Elucidating Questions

Lying in bed

Wishing the world would melt

Lying in bed

Trying to imagine the pressure pain is pressure love

Trying to imagine his arms around me

Trying to imagine safe and at home

Trying to scream in my mind that I know it’s not real

Mind dancing away because it’s sad

I’ve loved

But you aren’t here

Hawk just flew into a tree

A Red Hawk just flew into a tree

Why did that automatically capitalise?

I’m afraid of what wants to keep me here

Because if I have to stay I’ll never see you tonight

Or ever

Everything’s so wrong

Scratch scratch

He’s a cat

What do you want me to say, asshole?

That’s your new nickname we decided on it

You don’t get mage.

He does.

Imagine that

Imaginary boy wins

If I could just see you

But I don’t want to be alone

Why do you think he came?

Enter the park.

It feels like night today.

Why won’t they leave me alone?

This is my kingdom come

When I begged for it never to

The demon inside is someone I love idiot

Before you

Odd eh?

This came on yesterday and I was wrapped into your arms but it’s such a short song it’s always gone before I want it to

Don’t get too close

I love you please hold on

You were him for a second

Because in searching for him I found these pieces everywhere and I

I wish I hadn’t woken up

I wish I hadn’t woken up

Hermes is whispering but I don’t want to talk to him

They tricked me love

They tricked me I wanted to go to you

Fate is a fucking bitch

Fate is a fucking fucking fucking bitch

One two three follow me

Monsters who keep me from happiness

I wish I’d died in my sleep

I told you the longer it went on the worse it would get

So it goes

On and on and on and on

Lalala I can’t hear you over the

Sound of my tears

In years of years

Don’t fucking tell me this isn’t what it looks like

Or

Try to understand

Or

Sometimes goodbye is a second

Fuck you

Fuck you

Never run out of second chances

Fuck you

Don’t take him away and replace him with

SIGH

WHO’LL BE MY MONTI

FUCK YOU

Don’t take him away and replace him with

In every heart there is a

Lie.

Lie.

Lie.

Lie.

Lie.

Fuck you for putting

~the way your words hang in the moment suspended when~

Fuck you

Suspended

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA

FUCK

YOU

And how fucking could you

How could you?

How could you put

That song after it

How could you?

How could you let this happen?

How could you do this to me?

How could you be so cruel?

How is this how it goes?

How is this how it goes?

How could you let him do this to me?

The narrator is so mean

Whoever is making this all happen

Is so mean

And then I say

I want to live on this planet alone

And along comes a list of all the people who are wonderful and

Guilt

I fucking know okay?

I don’t want anything bad to happen.

Twenty seven

And twenty three

Are the same number

If seven got smashed in the stomach and three is a picture of it being pushed back by the blow.

You didn’t have to tell me about the fucking tsunami there was water everywhere

For weeks

Fuck off

So C-

Fuck off.

Dad had a backdoor to the company he left me just incase the evil that was never spoken of came back and tried to kill me and he had to break in the secret back way to take the company back from the evil I accidentally let in

Dreams are

So much fucking better than reality

Don’t fucking try me on that one.

Life is not worth living.

Dreams are all I live for.

They’re all I lived for before I discovered ★Optimism★™

And they will be here long after you’re

And he keeps making these little slips like

Oh look at me I’m depressed

Let me bring up my ★Legacy★™ and about how I’m going to be gone

Again and again

Covert depressed mode engage

Here’s twenty pictures of my dogs instead of me

Oh no I should be worried again

And nice to him because I may

★Hurt His Feelings★™

Meanwhile in Hell

When I die

Can I just dream forever so that I never have to live through this again?

Can I die tomorrow?

Please.

I’m so tired.

I can’t fix it and I’m so tired.

