Elucidating Questions

So goodbye to you too I guess

Good luck and goodbye and

I can’t expect anyone to choose me

Rathering the pain of time

Rather than the possibility of happiness

I can’t choose to choose something else

I don’t want to do this again so just never let it go again

I wanted to know what love was

All I know is it hurts and I won’t know anything else

Because she’s always there and she’s better than me

The wolf said so

The mage said so

Love isn’t going to find me

I feel so alone

After all of this

After all of this

So hollow and empty

And not worth filling

I wanted to believe otherwise

Reality proved me wrong

Unlovable

Unwanted

Unimportant

Erasable.

When he puts on Greek plays

Entailing your dramatic inability to understand what a white lie is

Constantly calling myself a liar

Dramatic

No I still don’t know why that came up

I can be but the worst part is

Sometimes I just know it’s my reality and I can’t help but think

I really can’t do anything about it.

Strange dream

Sometimes it’s like

I’m going to kill myself

And I’m screaming it trying to get the knife through my skin

Sometimes it’s like

I’m going to kill myself

A cold realisation of inevitability that I would not in that moment be able to control

Sometimes it’s like

I known mean to myself

No one ever taught me how to stop

Or gave me reason to think otherwise

I miss you please don’t be gone please don’t go away

I miss you please come back please I…

All I needed was that one night

Please I

Know you’re not coming back and you have no reason to because you decided

Decided I wouldn’t couldn’t do

And no one else wants me so I’m stuck here like this

It’s not good enough it’s like

Ordering a Sundae from Serendipity and getting a cup of almond milk that was left in the sun.

Like well okay it’s something anyway

Never enough

I’m so tired of missing you for feelings reasons and then missing you for feeling reasons and then thinking

I wish I hadn’t ever said anything because if I hadn’t I’d be sitting here crying about being a 27 year old virgin but instead I’m here

Feeling like it’ll never be enough again

And it’ll never be worth it again

And I just wish you’d come back because we could do this at least another month or two before you find a girl you actually want so

Why

But

Into silence and nothing

Because I have no way

And you don’t love me

And I don’t understand how you can’t love people

But I wish I was like you

Because then I wouldn’t hurt like I do

And he’s never coming back

And I’ll take another drink

Where am I supposed to go

From the castle gate locked

And the answer a silently screamed

No

Moths on the window ledge

Moths on the screen

Sometimes I wonder how they got in but not that they’re there they come to me.

Usually they die.

Visited by the darkness I wonder why but I guess no one will ever know

Like it’s crawling on the shell of my ear

Tap tap tap

Precisely

And I don’t know where I go in the world it glows out of control

But these things that happen around me happen and I think

Should have would have could have doesn’t mean anything.

Because in each moment there could be action

But instead we’re gone and fractioned

Into quarters who knows why

Every time my mind tells me it wishes it wasn’t playing

I don’t know really.

I mean I’m not enjoying my life but in life maybe life is suffering and then you die

All I’m saying is cutting that short may be a blessing in disguise

Mine anyways

Don’t go on murderous rampages some of these people want to live but shouldn’t all suicide be compassionate?

Or something

Maybe nothing

Maybe I’m nothing and it doesn’t matter anyways at least if I go out I go out on my own terms go ahead sun and burn the idea of cancer

Because he’s Apollo get it

No just make me go away I’d rather not suffer more.

If my life could be better in any way

I’d need a friend

One to listen one to listen to one to play with

Do anything

But I know

I know I’d have to put up a barrier to myself as always

A prick on the end of my right pointer finger

It lingers

Sharp

No one ever hears the harp

Or the sword or the reaper swinging through it

They can’t count the candles burning or the wands holding them up there’s nothing there

Just a scratch at my right bicep

Why?

My face hurts like I’ve just scratched it that burn from scratching an itch slightly raw

From twenty minutes ago

Will touching it make it better or worse?

Finger cold pain in cheek bone

If I could be free of this incessant and distracting pain maybe I could hear you

But I can’t explain that to every person

Can’t illustrate it back

That the biggest reason that never leaves

Always gets the last laugh.

Please don’t get an iPhone

That’s just gross

You’d could just piggy back on the networks already existing

But no

And my fingers ache

And sharp shocking

Like when someone electrocutes you

She could move over slightly but she doesn’t want to

And I’m not worth bothering her.

She says I hope you’re okay

In the way

That says I know you’re not okay

But I won’t do anything

Its fine

That’s how our relationship is.

Six remaining strings in the web the leafs are falling and dying in the winter cold

World weary and under a lot of stress

Perhaps

But what does that mean?

There are tens of thousands more

But I’m a dead child walking daily

Why do I hold the explosions

Why do I fall down and not get back up

I wish I was the kind of person who did something without being paralysed in indecision and doubt

I miss having someone to talk to but I don’t know where to go from here or how

Everytime it’s just an accident of circumstances

Was it predetermined and if so

Why?

Why all of it?

We’re all just doing as we do are we even actually sentient?

Do we actually know?

I don’t think so.

I wish it wasn’t so far

I wish I wasn’t so fat too thanks autocorrect

My tongue is black

I take him back if I just can

Please

I don’t know why

But I need him because I can’t have him

Don’t you understand

Don’t you understand

I need them both but I don’t have a choice and

He’s all I have left

How many more times am I going to look at my phone hoping?

How many more times will I have to find myself in the middle of imagining him

Only to remember I’ll never see him again

How much longer do I have to miss talking to him before my mind reminds me it was all worthless

And I remember not to

Loveless was the one after all I didn’t want it to be,

Because I was afraid to be without love

But I don’t have it

Can’t keep it

I’m afraid of it because someday it’ll be used against me

How much longer?

I’m just sad

It’s nothing serious

It won’t matter in the end

I’d rather feel nothing

And drink another glass

January is when I’ll start with rum in the flask.