Elucidating Questions

It’s so hard to tell whether the dreams are a blessing or a curse

The ones that warn when things are coming

You can warn me

Is the rain you crying with me?

The Sun tried to break through

But for a moment

Reminding me he’s there

I can always use a reminder

But warnings like this

And the worst part is the dreams that are just fears woven in

Never knowing what is premonitory

And I know I can hold her a hundred times in my mind

In my dreams

But it’ll never be the same again and I don’t know

I don’t know if I wanted to know that

I don’t know if I wanted to be shocked by it

Why are both options awful?

Why can’t I go to a place where such sad things don’t happen?

And I’m exhausted

Falling asleep while I’m writing this

You’ll come right?

To see me tonight?

I want you to go away forever

I don’t want you to leave

This being in my dreams

I have you held in my teeth

The teeth are the Cat

Because we’re always so angry

You took someone

So desperate to have someone

Even just a spirit of Death who hangs around

“Just”

Watch it insolent one

I’ll think of it as you

The rain

That you wept a million tears having to do what you do

Like I know you do for all

It is easier not to know

Those evils of truth

But you know me

Crack, break

Scream, kick, cry

Get up again

I’m just in the screaming and crying part

The complexities of our relationship transcend speech

I can’t explain how we communicate

My heart is a storm right now

But when it beats right

And it’s done beating for the world’s biggest distraction

And then the solar system’s

You know me

頑張るよ

数日ボロボロだらけで

そして

あの炎のように

まだその火を灯す

道を続ける

Sitting at home

Listening to the rain and the birds

Occasionally smelling the stain of blood Ruby left on my shirt when she peed

This doesn’t feel real

I screamed for real when I got home

Yelled in his general direction

You took my Ruby

I just wanted her to live forever even though it wasn’t possible

Even now I can feel the sympathy

The I’m sorry

The same I’m sorry I’m saying to my herd that doesn’t understand what just happened.

Knowing more than they’ll ever imagine

Knowing nothing

I see myself in you

That same helplessness

That same I would tell them what’s going on if I just could

If they could understand me

I’d tell them it’s okay

That there’s no stopping it

To just enjoy what you have

And then there’s that moment

Would you really explain death to a creature that didn’t understand it?

Didn’t know it?

Would you expose them to the evil truth that their days are numbered?

That everyone they love will either die, or be left behind when they do?

And I see this in you too

Would you tell me if you could?

I would blame you if you didn’t

But would I tell them in turn?

These great truths of life

Life, the existence of it, is so painful and sad

And yet it may be the most beautiful thing in the Universe

The most defying of the orders of them

Even though existence is pain

Existing anyways

Because something inside us says it’s worth it

I don’t know if I’d be able to uplift another species to humanity’s understanding of the awful truths of life

I wonder if that’s why you stay there, as I scream

I always realise later how awful it must be to hear them

The billion billion screams

I’m not there yet

Right now I want to scream at you without thinking of how the screaming may affect you

It’s selfish, and human

And you know that

You’re going to be hanging out on the edge of my consciousness

Enraging me with your presence

The clouds are blocking out the sky tonight

Could you face me?

The Sun couldn’t

Like I’ve said before, this year has been

Indescribably awful

But it’s had nuggets of gold sewn it

And I’m trying to figure out if acknowledging the awful is disrespectful of the good

But I’m too tired to think anymore

Love your pets

A tiny force of nature

Stronger than anyone would believe

Second in command with your one love Tanzy

Standing up when Tanzy passed away and was gone

Fighting

Hiding just how bad it was

Goodbye

Goodbye

A one of a kind girl

A coat I have never seen on any other guinea pig

When you first came to live with me you had a proximity alarm

I knew there was another piggy near you because you’d start going off

I will never know another piggy like you

Like Supi, Tiga, Tanzy, Onyx

I have learned how individuality truly works by watching you

Squabbles, but you were always family

My love

I already miss you

A world without you seems so wrong

So unfair

I’m not ready

It’s too late for me to not be ready

The Time has arrived

And I screamed at him with my whole soul

That this hurts

And immediately something happened to make me want to laugh and I damned him

How dare you make me laugh when it hurts?

Nothing is funny right now

It just want to be miserable

Can’t you allow me that? Time?

Happenstance?

Sometimes things just hurt and they aren’t going to get any better any time soon

The body count this year

Oh, I missed him for a moment

She was the best cuddler

My heart hurts

I feel anxious

Is home going to be the same place without her?

He told me it was time

No, Time

That is a capital T moment

And it felt like a thousand blades had pierced my chest

Because I knew it was true

I knew it was true when she went back for the ultrasound

That I would be losing her

I wanted to extend it

But we were in a end of life care situation and I couldn’t force her to exist because I couldn’t say goodbye to her before it got worse

And he’s always honest with me

I know he’s got them

All my babies

Gentle is the final hand

Cruel as Time may be

He is mercy

Sometimes the end is mercy

And I’m in pieces

But she’s not hurting anymore

I know Ruby can’t live forever

I know that like all the others before her she has to say goodbye some time

But can’t it be at home surrounded by her herd?

Quietly in her sleep?

I just want everything tomorrow to go right

Whatever right is

Even if I have to say goodbye to her

I just wish she could die happily at home

Guinea pigs have such awful genetics

Thanks to humans

Couldn’t breed them carefully, no, had to treat them like livestock

Yes

It’s a night for you to sneak up meakly

And I appreciate that you do

That you show that courtesy

You’re just the messenger

No?