But everything was supposed to be about

Shut the fuck up

You said no

Now it’s about whatever the fuck I feel like

Every single word that came out of my mouth was coerced by ★optimism★™

Don’t ever fucking bother with me

I’m worthless and useless and I’ll stay with my god damn dream man because no one here exists

They’re all just fucking copies of one another

And no one here bothers

And no one here cares

And I’m fucking done giving away parts of myself in hopes that someone will love me

No

I write because if I don’t

Dorian’s a slut

Fucking relevant graffiti

I can’t do it

Write in silence for silence returned

Fuck it

The music is getting awful again

As it always does

Thanks for fucking ruining my morning Trench

At least someone loves me even if it’s a fucking figment of my god damn sleeping imagination

★Optimism★™

Shit happens

Grumbling whispering muttering

Fucking alarm took away my chance to see you before I had to wake up

But I was fucking looking for you

Which is funny because I’m fairly sure I have little control

But I found you for a moment

Always you get so salty

Don’t be mad at me or whatever for what I do during the day it’s not real.

This is just an unwelcome interruption to when I can see and feel you

Fuck off Trench this isn’t about you

I’m deleting all of his songs one by one again because I don’t feel like putting in the effort to erase him

But every time he comes on I want to break stuff.

I miss you beautiful man

Haven’t I told you over and over that it doesn’t matter what you look like I’ll find you?

The only consolation is that if I stay I can dream of you

But fuck reality

Fuck it

The in-between.

Whatever the purpose of this bullshit is.

At least I can see you for seconds sometimes.

What a fucking disappointment life is.

I miss you.

Dear, my beautiful,

My baby my love my one my only

No.

You don’t need rings to be beautiful.

You don’t need rings to call in syrup and honey

You don’t need rings

To

Yes

There is the same delicious part of me that will wear your ring for my entire life

So at least in my existence

I will never have to worry that the rings will fall off because we both know even

Even the worst that could happen couldn’t make me love you any less so

The sun’s crying again

Is he crying from laughter or sadness?

Why is it always the same with him

Like somehow I’ve done something that struck him straight through the heart

Like I’m to blame for having no idea what he wants

No

I can’t see him he’s over there so why

Worry

Why do we worry at all

Or

Don’t panic

Whatever

I still get songs stuck in my head I just can’t listen to music

Music makes me want to kill myself

All music makes me want to kill myself

So whatever the sun

I say good morning I say goodnight I say I love you I say I care I saw blah blah blah bullshit about how important you are to me

Your fucking

Music

Makes me want to kill myself.

So hang up you’re done.

Flinch.

lol

Everything is soooooo funny.

Nothing is worse than knowing that no matter what I do everything is just

Going to be the same all over the planet

Like I know the whole who’s to say what’s better or worse bullshit

Do you think they ever realised the answer was

The people who are fucking dying?

The people who are starving?

The people who are suffering?

Like

I don’t know I’m just a ★Crazy★™ person.

Do you know how hard it is to know that there are millions of people suffering and dying every day and there is not one spec of a thing not one specific thing

I can do to help?

How many times does the day have to end without knowing if I managed for one fucking day

To make something better

Anything.

The worst thing is that it applies to literally everything

Though

Conscious

Unconscious

It’s all just the same day

Same shit different day

It’s the same fucking day just get rid of the bullshit

It’s the same day.

If I could spend the rest of my life on you I would.

If I could spend eternity with you by my side I wouldn’t complain

Neptune has rings and I love Neptune because of the connection to the ocean you silly fruit

You’re a paopu fruit silly.

Uranus has or had or something rings and I spend all day yelling at hime.

I scream at myself

Except accidentally the sky sorry mate.

Love you.

The moon got it so quick like

I don’t know somewhere near

Oh fuck what gender is Uranus and under

Not listening to “IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER THEY DON’T CARE IT’S A CULTURAL THING THEY GET IT”

Or perhaps around the point of what point?

At least I feel less ill than she does

I feel more sick though

I had to take over early and she really wants to be there but I cannot let this entire gender thing just go

Like

Whatever

They get it

How do we explain how fucked up heads get without really explaining how fucked up heads are in general?

Saturn I love you.

Don’t be stupid. Don’t be absurd.

