Elucidating Questions

I’ll tell you something that you’ll never know

I don’t like feeling this way

I wish

I could be alone

Because alone is not alone when your thoughts and all the whispering

The face inside that laughs when I cry

Trying to put it outside made it seem like I was outside

But doesn’t heal the pain

I’m not alone

I’m alone with the voice

Voices

My dad’s voice telling me everyone will get bored of me and leave

My mum’s voice telling me I can’t just invite myself over or into people’s company it’s rude

My sister’s voice telling me I’m a terrible human being

My sister’s voice telling me all the reasons she wants to move away from me

My voices of voices heard before echoed in the cruel darkening whirling mass of water fire shards of glass

I wish I could go somewhere where I don’t have to hear the nothing

I wish I could find somewhere where I didn’t have to hear the nothing

I was so afraid of the nothing and it got me too and I can’t keep going without you

Sebastian

Help me

You’re just throwing out the trash.

You’re just getting rid of the garbage.

You’re just doing what everyone does.

Everyone dies so why would it matter if it’s here tonight or somewhere five hundred years from now

Every day without you is punishment

This weekend was just the punishment leading up to the punishment

I want to say goodbye forever because I’m afraid of every you that follows you

And all the others

I think the reason I can’t be positive is because there’s no positive in my life.

You tried so hard and I can’t be good enough for you and I’m sorry you had to go through knowing me.

I’m sorry you had to go through it but you’ll forget me just like everyone else

It’s not just you it’s everyone.

I go missing on purpose and no one notices.

I want to throw away my phone so that every time I look at it there isn’t no call or no text or no message or no anything

But apps calling me back

Because I wouldn’t be looking at it

I’m sorry

I don’t know how to find positive all alone in my room every day all day I tried I really did but it’s not here either and I just want to go home where I feel safe

Like that one time you hugged me and it felt like I was safe

But I’m not going to be safe

I don’t want to be safe

I’ve been cutting every day aince…

I don’t know how long it’s been two three days who cares there’s no time here

I spend hours staring at nothing or plastering fake smiles to swollen faces demanding more into their guts that don’t fit in seatbelts

But I don’t remember

It washes away in the pain like the worst day of the flu every day and even once people realise you’re not contagious they still act like you are

Every moment with you stood out in those moments that never seemed to end when I sat right where I am will be always will be

When I just longed for a friend

You’ll always be better than me

You’ll always be worth more

But I’ll send you this you won’t read it if you do it’ll be the same thing as last time

You don’t like it and you won’t like it too

But it’s goodbye so there has to be an ending right?

So do I start this over or title it Dear Wolf

And then edit the last, first, one and end it with Sincerely

A name?

I hate all of my names. I couldn’t even name myself right.

I don’t know.

It won’t matter.

At the end of the day

I’m still stuck here

And you’re gone away.

So goodbye to the seldom found only light that lasted this year.

You’re just following all the others.

You were the last one here.

Thousands upon thousands

Branches reaching into the endless night

The far away stars shining so lonely in their space away from anyone

The arms of a nothing meant to try failure

The taste of the bitter water of a poison that will never end

Dripping from above the poison runs down the trunks

Into the ground where no matter the scream it cannot be heard

I’m glad no one was hurt in the process

I still had to hear about how someone else has support I will never have

I wish I could be hit by it

An accident

And then never have to open this worn raw eyes into the light of day again

Put back into the ground locked away where I belong as nothing and nobody

Out of nothing nothing can come

Now everyone’s gone

Everyone

All I wanted was somebody who cares.

There’s nobody there.

It’s my punishment

It’s my punishment

It’s my fucking punishment so stop crying like a fucking bitch and accept you are a piece of shit who deserves this

I deserve this

I’ve done no good in this world and I deserve this

I deserve this

I want to die but I have to survive so I can take my punishment and live in silence with no one

Nothing

I deserve this

Stop crying

It’s my punishment

Stop fucking crying

I can’t fix it I tried and the punishment got worse so stop fucking trying and crying and hoping someone will help you and accept this is what you deserve

I deserve this

I can’t fix it

This is my life

I’m all alone

So

You’re Never Gonna Be Alone

Comes on

So songs about how other people aren’t going to be alone come on

So songs about how it’s going to get better come on

So lies fill my ears and I cry harder

So the music is gone again and I have to live in silence with my brain

This is my punishment

I am a monster and this is my punishment

I wish I knew how long it lasts so I could count down the days

I wish I could die

The answer to “will suffering end”

Is no

This is my punishment

I deserve to be alone without love or support

Or else I would have it

And I don’t

I’m in the wrong box

I want to go home

If I could just climb out of this box

And say to the other

I miss you can I come home? I miss you can’t I please come home?

And the other box as bright as the sun would welcome me home like that sign I see every time

おかえりなさい

成田で

And I knew the first time I landed it was for me because I could read it

I could read it

I know my place there

I know what role to fill

I know that if I want something it will be near

Even without anyone

I could find some peace of mind

Knowing I was in the right box

And there was no matter of time

時間の間、空っぽ空間、永遠の寂しさでも

そこだけの空気で

やっと呼吸の間に

痛みも消えるくらい

Homeの言葉がなくっても

Homeになった場合

このくっだらない時間の間

残酷しかない。