Elucidating Questions

Having too many silent conversations with no one

Thinking no one could be someone who might help because s

Because someone doesn’t seem to be present

And it’s never what it seems but it’s a place to hide

A shelter regardless

But once you start it’s so hard to slow down

I know that’s what you said

When I came for you you were gone and I shouldn’t have left it but it’s so

Heavy

I wish for a moment to feel better and then it’s like

It’s too big

There you are I skipped past him to you and now burn it down

Times

Wait at the turn

Five hundred thousand ways to pull apart the handbook you left

And I don’t really see the point

What is self worth

Because

I don’t understand

It must be heinous.

To tell someone to go to hell.

It must be evil.

To think of the repercussions you say it as if to say

If I had the power that is where you would go

But how can the gods be so cruel?

Asked the little copies

Parrots really

Repeating the words of the gods over and over.

To go to hell

Must really mean

It must really mean

Go back to right where we are somewhere when else

How cruel to damn a life living to another life lived

How cruel

So what could possibly be heaven?

It’s not here

Perhaps we’ve been telling everyone to come back so damn often there was one but it got bored from being empty and left

Perhaps it was so wonderful minds could only imagine less hellish versions of hell in its magnificence

And it was disappointed by our tiny incapable existences and left

And woe to be alive and well in hell where day in and out

No day

Just hours of existing in different places for no reason

To keep living? Why

Morning asks it loudly in dripping springs of colours unseen stories untold memories folded into the strange unknown of

Even that hell of my mind to try to fill the hours

Trying to fill the hours of walking amongst the cell mates in the cell

Do you suppose our charge was taking our mother for granted?

No

No

Too simple

Even the ones who live sentences unaware they really are just in a different hell

Go to hell

Well

Really not existing at all seems so much kinder

I don’t wish to be reborn into a different colour new sentence

What did I do wrong this time

Godszses

In this sentence which has been going on since the day I started knowing

I.

And oh I’ve been missing

A bit

Wow

I’ve been missing an entire part of this that just makes it

So much worse

No you see

You see

The chances of you having a the one

Or me

Or any

One really

Hah

Are the same as there being a chance of you

No and see here’s the fucking kicker because

Look out there

Into the fucking hell hole

Look out there

What are the chances of you?

What are the chances of me?

Out of all that exists

Everywhere

Like fuck you unfortunately accidentally exist under monumentous fucking chances

And you don’t even want to.

What are the chances of one?

So it’s really just fucking funny you came searching for the one when there’s no chance.

There’s no chance you’d ever get the fucking chance to exist at the same time or place or fucking solar system look at it

The universe is hell

At least it’s pretty to look at.

Take one

Oh my god I am so excited to meet you I love you I want to sing like you

Why?

But it didn’t ruin it because I crushed Duo

Had a long thoughtful talk with Quatre

And I got to have a brief and enjoyable encounter with Trowa

And now every time I hear those who I know them and it’s like

Oh my god you’re still selling Toyotas ???

And you all over those anti texting while driving videos

You always with the drunk driving stuff

Like these guys I met for five whole minutes

Brad sorry

Like twenty minutes

I never told that secret

It’s some things I can’t usually find because the fear

Hides on top

Those years were not happy

But I got to meet some people who got me through it

So Lacus hated me.

Irony.

But all those other people.

I have tortured that poor man

I hope singing with him and always saying hi and respecting that he’s just a dude

Makes up for stupid 17

Hahaha

I’m just wandering through tiptoed dreams of before that went right

Trying not to disturb the moment with now because

That stuff isn’t going to happen anymore.

When I walked up to Yukito/Uranus so many others

Look but don’t touch

And she didn’t follow the rule

When I was so prepared for Duo

Rey

Many

Many

Many

Many

To disappoint me or think my thinking

It’s a Sailor Moon bag

Gundam Wing and Sailor Moon were my everything

Reading reading f-for the Japanese

wtf

Aura

But he shook my hand and signed it and put up with my silliness later

I can’t be doing things like that anymore but

I did

So

Life is strange

So the writer writes himself death threats

The whole

Disappointing

Heroes but like

I was smart enough to know then that the actual heroes aren’t the ones who you look at

They’re that ones who just so happened to end up being what the memories go to when I’m all alone

And

Dearka years later

I still have that little figure

It’s one of the only ones who’ve survived the years.

I remember so very clearly

Dearka: But why am I so small?

See like

The shining light that keeps the memory clear because

Because for a moment the world just felt like

Unbelievably perfect because of how unfuckingbelievably fucked my life is always in between the lines

What I need is a hero as in

Someone who can make my life feel that way

I’m aware that sifting through yesterday

Doesn’t lead to tomorrow

I won’t pretend those moments will ever be back.

I’m not going to wait billions of years

Life after life

Existence after existence

Knowing there’s no one

I don’t want to spend eternities looking out into billions of something

Knowing that this duet only ever has one side

That there’s no one out there within reach and searching

Someone’s disgusting romance novel of lifetimes of pain and suffering and loneliness

Only to have the last day mean something

Because the die cast finally hit ones

There’s nothing to indicate this so called moment of totality

Would be worth the wake

How many disgusting romance novels only the reader will enjoy

When the liver has to be dragged through shattered glass

Only so an entirety can be looked at in an instant for

The right moment

And imagine that in that moment it’s not the beginning but finally the end that was searched for

The reader never had to cry the tears

Sick watching

For the liver to realise

It’s not worth living

Only watching others who get their moments

Never having to watch one of their own go by

The liver becomes the watcher

And has no ending