Elucidating Questions

So if I say I love you now

Would you even believe it for a second?

Could you let the words I said stand in the truth of themselves

And the mistakes just pass you by because I didn’t know until I tried

It’s not always the words I see as they are written

But what I see instead

Sometimes I trip and remember what got me here

I thought I had to be some saviour

I knew if I had got to that place other people must have

I thought more people were like me

I didn’t realise I’m a nothing no one has seen before

That made it worse

Suddenly I can’t blend in to a crowd

I can’t let anyone feel that way I have to make sure everyone knows that that thought process

The day following my death would be a better day

Was all he had left as he sat hanging

All he had left as he sat hanging

All she had left as she sat burning

All they had left as they bled out and poisoned

Even if for honour it’s the same thought like this is all I can do and when I leave it’ll be better but I can’t stay here

Still in the end of the equation

Equals

If I’m here it won’t be better

And here I was with a terrible dilemma because I heard it

And I wanted to make sure everyone heard it so they would know

It’s not

It’s not better without you so many of you could have made the world so much better if you’d just stayed

Of course it only applies to famous people because the only ones you hear about are the ones written about and of course if there’s no story written they just disappear

But

It doesn’t get better when you go

It gets worse and worse as I carry this load and wish I could get to everyone to let them know that

It doesn’t get better when you go.

The load gets heavier the road gets longer if I get to the end of this one I’ll keep editing out the missed one

Because so what if I learned so much from his lyrics alone and the rest of it got filled in by interview quotes and watching his body language and seeing how he feels when he’s putting on a show and when it’s real

Showing up to a carpet with a toothbrush in your mouth makes perfect sense because carpets go in a house.

Not a street for the feet of those who ¿Shouldn’t have to touch the ground?

I know it’s weird when you hear the sound from the outside the complete outside I’m not a human I’m somewhere else looking in with no context far far away and I see

What we look like to anyone looking in

We treat them like living gods do we not?

If their god was real he’d probably kill them all

Would he not?

A kind man with a book suggestion.

It doesn’t make the pain better but I appreciate the opportunity and I very much wish that intelligence like that wasn’t wasted in

Driving a bus

Where did all the smart people go?

They’re driving buses

Working in Target

And McDonald’s so

I can’t listen to music that

Puts down a person or a group or a living person who now knows that the story all about them is on millions of tongues

Now come back and see how many songs are sung

Because I can’t turn off the empathy

I’m reading radios and people and electronics and bass lines and wave lengths and fucking cities

But I still don’t know why

And the world has bled me dry of a song that won’t make me cry

So I stand alone in silence

Listening to buses running idly by

A man in a construction vehicle I can’t remember the name of

And then silence.

I wish I was in Japan.

Since that’s impossible I wish I was dead.

Don’t mind the quake.

It’s all in my head.

Happy couples making out at the bus stop

Music about how there’s someone somewhere out there

About giving hearts and undying love

And none of it was ever for me because I’m going to be thirty and have never been in a relationship with someone I love that’s not completely fucked up because I’m a fuck up

Or online

Happy couples who get to go home

Everyone else is so happy and I want to walk into traffic but you can’t guarantee you’ll die because if the car isn’t going fast enough or you don’t get hit right you’ll live and it’ll be a waste of everyone’s fucking time like I’m a waste of time now

If I had a car I would drive it off a cliff

I wish I had a gun

Happy couples

I want to die.

I don’t want to do this fucking season. All alone again

You did this to yourself they say

I just wanted it to end.

There’s no such thing as getting better

Only pretending for a day or two before you sink under again

They only told you it would get better so that their machine would have plenty of destroyed nothing people to work for it

They don’t care about you they don’t care about where you’ve been or what you’ve been through they just want something to stand in their assembly line

It doesn’t get better they lied to you all those people they got paid to say it to you

They didn’t live in the same place as we do it doesn’t get better it gets worse and we’re the sacrifice

Because the machine and their money are more important than you are

It doesn’t get better

All I can think of while assembling over and over again is I wish I could just be dead because no one mourns parts of the machine that fall off

They only mourn the machine and the only ones who get recognition are famous because they get to be special and have people care about them

I just want to die

Please just let me die

Don’t hit me with your car unless you’re going to do it right.

Unless I die don’t bother

Don’t trip me down stairs unless I snap my neck at the bottom

Don’t give me a cold

Fucking kill me

Stop being wimpy AND FUCKING KILL ME

I pulled a great shroud over his face as he complained and attempted to break through I said

They ruined it but I still want the rain just go away and silence came

As it had already been but the sullen sulking feeling crept in and I felt badly but I don’t want to hear anyone singing about their lives of luxury

They don’t know what it’s like to be me and they couldn’t possibly understand where I’ve been

No one will be able to convince me that someone with no strain but what they create with simply wanting to consume more

When they could choose to not

Such a chore then they say they’re failing and falling like everyone else but I don’t believe them

I tried to

But they all proved me wrong

In this world there are no ladders only snakes

And those who stand above could reach out below but they won’t

Because they got there so why can’t you

You ugly piece of absolute filth worth nothing you’ll never be worth anything and you miss every fucking shot

You keep taking them like a fucking idiot who doesn’t know when to quit but here we are you fucked it up what a fucking surprise

I’m worthless and useless

And so is everything that I make

I’ll be trapped here my entire life in a spinning hole of poverty because I’m “too sick” and I should just suck it up and live while remembering literally nothing about days I don’t write

Zero

Nothing

Fucking loser

If you weren’t sick you could be worth something

But we all know that will never happen and you’re fucking worthless