Impossible

You get it

Max does need to relax he looks stressed as fuck too bad I’m just a fan who cannot possibly feel any genuine connections

Why on earth would you just show up to anyone’s house?

I was raised to think that is a strange thing to do.

Holy fuck.

I don’t understand.

~dontdoittofamouspeople~

No

Just don’t do it

Don’t do anything

Have you seen people?

No.

Just better to stay away and watch quietly.

I love you because even though you know I can’t control the bouncing going out into nothing crap

You wait

Patiently

Pointed look in the direction of Running Man

I know you’re more patient than me

I love you

I have the patience of a satellite.

I guess we all do.

I guess we all thought that at some point or another

That’s not even music you god damn

Sometimes

Crates and space and lobotomies

I don’t know.

Sigh

It’s almost been a year since I was born on Saturn.

Holy shit it’ll be a very merry unbirthday

We have to do something if I’m still alive it’s fucking hilarious.

Saturn I love you

What do you expect

I always

Even that part that bites when I say that only does that because I’m so fucking angry that I’m saying this to a planet and not a person who I can hold and see.

Saturn it’s been a year that felt like a year

I’m almost a year old.

That’s just funny to me.

No, you’re right.

Humans don’t live very long at all.

I wish I could slow down.

I love you because.

There’s no reason.

There never was.

I need you to be a buffer between me and my pain

I said matter-of-factly and you said

What the fuck?

And he said

Yeah makes perfect sense

And I said I know but they don’t know

How endorphins work

Sex is a literal fucking pain killer

Like

Fuck me it is the best fucking painkiller

Hahaha

Three laughing hags.

Had I fucking known that

I would be this sick

I would have fucking given up this anime bullshit and been a class five fucking slut

Fuck

This sucks.

This really sucks.

Do you remember when we walked around all of downtown talking about wonders and shit

How much I love him and why he matters so much and I had this

This feeling like everything was going to be okay and

Hedley was coming and they were always awesome and I thought I’d just written this like

Really lovely thing about how much I loved people but then it sounded like it got preachy and I don’t really remember when or why

And fuck

Everything is so fucked

Is that it?

Like we get one and then

You take it away?

I just really wanted to go to Hedley with him.

But when I asked him I thought he’ll never see it.

Like

Ever

Who the fuck am I?

But I was feeling all optimistic for some stupid fucking reason

I’ll try real hard

And be super kiss ass

And quote his lyrics at him I’ll be an

★ORIGINAL★™

Now it’s a quirk and I can’t stop.

Do you remember why my brain was so fucked?

Cause I don’t
And I tried to pour every second of it into like

~positive energy of hope and hope and wonder~

Sigh

Very controversial

I thought it would be cool

I didn’t realise when I did it that it was something literally no one had ever done or that no one would ever say yes to something that looks like me

Or that I’m invisible.

But I thought maybe

My god the panic

It’s that other thing now

Old memory

I don’t remember the thoughts

The feelings are clearer when I don’t muddy them with how I feel now

So fuuuuucking optimistic.

Cognitive something or other

Retrieval during conversion during low energy mode while pondering.

That’s what I’ve got of it so far anyways.

What a fucking failure this entire…

Whatever it was

Epic fucking mistake

Thinking I was ever good enough for him

What a joke I was

Fuck

Christ

What a fucking joke I was.

lol

No.

Fucking Mars and Saturn and Loki and

Hey bitches it’s a fantasy

lol someone just messaged me on tinder

GTG

But like

If I go

And I just forget this all happened or you know

“Forget” like I forget that I was molested or that I was emotionally abused or that I have crippling anxiety or that I’ve cried almost daily for this entire year or that I thought for some fucking reason that I had as much effect on the world as it has on me for one fucking second of my life

Does it just like

Cease to exist?

Did I die for a year and get reborn a year later with no sense of trust and no sense of what love was supposed to be and no sense of belonging and no sense of direction and just entirely fucking

Where I was

But feeling like I’ve walked

For miles and it’s in my spine and

I might never be the same again because tick

Tock

No one

No one ever called me

And sometimes maybe

Means never.