Elucidating Questions

It was so peculiar to look outside and see stars

I didn’t expect them

Didn’t expect Saturn to just be there hanging

And for a moment it was him and something unspoken passed between us

Just as it is

The sign in the sky

The Sun couldn’t handle it

But there’s you

And he didn’t leave me alone last night

Maybe I didn’t leave him alone

I don’t really remember how it goes

And can I just pretend the moments that the blue fire was there were him instead?

Maybe I’m dreaming the concerts he’s putting on

I don’t know

I never know

And dwelling on dreams, well

Something tells me that when you’ve got nothing else that’s what you do

If there’s something better point me in the direction of it

Will you tell me?

The direction of happiness?

Don’t tell me that

Tell me something else

Cruelty is thine name sometimes I swear

Vagueness, that way

To the direction that says Do Not Enter?

How does one make oneself a superstar?

Poof I’m special now

Unimportant, part of the previous mission

Some things are done when they say they are

Do you call it strength?

To continue walking alone?

I may not show them my tears

But I still cried them

Is it strength?

Or necessity?

If I had any power I’d change it

Resentment

From me it’s fine

May it stay with me

Someone’s having the time of their life

Someone’s living a nightmare

Is that balance?

Doesn’t balance quell the extremes?

Well

I suppose it’s past time I’m philosophizing about the balance of the Universe

It’s just a little complicated

Visit me tonight will you?

Today was so lonely

To the dreams again

The Sun did not face me

Coward

There is a beautiful storm blowing through

Moderate rains

Moody skies

It’s too late for thunder

But the sky is changing where it looks like the light is coming from

Apparently the Sun is to the North

North West

I should name these kinds of skies

Trickster’s light

It leaves me unsettled

Like what if the Sun actually moved?

This is why your sorry ass would have shown your face today

I’m in loss mode

Everything feels like it’s slipping away

The inheritance is almost gone

It’s been so nice not worrying about how to budget

Everything

Everything is slipping away

It’s all so temporary

Nothing is forever

Forever terrifies me

But I want it

I get the same shock of terror from the

This will go on forever, thoughts

As the

You’re going to die, thoughts

Why are both options terrible?

Is there a place where we can just stop

And sit in peace for a bit

Uncle Paul thank you for sending me enough to let my Ruby Ru go gently

But it runs out

It all runs out

Remember when I thought the rain would never end?

Calling the Moon to the Earth

Destructive

I don’t want that

I want to live where things are fine and the worst things that happen are arguments

Back into it, I suppose

With my devices, of course

Always with my devices

So many things

I kind of feel bad for her

He’s off over there and there and there

Maybe that’s their harmony

The Sun has allegedly done a swing around the entire sky

That was fun to watch

Trickster’s Light fits

I’m so fucking bad with money

I can say I did better than last time but exactly how many more times does this happen?

Sort of ran out of one time occurrences

Wasn’t even expecting this one

Didn’t even know my Uncle had money

Didn’t even know he left some to my dad to give to us

Can’t exactly live on one time occurrences

I’m not going to call them lucky

As one required me becoming irreparably disabled and the other required my Uncle passing away

They weren’t good things

I don’t know

The only person I have to answer to is myself and I am not good at missing out on things

I’m not

I missed out on things my entire life and the moment is so much more important to me than the future sometimes

I just want the moment to be good

Pain makes you do stupid things to

I’ll do anything to make this day better

And then I do and pay for it later

Or rather don’t as I have nothing left to pay with

Excuses I know

But I invite you to live my life if that’s how you feel

Well that was a fun little storm to watch

I don’t feel like I’m going to enjoy the next little while

I deserve to live how I have been

But that’s not sustainable

Ah well

We’ll watch it in slow motion

This issue with adult voice actors playing children

Because I’m listening to an adult voice

I’m like that voice sounds hot

Then they’re voice acting a kid

And I’m like no stop

Especially certain male voice actors

But also I’m very much attracted to the “boy voice” some female voice actors put on

Megumi Oogata being one

That’s a full grown adult voice

And I’m then watching the actual show, because it’s usual when they’re singing the OP that I’m like “that’s attractive”

And then I realise who the singer of the OP is voice acting and I’m like nooooo

Cartoons don’t really affect me like they did when I was a kid

I’m not like attracted to characters I wasn’t already into as a kid

Children characters are also children

So, yeah, it’s just awkward

It brings up philosophical questions like is a person who is playing a minor a minor in that moment?

