Elucidating Questions

I think we each find our own way

In this destruction they created

I wonder where my gods have gone

Where the pagan rituals went

The ones that they looked at and painted as barbaric

And erased

They still look upon my practices as

Barbaric

Crude

They coopted Celtic religion and made it synonymous with evil

People say “Pagan”

They mean “Satanic”

There was no fucking Satan in the Celtic lands

I give thanks to the mother goddess and dance under the stars of thousands of years of experience

Life

Lighting the cosmos

And I feel it

The ridicule

We haven’t been allowed

To be given recognition.

Pagan.

Druidic.

Celtic.

They died.

Still in the homeland there are

Don’t call me a fucking Brit

Rightly so, brothers and sisters

Rightly gods damn so.

Oh but it’s everywhere

It’s in every sentence

The foul poisoned blood of the sacrifice

I get stuck here,

I’m sure you don’t

But he meant well.

If he was.

You know him, you’ve heard of him at least once today.

Not one person from here doesn’t know his name.

But they.

The phrase should not be

Absolute power corrupts absolutely

It should be

Humans who crave absolute power are corrupt, absolutely

And following, thousands of years of tears and pain.

Death.

And loss.

On the back

Of the fucking

Cross.

I imagine I see the man slowly getting up his dog at his feet

Loving companion always nearby

In the chill and seen breath

The lights shine clear

Even the day ending doesn’t change the night sky

And even the unending night doesn’t change the day inside

Wondering how it could be so simple and so complicated

Guilt for the guilty

I don’t know if I have it

I wasn’t trying to give it

What am I doing?

Why am I so terrible at it?

Sparkling away in the night unheeded by the silliness of human life

I wish I was a star at least then I would be bright and strong enough to keep those that matter.

Find things and keep them in my sphere

Little collections

So many precious little collections

You

I don’t know why

I don’t want anyone to know I failed again.

Because every time I fail it’s a “cry for attention”.

Don’t you see why it’s cruel to keep me living after the life has poured out and I thought finally…

Finally I could go home.

When the gods have had enough I hide in the spirits

I

We

Where do we go though?

Vancouver?

Just go you say.

Nothing will change if I never choose.

Life

Or death

Death will be with you wherever you go don’t miss it

Choose life

The messenger

Is softer

Than usual

But standoffish

Try try try again.

Hermes

It’s not a cry for attention

I just failed

I think I’m so disappointed in my inability to achieve this

He whispers

Just go back to Japan.

Just go.

I wish it was that easy

How dare you

Stop touching me

I said

If I kill myself now I won’t get dinner

You could live for dinner

I only want corn

Then live for corn

Live for corn? Are you fucking stupid?

It’s the only reason you have

I can’t sit down

Now she’s all excited about Tuesday but I don’t want Tuesday

Yuzu would have been worth it

I woke up at three after having spent the entire night awake

And vomiting into my toilet from 3:00am-9:00am

Yesterday I ate

A bread and four waffles

Someone will remember that

I shake but I want to go back to watching the blood drip down the sink

Slow flow into the ocean

Does she taste the dying ironic essence

Don’t give up

You’ll see the light

Chester

I know you’re mad I lied and I please just don’t scream at me again

Do you though?

One light goes out in the sky and you do

Right?

Watching the blood drain into the sink was the most interesting thing that happened this month

My chest is tight

But it was bubbles one time and the way it meets water but not quite

Not oil and water

Blood and water

There’s blood in the water.

You got me to bandage it but it’s bleeding through and I’m so tired so tired so so tired

What comes after today?

Just

Just answer me that much

I’m stuck with you you insist you are Chester

Who knows you could have just liked that name I don’t know but you sure act like him

But

So there’s you

And me

And that’s all there will ever be?

He goes

My ear explodes

He

Why are you doing this to me?

Why would he ever ever hurt himself over me

No one ever has

No one ever has stop scaring me with the thoughts of the

Fallout fallout hahaha

Geddit?

It’s still bleeding into my shirt.

The mermaid wants to go with the doctor.

I just want to go.

If I live

It’s attempt 10? 15?

30?

And how do I keep going like this?

Now that I know the way out.

I wish I could donate it.

Just walk in to a clinic and say

I would like to donate a human of blood

And they would be like

Yes.

So that at least I wasn’t just pouring important stuff another person is dying for not having right now into the drink.

I’m not dying

I’m finally choosing to love myself enough

To know

I’ve had enough

Oh Edgar

Edgar Allan

Josh

However it’s pronounced these days

Oh

You

Do you ever look at the rung above you rusted and copper worn

Do you ever look at the piping

Hollow but thick enough and connected so firmly to the cement hole

You think it’s safe

Do you ever see that it’s been shorn in such a way that

You’ll never be able to get up?

Besides above?

Do you ever look at this and say

It can’t be that ba~a~a~a~ad?

Is it a sheep or a song reference

Does that make any fucking sense to you?

You say you’re still a little/lot crazy a~all the time but that has to still rhyme

I hope I make you feel better about your self.

At least you’re not as crazy or completely fucking fucked

As me