Elucidating Questions

First it comes on quiet

First it comes in

First it comes on

First it comes

It

First it

Did you hear that?

Did you see that?

Did you notice that?

Bang

Crash

He’s mad at me

He’s mad at me and I can’t fix it he scares me

At least he doesn’t touch me anymore

He’s banging things and not talking to me and yelling loudly beside my head like I’m not there

He’s

Did you see what daddy dear got?

I don’t want it

$100

The front of the card said daughter

Child

And he’s the only one who got it right

But

If you don’t call him now you’ll be the bad guy

He tells me things like how my name was after an affair

He’s paranoid

But there was a guy named Ashleigh

But he tells me things like

I’m so sick and it’s all because of

Brothers

Mother

Money

Why can’t you fix it?

Because I’m worthless

You’re worth at least $100

One hundred dollars isn’t going to make all the pain go away

He never talks about his life only other people who’ve ruined his life

My mind goes

You may be over reacting

My mind goes

Maybe he’s just like that and due to your mental health state

Province

Location

Where is my mental health?

Like in my brain?

Like inside me?

My mental health

Not how I pretend it is with others?

I don’t know

I lost it right around

If I did have a The One

He

They

Would be

On a different planet

In a different solar system

In a different time

Calling out for me

Where he’s already gone

And all I have is the echo

He gave me $100

He gave me one hundred dollars

Yeah that’ll fix it

Throw money at it

Don’t acknowledge your behaviour throw money at it

Try to prove to yourself how much of an ungrateful child I am because I always take your money when you won’t stop

Act as if it must have been something you did last year and not somethings you did you did you did

Just throw money at it

I wish you could understand

I wish you could understand that if I did say it I will kill myself because I have no memory and I couldn’t live knowing I did

But I wish you could understand

Why I needed an answer

Why I needed a reason

Why I searched and searched and dug and dug and swam until I couldn’t keep my head above the waves they were all drowning in

What love does optimism cost but love?

No you fucking tell me this I have no answers

I have no reasons

I have no point

They’re all leaving

They won’t stay around here

Do you know how long I stayed around here

Afraid they might need me?

Merry Christmas

Good luck and goodbye

Saturn’s hands are on her neck

I know

I say to the faceless man

I know

That’s a fact of life

And it’s beautiful

It is in the moment the last air leaves the moment

That the creature sees all the memories cherished by those who loved them

All the memories tainted by the face within

I wish you could understand where and why we drop it

My cat is going to die

And I’m going to miss her

But because my rage is blind and my pain is

Familiar

Enough to ignore I can see all these stories of her life and I’ve loved watching her life

Because her life is real and I’m going to miss her but

Damn it

She’s so upset about being old.

Sometimes she sits at the top of the stairs and waits to smack you

Well, she used to

One time she left a very large bite on my hand but I was being stupid and definitely deserved it

The scar will be a treasured memory of my treasure

Silver

I will always always

Be thankful for the time I’ve been granted with you

And you will always be the best lie I ever told

Also I finally caught up in math after that one year I did literally on a calculator to fake my mark so I could have you

It’s timely, you are beautiful

I wish he could understand

Very strange ways come from

Alone alone alone

This is my culture

These these

Strange things I wanted an answer for

So Call Me Maybe came on

Not once

But

twice

1. Rockband (fine I used to love this song and I play rockband still because I can perform)

2. Little brother puts on exact episode of Brooklyn Nine Nine that has that song

I wished that it would never be played anywhere again on planet earth

It’s a Christmas Wish

Get on it.

Maybe by then you’ll have fucking told me who I’m supposed to be calling.

So this is Christmas

And what the fuck?

This year has been fucked.

It’s still fucked.

Merry Christmas

There’s no happy holiday seasonal greeting that could fix what has happened

You’re haunting me eternally and I never got what I wanted or needed or asked for or

Anything

Sigh

Assuming I ever deserved anything close

I dreamt of the owl

And him

But ever since Vancouver when you popped up and I (witnesses) yelled

Go away

You haven’t been in a dream

I suppose that’s how it goes

Does Netflix ruin your day like it does mine?

I don’t hate you

I’m angry at you and I’m hurt by my own stupid actions and watching you trying to make me feel more crazy

What a mess

So it’s Christmas

But it’s just another day of the same

It’s just another day

Boy said he was born around mid-spring, early summer.

But that’s not something you can prove

Follow me slowly

I yelled at you and I wasn’t wrong

Follow me slowly

Your song came and it doesn’t feel like you’re mad at me so you don’t know or you don’t care

Or both

As always

I’m sleeping with the pain

No see usually all the words that hurt hurt more

Why are you safe?

I always I ask that to myself

I skip Michael

I cry at Trench

I flinch at the Park

Why are you safe?

Somehow somehow

It hurts and I’m sick and I’m tired and

You’re always safe and I don’t even know why

I’m sorry this never ends

I miss you

I see you everywhere

But when I see you now I don’t want to cry

Do with it what you will

Do with it what you will

Slowly slowly

The rabbit scares easily

And the cat is afraid already

I don’t know I feel like parting the sky isn’t as cool as parting the ocean

Sea

Cataclysmic bullshit

Be nice Mr. Apparition

Twisted sideways look

And I thought Catholics were self flagellating

Sometimes for sexual gratification

Uproarious laughter

My brain feels like tiny ping-pong balls have been shooting through it all day

I keep throwing up

Everyone keeps joking I’m pregnant

Remember when

I want to see the moon before I go hide away

I’m so tired

I don’t want anything but

Karma’s just so easy to see

I know I was mean

This is my punishment

Thump thump

Remember when this was shooting the moon?

If we could stop that again I wouldn’t mind it

Vertigo

In thrums like waves like

ドキン

Theres no matching effect

It’s funny our word for it is better

Onomatopoeia

Their onomatopoeia are better than ours by far

No hyperbole

Dizzy spinning

The stars are brightly shining

Is it gonna snow if I don’t coax the clouds away?

If I’m good will it snow now?

That’d be nice

Someone has to top him cumming twice for Christmas presents this year just saying.

It’d be nice if I could see him tonight though

I know I can’t have anyone real

I’m sorry

I know I can’t have anyone who’s on this planet who doesn’t call me from above somewhere

I am just a stupid human we don’t possess outer awareness yet I’m sorry

I wish I could see him

I wish he could hear my love for him

I love you

Somewhere out there

Somewhere out there

I love you

Are you fucking foolish?

I make my own fate

Oh how cute of you you think

You think

You

Out of every thing in this black fucking hole

That you get to choose your

Oh you fucking adorable idiot

If the blackhole has a predictable beginning and end

That means everything within it

Was decided

The second those two things were

And who knows any of that

Fuck

But fate?

Hah!

Dreaming by Fleetwood Mac followed by Dreamings’s for Sleeping by

Fuck off

Wait he’s back so I’m going to cry for a second

I wish I’d died but this dick is here

I hear he’s a real fucking cunt.

Hoot hoot

Yeah I’m learning

Oh it’s all so pretty

But I asked for it so

Haha.

Fuck Fate.

Fuck it.

Kill it.

Do something unfucking predictable for one fucking second

God you’re both so completely unaffected and completely fucking awful people.