Elucidating Questions

I need to remember to do things for me in the morning the day before

Morning me is incapable of doing anything but routine.

Keep forgetting my headphones

Another day of work

Simultaneously Thanksgiving

Can’t do Thanksgiving

I’m thankful I had a few months of reprieve from a worse hell than this

But I don’t really know how to be thankful when the end is staring me in the face

And there are so many people with nothing

It feels cruel to think oh I’m so thankful for this that other people don’t have

Like I can’t be grateful without everyone having their needs met

Because otherwise I’m rubbing it in their faces

People, my aunt, have told me I need to be grateful for what I have in my country

Despite great inequality and disabled people being funneled towards MAID

They want to add or added people who want to commit suicide

See, we can’t afford proper mental healthcare

Or a world that doesn’t cause mental health problems

But if you want to die, we pay doctors to help!

It feels so fucked up, and yet, no one is stopping it

The trees have turned, most of them

Fall and the harvest and all that

I’m already saying my thanks for the Fall veggies I’ve been eating

Me, eating vegetables!

Sorry that just stopped happening about 10 years ago now

Don’t know if I’ll be able to afford it this week, my meals

I suck at preparing for my own future

The present and the past are sort of where I live.

Just really really need someone who can help me figure out living I guess

I’ll never know though

I’ve been floundering for a while

There’s not much for me to write right now

Besides what I’m feeling

There’s not much for me to write because I’ve shied away from the world for a moment

Only have so much energy

And my heart is so broken right now

I’m sure some awful things have happened

The climate crisis is a crisis

Apparently this is new news?

Oh, right, it’s only a crisis when it hits your house and not when it’s 50 degrees in Iran or India

Which is why I’ve been staying quiet on that subject

I’m sure there’s some hundred poems you can read of mine going on about the weather getting worse or the Earth dying

Needing to open a window in October is an emergency

People’s homes being washed away is a crisis

Something something corporations something something stop them

And I’m trying not to feel guilt for having to make that decision this week

Those final seconds playing over

And earlier there was an owl hooting and I felt at home

I need to live somewhere I can hear them

These little mini horrors

I can’t escape the real out there horrors

Nor the horrors of life

We manufactured horrors

Why did we do that?

I don’t know

Maybe I’d rather not know

I don’t think the truth would satisfy me beyond cementing human greed

This is a strange world

I still don’t know why I’m living in it

Currently being affected by small things

And small things are happening to effect me

The sky is glorious

I yelled at the Sun and he ran away

But the cloud forms

I love when the sky has layers

Sometimes looking up you forget how high the top of the sky is

Taking deep breaths through the moments that stab

I hate this state

Fragile

It’s so dangerous to feel this way

It’s dangerous because The Cat is more likely to make an unwanted appearance

Then things I don’t want happen

I need my hours back

It’s okay

It’ll be okay

Somehow

My hands are shaking because I forgot to eat

As I do when I’m focused

I pretend that fiddling with technology is annoying but it’s actually fun

Trying to make things do what you want them to

I’m getting lost in the clouds

I need to do the laundry

This is short but I really do have to do that laundry

Peace!

Tonight is a night for staring out into space with the Moon

It always feels as though the stars are moving around us

And while they may be

I do not know what causes the feeling

I don’t want to write today

I wanted to fuck the counter and just fade back into nothingness for a bit

But the me of tomorrow would be disappointed

So here I am

I don’t know if I have anything to say

Dirtied by grief

Once it’s over it feels like it was but a moment

And every other loss comes with it

Unless I exist in this state of detachment

And it’s always where I hide

And if I feel what I’m feeling into the sky will it reach them all?

All the ones I miss

I find one

It’s like one of those awful clown scarves

Find one loss

It’s connected to another

And that another

And so on

And so forth

And suddenly I’m alone in a room surrounded by the spirits of before

How do I miss them all equally?

If I just love them

Is that truly enough?

In a world where my love has never been enough?

If it resonates into space will the stars pass on the word until it reaches them?

