Elucidating Questions

Everything I wrote him is was will be worthless

The work cannot outshine the author

If the author is worthless so is the work

I should have known this from the start

That I’m never going to be good enough because I’m nothing

I’m worthless

I shouldn’t be here

I’m nothing

I wish I never had to wake up again

I wish I could forget everything and everyone and start over and be some new person so no one would ever have to deal with me again and I’d never have anyone to miss

I wish I could make every memory disappear

I wish I could disappear

Worthless people don’t get appreciated

That’s how I know I’m worthless

I want to die but I’m still here

I’m useless

Unwanted

I want to stop and yet here is more bullshit

Who knows what number it is

He doesn’t care or read it

It’s all meaningless it was all meaningless I poured out my heart and told him things I’d never had enough courage to tell and I posted it public because I just wanted him to see it

But it wasn’t good enough and no matter how hard I try I’ll never want anything I write to do well because the only person that mattered

He hates it he hated it he won’t say a word about it

It hurts

I’m hurting please just make it better

It doesn’t get better and I’m not worth it

I wish I was dead

But I’m not yet

And I wish I had died months ago

And I haven’t yet

I wish I was dead

I don’t care what happens next

I don’t want to it’s mine it’s mine the joy he brought me.

I threw him in the hole and he came out on the radio where he should be

And I miss him and every day he’s missing I notice it and I just want to hear him because it doesn’t matter what he says I always get that

Rush of something

I don’t know what and I’m afraid to say what but I don’t want to give the rest of it up the strange fleeting nothings melting into something

And I don’t want to anymore as soon as I realise it’s someone alive

I want them to go away so don’t
They think I can trust fate

Hah

As if I could.

Maybe I found something else I don’t want

Maybe I just hate the sound of it taunting me

Always taunting me

But I don’t want fate anymore

All it led me to was pain and I’d rather be dead than where I am right now and I wish I’d been gone a long time ago

I don’t want it

I’ll throw it away like everything else

So weird

Too bad I don’t fucking care anymore.

I want to go home

But I have never found it

I’ve never found a place

I didn’t cry in and wish

I could go home

Imaginary home built from imaginary things

There’s nothing real

Nothing concrete

It’s all just stuff

It could burn away and be gone.

Stop.

Go away.

He’s fine and he’s always fine and why should it matter real life is easy

This is all easy

It’s been really fucking easy

Despite every second of every day I spent begging to just stop thinking all alone by myself and it’s never happened

Not once

So he’ll be fine as he has been because people love him and he’s perfect so why am I here again in this fucking hole because I decided long ago I don’t want to dig

But I keep going

At least if there is a hell I’ll fall into I’ll feel something

Dear me from the beginning of the year

You’re still alone on Halloween.

It doesn’t matter who you love or how much love you offer

By April it’s clear everyone is gone

By May you’re all alone

You stay alone except seeing one person or another person

Feather’s wedding is beautiful the baby is beautiful

You are alone

So what of all this reality you’ve figured out how fucked up this world is how much you tried to impress him and give him something

Anything

What a waste of time this entire year has been

I wish I had never woken up on January 6th.

I wish I never had to wake up again

I wish I never had to do anything ever again

I want to be dead long ago and never have to live through any of this

No one loves you

No matter how hard you try no one loves you

You can be nice or be mean or say how much pain you’re in or beg for help or beg for someone to see you but they won’t want you

They’ll never love you

Dear me who woke up in January thinking something big was going to happen

You’re a fucking idiot and you ruined my life

I wish I had died

I don’t want to do this anymore

That was interesting

To say the least

Four?

Count to four

Count to four

I wonder if

It’s as simple as that.

Dream unraveled

Into matters of fact

But that’s boring

I saw the sign

I acted out like a broken person does against a person who literally hadn’t done anything to deserve it but I was hurting and I wasn’t wrong

Parks and Rec

What a lovely relationship I loved it

Teenage witches

Translated into

There were four of us or five including me hard to say I’ve been seeing myself in my dreams often and when it happens I can’t tell if I’m an observer or if I’m me but when me sees me

Now me sees everything me in my dream who is the me who I am watching sees the me who may be watching a watcher and reacts as if I’m there so I don’t know if I am me

Or a watcher

In a strange…well no it was peaceful

Between us just an interesting web of relationships

Everyone was everyone’s husband

Or wife

It’s getting into the part where my sex doesn’t stay in dreams it shifts as it does

No because if it’s me I’ll just call you my wife so you’ll be my wife and I’ll be your wife

And when it’s me I shy away from feminine things so we’re all husbands

The split

Has been happening in dreams since they were eleven

Hard to say if sooner

Dreams become different as you age

Except the repeating ones

We were going to a school

University?

With dorms and uniforms

Because I like uniforms

Between the peace my sister kept showing up just there

She ruined things sometimes and instead of holding my tongue I yelled

I wonder when I stopped doing that

And then it was over poof

Such a simple thing.

Now the dream with the elevator stair hallway train station mall place where these things belong dream

Where I’m trying to get somewhere that was interesting because

I heard them start getting annoyed with me when I realised it was a dream

If it’s a dream why don’t you just do something else?

Go find something else

But the thing I was climbing for was something I wanted this time not a train I was missing or a class I was late for

So despite that I could just fly to the destination I wanted to try to see if the escalator stairs escalators Hogwarts with moving fucking stairs and escalators in any place

Never got there

And when I decided to fly I didn’t look back for the thing I had wanted I just flew

Free

In the sky.

Dreams are a place.

An I for an eye.