Elucidating Questions

It’s like they think I just roll over and go back to bed when I call in

That happened on Thursday because my heart was flying

Going fast for no reason

God damned Sonic the Hedgehog heart

But I have to stay up and deal with handydart

It’s not like I call in and strap in for a nice relaxing morning

I feel so sick

And I hate this

I’ve been screaming at myself to just get better all weekend and this is what I get

Where does this ability to not be sick come from?

I’m assuming all people wake up in the morning, do their entire morning routine, and then pass out again just like me?

No of course you don’t

I always feel like I have the flu

That awful slightly out of body

Full body ache

Slightly confused by everything

Easily overwhelmed

I’ve got the flu feeling

And it’s funny, because you’d think I would get used to it like I have most of the pain

I’m fine with the normal amount of pain

But this?

Somehow it just amps up again

I don’t know if I tolerate it in waves, or if it gets better and then worse, or if I tolerate it and it just gets worse in response

This is the feeling I want everyone else to have to live with

Every person who has told me I’m making it up or over exaggerating

Just feel this

I don’t know how I’m going to clean my kitchen for my landlord coming down

I don’t know what I’m going to do

I somehow have to be well enough for today’s shift

Somehow

God help me

I wish I had never gotten the first chronic illness, but the second put a nail in my coffin I will never get out

Decided to get trapped in hell for a moment

My life has been fucked

My neck hurts

I don’t know why

It started on Wednesday

Someone save me?

I don’t want to be saved but it’s what I need

Everyone keeps waiting for me to save myself

Just fight the illness and get better and stand on my own two feet again

Yeah, right

I’ll get on that

I’m definitely just not trying hard enough

If people could only experience the leaden feeling in my limbs

The way my brain struggles with sounds and input

I just don’t know where I’m supposed to get help from I’m too good at pissing people off

So this is my life?

I get to live half alive?

I should really just hate everyone

Very nearly conservative provincial government

I’m fucked either way but there’s nothing like the test election before the actually important election showing your entire province has decided to leave you in the dust

They would probably cut PWD if they could

I’ve given up

These people wouldn’t know a problem if it sat on their lap and slapped them across the face

No, no, you’re absolutely right the biggest problem in this economy of the growing poverty class and rich getting richer is absolutely trans people you sorry fucking idiots

I just give up

I just want to lie in bed until I die

I want to be one of the pretty people for a day

Now I’m not one of those people who think

No one likes me because I’m ugly

But people, I have observed, gravitate towards pretty people

Lift them up on pedestals they can’t live up to but somehow don’t have to because they’re pretty

Being ugly hasn’t exactly served me well

And I carelessly exist

So people think when bad things happen I wanted them that way

Or I was planning it

Never have so much as a plan for myself in my head

Wait,

It said

They said

I suppose they need to materialise it

But no one really wants me as the face of anything

People think I’m pleasant and that’s all there is to me

Nevermind this fifth dimension inside me that threatens to spill out

I’m either just a nice person who everyone forgets or I’m some mastermind who orchestrated something or another

It’s hard to explain to people that I’m not thoughtless I’m just devoid of the thoughts I had previously

They’re gone

Stuff I did?

Gone

And I never have I’ll intentions and yet they always seem to overlap and become one big ill intention in the eye of others

It’s not that I’m too simple to have a plan it’s that I made it and then lost it somewhere in here

There is a small part of me that thinks if I was pretty I wouldn’t get in trouble so often

That people might assume the best instead of the worst

And I’m still caught up on things that almost happened a decade ago and I bet I’m nothing but an unwelcome reminder every once in a while to them

Stuck on those three or four years where everything just went to shit

It was like oh my god I’m so glad you got to go to Japan get ready for hell!

People insist I made it this way

But it’s not like any of the people I’ve ever met are blowing up my inbox

It’s empty

I don’t know how to feel or think about how to one ever calls out to me

That one girl, bless her wonderful soul, I hope she’s doing well

I didn’t get to meet her much but she did

声をかける

My soul yearns for that again

Being noticed

I know my novelty quickly faded and no one really took interest

But I felt seen there

No I can’t remember names

I can’t remember names from last year let alone years ago

If I was prettier would I be living a different life?

Would someone have trained my voice and taken notice that I just want to be on stage?