And loving this space

This strange, impossible, space

Can my love with no address reach those who need it most?

Space feels so distant sometimes

Like it’s far away from here

Even looking out into the expanse, it’s hard to imagine you’re within it

That it’s not just something far off

They’re within me

All these losses

Are they everywhere?

Nowhere?

Only within my heart?

This space tests me

Piling on the losses

The only way to have less would be to shy away from every interaction

If you love in this space, you hurt

Is it a test to stop loving?

Or a test to see who will keep doing it?

I feel so exhausted with pondering

Maybe it’s best I stop

Our loved ones are as temporary as we are

Something to be treasured with all your might

I’m still stuck on those last seconds

Whether I made the right choice

I didn’t want that for her

Didn’t want her to die in fear

But I didn’t want her to die in pain either

Holding something’s life or death in my hands

A nightmare

How it must feel to be holding every life

There’s no right choice is there?

No better

The outcome is awful

The process is awful

Our beloved animals that we’ve bred into genetic oblivion

I had been hoping she’d be the outlier

7 or 8 years

Sending something to the thing that terrifies me

That fascinates me

Never wanted to say goodbye

Entertained the idea of dying before her

Couldn’t now

Terrified

Gone somewhere I cannot reach

That I desperately want to be

Won’t give them back

But how do I reach them without it fading away?

Those moments the grief takes hold

When I count four instead of five

It’ll shrink to nothing

Change is so hard

Growing old without my precious family

I wish I could bring them with me in places other than dreams

I’m going to be entirely alone, in terms of people, eventually

How will I fill my life with small beings if the goodbye is so hard?

I’m not good at love

That’s the whole point of the exercise right?

I’m no good at it

But the animals

As awful as I am at it, I try

They’re precious to me

My only source of socialisation that isn’t online

I’ve learned so much from them

These days living in the after quakes

Where it’s almost like I forget and then am reminded

I don’t want to forget

I don’t want to exist in a state of the pain of absence

I know that

How do I never forget and never miss her?

My sweet girl

If I miss you into the night

Do you hear me where you are?

Can you tell my other girls I miss them all so much?

Or just the entire collection of dead pets I’ve amassed

I can’t remember you all at once

But I love you all

I miss you

It’s sad because I’ve been saying this since I was 16 and working for McDonald’s

Where they scheduled me for full time hours, forcing me to drop out of school

That the whole focus of society

Was making more poor people, and the rich richer

And people try to guilt others, saying if they aren’t an active part of the resistance they’re a problem because they can just do something

But my voice never changed anything

I watched on in horror as adults on Facebook tried to school me on economics

When they belittled me and told me I’d figure it out when I grew up

Seeing the world around me slowly fall into disrepair

Only for rich people to buy it up for fancy condos or fancy shops no one can afford

How they screamed at me, the minimum wage worker, even at 16, to just move somewhere else

As if every poor person evacuating a city wouldn’t cause pandemonium

Oh and as if it was possible

I want to do an experiment

Where every person who worried about food or rent this month just didn’t go to work on a set day

But of course they’re worried about food and rent and can’t do that

And that’s the point

They made protest legal but made it impossible for anyone to properly mobilise

Protests done with millions wishing they could have

I tried so hard

And still this is my world

And I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels like just giving up because they won’t listen

Intent on their own destruction

I don’t know what to do now, truthfully

Because it feels like it’s too late

It feels like they win

The world is in chaos

While they live their vacation life

Not concerned with the damages they do to anything on Earth including she herself

Please tell me how to bring it into proper alignment

I don’t know the answers

I just knew all along that something was wrong

I think it has something to do with each person seeing others as an equally valid and deserving human being.

But it’s not like I can foresee exactly what happens

How

You leave me to ponder at the back door

Agonize at the back door

With my tiny megaphone into the web

Is it even on?

Better for humanity

That’s what I want

Collectively

None of this living a fine life in our “developed” countries while there are people literally starving

Even in our “developed” countries themselves

But the megaphone I tried to scream into was broken

And the world asked

What now?