Elucidating Questions

It feels like waking up every morning out of places where people were and would and did

Into a world where I’m alone

And it hurts

And I just want it to stop

It feels like if I just had someone who understood and could help me

It feels like there’s no one like that

It feels like I’ve been alone for weeks and I can’t find anyone safe

It feels like I may have someone who I could trust later but not now

Just

Can’t do it

I’m so afraid of new people

Everyone left

And every day hurts

And I can’t remember anything but pain

I just wanted this year to be the start of never having to want to die ever again but it wasn’t

And I’m all alone and I just wish

Someone would kill me

Please

Just kill me…

Please I don’t want to fight anymore

I want to die

You knew who when

You knew it then but I can’t let myself give in to thinking anything because it would hurt too much to even think

I’m not even worth a line in a song

A notch on the bedpost

Neither

And I don’t know when or who or what or why I just know that regardless what follows

It’s not for

I just need somewhere to go

Someone who is willing to help me be me again but I can’t seem to get the better of them they sew my lips shut and my arms closed and my eyes to the ground and hiding

Please don’t talk to me come near me

Help me

Will never leave these lips again simply because then everyone else wins

Don’t they?

Oh look I’m needed I feel so important but now I hate you because I don’t want to be needed and if you need me you’re too much go away

I wonder what it’s like to feel needed

I could drop dead and the story wouldn’t flinch

You act like I’m demanding a mile when I’m begging for a fucking inch

Couplets

Coupled

Together

Good for fucking them

We can all sew words together but we’re all just losing

When I die

If there even was a heaven

Would it just be a place without pain where someone knew my name because I can’t remember

Any of these days and someone said after was a mirror of the living and I don’t have any

So what if I get there and

Hermes is being a fucker and interrupting my crying while typing by auto filling in contradictions to every sentence I put through

I’m looking at you

Stop

I don’t believe you.

Hermes you know me and you know when I’m drowning

But knowing you know me isn’t trust

And I know now too

The love isn’t trust

That’s a cop out.

But it’s true.

It’s not begging for a fucking inch?

It must be really hard to know me then.

Or are you referring to begging for 7 inches approximately?

Why?

I don’t understand you anymore.

I’m going to be erased because he can’t be seen with me

Because he’s going to be famous now and I’m nothing and

I’m nothing

And he’s better than me because he’s famous

And it doesn’t matter what I know because I’m nothing

And he can’t be seen with me because I’m nothing

Money changes everything

But it’s not the money it’s just that he’s better than me that’s why he gets to be happy and live happy

That’s why I’m stuck here he’s a better person than I am I’m a monster

This is where I belong not in someone’s arms or being loved by somebody or seen

Or heard

I’m going to be erased because he’s worth more than I was ever going to be worth

I’m so lonely help me

But no one can because I’m worthless

And now I get to watch him go

Just like they wouldn’t turn around to meet me

He won’t turn around to help me

Go be famous and happy then…

I’m sorry I’m worthless

I’m sorry I made you aware of me I’m sorry

I want to go to sleep

I don’t want to wake up again

I woke up and you’re still not here

Who do you think you are existing when I can’t get to you but I always have the feeling you’re missing?

What was the point in waking up if you’re never going to be here and don’t you dare

Fucking tell me the purpose of my life was to be alone so I would learn how to be alone because I don’t want this I didn’t ever want this I’ve been afraid of this since I was four years old standing on the other side of a door in time out afraid I’d be kept there forever and everyone would leave me and my parents hated me

I’m just living a nightmare why is this my life?

I woke up and you weren’t there and I don’t want to think about all the stuff that happens when everything makes sense because it makes

No sense to anyone but me

And I’m all alone and there’s nobody home and I have been fighting the urge to just lie on the ground and quit and give up but I

I was afraid to be alone but now I’m just alone all the time and it’s nothing just like me the hours go away and every single day I’m alone and I don’t want to

Why do I have to wake up if you’re not here?

