Elucidating Questions

Crows that know me demanding treats

So I bought them some crackers and they followed me

A murder followed me

As they do

The ones who didn’t know me hanging back while the ones who do coming close and fast

Sharp memories in the pin head black eyes

Friend

Three

Food

Five

I’ll ask how many more I’d have to give,

But having them following me

I loved the feeling of it

Of having a flock even for a short minute

I had a murder around me

I loved it

It was too much to ask for something

Anything

Let alone great

If it was even close to how I pictured it

It would be asking for too much

No jumping out at me with everything

Let alone one thing

It was too much to ask

To even be acknowledged by someone so much better than I am

I can’t keep imagining because I can’t imagine myself happy anymore

It doesn’t exist

Happiness for me

I don’t remember what it feels like

Eleven months since I pictured it

The clock will strike twelve

Without so much as a glance

I was wrong and the summer is gone

The rhythm doesn’t subside but I can’t do what they’re doing

There’s nothing left here to think

I don’t hide the words I say anymore because I have to take responsibility for my monster

Spirit of

Compassion

Bled dry

Everyone expects it from me

One person shows it always.

No one else offers it as readily as they demand it

Demande

Not surprised

When am I not about to break?

The wolf isn’t coming back Chester.

He’ll forget I exist.

Just like everyone else does when they don’t see me.

I keep trying to tell myself it’s for the best because without him this mess may have gone different

Like there’s a part of my stupid brain that thinks if I hadn’t slept with him then maybe

I wasn’t unfaithful to anyone because I wasn’t in a relationship

But if he expected it

I wish I could disappear too

Over and over again

Found it

Mike

I wish I didn’t need to wake up every day

Blood is still pouring

And pouring

And pouring

Yes I know hang on

I don’t know what to do anymore

This entire circumstance

I even said it felt like an inevitability

I knew if I said no he’d go

And he’s all I had left

Every move is fucking calculated

NEVER QUESTIONED OR DEBATED

I imagine in a world with no life and no problems

The rain falls silently

The green things don’t whisper their life to the air as they do here

They are nowhere the world is empty

They say barren but the planet is living, breathing, water flows there is just

Nothing

Cliffs mountains oceans rivers

No life

The expanse just going on

I dreamt I was aggravating my cuts

Turns out neither of us particularly want to be here

Dream me

Day dream me

Whoever else is here

I feel all cut to pieces

And I’m not talking about the cat scratches on my arm.

I usually cut when I’ve lost it and can’t take it anymore

A hug is just a slap to the face that doesn’t hurt

I can’t give myself a hug or slap my own face no shock factor

But I don’t want to feel anymore this awful drowning sorrow I need to get out how can I get out if I could just shock myself

So is it a fork in the wall or a knife to my arm

Morbid fascinations a railroad was drawn

And WHY came back because I don’t remember why it made sense at the time but it’s there

As punishment for crying

Because I wouldn’t ever give myself a hug

And a slap from myself

Doesn’t hurt enough

Immediately hide in the tide of a language I don’t speak.

Just kidding broke the keyboard

I can speak it

It was fine then it’s odd now

Don’t know why but I’ll fix it somehow

But not me

Not me because the pain is too strong if I’m not intoxicated

I don’t know how long it goes down like this but every second awake is a second missed

I was having fun but in the daylight it’s like it never happened at all

And every day has the same feeling like a dream that’ll disappear I don’t feel memories when they aren’t near

So what’s the point in all of this pain if I just have to wake up into it again

Where the watches don’t work and the lights won’t quite turn on

At least there’s no pain at least people know when I’m gone

In this other place I’m forced to spend most of my time

You see they said a third of your life I want it to be the whole damn thing

Now it’s time to do what is required

Because my human body is dead and tired.

I’ll tell you something that you’ll never know

I don’t like feeling this way

I wish

I could be alone

Because alone is not alone when your thoughts and all the whispering

The face inside that laughs when I cry

Trying to put it outside made it seem like I was outside

But doesn’t heal the pain

I’m not alone

I’m alone with the voice

Voices

My dad’s voice telling me everyone will get bored of me and leave

My mum’s voice telling me I can’t just invite myself over or into people’s company it’s rude

My sister’s voice telling me I’m a terrible human being

My sister’s voice telling me all the reasons she wants to move away from me

My voices of voices heard before echoed in the cruel darkening whirling mass of water fire shards of glass

I wish I could go somewhere where I don’t have to hear the nothing

I wish I could find somewhere where I didn’t have to hear the nothing

I was so afraid of the nothing and it got me too and I can’t keep going without you

Sebastian

Help me