Here’s the thing, American television started doing this disgusting thing where they have the adult actors of teenagers just going at it like bunnies on screen

Frankly it’s gross to me

Even knowing that the actors are adults

Because it’s like they hit that magical 18 and suddenly it’s okay to put them on video half naked, moaning, and gyrating

Does that apply to animation?

I definitely get that squicked gross

Awful feeling when I realise I’ve been attracted to a voice meant to portray a minor

There are some male voice actors I have heard in less than saintly anime

So similarly when they voice act children I’m like, no, you bad human

It’s hard to say because my type of attraction never really equates to sex

It’s just like that was the good kind of stimulating

You are the good kind of stimulating

Cartoons are difficult I think

When it’s young actors you’ve been viewing as children

But cartoons don’t age

So like there are characters who were teenagers when I was a teenager who I felt attraction towards, that now I see them and I’m terribly confused what I’m supposed to do

As I aged I wasn’t interested in people younger than me, but the characters in anime are always more mature than a regular teenager in many ways

That’s why I ended up idolizing them so much

That’s why I never recognised how old any of the characters were

They always felt older

And then I was older

And I still live those characters

Most of them

But I don’t know how to interact with them anymore so they’re in the past or a quiet couple days of nostalgia at home where I don’t have to come up against anyone for being as enthusiastic for them as I was

Growing up is difficult

That whole “grooming” and “sexual predator” thing people have been pushing about trans people

I’ve pretended it doesn’t bother me, but it really, really, bothers me

Because I was molested by my church best friend’s brother who was a Good Christian

And it makes me feel physically ill to think of doing anything like that to a child

So I find myself in mental battles with myself trying to determine if I’m somehow a predator because I find adult voices attractive

Because they’re being used to portray minors

I’m terrified that I’m just secretly exactly what they think I am

Never once in my life have I found a kid attractive beyond “oh I like you, and we’re in fourth grade and you have no interest in me okay bye”

But still I’ve got these fears now

That poor kid that grows up to become this

I still remember when my mum told me gay was a bad word

Still remember seeing people calling gay people what they’re calling trans people now

Yet I’m effected

Just to be perfectly clear these are not kid voices that actually sound like children

No 10 year old’s voice sounds like that unless he’s been smoking his entire life

And I’m certainly not interested in the character

Stupid women making deep voices being a thing for me

Constant inner turmoil

I scream at myself when there’s no one left to fight

ね？

The Sun is out

In the other side of the house

I wonder if he’ll face me today?

The weather was so apt

I spent the day trying to keep positive so she wouldn’t know

But when they took her in to the back door the ultrasound I broke

Knowing that it wasn’t an easy fix meant it was the end of the road

And I was going to try to keep her comfortable at home

But then I held her and I could feel the pain coursing through her

And I knew

That pain wouldn’t be gone, just less

It would just be low grade torture for my own sake

It was like the sky was crying for me

The end is so hard

I’ve been hesitant to write about it when it comes to my animals because I love them as humans and so many people just don’t get that

But they don’t know how she comforted me with each loss

How we took naps together

How I’d pick her up and she’d place herself over my chest in such a way that I had to take a nap

My little nurse piggy

She was so unique

I’ve never seen another piggy like her

Until we meet again, my love

The Sun would be doing himself a favour if he stays out today

I could use some light

He did visit, last night, the Death being in my dreams

We were talking about something important

I’ve completely forgotten of course

It’s the hug

Like I’m a treasure that has been missed

Something I’ve only known in my dreams

I never remember anything about his features or if he has features

I just remember the warmth of the interaction and seek it again

And, at first, I was just disturbed by the concept

It was just a repeating dream

I was afraid of the implications of me summoning Death every night

But, you know, time went on and nothing like being treasured happened in real life

He’s my only source of affection

If touch starved me has to seek touch in my dreams so be it

And my piggies are often there

Dreams are the only place I can do things

I go shopping, I hang out with dream friend

I go all over town

And Japan

I’m in Tokyo and the 田舎村

Daytime sucks in comparison

I broke the rules for a moment

I guess I just wanted to see if he was doing better than me

He is

I’m so exhausted

I’m not ready for this

This third time in a year slow walk away from a love of my life.

