Elucidating Questions

I don’t know why

But I thought I saw you

And it just feels the same as it did then

Like if only

Like if only we could just

Too much

Too much to expect

I don’t want to go back to being some love sick disgusting person

It’s not worth it

It makes me look foolish

There is no way to you

Like how I miss the sound of your voice

And how I miss your

I shouldn’t know what your hands look like but I love hands and your hands are my favourite

I miss your hands.

Every time I think I’ve got away

I’m back to him again

Like I have no control of it

Yearning silently

And I still don’t know why.

No one’s fucking coming

Don’t get your head knotted

You have the sun the rocks and the other suns

I don’t believe anyone loves me

Because whenever I fall down,

When I finally get back up

There’s no one to be seen

Love, I’m sorry, but I’m glad you’re safe

Not that you’ll ever hear me in this space.

No one ever hears me

Even beating a sound seems like sin

A prayer for the fallen and reminders

But there’s more

Because that’s just how Coyote thinks

If no one here will play with me

Or help me get up

Or wait until I get up

I’m going to play with my rocks

And listen to what they say

Because they’re the only ones who care

In each different way

You’re pretty and perfect and I know I’m just not

You’re beautiful when you scowl gorgeous when you pout

When you frown

When you’re thinking

When you’re playing a part

When you’re tired from working

When you’re down when you’re not

You have such beauty within you I cannot speak I am not worthy of it though I used to think

Used to think

And it’s playing off key now you see because it started without pain and then that’s all there was

How can I keep doing this if I hate every word?

Yet here I am. I am here. Wherever here is anymore.

At least I can say I couldn’t do it alone

The drugs are good

So much thinking is gone.

I wish I could know someone who loves me as I am

Who sees every break for what it is

A cry for help to be saved from the past

But I don’t know that person yet.

Because no one knows me and those that do I’m afraid

They say what they say but I still have to put on a mask

Something to cover up my less desirable parts

But I don’t think there’s a person like it

The clock keeps ticking and I haven’t found anyone who loves me and understands

And accepts me for who I am

Who knows even when I don’t know

But I don’t know

I don’t believe I will.

I only wanted to tell you to let you know that I was going to kill myself in that room in January

I don’t remember what day it was I had no reason to

I was going to do it because I had worn myself down into nothing

I couldn’t speak

I couldn’t eat

I couldn’t drink

I couldn’t do anything

I couldn’t sit still

I couldn’t feel

I felt like nothing

I wanted to be gone

I felt like it was just time to do it

There wasn’t any fear

When I do it these days it’s always through tears

But I had no reason not to

It had simply gone that far

I was so empty

I couldn’t hear any songs

I was going to do it

I’d written my final note

I had no where to go then

But I tried to find my way out

I tried to turn the door knob, but it wouldn’t turn

I tried to lock and unlock it,

But still it stayed firm

Turning to try and find a way to get myself free

All the while your music, which had led me that far,

Kept my mind running, trying to keep myself from dying.

The only way out

Was a knife upon the table

I tried to use it, to unscrew the handle,

But it didn’t

And I for a reason I don’t understand

Still felt I can’t speak

Not a sound could be had

I got mad I started knocking on the door with my hand and no one would open it

So I tried again with my hand but it still wouldn’t budge, so I gave it a slam

Still no one came

So I just gave the doorknob a yank

And finally it opened and I’ll be frank

Not one person who was in the house seemed to think it was strange.

I took back my phone I walked to the back door

And

Told her I wanted to die and she said

I know

And nothing more.

Nothing more.