Elucidating Questions

You’re just throwing out the trash.

You’re just getting rid of the garbage.

You’re just doing what everyone does.

Everyone dies so why would it matter if it’s here tonight or somewhere five hundred years from now

Every day without you is punishment

This weekend was just the punishment leading up to the punishment

I want to say goodbye forever because I’m afraid of every you that follows you

And all the others

I think the reason I can’t be positive is because there’s no positive in my life.

You tried so hard and I can’t be good enough for you and I’m sorry you had to go through knowing me.

I’m sorry you had to go through it but you’ll forget me just like everyone else

It’s not just you it’s everyone.

I go missing on purpose and no one notices.

I want to throw away my phone so that every time I look at it there isn’t no call or no text or no message or no anything

But apps calling me back

Because I wouldn’t be looking at it

I’m sorry

I don’t know how to find positive all alone in my room every day all day I tried I really did but it’s not here either and I just want to go home where I feel safe

Like that one time you hugged me and it felt like I was safe

But I’m not going to be safe

I don’t want to be safe

I’ve been cutting every day aince…

I don’t know how long it’s been two three days who cares there’s no time here

I spend hours staring at nothing or plastering fake smiles to swollen faces demanding more into their guts that don’t fit in seatbelts

But I don’t remember

It washes away in the pain like the worst day of the flu every day and even once people realise you’re not contagious they still act like you are

Every moment with you stood out in those moments that never seemed to end when I sat right where I am will be always will be

When I just longed for a friend

You’ll always be better than me

You’ll always be worth more

But I’ll send you this you won’t read it if you do it’ll be the same thing as last time

You don’t like it and you won’t like it too

But it’s goodbye so there has to be an ending right?

So do I start this over or title it Dear Wolf

And then edit the last, first, one and end it with Sincerely

A name?

I hate all of my names. I couldn’t even name myself right.

I don’t know.

It won’t matter.

At the end of the day

I’m still stuck here

And you’re gone away.

So goodbye to the seldom found only light that lasted this year.

You’re just following all the others.

You were the last one here.

Thousands upon thousands

Branches reaching into the endless night

The far away stars shining so lonely in their space away from anyone

The arms of a nothing meant to try failure

The taste of the bitter water of a poison that will never end

Dripping from above the poison runs down the trunks

Into the ground where no matter the scream it cannot be heard

I’m glad no one was hurt in the process

I still had to hear about how someone else has support I will never have

I wish I could be hit by it

An accident

And then never have to open this worn raw eyes into the light of day again

Put back into the ground locked away where I belong as nothing and nobody

Out of nothing nothing can come

Now everyone’s gone

Everyone

All I wanted was somebody who cares.

There’s nobody there.

It’s my punishment

It’s my punishment

It’s my fucking punishment so stop crying like a fucking bitch and accept you are a piece of shit who deserves this

I deserve this

I’ve done no good in this world and I deserve this

I deserve this

I want to die but I have to survive so I can take my punishment and live in silence with no one

Nothing

I deserve this

Stop crying

It’s my punishment

Stop fucking crying

I can’t fix it I tried and the punishment got worse so stop fucking trying and crying and hoping someone will help you and accept this is what you deserve

I deserve this

I can’t fix it

This is my life

I’m all alone

So

You’re Never Gonna Be Alone

Comes on

So songs about how other people aren’t going to be alone come on

So songs about how it’s going to get better come on

So lies fill my ears and I cry harder

So the music is gone again and I have to live in silence with my brain

This is my punishment

I am a monster and this is my punishment

I wish I knew how long it lasts so I could count down the days

I wish I could die

The answer to “will suffering end”

Is no

This is my punishment

I deserve to be alone without love or support

Or else I would have it

And I don’t

I’m in the wrong box

I want to go home

If I could just climb out of this box

And say to the other

I miss you can I come home? I miss you can’t I please come home?

And the other box as bright as the sun would welcome me home like that sign I see every time

おかえりなさい

成田で

And I knew the first time I landed it was for me because I could read it

I could read it

I know my place there

I know what role to fill

I know that if I want something it will be near

Even without anyone

I could find some peace of mind

Knowing I was in the right box

And there was no matter of time

時間の間、空っぽ空間、永遠の寂しさでも

そこだけの空気で

やっと呼吸の間に

痛みも消えるくらい

Homeの言葉がなくっても

Homeになった場合

このくっだらない時間の間

残酷しかない。

Vague recollection tied to sorrow and pain.

End the love

Why do complete strangers offer me kindness like I know how you feel and you’re important and

The people I know don’t think that

They don’t think that so why do people who haven’t seen my face think that

If they knew they’d just go like everyone else running past me

Into their happy futures.

I wish I could find something better than in the middle.

You’re so quiet

When I die will you be there smiling or

I bad mouthed you

Don’t say yes

If you know then don’t say yes

I don’t understand what you mean when you say

I see you

I don’t understand what that means I thought

If I collect them

Do you think I can help?

I know I need help but there isn’t any coming

And I can’t hear the words of strangers

Because everyone who knows me is gone

So it’s got to be me

It’s not any of them it’s me

I has to be the only constant in all of them is me

I don’t know why

I tried to make myself better because I’m awful and unneeded and

Dead in the trench is where the darks go to hide because you kept telling me to keep them inside

What no one knows can’t hurt them and I can keep it separate.

I erased the pieces when I started

Now they’re fragmenting again.

This one is where faces and pretty pictures go

This one is where my bleeding arm goes

This one is where poetry and randomly talking to strangers goes

This one goes nowhere whole.