Waiting as the waves crash in

Waiting until they calm

Waiting for the seperate grief world I’m in to be engulfed by life

Until the grief seems small at a distance

And just drags you down every once in a while

You’d think I’m an expert at this by now

There are things that we can have, but can’t keep

Sometimes those words make me want to throw the chair

Sometimes I know they’re right

Can I be both right now?

I do wish there was someone to talk to

It’s so hard to tell whether the dreams are a blessing or a curse

The ones that warn when things are coming

You can warn me

Is the rain you crying with me?

The Sun tried to break through

But for a moment

Reminding me he’s there

I can always use a reminder

But warnings like this

And the worst part is the dreams that are just fears woven in

Never knowing what is premonitory

And I know I can hold her a hundred times in my mind

In my dreams

But it’ll never be the same again and I don’t know

I don’t know if I wanted to know that

I don’t know if I wanted to be shocked by it

Why are both options awful?

Why can’t I go to a place where such sad things don’t happen?

And I’m exhausted

Falling asleep while I’m writing this

You’ll come right?

To see me tonight?

I want you to go away forever

I don’t want you to leave

This being in my dreams

I have you held in my teeth

The teeth are the Cat

Because we’re always so angry

You took someone

So desperate to have someone

Even just a spirit of Death who hangs around

“Just”

Watch it insolent one

I’ll think of it as you

The rain

That you wept a million tears having to do what you do

Like I know you do for all

It is easier not to know

Those evils of truth

But you know me

Crack, break

Scream, kick, cry

Get up again

I’m just in the screaming and crying part

The complexities of our relationship transcend speech

I can’t explain how we communicate

My heart is a storm right now

But when it beats right

And it’s done beating for the world’s biggest distraction

And then the solar system’s

You know me

頑張るよ

数日ボロボロだらけで

そして

あの炎のように

まだその火を灯す

道を続ける

Sitting at home

Listening to the rain and the birds

Occasionally smelling the stain of blood Ruby left on my shirt when she peed

This doesn’t feel real

I screamed for real when I got home

Yelled in his general direction

You took my Ruby

I just wanted her to live forever even though it wasn’t possible

Even now I can feel the sympathy

The I’m sorry

The same I’m sorry I’m saying to my herd that doesn’t understand what just happened.

Knowing more than they’ll ever imagine

Knowing nothing

I see myself in you

That same helplessness

That same I would tell them what’s going on if I just could

If they could understand me

I’d tell them it’s okay

That there’s no stopping it

To just enjoy what you have

And then there’s that moment

Would you really explain death to a creature that didn’t understand it?

Didn’t know it?

Would you expose them to the evil truth that their days are numbered?

That everyone they love will either die, or be left behind when they do?

And I see this in you too

Would you tell me if you could?

I would blame you if you didn’t

But would I tell them in turn?

These great truths of life

Life, the existence of it, is so painful and sad

And yet it may be the most beautiful thing in the Universe

The most defying of the orders of them

Even though existence is pain

Existing anyways

Because something inside us says it’s worth it

I don’t know if I’d be able to uplift another species to humanity’s understanding of the awful truths of life

I wonder if that’s why you stay there, as I scream

I always realise later how awful it must be to hear them

The billion billion screams

I’m not there yet

Right now I want to scream at you without thinking of how the screaming may affect you

It’s selfish, and human

And you know that

You’re going to be hanging out on the edge of my consciousness

Enraging me with your presence

The clouds are blocking out the sky tonight

Could you face me?

The Sun couldn’t

Like I’ve said before, this year has been

Indescribably awful

But it’s had nuggets of gold sewn it

And I’m trying to figure out if acknowledging the awful is disrespectful of the good

But I’m too tired to think anymore

Love your pets