m guessing

There’s something

There has to be because

Someone had to write the code that keeps it all so uniform

The universe is far too uniform to not have been written by something but I never said that something had good intentions or that it was on purpose

I’m guessing.

But why are humans so awful to one another?

Why don’t they just love each other?

Life is miserable and then you die

Other humans make life miserable.

Woven in the misery the good has come through

But someone somewhere makes all of this

All this woven human created unnatural

Mess

And that someone

Is human not god nor spirit nor universe itself

Is someones

There are more than one

But why

They make sure life stays miserable

And then you die

You’re wrong

It’s so easy to slip back into normal

It’s like a skin I put back on

I’m a completely rational person

It’s awful

Somewhere in this mess is a normal

Normal

No

Just

The normal skin is like

Briar’s a pretty quiet extremely sarcastic occasionally high strung and often a bit strange individual

But I understand this society I didn’t ask to be a part of

I just…

Can’t miss it

The planets are

Something?

I always find them.

So much…

It’s so tangled in every day life it doesn’t surprise me that no one sees it who would want to?

It’s so terrible like this it’s like

I just wish you could see how…

How tired I am of this

I love you so much it’s not a lie

Weird shit has happened but I thought

If I remember correctly I thought that it was the signs that I was supposed to get to you and do

Something

Don’t know what don’t know why just needed something to explain the fucked up shit that was happening

Every day

Nothing happened though

I’m not insane

I know it was out of left field or whatever a surprise like where the fuck did I come from

I feel awful for even involving you like holy hell

I love you I don’t want to hurt you or make your life harder

You obviously already have shit to deal with

That’s why I tried to get rid of all the things that were “wrong” with me from the start because I want to be…

I want to be what you need and want and love

It’s not even a little bit easy to do all of this with stuff like this happening

I’d been playing this game and seeing the words in it and being like

Wow this seems like it’s making fun of me

The words were in perfect order and they related

You know they’re not all the same

My head can’t handle all the little things

I forget them because it’s just too hard to grasp

But everyone else is getting drunk every night because so and so doesn’t love them

I’m getting drunk every night because I can’t fucking handle this

How fucking weird shit is

And I know

I’ve said several times in my moments “it’s getting weirder”

But I can handle weird

I just can’t handle weird with him as the scapegoat

Or the thing that ties it all together

I was trying to ignore the words

That’s why I started writing

Because they were hurting me

And then the stuff with

I’m waiting

It’s happened like this before so many times and it just fades away and goes back to normal

Like you know those books that build up to some big epic climax and instead the entire end of the book is like a wet rag that got left on the floor over night and you loved the rest of the book so you’re like

Okay

This is like that except I’ve hated this book since the second I started it and I thought something good would happen because shit was so fucking weird

And it just doesn’t happen so I’ll get over it

Leave me to scream and cry for a week

I’ll get over it

I just want to scream

I want to scream until my lungs have burst and my throat is raw

Fuck

FUCK

FUCK

Trapped in this nothing box

Can’t do anything

I’ll never have an answer to all this fucked up shit

He’s a fucking coward who will never love me

He

I don’t know anything about him

I can only assume all the things he’s written are lies and that he’s nothing special and he probably just thinks this is some fucked up person who’s fucking with him

Or he doesn’t care because he’s heartless so who the fuck cares anyways it won’t get any better and all the fucking things that happen every day

They’ll keep happening

And I’ll have to live with wanting to see him but I can’t handle it

I can’t handle the synchronised times or the words that trick me then seem to relate

I already miss him and he probably hasn’t even posted anything because he fucking hates me because of who fucking knows why I don’t know

I can’t apologise enough so who fucking cares it’ll never matter how much I apologise and the entire world is just going to keep being fucked up

And I still have to do it all alone

Because no one will ever fucking believe me

I have no one to talk to and no one talking to me about the one thing that makes me want to die every day

This hasn’t ever happened to anyone else before

No one has a fucking clue what I’m going through

And I don’t even fucking know what causes it

I’m just fucking guessing

I’m fucking guessing about what is fucking with me so totally every fucking day this that and the other

What a fucking joke

I don’t even care who or what this is

Three nasty old women

One nasty old man

One nasty old universe

What ever it is it’s hell.

This is hell.

I’m in hell.

And no one even fucking knows.

But that’s how it fucking goes.

Isn’t it?

Bitch.

I’m just so tired of all of it

All this shit I can’t explain

All these fucking coincidences

I’m so tired of looking like I’m trying to be manipulating

Or like I’m trying to guilt him

Or like I’m just fucking insane

I’m so fucking tired of this

All that ever had to happen was a single

Fucking

Two letter word

And all of the coincidences would have been ignoreable.

Now it’s like

Wow you’re literally laughing in my face eh?

Reality

Something

Fat

Eat

I don’t want to eat because I’m fat

I know I’m ugly because I’m fat

Fate

Fated

And then feed

And then I started writing and I finished and said

Well?

I’m waiting!

And he fucking posted.

On his Twitter feed.

Haha.

Get it?

Hahaha.

HAHAHA.

I was doing fine.

I was crying and sad and lonely and I wanted to die but I was back to looking saner and I could just ignore all the shit

But I’m bored

I’m done

I’m tired of this fucking useless reality that fucks with me in ways that no one will ever understand that I can’t explain

That I have to keep inside and fucking pretend my day went the same as every fucking boring existence on this planet

While every word is a joke at my expense and then I get him thrown in my face again like

Oh my god is it meant to be we’re writing at the same time and awake at the same time and

Fuck you

No

Actually

I’m so fucking done with this bullshit

Fate?

They just want to point at you and laugh

There’s no joy

They create this sick twisted bullshit and then laugh when your mind can’t handle it I’m done

I’m done

I want to be dead.

Because he’s uninvolved and he’s unaffected and I’m suffering and he can’t even bother to help me

Fine

I get it

Defeat

Because I can’t live without and I told you that but you kept fucking with me and pushing me until I can’t take it anymore

I can’t take being taken for a fool every fucking time anymore

All these damned coincidences

I’m done with it and it hurts

I don’t plan on having there be a someday

Or a day when it gets better because I made it fucking clear he was everything that was keeping me going

And yet you continue with these fucked up outside interferences that I don’t want

I don’t care what the answer is or where I’m supposed to be

I don’t want a tomorrow without him and I don’t want anything

I don’t want anything

There is no answer

Reality is fucking meaningless

I’d rather not have reality

Than have to have reality without him

So if I just stop doing the things that keep me going

Eventually I’ll die

I don’t want to get better