Elucidating Questions

You couldn’t believe

I can’t even comprehend

Why my mind does these things

I wish I could just but you’re so far away

I’m afraid to love them

I thought I could but they bite too hard

I haven’t had any chances that faded

But I know I don’t know what’s real

And what’s not

Even though it’s so

I think of it and I want him

Something something something

Somehow

I’d rather be with him

The asshole

What is wrong with me?

Just talking to the rain.

Somewhere far away calls but I don’t know how to answer

Because the words change with time

The lightning is striking

I try to match the words to a voice

When all my steps in faith betrayed me

But even now I’m walking

And I don’t know what the reason for any of the naturally even and parallel occurences.

In pieces

I wonder if you even think of me

Because being told you’ll be got back to

Never happens

Still I’m trapped here

There’s no sensible reason why

I cannot find one

I tried

I tried

I tried

And I’m tired and I wish I hadn’t tried

What is the world here for if this is it why does this all have to happen

Why isn’t there a way to change it

Just for one moment so I could see that things could be right

I have to come up with a way to make living through the night worth it

But there’s no chance

Live continues wordlessly in agony and there’s no where to make it right

It doesn’t matter what I do where I go what I say if I sing if I dance if I cry

If I cut myself

Try to bleed myself dry

I

Don’t want to be here

I don’t want to live the life I’m living I never wanted to live the life I was living and being alive just

Happens because I’m not dead yet

I’m still waiting

I still wish I hadn’t woken up

We’re just

Not

Compatible

He says sitting across from me with a sheet so white I wonder what he could possibly have written there

Just not compatible

He repeats I say

I do not understand officer

Can anyone tell me how I’m supposed to know what I’m looking for when I’ve never

Been in a relationship that felt right even for a second my entire life?

Never

Because the ones I was in were never what I needed in the moment

Nothing ever goes quite right

They ruin everything

I want somewhere where things just go right for once

That’s it

How hard is this for reality to grasp?

Over here we’ve got beasts of excess

And over here we have those who fight for their lives like animals

And it’s their faults more than ours but it’s our faults too and being unable

I’m sorry

Unwilling thus unable

To do anything

Just makes it worse

But you knew that

That’s why this happened.

Because it’s fun to watch and you’re a sick fuck who thinks tricking me with moments that lead to nothing over and over and over again

Is fun to watch

You only love me in the way a sick psychopath loves the image he created of his trapped victim “behaving”

And you make me think like you because if I don’t I can’t handle it

I can’t handle knowing every day I lead my

Absolutely miserable life

That because I am living this life I don’t even fucking want to live

People are dying or will die or have died

Every single fucking day I’m alive someone has to die for me to be here and I can’t stand it

So I hide away in this human desire but all it desires is love and affection and

Maybe it’s because I’m like you

Maybe it’s because we’re “alike” maybe it’s because I believed

Somewhere

That something would

Somehow

Make things better

Maybe that’s why they don’t love me

I don’t know what real life is anymore

But I wish I could give up my spot for someone else who deserves better but

Then probably they’d suffer their entire lives and death was the kindness I stole from them

So maybe we’re just making damn sure that all those who are good don’t have to live another day in this hell

I’m not dead yet

So I must not be good

And really wish I could just stop

Quit

Give up

But when have I ever managed to give up?

If I could just let go

But I’m awake still so we know how that goes now

Don’t we?

Maybe if I had someone lying with me I think

But there’s no one not even a sign of someone

I was just thinking of you

At coworker

Guy and his dog:

I thought you were talking to me

Maybe if you tried harder not to make conversations that look a lot like the whole

Guy and dog

Thing

Or

Crows

Or

Oh it just goes and goes and goes

Don’t mind me.

Mind me minding me, however, because minding myself was never part of the plan

I’ve been alone so long with myself in my head

It’s always been like this too I just never said anything outloud

And even now

What it isn’t is out or loud

Not a whisper not a breath

Not a sound no clever understanding

Of any kind

Just silence from all sides like

This?

And the canons go and I go then the world goes

Boom boom boom

It’s doing that thing where it’s calling but I could just ignore it because I don’t want to hear what 2018 sounded like

Too many thoughts in my head I just wanted to say that I

Bet my life on you

And I lost and

I wish I was dead

I’ll wrap it up

Separate

Keep all out out

In can leave and never come back

Hidden in the wrapping paper unseen, heard, or felt.

Digging down into the crevice between the creaking stones down until there is nothing to burn

Once it ignites will the flames consume everything? Or will the ocean find her way in.

I wish it would. I wish it would.

Is that a poem?

What’s a poem?

Are you a poem?

Have you ever tried to be a Poe

Poem

Poe

Uproarious laughter

I don’t know why

Anyways

I found safe songs

They’re hiding

I just have to be very specific

And know they have short lifespans

What the fuck just landed

My boys

Hi boys.

Why do you all sleep during the summer?

Is it seriously

That’s simple?

I am blaming it on Jesus

Why the fuck shouldn’t I?

You gonna be a martyr?

Fucking fix something first.

I’m immune this one time because I’m high enough that I can go all over

No lover

There’s no lover

I don’t want to play this game again

I’m done exhaustedly picking soulmates or ones for people

Like figure your own shit out or go back to sleep

This song I like

But she got a taste of my medicine

I wonder if she knows?

In the dark

In the park

Spin round in the park

Well then

First it comes on quiet

First it comes in

First it comes on

First it comes

It

First it

Did you hear that?

Did you see that?

Did you notice that?

Bang

Crash

He’s mad at me

He’s mad at me and I can’t fix it he scares me

At least he doesn’t touch me anymore

He’s banging things and not talking to me and yelling loudly beside my head like I’m not there

He’s

Did you see what daddy dear got?

I don’t want it

$100

The front of the card said daughter

Child

And he’s the only one who got it right

But

If you don’t call him now you’ll be the bad guy

He tells me things like how my name was after an affair

He’s paranoid

But there was a guy named Ashleigh

But he tells me things like

I’m so sick and it’s all because of

Brothers

Mother

Money

Why can’t you fix it?

Because I’m worthless

You’re worth at least $100

One hundred dollars isn’t going to make all the pain go away

He never talks about his life only other people who’ve ruined his life

My mind goes

You may be over reacting

My mind goes

Maybe he’s just like that and due to your mental health state

Province

Location

Where is my mental health?

Like in my brain?

Like inside me?

My mental health

Not how I pretend it is with others?

I don’t know

I lost it right around

If I did have a The One

He

They

Would be

On a different planet

In a different solar system

In a different time

Calling out for me

Where he’s already gone

And all I have is the echo