It’s too late now

I’d need Gaga wealth to survive my life and be a singer now

It’s funny Arcturus was out for all of them minutes

I said goodbye and then the clouds came

Funny timing

Like he just came out for that

Maybe I feel noticed by the stars and the Sun because I don’t feel noticed by people?

Even when animals notice me I get surprised for a moment

I want to live in a place where people notice eachother

With respect

Where we honour eachother

I wish beauty didn’t exist

I wish that we sought out connection because other people fascinated us like they used to fascinate me

But not for their looks

That things about them fascinated others

Maybe I’m just a rock in a sea of crystals

Maybe I am just white rice

Hermes stop playing with that damned thing and come bother me

Give me the energy to keep facing tomorrows where no one notices me

Now the rain is falling again

This weather is as fickle as the human eye

I never thought about it growing up

Seeing money flying from my parents’ hands

It seemed like that was just the way things were

I hadn’t been taught to question yet

But as I sit here paying precious funds because I’m hungry damn it

It just feels so twisted and wrong that food, a necessity of life, costs money

If you can find it, water is free, but we’ll just let you starve otherwise?

And the whole soup kitchen whatever is great but I’m a disabled person hungry, outside the city core, at 7pm.

There isn’t magically some place I can get to, to feed myself

They expect all the homeless hungry people to gather around the services, which are almost always available downtown, and then they cry about there being a bunch of homeless people downtown

Make it make sense

It doesn’t

I came into this world so fascinated by other people

Foolishly careless

Airheaded

I don’t have much going for me

But I really did think people were fascinating

Now I wonder if I want to get to know these people who submit to a system that creates a problem and then complain about that problem

It’s written in the fine print, did you not read that part?

And it was always great for rich people they just get richer

Their treasures and riches increasing in value over time

The peasants with nothing wonder why bread is $6 while Mr Rich exists in his mansion that has appreciated in value by hundreds of thousands

Whose stocks pay for everything

Just pump all the money into a system designed to pursue all profit at any expense

Children being baked alive in walk in ovens

Except it wasn’t the witch in her candy house

It was Wal-Mart

How far do we let this go? 諸君?

Wow that word translates horribly and we as English speakers should be ashamed

That is a genderless address

Anyways

Couldn’t translate it though because English is all like ladies and gentlemen boys and girls

Eh. It’s more like “all you”.

You see why I go for the Japanese sometimes

Everyone just needs to learn every language, myself included, and then we’ll make a universal language from that or something

Sometimes words don’t work

Anyways, and I mean it this time

Why did we accept a system where food, water, and shelter are not guaranteed?

Dear middle class: what is wrong with you?

Going along with all this shit, dragging poor people along

Getting thoroughly destroyed by your favourites

But it’s definitely poor people that have been a scourge on this planet

And not all of you rolling over to appease your masters for decades

It’s all broken

No, it’s all working as intended

But no one seems to care about that

And obviously I’ve thought food should be free before this day where I was just hungry

Where you eat five starbursts you have left because you’re nauseous from hunger

I believe my words were

Let’s eat these so I can trick my stomach into thinking I ate something, that’ll be good for me

I wish I could just fill my own needs

No consuming anything

Just be

The unfairness of life is that we consume

But why did we make that unfairness ten times, perhaps a hundred times, worse?

There is food all around us

Bag upon bag of food that didn’t get eaten in time

There is so much we are throwing out the excess

So much just rotting in garbage dumps

Well

My food’s here and I’m hungry

Food shouldn’t be a fight in a world where we throw it away

Almost missed today

But I have to write something or I’ll be disappointed later

I only managed to stop my heart rate from spiking above 110 when I stand up about halfway through the day

I feel weak and defeated

I wish I could summon the power to just be well

Just do it, like people keep telling me to

This probably isn’t going to be very long

I’m exhausted having done nothing today

Barely lifting my head to play games most of the day

At least I got back to the point that I can play games to make the hours go by

Not just lying there begging to either be asleep or awake

Pick a lane body

Barely conscious

Just conscious enough to hear my brain playing the top fifty thoughts that will upset me

Rushing at miles an hours because my mind is awake

And my body is not

And they act like I enjoy this

Like I’m missing days at work for some kind of vacation I’m on

Pain isn’t even the problem this time

It’s my literal heart

I’m not making this up, I have Fitbit heartrate data to prove it

I’ve had multiple people working with ECG machines tell me they’re accurate 98% of the time or some other ridiculous number you wouldn’t except from a fucking watch

People told me I was right to go to the doctor after noticing the high rates on my Fitbit to begin with

I keep mine updated because I need the heart rate monitor

No one considers how fucked it is that I just sit here alone watching it going up terrified that this will be the time it fucking breaks for real

Knowing I’ll just die and no one will notice for weeks

What that does to my head?

