Elucidating Questions

If I was told I had to live my life backwards from here

I would despair

The concept of knowing exactly what would happen

And it would all just be hell knowing what I know

I wish I could become a stone as well.

Feeling lost and alone regardless in the nightmare of continuing forward

See I often wish the train would come

But it stopped running

I look at it and this is my story too

When it splits

This story is the reason I couldn’t

Many times I thought it’s a warning

But you know when the wings have turned black

And you’re all alone in your cocoon of death it doesn’t get better

Dark and dirtied by the pain and the sorrow

I feel jealousy when other people die

I think

良いね。

It must be nice to never have to wake up again.

The crows called you like they call me

When the light of your world went out and you couldn’t see

I have no pebble of time to misguidedly guide me

No quiet kind shining one

No river

No sloth

She’s often a mother it’s a wonder

In my dream when you fall to me I call to you

But I’m not falling I’m flying

The wings have always been a part of me

I still don’t remember how this one came to me

It’s always meant so much

She’s been led to a well by the crows

She wishes she could go where no one knows

The pain in her heart and the way her mind flies away

Fallen down the hole and in the hole to stay

In the dark because she jumped to catch the wish she had dropped

The water flows louder

Any morning without me

Would be a morning better for it

My existence should be erased

いなくなった方が良い。

Falling freely through the skies as the strange dream plays before your eyes

Yes

She was always me

I always felt it

But now she’s at the bottom and he melted

Can’t get out can’t get out lost trapped can’t escape

At the bottom with the bones

Of a dear friend

懐かしいなー

So numb and lost

But in my world it breaks here

No one is looking for me at the bottom

No one is rushing to find me

No one is worried for my safety enough to be with me or want to be with me or miss me soon enough to realise I’m gone

Building a grave for my dear friend lost at the bottom

I couldn’t even remember who I was but I knew he was important

Precious

And lost

The first snow

The last snow

The cold was so welcome and so weird but

Why do I want to forget?

It was warm and felt right but it was so painful and I wanted it to end

And now even though I don’t want to be I still find myself drifting to the thought of him because I love him

And I miss him and I don’t know why

This person who I’ve never met

I still feel drawn to him

Like a moth to a flame

Like an angel to the skies

You’re the only one who loves me

Loved?

I love you so don’t say loved okay

I hear you in this

I wonder why.

You would know that’s sarcasm.

You’re the only one who could follow every word dropped and know what the drop meant

In the ocean of my life

I don’t want it,

But if I knew I could have you by my side at the end

Maybe it would be worth it

Maybe

I still don’t know

Not taking care of myself

Not sure of myself

I wonder where I’m going

You’re sure

You’re sure

I love you I’m just frustrated

Because I can’t find you

I wish I could.

He doesn’t care about me

Not one bit

It’s something I wanted to change

But not something I have the power to change

I have only noticed it

Now when it’s too late

I wish I could make someone care about me the way I care about others

But that’s not something I can choose or force or create

After all it takes two

Doesn’t it?

And no matter what I do I can’t love him if he doesn’t love me back

Dialing it back wouldn’t work because I’m in too deep

Something awful just happened

I’ll be hearing sirens in a second

Or maybe I dreamt it and everything is fine

I’d rather everything be fine

I can’t make him love me

Love can’t be earned

Love can’t be made

Love can’t be

Because I’m not loveable.

多分

In the way I want to be

I wish I knew how

Like how I could be better so everyone would love me

I just want to be loved

But there was a really big spider

And he’s not coming

And it’s entirely my fault

I wish I’d been born somewhere I could be me

Somewhere not so tight and constricting

Somewhere where people don’t tell me not to be me because no one else is like me

Isn’t it better to be me?

They don’t see it that way so I sink it beneath the waves

Hold it under until the colours bleed our and the screaming stops

When it comes back up I hate myself

And my self hates me too

They keep insisting I chose this

Like I made conscious decisions to be this way

When I know when I’m making conscious decisions

And I didn’t decide any of this

It’s like all the things that should work

When put outside just never end up how I wanted them

Don’t take it personally

I just don’t want to do it anymore

Any of it

Having my self rejected

By everyone and everything

I don’t even hate any of you I’m just sorry I had to come disturb your beautiful perfect everything

No one else has the issues with it I do

So I must be the one who’s wrong

Otherwise I’d have allies.

And I don’t.

I just write.

Don’t realise that these things need maintenance.

Sometimes one gets lost in the drafts.

Sometimes I’m crying too hard to remember to put them places they should go

We’re fighting I think

I don’t know

Now it really looks like I’m the bad guy.

I don’t even want him.

This is so fucked up.

It’s so fucked up.

Everything is so fucked up.

But doesn’t it just seem so greedy to have been shown two and tried and failed and turn around and say

Well can’t I have a third?

Because it’s not them it’s me

He’s beautiful and popular and has a future

He’s beautiful and famous and he’s already perfect in so many ways

And I’m nothing

And I can’t figure out how to be anything else

I’m the problem.