Elucidating Questions

Well relatively not great

But better than you

I mean I have to worry constantly about money but relatively to you

In relativity I suppose

In relativity to you

She doesn’t haunt me anymore

My god she scares me I am afraid of her

She’s been gone and I hope she’s well and she forgot all about me because honey

My god I can hear blah blah blah but if things work out

You know the saying

So many fucking secrets and I’m afraid to say anything so really

Honestly

Whatever man she has her entirely wrong story and I just don’t want to deal with that

Vomit chunk of my life anymore so

Have fun

Time’s up time’s up

Funny?

Retroactively

Relativity

It has to exist somewhere

How else could it have existed

Maybe I’ll write it all out pretending I have any control over what happensed

New word needed it

I make them.

And I don’t fucking need you to do it.

Those stars I’m yelling at don’t care if I’m yelling at them they have other things to do

I’m yelling at history

In a way

Well

Relatively speaking

In relation to what I am looking at and where I am looking I’m yelling at circa 300 b.c. but also 1984 and 1978

In lights so

Really I’m just damn good at yelling at time

So good

Time is always

Involved

Haha

Relativity

It’s all so big, isn’t it?

And then you look out there and just for a moment all at once you see before and you see what beforer saw and you paint your way and think about how

You’ll never see the sky those ancients, those classics, say,

Felt

Do you feel what you don’t see

Now that seems strange

But if all matter is just a missmash like woops we fell into the same…?

Light bulb? Thing?

Woops now we’re a planet let’s assume some shit

Well I’m a plant now

Like

Relativity

Shouldn’t all my matter that was ever matter to for of with someone else’s or something or like

Whatever the universe is just

Always long to be a part of everything else in the universe and if that is true

Why the fuck did this mess that is me end up as a fucking human

Instead of a rock or some shit

God damn we are worrying about

Relativity is like

If I had a theory about relativeness I’d want to call it relativity so

Relativity is like that at this moment I’m typing on a phone people are dying people are starving animals are suffering the world is dying but the planets are turning and the sun just stays there and we roll around in its gravity ring shit (lol Saturn’s rings are dying y’all Mercury is gonna go live on the sun things that will happen but we won’t see but we know they’ll happen for some reason even though it will literally help anyone never) but outside that there’s like

Sixty billion other stars doing the same shit with some rocks and some glitter and shit and they

They are doing the same shit all these rocks are doing around a fucking black hole

And all those black holes are just fucking

Spinning around in ?¿‽¿¿¡??№₱‡ world which ends?¿!

And those black holes get busy sometimes

Suns as STDs #2019exceptnotintheuniverseonlyonearth

So we’re literally

Literally

We’re on a fucking highway to hell.

The fastest ride in the universe

Except it’s twelve merry-go-rounds deep and it takes

Billions of licks to reach the centre so

Why the fuck bother?

Because thinking about all of that shit

Is so much easier

Than thinking about my life

So you have less friends

Fewer except also

You know

Sims

Relationships

In relativity to you

I’m way worse off

But on the bright side

I have somewhere to live.

And I can fill the silence with our quick rendition of

Universe 101.

On repeat since right around 6:00pm on the 6th of January

Or whatever

Lunar eclipse

I’m bored

Whatever whenever wherever

Or maybe a part of me somewhere still believes

That any of this entire

Literally

The entire universe

Makes sense.

Oh no

It’s back

The twitch

Pluto is louder during the new years

Solar

Lunar

She’s loud

Because time is on everyone’s minds

You’re ruining my metaphor stop Pluto is time

I don’t know why

Shut up

I’m mostly immune

I have no connection to anything

This is like giving up everything at once all at once

But not

Putting it in pause so I’m older and wiser when it comes back and it’ll be like

AHH Oh right that trauma I blocked out x number of years ago that happened

Silly me

Good thing it happened a long time ago and can’t change it

Wouldn’t that be loverly

Loverly

Toogeda toodawy

The earth show man has the same speech pattern as the bride princess bride movie

This stupid background music sounds like Everywhere

P

I’m just explaining

I am so tired.