It started when I got back from Japan

2015 not 17

Think back in a different way

I feel like I came back and everyone was so distant and I couldn’t bring them back

The sound of your voice

Chester

I don’t even have a song playing I just know your voice in my head

I link back because you were right when he said it

But when I was in Japan I’d found my three

Always always three

I just happens to me

Black purple red

Rocks Holes and a Head

If the fates had some empathy.

Like the gods did too

Maybe they’d be nicer to you.

But when I came back everyone seemed so different to me

And I did make friends I didn’t have before but I think I was so shocked down to my core

Reeling from losing my last grandparents

Two while I was gone

And the home I returned to not for too long

Felt broken

And sad

And no matter how hard I tried

Everyone seemed so far away

But maybe it was just my eyes

I never knew much didn’t know anything at all

But I felt so much more connected to other people there even when trying not to fall

Here it’s like free falling

There it’s like

Hey,

Do you want to go do something?

And when they can’t, even when they can’t, they come up with another time

And I felt loved and wanted

Because it felt like they wanted me even if they were lying.

Here it’s like

Can we do something?

…

Either silence or a plain no

Not how about next week? Or I’m busy but I love you though!

時間がなくっても時間を作る、今週はだめでも来週が来る。

文化の問題とか,ただの間違え

I don’t know

But here’s what it’s like when no one tries to keep you

No one tries to reschedule no one tries to support

No one tries to help no one tries to even purport

That they want me when I need them

Or like they need me too

I just needed a hug

And someone to say me too.

So if I say I love you now

Would you even believe it for a second?

Could you let the words I said stand in the truth of themselves

And the mistakes just pass you by because I didn’t know until I tried

It’s not always the words I see as they are written

But what I see instead

Sometimes I trip and remember what got me here

I thought I had to be some saviour

I knew if I had got to that place other people must have

I thought more people were like me

I didn’t realise I’m a nothing no one has seen before

That made it worse

Suddenly I can’t blend in to a crowd

I can’t let anyone feel that way I have to make sure everyone knows that that thought process

The day following my death would be a better day

Was all he had left as he sat hanging

All he had left as he sat hanging

All she had left as she sat burning

All they had left as they bled out and poisoned

Even if for honour it’s the same thought like this is all I can do and when I leave it’ll be better but I can’t stay here

Still in the end of the equation

Equals

If I’m here it won’t be better

And here I was with a terrible dilemma because I heard it

And I wanted to make sure everyone heard it so they would know

It’s not

It’s not better without you so many of you could have made the world so much better if you’d just stayed

Of course it only applies to famous people because the only ones you hear about are the ones written about and of course if there’s no story written they just disappear

But

It doesn’t get better when you go

It gets worse and worse as I carry this load and wish I could get to everyone to let them know that

It doesn’t get better when you go.

The load gets heavier the road gets longer if I get to the end of this one I’ll keep editing out the missed one

Because so what if I learned so much from his lyrics alone and the rest of it got filled in by interview quotes and watching his body language and seeing how he feels when he’s putting on a show and when it’s real

Showing up to a carpet with a toothbrush in your mouth makes perfect sense because carpets go in a house.

Not a street for the feet of those who ¿Shouldn’t have to touch the ground?

I know it’s weird when you hear the sound from the outside the complete outside I’m not a human I’m somewhere else looking in with no context far far away and I see

What we look like to anyone looking in

We treat them like living gods do we not?

If their god was real he’d probably kill them all

Would he not?

A kind man with a book suggestion.

It doesn’t make the pain better but I appreciate the opportunity and I very much wish that intelligence like that wasn’t wasted in

Driving a bus

Where did all the smart people go?

They’re driving buses

Working in Target

And McDonald’s so

I can’t listen to music that

Puts down a person or a group or a living person who now knows that the story all about them is on millions of tongues

Now come back and see how many songs are sung

Because I can’t turn off the empathy

I’m reading radios and people and electronics and bass lines and wave lengths and fucking cities

But I still don’t know why

And the world has bled me dry of a song that won’t make me cry

So I stand alone in silence

Listening to buses running idly by

A man in a construction vehicle I can’t remember the name of

And then silence.

I wish I was in Japan.

Since that’s impossible I wish I was dead.

Don’t mind the quake.

It’s all in my head.