Elucidating Questions

Happy couples making out at the bus stop

Music about how there’s someone somewhere out there

About giving hearts and undying love

And none of it was ever for me because I’m going to be thirty and have never been in a relationship with someone I love that’s not completely fucked up because I’m a fuck up

Or online

Happy couples who get to go home

Everyone else is so happy and I want to walk into traffic but you can’t guarantee you’ll die because if the car isn’t going fast enough or you don’t get hit right you’ll live and it’ll be a waste of everyone’s fucking time like I’m a waste of time now

If I had a car I would drive it off a cliff

I wish I had a gun

Happy couples

I want to die.

I don’t want to do this fucking season. All alone again

You did this to yourself they say

I just wanted it to end.

There’s no such thing as getting better

Only pretending for a day or two before you sink under again

They only told you it would get better so that their machine would have plenty of destroyed nothing people to work for it

They don’t care about you they don’t care about where you’ve been or what you’ve been through they just want something to stand in their assembly line

It doesn’t get better they lied to you all those people they got paid to say it to you

They didn’t live in the same place as we do it doesn’t get better it gets worse and we’re the sacrifice

Because the machine and their money are more important than you are

It doesn’t get better

All I can think of while assembling over and over again is I wish I could just be dead because no one mourns parts of the machine that fall off

They only mourn the machine and the only ones who get recognition are famous because they get to be special and have people care about them

I just want to die

Please just let me die

Don’t hit me with your car unless you’re going to do it right.

Unless I die don’t bother

Don’t trip me down stairs unless I snap my neck at the bottom

Don’t give me a cold

Fucking kill me

Stop being wimpy AND FUCKING KILL ME

I pulled a great shroud over his face as he complained and attempted to break through I said

They ruined it but I still want the rain just go away and silence came

As it had already been but the sullen sulking feeling crept in and I felt badly but I don’t want to hear anyone singing about their lives of luxury

They don’t know what it’s like to be me and they couldn’t possibly understand where I’ve been

No one will be able to convince me that someone with no strain but what they create with simply wanting to consume more

When they could choose to not

Such a chore then they say they’re failing and falling like everyone else but I don’t believe them

I tried to

But they all proved me wrong

In this world there are no ladders only snakes

And those who stand above could reach out below but they won’t

Because they got there so why can’t you

You ugly piece of absolute filth worth nothing you’ll never be worth anything and you miss every fucking shot

You keep taking them like a fucking idiot who doesn’t know when to quit but here we are you fucked it up what a fucking surprise

I’m worthless and useless

And so is everything that I make

I’ll be trapped here my entire life in a spinning hole of poverty because I’m “too sick” and I should just suck it up and live while remembering literally nothing about days I don’t write

Zero

Nothing

Fucking loser

If you weren’t sick you could be worth something

But we all know that will never happen and you’re fucking worthless

Everything I wrote him is was will be worthless

The work cannot outshine the author

If the author is worthless so is the work

I should have known this from the start

That I’m never going to be good enough because I’m nothing

I’m worthless

I shouldn’t be here

I’m nothing

I wish I never had to wake up again

I wish I could forget everything and everyone and start over and be some new person so no one would ever have to deal with me again and I’d never have anyone to miss

I wish I could make every memory disappear

I wish I could disappear

Worthless people don’t get appreciated

That’s how I know I’m worthless