Elucidating Questions

So if there’s a bowl of M&Ms

And 86% of them are poisoned

What do you do?

Do you

Try and try and try and try and try

Again and again,

Getting sicker and sicker as no one understands

And you stand at a crossroads where there was supposed to be someone on the other side

But it’s empty

And it’s 86% that’s a remaining 14% split in half 7%

Of that seven percent

No not seven billion

No not billion at all

Five hundred fifty million

What are the chances

The age would be right

Or that they haven’t died

And been replaced by another number

I can’t find a way to believe that anything good could happen

Percentages

Possibility

Probability

And 86% just don’t get it

They can’t it’s not their fault they just won’t but that means they all have eachother aren’t they lucky to know that they can be understood

Understood

I just wish to be understood.

No more looks and no more judgement just

Understood

Understand?

No.

And at the crossroads

Munching away

On poisoned M&Ms

I wait for the train

To bring my end

I wonder I wonder what if it happens again

Each year progressively worse

Remember when I thought

I thought everything was going to get better and then

He got arrested

He died

His leg got hurt

He got sad and then sadder

I lost my way

I still haven’t found it

He hurt his ankle

Her house

He could have used me

But I wasn’t there

Because I’m too small

The good thing happened

It’s over and done

This year two thousand and eleventy eighth

I would like to be farther away

There is no one present

There is no one here

My one week came to an end

In this awful year

Unstuck from the feeling

Of feeling

Of being alive

Television isn’t alive.

I wish I was back in the city.

There is no new west.

There is no real west.

There is none.

But if I love you then I love myself because at the end of the day I’m still alone here and all the proof in the world doesn’t change that the room is empty now.

If I am alone and there are no nails biting into my back and the weight of them drags me down and it’s just my own mind

Am I even allowed to love myself?

Am I even supposed to?

Because the me who I am isn’t

What people seem to want.

Yes I did have a good time.

As soon as I got back and put on the headphones

The week was playing back

Do you understand?

Either Spotify is listening or my phone is listening or something happened to make it all those songs

Every word that came out

Every song I queued in my mind somehow

I don’t know

Michael Buble would not leave me the fuck alone.

Who the fuck does Michael Buble think he is anyways?

First he’s there and then he’s there and then oh here’s a concert and there he is some more I have no idea he was fucking everywhere

Christ almighty he was everywhere

Christmas is so pretty though

But we saw it

Those who had not

Having not

I wish I could just give houses away to people.

Build houses

And give them to people

So that they would never have to be hidden in doorways

Covered in layers of umbrella tarp tent sleeping bag

Blanket

Blanket

Blanket

It was so fucking cold what about them?

In the harm that events like this cause

You see

Of course you don’t see but I wish someone did

Because I miss him

Can’t I just see him?

One time?

Please?

So I can keep going so I can keep finding someone to talk to can’t I just

I need it

I need it so badly I can’t imagine needing anything else more than I need this

The only thing on earth I can’t run away from

My story

Did you hear him?

He said

So you have questions

Yes.

I have a lot of fucking questions dip shit mcgee so let’s start with this

Let’s see how we’ll land on the lands but just this

Is he alive?

Is it disappointment with which the boat takes off from the pier knowing it happened but not the way the heart wanted?

And how does the heart keep wishing silently in the darkness where the light never reaches, shut away from the world that does not give?

It takes, it only takes.

Setting away from the city that calls, that calls, that will always call.

Does it kiss the shelf that leans against it, missing the island that travels seaward.

Flowing out into the distance, ocean tides swallowing and spitting the spray of the water in the silent home.

It was so easy to not be where being together could have been.

The gull races the ship.

The sun races the horizon.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

That you weren’t there, doesn’t mean you weren’t everywhere.

Romeo and Juliet.

The theme of the weekend.

Not a prince showed, not a mage breathed.

Alone.

Returning to the solitary lonesome existence.

Was it all to say this week?

All of it, the build up the falling down and nothing like an anticlimactic sinkhole of sand slowly

Wasting

Down

Goodbye goodbye

It has been 10,151 days, my love.

Without you yesterday, today, tomorrow. Without you. What a life without you.

I wish only for the poison upon my lips, and the blade between my ribs.

Where were you?

Where were you when I was being called a “fat bitch cow” and other various versions of it on the bus?

Where were you when I tried to defend myself and the entire bus of people just wanted me

To shut up while he cursed me under his breath.

Where were you?

Do you know why I’m mad at you?

Because I can do it alone but I keep asking for help for that moment when the demon comes up behind me

Covers my face with a sack and I can’t breathe

For the moment when I feel like

If no one else wants to help me

I must not be worth it.

Where were you?

Where the fuck

Where are you?

No,

Not him.

I know where abouts he

Is

I want you

Where are you?!

Where the fuck are you?!

Please…

Just tell me so I can stop looking.

At least if I knew where you are,

I could know you’re never looking for me.

I could know from where you don’t look for me.

I could know I’m not worth it.

I could know just how not worth it I am.

You

You’re late

I wish you were here

I miss you

Where are you

I keep thinking

In this moment could I meet you

I keep thinking

Could the next moment be the right moment

Today I made eye contact with Shoma Uno.

You don’t know what that means to me.

I wish someday you would know what eye contact means to me but I

I wonder if you’re alive

I wonder if you can hear me calling I wonder if you feel the moment of truth

I wonder if you’re even here

I wonder if you meet me in the dark like I reach for you in the dark like I scream at you in the dark.

I wonder if you

I’m so mad at you

Is there a way to make it so you never see any of the bad in me and only the me that loves you so the me who wants to be near you the me who

Please don’t hesitate to say anything to me.

Because I will hesitate.

I always…

I need you in my life more than you will ever understand.

I need you now.

A quarter to one.

And I need you.

Now.