The next little while will be difficult

I was so sure

I don’t know why I was so sure

I don’t remember what led to it started it why

Time’s up

Hit my head so squarely why it felt like

Now or never

Why it felt like I wasn’t the only one that I was behind that everyone knew and I was slow

Like

Someone was waiting for something

Who what when where why

I don’t know why

If only I could wake up and have it be then I would try to get a start early I’d leave him out of it because I still worry I hurt him

Even when I’m doing things that would hurt him

I wish I could make his life better by never having been in it

I

Don’t know what tomorrow could possibly be good for or the next or the day after

And I’m still invisible

No one ever

I don’t know how I’m supposed to go from here everyone is slowly disappearing

First it was Piche

Then it was Amber

Now it’s Lewis

Without them what is the point of my last name it doesn’t have any meaning without them

They won’t meet up I know how things go

You go and never say

Hello

Again

Goodbye all the people who used to exist

Now they exist elsewhere

I was so certain

So certain that everything was going to be right

Why?

Why?

And the pain was ignore-able

And I felt

Happy and safe and I felt paranoid as hell

But I had good reason

I still don’t understand what she meant by password

I don’t understand what was happening

What happened

I don’t understand

I thought we were going to finished this year hand in hand

Knowing we’d at least tried to start something right

At least we’d tried

Regardless of what comes

Just a glance at eachother and at least that moment would exist

And we would be together

I thought

I thought you’d have rung by now

I thought you’d have called around

I thought you’d have come round

I thought you’d have seen me

I just wanted to be seen

Really seen

By someone this year

And the person who got closest is up island on a ferry living his dream wishing I’d never message him again

And the person I wanted to see me is on the other side of the fault line

If he knows I exist he is trying to break me. He’s trying to drive me insane. He’s trying to hurt me and I don’t know why.

Or

I’m invisible

And I don’t know how it happened

I wish I hadn’t lived to see the day I was twenty seven

Now it looks like I’m going to be forced to see the day I’m twenty eight years old

I wish I didn’t have to

I wish this year had never happened

I don’t know what to say

Back to day one and not a moment goes by when I don’t want

Don’t want to wonder why he’s still not here

Doesn’t even acknowledge my existence

It would almost be easier for him to hate me

At least I’d be seen

It would almost be easier for him to turn them on me

At least I’d know I’m real

One year later and there is an irony

After all I’m sick again

Just like I was sick last year

The year before

Next year what happens happens but he never called

He never came

Never

Oh you poor thing as time exists I know there is a me about to begin

This horrid trap of a year

At least his year was better than mine

At least he got to do something

At least he got to go places

Even though I

Wish I could look back on this year as a positive

I have somewhere that is a home

If only he’d seen me and liked what he saw

But it’s over now

One more short chapter of nothing to enter in to the

Searching for a family the family disappeared as the friends went farther away and everything I reached for

Was out of reach so

What was the point of this eternity of pain and sadness and loneliness and I know it won’t get better

It doesn’t get better

They always say it gets better

But Jake is still in jail

No but he may as well be

Josh still acts like I don’t exist when all I needed was a friend

Even though I loved him

He ignored me

So why does all this exist when I can’t do anything and they don’t want me?

What was the point?

Someone’s going to yell

Happy New Year

But what are the chances?

What are the chances?

It’s the day of the sun that I hid away from

Nothing feels right

But do I bid him goodnight when

Well goodnight sun

I’m ill and I could have prevented it but time keeps slipping

And every moment feels like an eternity but then time has gone by without my knowledge

Such strange places to be where time flies and stands still in the same constant moment

Today tomorrow two days from now it’s as if I’m trapped in this void of

Concealing how sick I am and then spending every day not working as if I’m unable to get up

But I can’t

If only there was a way to break this cycle

Instead I lie here with nothing to fight with and I wonder

Where are you?

My tongue feels too large stuck in my throat

It’s just so easy

Like I’m never even here and I wonder when

I wonder if he saw it

Way back then but it wasn’t like

No I understand

So low

If that’s an unforgivable thing to have done perhaps I’m always going to be the wrong one

Pretty as a painting

Said the prince

Needs more words

Needs better words

Don’t because it hurts and I don’t want to

I just appeared out of nowhere and then said everything and nothing

I guess it just never was enough or good enough

Or

I have a fever.

I’ll never be able to be as good as them in his eye and it hurts me

Breaks me, I

…

Famous poets….

Certainly not I so far from me and yet I see do you see what I see?

He’s an asshole

I swear he is

Just…

Just look at him

It’s like I’m not even here.