Elucidating Questions

Just because I can’t feel my toes doesn’t mean the tiny flame of

It’s not hope it’s

Maybe something good will happen

Never let it get further hope is not safe

Failure is all I know and I can’t see any reasons to stay except that may be fun in the future for five minutes.

I’ll forget it like I forget everything else,

But at least it happened.

I used to welcome new people with open arms

But now I’m afraid, so afraid

What will they do to me when they’ve grown tired of me?

What pieces of me will they hate that I’ll have to erase until I’m nothing

I can’t stand that pain or the thought of the pain that it would bring

Better to keep them away so if I’m lonely I made it that way but I can’t try anymore I wanted to keep trying

Up until the moment the wolf left

And told me to leave the mage alone.

The mage who I wanted more than anything needed more than anything

Love more than anything

In a cold dead

This is why you should never love again

When fingers touch it it begins to grow uncontrollable every time so step away close the box and lock it this time.

No not anyone

Don’t you understand I can only interact in places I have a plan

A script

To follow and I’m good at improv so follow the script, improvise at “no”.

Alter script accordingly.

If there was someone here they would tell me all the things about me that must make me so sad and they’re all my fault

Even though I didn’t have any of that planned

I don’t want to do it again.

Have someone I need

It’s better to never get cut

And to let the open ones bleed

I want to build a house for all the characters lost in time

Wouldn’t it be a place it would have to go on for miles different rooms different places

Like his

So sweet I loved everything about him.

Fantastic.

It took half an hour

To answer why I had to wake up,

But now I have one reason to go

Until I can’t anymore

Because if you don’t tell them they’re the reason you’re alive

And they never see it

They can’t fall silent in the way

That expresses they wish they weren’t.

So relaxed here so floated

I’m lonely but the feeling is eroded

I didn’t have the strength to tell him I felt the same way

It wouldn’t have mattered, but what can I say?

Passing memories

Not memories

Regrets

They’re always stronger

If I close my eyes it’s dark if I open them it’s

Still dark

Something about it

Makes everything real.

But I’m not anymore

I wasn’t and I wanted to be

But I’m not any more not really me

I put on this play whenever I go out acting so

However it is

Hand picked

Hand painted

Hand washed

And faded.

If I tell them I’m down I’ll just feel the nothing get louder as I know in my life there are three choices

The feather whose life is far too precious to be darkened by me.

The one who would get angry at me.

And the one who would shut down and say nothing

No where to go.

And there could be an expansion of this tiny lonely world but that would take trust

No, no, no

Not again and not ever I won’t open my mouth because everyone was here now I am without and I doubt it wasn’t my own damn fault every fucking time.

But that doesn’t tell me how to fix it

And I’ll never be able to trust myself.

I can’t even trust myself to keep myself alive.

Headache the headache is it a headache?

So far from where I wanted.

So far from the beginning.

It’s a headache between my brows like there’s too much sound

In the silence of the rain falling down

Dripping all around the only sound

And you think

Maybe if I rest it will go away

But it just means goodbye to another day which is one step closer to the end and in the end that’s all that really matters

So that pain can get and life can be over just shut down and wait until you’re older and when you are you’ll wish you’d done something

But I’m wiser than you right now

Because doing something never helped

I start to realise I don’t feel the same

I don’t feel

Right?

Left?

Backwards?

I don’t feel I don’t feel I don’t feel

But then it just goes like

It’s better this way at least this way my waste of a life won’t be such a fucking piss off to live

I’ll just exist in this unfeeling

It’s better this way

I don’t really know how to care about wanting to feel without wanting to feel how I felt and I don’t want to so even if the world turns grey

I’ll remain

No loss no gain.