Didn’t like that one

Well you’re something all kind of messengers

I know you don’t decide

But, as I’d like to cry and have reality shape itself around me

I’d like you to stay away

Yes I saw the dreams

I’m not ready

I know that’s what they all say

I know I said the same thing for every one before

I can do this?

This never-ending faith

Cosmic DJ

Death spirits

Both of you

You see these tears?

They’re not at bay right now

This is what I was talking about

The inevitably broken heart of loving an animal

Back in June, but still

Granted, I never see the end when I find the start of a new love

It haunts me, sure, but I accept it

And my heart is broken that my baby is suffering

Whatever it takes to make that stop

I have to swallow this pain

I understand that this is the natural order of things

It hurts like a bitch

Time’s cruelty

And I don’t understand

Why it’s the natural order

But you seem to know that at times like this

That my very human feelings of now and finality get in the way of respecting the calling back to the soil

Returning to our mother from where we came

It should be so easy to accept this as a new journey for her and wish her well

But I find myself clawing seconds together

Death is reality

Little me

But the pain is proof of love

The pain is proof you gave a piece of your heart to them

Let them take it with them

It’s how you’ll find eachother again

I’m a million people in one body, I swear

Forever exhausted by the world around me

Forever having just that little bit of disgusting hope that humans will figure it out

I really just want people to learn to be gentle with themselves

You don’t have to love yourself

That’d make me a hypocrite

But like, acknowledge the parts of yourself that need reassurance or comfort

Acknowledge that there’s been a part of you that hurts from your self speech

Some entity within

And, yeah, the thing

My thing

I have no idea

It talks to me it says

Yes, yes you do

And sometimes I wonder if it’s not just me, but

Oh welcome back

What now?

These spirits

And, yeah, I’m probably completely insane

But that clock thing

Broken as hell, but right about this

We’re all kids somewhere inside

In our irrationalities, in our fears

And a lot of those fears and irrationalities stem from that very kid not getting what they needed

I think if more people paid attention to that kid in them more they’d find a lot of their fears feeling a lot less scary

I know I did

I’ll catch myself in a daymare and be like really?

You silly kid

Chill

People act like you hit 18 and the kid part of you just ceases to exist

Like vwoop now I’m an adult

And isn’t that kid of childish?

Really?

Now suddenly I’m apparently capable of handling all these responsibilities I was not capable of handling 24 hours ago

What?

Like is there an adultifier ray I missed?

Just be good to that kid who society told you to abandon at 18

Let that part of you know that it is safe, and welcome.

Everyone just seems to be having aggravating conversations

Woman walks past me and announces something about libtards into her phone

Some guy walked past me muttering about commies

Then I walked past a dude going on about how some group (probably young people, that was the vibe) is lazy and entitled

How do people let this stuff consume them?

This anger is living, rent free, between your ears

Just chill??

Everyone has this vibe like there’s an enemy out there

I’m very much a walking target for transphobic interactions

Even I don’t think there’s some Boogeyman evil entity I’m supposed to be defending myself against

Individuals are a problem

But if you’re obsessed with some negativity

Aren’t you just inviting negativity to pervade?

I get that brains like patterns and neurotypical people don’t seem to notice when they’re obsessed with a pattern, only when neurodivergent people are

But everyone needs to just not be so damn negative all the time

Coming from me

I’m very much of the opinion that people being harder to deal with is because so many people are pretending to fight an enemy

Anyone should be able to recognise that constantly being in a battle is hard on the central nervous system, yeah?

Like I’m always in a battle with my body, that’s not a choice

But y’all walking down the street almost hoping that guy walking towards you is going to push his luck

Like that woman today

Who was seemingly having a regular conversation before she saw me and suddenly started raving about libtards

Was I supposed to start an argument with her?

What was she expecting me to do?

By the way, anyone who uses any form of the R word is a worse person than the person being addressed by the R word.

By default

No ifs, ands, or buts.

I know I’m defensive

Often waiting for something to go wrong

I have severe anxiety, however, and manage that by doing things to prepare myself and self talk that sounds very much like trying to calm down a scared toddler

And I doubt these people are doing that

Hey brother, in the wild

What’s up?

Suddenly change the topic?

I sink into familiar sounds so quickly

What was that?

A quarter of a bar?

I knew it though

Your distinctive sound

I should tell people to talk to their inner self like scared toddlers, you think?

I mean, yeah

We’re all just a toddler with life experience

And brain development

Somewhere in you is a child who needs to be reassured just as you did when you were that child

People who say they don’t have an inner child don’t lack one, they have locked them away

One thing every adult human has in common is we were all children

That voice, that you, who had things happen they didn’t understand, had things said to them that haunt you still,

They didn’t disappear just because you kept going

Those memories that pop up just as you go to bed aren’t your brain trying to embarrass you years later

They’re that little child at bedtime asking questions about things they’re not sure of

Was this memory embarrassing? They ask

You can answer yes, and have that be it

Or you can answer, yes, but it didn’t really matter then, and it doesn’t really matter now. Go to bed.

Denial doesn’t win anyone any points either

Just, address them

Be to your child self the adult that wasn’t there growing up

Every child has that vision of the ideal adult

Ideal parent

Be them, for yourself

Stop that kid from getting freaked out by all the bad guys out in the world by telling them they’re going to be okay

Just do it