But, no, I had a relaxing day off

I’m sure anyone watching would think so

It’s so wrong that there are humans on this Earth dying all alone

That I’m not the only one going through this right now

Not alone in being alone

Heh

Gross

Nah that’s it.

I don’t have anything else in me right now

The situation I’m in is unacceptable

But there are so many people, animals, creatures, in unacceptable situations right now

The Rain begins to fall

Maybe she cries for the fact that I know my death will be meaningless

That I’ve come to fear it as much as living

I’m frightened that I’m just going to drop

I feel like this?

Where I can barely lift my head up properly without my heart thundering in my chest

I’m afraid

And I’m scattered and easily confused

Desperately trying to fill the silence with something

That this will have been my life

Spent lying on the couch suffering

But no one will take me seriously until I die anyways

Not anyone that can do something about my fate

What my body is doing to me

I’m trapped inside

Things I used to do without thinking have become impossible or dangerous for me to do

And I’m alone

I don’t have a clan

So begrudge me trying to make this bearable

Things just never quite align how I was hoping

And now I’ve missed another day at work

I’m worse off for it because that’s my pay cheque

But they don’t see that they just see that I failed them again

Failure number 1 here

Sometimes it feels like the Universe is closing in on me

Like I just can’t breathe anymore

I don’t know how or where I’d even begin to get the help I need

Yeah I do

Just sit here worrying about when I’ll die

Once my mind is done beating up on me for everything else

It taunts me with my mortality

And the hopelessness that is my life

Hell adjacent

I’m not about to claim I’m in hell when there’s literal hell on Earth occuring on the other side of the planet

I’m not so blind with my own woe to believe I am the only person or person suffering the most.

I sit in peace besides my body at the backdoor

Heart is finally sitting below 100 when I’m sitting here

So many hells to be had

When we could have cooperated

Humans are their own worst enemies

I sit in a hell of my own body’s making wondering why you’re all doing that to eachother

I don’t know how to fix my hell

But I do know that being nice to eachother makes it a lot easier to deal with

I’m at a loss

I need hours

But I’m too sick to even make the hours I’m scheduled for because I’m so stressed that it’s making me sick

Because I don’t have hours

And it’s been months

And the situation at work just gets worse

And I don’t want to fail them

Like I’m not deliberately calling in sick to harm them

If I could choose to feel better I would

And I was fine today until that ambulance went by and then I was just fucked

My heart rate has been no lower than 98 and as high as 135 sitting down

And if I’ve got it down at 98 standing up sends it back up to 125

What even is that?

Like fuck maybe people do just die of hearing loud noises?

I cannot express how dismayed and upset I am right now

Needing to call in sick the week after I’ve been told not to call in sick anymore

I’m not sure what’s not valid about “I’m afraid my heart is going to explode”

But I’m sure I’ll find out tomorrow morning

I have to call tomorrow morning too

I’ll never know why typing is easy

Well, I do use swipe fairly often these days

I’m so terrified of my heart

Being what this disease decides is going to kill me

I know if I don’t kill me it will

It’s creeping in slowly

Each time I go down I get back up a little less easily

Physically

Mentally I’m still here and kicking most of the time

But physically I’m losing

I’m losing and I’m terrified

If I had any control over my life

I’d find someone who can support me and stop working and just never get married or move in together because disabled people can’t get married without losing their benefits

And we’d just do stuff together

And then I wouldn’t be alone and buying things to fill the silence

Foolish

Ever the fool

I’m not a bad person

I’m a reckless person

Because I’m going insane with boredom

I just want to see that number go below 95

There, it did, for a second

I’m not dying right?

Please don’t turn me into another statistic of deaths caused by corporate greed

I just want to be healthy

What does that even mean, I wonder?

Something far off and unattainable

Another night in bed by 9

I’m so exhausted

I just want to go back to being able to work full time