Elucidating Questions

Vague recollection tied to sorrow and pain.

End the love

Why do complete strangers offer me kindness like I know how you feel and you’re important and

The people I know don’t think that

They don’t think that so why do people who haven’t seen my face think that

If they knew they’d just go like everyone else running past me

Into their happy futures.

I wish I could find something better than in the middle.

You’re so quiet

When I die will you be there smiling or

I bad mouthed you

Don’t say yes

If you know then don’t say yes

I don’t understand what you mean when you say

I see you

I don’t understand what that means I thought

If I collect them

Do you think I can help?

I know I need help but there isn’t any coming

And I can’t hear the words of strangers

Because everyone who knows me is gone

So it’s got to be me

It’s not any of them it’s me

I has to be the only constant in all of them is me

I don’t know why

I tried to make myself better because I’m awful and unneeded and

Dead in the trench is where the darks go to hide because you kept telling me to keep them inside

What no one knows can’t hurt them and I can keep it separate.

I erased the pieces when I started

Now they’re fragmenting again.

This one is where faces and pretty pictures go

This one is where my bleeding arm goes

This one is where poetry and randomly talking to strangers goes

This one goes nowhere whole.

It feels like waking up every morning out of places where people were and would and did

Into a world where I’m alone

And it hurts

And I just want it to stop

It feels like if I just had someone who understood and could help me

It feels like there’s no one like that

It feels like I’ve been alone for weeks and I can’t find anyone safe

It feels like I may have someone who I could trust later but not now

Just

Can’t do it

I’m so afraid of new people

Everyone left

And every day hurts

And I can’t remember anything but pain

I just wanted this year to be the start of never having to want to die ever again but it wasn’t

And I’m all alone and I just wish

Someone would kill me

Please

Just kill me…

Please I don’t want to fight anymore

I want to die

You knew who when

You knew it then but I can’t let myself give in to thinking anything because it would hurt too much to even think

I’m not even worth a line in a song

A notch on the bedpost

Neither

And I don’t know when or who or what or why I just know that regardless what follows

It’s not for

I just need somewhere to go

Someone who is willing to help me be me again but I can’t seem to get the better of them they sew my lips shut and my arms closed and my eyes to the ground and hiding

Please don’t talk to me come near me

Help me

Will never leave these lips again simply because then everyone else wins

Don’t they?

Oh look I’m needed I feel so important but now I hate you because I don’t want to be needed and if you need me you’re too much go away

I wonder what it’s like to feel needed

I could drop dead and the story wouldn’t flinch

You act like I’m demanding a mile when I’m begging for a fucking inch

Couplets

Coupled

Together

Good for fucking them

We can all sew words together but we’re all just losing

When I die

If there even was a heaven

Would it just be a place without pain where someone knew my name because I can’t remember

Any of these days and someone said after was a mirror of the living and I don’t have any

So what if I get there and

Hermes is being a fucker and interrupting my crying while typing by auto filling in contradictions to every sentence I put through

I’m looking at you

Stop

I don’t believe you.

Hermes you know me and you know when I’m drowning

But knowing you know me isn’t trust

And I know now too

The love isn’t trust

That’s a cop out.

But it’s true.

It’s not begging for a fucking inch?

It must be really hard to know me then.

Or are you referring to begging for 7 inches approximately?

Why?

I don’t understand you anymore.

I’m going to be erased because he can’t be seen with me

Because he’s going to be famous now and I’m nothing and

I’m nothing

And he’s better than me because he’s famous

And it doesn’t matter what I know because I’m nothing

And he can’t be seen with me because I’m nothing

Money changes everything

But it’s not the money it’s just that he’s better than me that’s why he gets to be happy and live happy

That’s why I’m stuck here he’s a better person than I am I’m a monster

This is where I belong not in someone’s arms or being loved by somebody or seen

Or heard

I’m going to be erased because he’s worth more than I was ever going to be worth

I’m so lonely help me

But no one can because I’m worthless

And now I get to watch him go

Just like they wouldn’t turn around to meet me

He won’t turn around to help me

Go be famous and happy then…

I’m sorry I’m worthless

I’m sorry I made you aware of me I’m sorry

I want to go to sleep

I don’t want to wake up again

I woke up and you’re still not here

Who do you think you are existing when I can’t get to you but I always have the feeling you’re missing?

What was the point in waking up if you’re never going to be here and don’t you dare

Fucking tell me the purpose of my life was to be alone so I would learn how to be alone because I don’t want this I didn’t ever want this I’ve been afraid of this since I was four years old standing on the other side of a door in time out afraid I’d be kept there forever and everyone would leave me and my parents hated me

I’m just living a nightmare why is this my life?

I woke up and you weren’t there and I don’t want to think about all the stuff that happens when everything makes sense because it makes

No sense to anyone but me

And I’m all alone and there’s nobody home and I have been fighting the urge to just lie on the ground and quit and give up but I

I was afraid to be alone but now I’m just alone all the time and it’s nothing just like me the hours go away and every single day I’m alone and I don’t want to

Why do I have to wake up if you’re not here?

It started when I got back from Japan

2015 not 17

Think back in a different way

I feel like I came back and everyone was so distant and I couldn’t bring them back

The sound of your voice

Chester

I don’t even have a song playing I just know your voice in my head

I link back because you were right when he said it

But when I was in Japan I’d found my three

Always always three

I just happens to me

Black purple red

Rocks Holes and a Head

If the fates had some empathy.

Like the gods did too

Maybe they’d be nicer to you.

But when I came back everyone seemed so different to me

And I did make friends I didn’t have before but I think I was so shocked down to my core

Reeling from losing my last grandparents

Two while I was gone

And the home I returned to not for too long

Felt broken

And sad

And no matter how hard I tried

Everyone seemed so far away

But maybe it was just my eyes

I never knew much didn’t know anything at all

But I felt so much more connected to other people there even when trying not to fall

Here it’s like free falling

There it’s like

Hey,

Do you want to go do something?

And when they can’t, even when they can’t, they come up with another time

And I felt loved and wanted

Because it felt like they wanted me even if they were lying.

Here it’s like

Can we do something?

…

Either silence or a plain no

Not how about next week? Or I’m busy but I love you though!

時間がなくっても時間を作る、今週はだめでも来週が来る。

文化の問題とか,ただの間違え

I don’t know

But here’s what it’s like when no one tries to keep you

No one tries to reschedule no one tries to support

No one tries to help no one tries to even purport

That they want me when I need them

Or like they need me too

I just needed a hug

And someone to say me too.