Elucidating Questions

What beauty

I see an exhausted person reaching out for support and all the terrible words that pour out

Well

I mean

I reached out for help and he never even could be bothered to say he saw anything so I shouldn’t feel guilty but I’m hideous

And I woke up so many times last night like

Hey we heard waking up is hard for you would you like to wake up every two hours?

No?

Well that’s the joke isn’t it you don’t get what you want or need or wanted or needed

Like how many times do I have to wake up before I finally get to die and never wake up again and why can’t I just

Be dead

No one wants needs loves me

They’ll take it personally

Yes I do love you

But they don’t because I’m invisible and I should just be dead

Why am I here?

I can’t escape him…

Please make him leave me alone I’ve been begging for a year for him to just leave me alone because I know

I know he’ll never love me and I’m a monster and he’ll never see me and he thinks I deserve to suffer. I’m ugly. I’m stupid. I don’t have any beauty.

I’m not good enough.

And he’s right so just kill me please.

Stop reminding me how fucking great his life is without me

Like everyone else’s life is so much fucking better without me

I can’t sleep I can’t be happy I can’t have what I need

So shut the fuck up

I just wish I could be dead…I just wish I could be dead.

The best part of my day is when I get into bed next to

The best part of my day is when I’m with

The best part of my day is

The best part…

I don’t understand the question

Or the thought or why it came and then dropped me as if it had something to say

The best part of

I guess when that cute guy was being a retail associate

I guess

I don’t understand the question

Are you trying to make me come up with some

Ritualistic thing I must do that I enjoy or something?

I get into bed when all my pain is too fucking much to deal with by myself

Or, what, I’m supposed to drink a cup of tea every night at eight because it makes me feel great about me

Or some other such fucking drivel

If I could get away from myself

My self

If I could get away from me I’d be fucking happy so why would I indulge in

Stupid fucking ideas of there being a “best” part of any day of this

So do you want me to explain how the music explains the explanations of what is going on in my brain so it

Was super cool once upon a time

But now it doesn’t have any other questions further

Yeah no fucking further questions your honour

Of whom exactly?

Your honour of whom?

Chester

I’m really excited about class though because I may find some new old things to play in

I love new old things

Someone who knows me well enough that I don’t have to explain that every time I go digging in sands

It’s all sand at some point

Perpetually incapable of feeling anything akin to anticipation

Or

That thing where you’re hoping for something and that something but also just like trusting that the something is even going to happen enough to be thinking about it

I can’t do it.

So it’s not as if the past can disappoint

Right? I mean what were you expecting

It happened

Of course it was bad

And yes I do mean that literally and eternally as every moment has already passed

And is now in the past

And yes

It continues to never disappoint because I already know

If it happened it can’t be great

Nothing is.

Star boy

I was imagining things like

Tying up Loki and whipping him.

My brain.

You know, normal stuff.

And I don’t believe in love

I bet everything on it and lost

And I don’t believe in wishes

I wish I wish I wish just means

I can’t

Simple things though still strike a chord with the heart wishing to see a wish

I wish the bus would come

Fifty

Fifty

Sixty one

Fifty

Like which bus

Oh

And it’s always the opposite of the thing

Late is only late when you don’t need it to be late

Shelter came on

No but because I describe the song and it comes along

Right now why not it’s Hedley

I should but I don’t

Star boy

First star I saw but I was looking for you too so does that make it any less

Well the bus came so I suppose not

Maybe knowing you by

Uh

A name?

I wish I knew their names but what’s in a name

Names are things other people give you

Deep down don’t whisper the words he said at the end like

Well, it never really mattered.

Very not so very far away.

Light in the sky.

I’m still alive and I walk alone.

Do you ever wonder if you’ve somehow left the country only to feel relief at the leaf?

No, neither do I.

Yes yes and then a rock.

You’re going to find a headache attempting to put him in the circle

Or a Hedley

Perhaps.

You never

What?

Put that in order over and over and over

One Hedley Trench in the park or the other direction

Or whichever

From above

Or below

And what way to go doesn’t pop up from the round and round

My head is full already please stop smacking me upside the head there’s

No more room.

Not ones

Watch

I don’t know, put something in the mix that makes me feel like he does

Like for a moment I’ve found a safe harbour.

Did you know there will always be a part of me that wishes that the reason I can come home to them

Is because one of them cares about me? And fills the sound of themselves with something to

My hero comes over and over

I said

Accidentally right into the story like

Why are you even here?

But here you are.

I don’t remember any nights.

The problem with vertigo is it is just

So

Rude

Ask it what it wants it starts singing Marianas Trench songs

So Hedley comes in

But you really just want it to fuck off

That is, after all, why it won’t just tell you how to get rid of it

How many sonic walls have I walked into?

I tried giving you water and you started making me dizzy too

Sleep

No

Silence

No

The Knights who say Ni also say

Well

Apparently Hedley is the only one I want to hear right now.

Nope don’t know why

If only it would actually

Tell me what I needed to know.

So you want to be better so you set out all the ways you should be could be wish to be

It only takes so long to realise what a mess

You see yourself in a better place and the list

Is impossible

I’d like to be less lonely you whisper to yourself on the verge of tears after 48 hours of spending quality time with yourself

I’d like my mind to like me

At least

At least

I want friends and family

Circumstance snorts and you realise,

I am not in my master plan.

How could I like me when there are so few that like me?

I’d have to be a narcissistic fuck to take the data provided and say,

I’m worth liking.

And then comes the stretch

You want friends and family?

Like a discount or what?

You don’t like yourself

You can’t blame others for not liking you

Who is this person who has friends and family?

You get what you’re given

And you ought to be grateful

Ingrate.

I wish I could at least live somewhere

A small community where people know my name

Isn’t it ironic that your ancestors ensured you would never be able to live somewhere like that

Thanks ancestors

I said I wanted a family and the past winked

And how can I be present in a

Place where I cannot possibly be the person I’m describing in

★The Better Life★™

Who is that?

They have friends, they’re “happy”, they

Are they afraid like me?

Afraid that every relationship is going to be a

Gotcha

Moment

Every time I wish I had someone to hold on to I think

I would have to die to live the life I want

Self

That me doesn’t lie awake all night

Or have night terrors

Or have night sweats

Or cry in the morning from the shock of waking up

That me can do things

Unlike me

This preferred life

Isn’t mine.