Elucidating Questions

Oh no

It’s back

The twitch

Pluto is louder during the new years

Solar

Lunar

She’s loud

Because time is on everyone’s minds

You’re ruining my metaphor stop Pluto is time

I don’t know why

Shut up

I’m mostly immune

I have no connection to anything

This is like giving up everything at once all at once

But not

Putting it in pause so I’m older and wiser when it comes back and it’ll be like

AHH Oh right that trauma I blocked out x number of years ago that happened

Silly me

Good thing it happened a long time ago and can’t change it

Wouldn’t that be loverly

Loverly

Toogeda toodawy

The earth show man has the same speech pattern as the bride princess bride movie

This stupid background music sounds like Everywhere

P

I’m just explaining

I am so tired.

The next little while will be difficult

I was so sure

I don’t know why I was so sure

I don’t remember what led to it started it why

Time’s up

Hit my head so squarely why it felt like

Now or never

Why it felt like I wasn’t the only one that I was behind that everyone knew and I was slow

Like

Someone was waiting for something

Who what when where why

I don’t know why

If only I could wake up and have it be then I would try to get a start early I’d leave him out of it because I still worry I hurt him

Even when I’m doing things that would hurt him

I wish I could make his life better by never having been in it

I

Don’t know what tomorrow could possibly be good for or the next or the day after

And I’m still invisible

No one ever

I don’t know how I’m supposed to go from here everyone is slowly disappearing

First it was Piche

Then it was Amber

Now it’s Lewis

Without them what is the point of my last name it doesn’t have any meaning without them

They won’t meet up I know how things go

You go and never say

Hello

Again

Goodbye all the people who used to exist

Now they exist elsewhere

I was so certain

So certain that everything was going to be right

Why?

Why?

And the pain was ignore-able

And I felt

Happy and safe and I felt paranoid as hell

But I had good reason

I still don’t understand what she meant by password

I don’t understand what was happening

What happened

I don’t understand

I thought we were going to finished this year hand in hand

Knowing we’d at least tried to start something right

At least we’d tried

Regardless of what comes

Just a glance at eachother and at least that moment would exist

And we would be together

I thought

I thought you’d have rung by now

I thought you’d have called around

I thought you’d have come round

I thought you’d have seen me

I just wanted to be seen

Really seen

By someone this year

And the person who got closest is up island on a ferry living his dream wishing I’d never message him again

And the person I wanted to see me is on the other side of the fault line

If he knows I exist he is trying to break me. He’s trying to drive me insane. He’s trying to hurt me and I don’t know why.

Or

I’m invisible

And I don’t know how it happened

I wish I hadn’t lived to see the day I was twenty seven

Now it looks like I’m going to be forced to see the day I’m twenty eight years old

I wish I didn’t have to

I wish this year had never happened

I don’t know what to say

Back to day one and not a moment goes by when I don’t want

Don’t want to wonder why he’s still not here

Doesn’t even acknowledge my existence

It would almost be easier for him to hate me

At least I’d be seen

It would almost be easier for him to turn them on me

At least I’d know I’m real

One year later and there is an irony

After all I’m sick again

Just like I was sick last year

The year before

Next year what happens happens but he never called

He never came

Never

Oh you poor thing as time exists I know there is a me about to begin

This horrid trap of a year

At least his year was better than mine

At least he got to do something

At least he got to go places

Even though I

Wish I could look back on this year as a positive

I have somewhere that is a home

If only he’d seen me and liked what he saw

But it’s over now

One more short chapter of nothing to enter in to the

Searching for a family the family disappeared as the friends went farther away and everything I reached for

Was out of reach so

What was the point of this eternity of pain and sadness and loneliness and I know it won’t get better

It doesn’t get better

They always say it gets better

But Jake is still in jail

No but he may as well be

Josh still acts like I don’t exist when all I needed was a friend

Even though I loved him

He ignored me

So why does all this exist when I can’t do anything and they don’t want me?

What was the point?

Someone’s going to yell

Happy New Year

But what are the chances?

What are the chances?

It’s the day of the sun that I hid away from

Nothing feels right

But do I bid him goodnight when

Well goodnight sun

I’m ill and I could have prevented it but time keeps slipping

And every moment feels like an eternity but then time has gone by without my knowledge

Such strange places to be where time flies and stands still in the same constant moment

Today tomorrow two days from now it’s as if I’m trapped in this void of

Concealing how sick I am and then spending every day not working as if I’m unable to get up

But I can’t

If only there was a way to break this cycle

Instead I lie here with nothing to fight with and I wonder

Where are you?

My tongue feels too large stuck in my throat

It’s just so easy

Like I’m never even here and I wonder when

I wonder if he saw it

Way back then but it wasn’t like

No I understand

So low

If that’s an unforgivable thing to have done perhaps I’m always going to be the wrong one

Pretty as a painting

Said the prince

Needs more words

Needs better words

Don’t because it hurts and I don’t want to

I just appeared out of nowhere and then said everything and nothing

I guess it just never was enough or good enough

Or

I have a fever.

I’ll never be able to be as good as them in his eye and it hurts me

Breaks me, I

…

Famous poets….

Certainly not I so far from me and yet I see do you see what I see?

He’s an asshole

I swear he is

Just…

Just look at him

It’s like I’m not even here.

Hey rock boy nice face.

You are what you are and I can’t fault you for being as you are

And I wish there was a way to reach into the earth and find what I’m looking for

Because there’s a neverending tremor

And I know where you are because you’re very easy to track

You’re loud and I love you

The sun bit me again

The messenger and the trickster

Well

Trickster

And the trickster

Trickster One and Trickster A

Oh yes, the prices to fame, but the prices.

You are larger than life though

Internal and eternal

External and

Well

Don’t tell them about the earthquakes