Elucidating Questions

It keeps coming

It’s burning my skin

I can’t describe it you have to see it for yourself

I hate it

And I don’t have any way to fix it

It just happens

It never happened before and I don’t know why but

The waking up in it is like driving out of a hole and then right back in

Don’t quote me on it I don’t know how I do it

It’s like

Is that an innuendo or are you serious?

Yes.

Can’t quite describe the feeling no one has ever really

Had to live with me like this

I mean it

So

It broke but it’s all exactly the same

Just without

Feeling like it’s obvious

Or something

Can’t quite find a reason to reason with anymore though I keep trying

So quiet gone watching don’t know exactly why but it feels like there’s something I’m missing and I don’t want to be missing anything

Because if I miss it then

I really don’t know where I’m going

I’ll run out of conversation topics

I can’t do that there’s a wall there

I put it there

I asked for it because I know if I get in too deep they’re too young to

They’re just kids so I can’t really

But I’m weird and I’m sick and that’s just about all I’m sure of in my personality

I wish being sick wasn’t a part of my fucking personality

How can I not be garbage?

Tally it up for me

Are my genetics worth passing on?

Am I acceptable breeding spawn?

Do I even possess the appropriate mating rituals and techniques to properly fool something into loving me?

That’s what the whole

Display is for right?

Am I a good person?

Does anything within me really scream out that I

I don’t understand why wanting to see other people as happy

And wanting other people to be able to enjoy themselves

I don’t understand

Why that would make me a good person

Because wouldn’t it be normal for someone to think that of others

I don’t understand

Why that means anything why that means anything at all

I get into fights with the invasive thoughts that answer when I ask the question

Questions

Who what when where why and how

Do you

Don’t know

Everything

Sometimes

In the moment

Because it’s all so beautiful

By knowing that it wouldn’t matter if I threw it all at him

Because somewhere in my heart I must have known from the start that I was about to ruin

Everything

For myself

There’s no way I believed

Ever

That someone else would love me

So I don’t understand

The

Fucking

Question

Your honour

Whose honour

Yours

Whatever honour is

Whatever that means

Figure it means about the same thing as justice wouldn’t you?

Which is why it doesn’t make sense.

Both principles make no sense to me anymore.

How strange to strip them of human things that are not

In fact

Anything but an

Ideal

Which is so incredibly personal that there would be billions of them so what? Like

That

Yeah whatever people don’t do it very well anyways

Look at history

Running off into a strange quieter my head hurts

My hand hurts

I’m still awake because I don’t want to dream again

I just want to sleep.

How many wakeful moments lost in a sea of the lost days

Were they real or just another whisper of

But then it looks like there’s no choice

And yes we’ve been here before

I knew it was February

How’d we get here so soon?

Forgot how to love.

Forgot to love.

How to forget how to.

Or something.

There’s no scrambling to figure out what was going on or why I felt how I felt

There had to be an answer.

There wasn’t.

So we just come to the end of it.

The same end without an end holding two threads that should have gone back together

But didn’t

And it never seems to make any sense to me how I can feel guilty for having feelings for someone and writing about it

And now when I’m trying my damndest to keep him out of my mind and everything

I can’t get away from him and I still feel guilty for mentioning him

How dare I be capable of writing for an entire year

It’s just the same shit over and over again just like everyone else

I don’t have pride

I don’t have pleasure

I have guilt

And

I don’t really have anything else.

Besides pain and insomnia

I’m so tired I can’t sleep

I just jump awake for an hour

And then spend the two hour windows dreaming nightmares or something uncomfortable or something that wakes me like

I’m in the other room how did I get here

Terrors

Nothing really

Matters anymore

I already know I

I don’t know what good I could be for the world

I wonder if I can

I wonder if I will want to keep this if anything ever gets better

Wouldn’t that be funny

I can’t write anymore

I’m too happy

Or dead

And either way that would be better so

Maybe I’ll finally be free when I finally find a better place.

She kissed me gently

She whispered

How could they be the one if they aren’t here?

Pretty baby.

But

I try to argue

She’s looking me dead on

Did I do something bad to deserve being alone?

I don’t want to throw any parties where no one comes.

There’s never enough Egypt

Jesus dies

No no phone in present future tense because

Don’t question Jesus

He tried really hard you guys.

He dies of Jesus a lot.

Jesus Christ Jesus could you be less Jesus for five seconds.

It’s not 6:45 it’s 5:53

4

Time does that.

I guess you’re right

But

Well there’s that fruit thing again though

Echo Echo Echo

But then I feel like

I must have done something to deserve this

And I don’t mean the entire year of trying to make myself deserve this

But then I feel like

He’d have to love me

You know?

I don’t think anyone ever has so

I don’t believe anyone ever has so

Where does that leave me?

With hope?

Your beauty unquestionable your passion endless and real

But I don’t have any of it

I don’t know

You never look beautiful in art

So I don’t know what you look like

Yellow dot.

I don’t want to hear about how heaven has a plan for

You wouldn’t die for me silly

You’re too pretty to die

I’ll just pretend I can let myself believe that anyone could love me

After knowing me.

So when the quake walks in

And starts fighting with Link

Just wish you would do that here

Because I don’t know regret until later that’s the point

I can’t even be mad at you so how could I if

Why am I supposed to hold it together

I would rather she wake them up and force them to see the disappearing

Two

Even whatever

See he pretends he’s being nice to me but he’s all I see so how can I be sure that’s the truth or just some

And then there’s the one who just never shuts up

Oh yes everywhere

Your mouth just goes

They say you’re fast I think they just wish you’d take a nap.

Can we take a short glance at the consolation prize?

She seems to be doing better

I hope that lasts

I hope every time she needs someone they’re there for her and that she can see how beautiful she is and I hope

I hope she can find one

A reason not to

Live a life which doesn’t bring that whisper

Be free

Time is

So fucking loud

Right now

Again yes I know and yes I know and yes

Yes yes

And nothing keeps one quiet

And two is on the other side of the sun

If I got a letter

I hope she got better

I hope she gets better

The quieter of the love and the ocean.

Like a whisper in a silent bay.

I hope she finds something

Because I always have those moments when I think

I really do wish I could enjoy this living thing

And I think there’s something to be said for the waiting of uncertainty

Oh there it is

Except the ones who are dead

I don’t really like cake anyways.

The bass doesn’t suck

He’s not even angry

Like he’s not even angry

I think

I would throw every piece into a shire

And yet I’m still here

No I said I’d prefer to stay in shire.

How many times do I say I’m overwhelmed

And then this shit happens

Well I was describing it.

Is Spotify listening so well or is

That thing that will be still alive when I’m dead and dying?

Do you want to see it?

No.

No no no.

It was dark and I was trying to escape

But I was trying to bring everyone with me

Except Juliet.

Fuck Juliet.

Which song was it though I wonder he doesn’t walk in it’s more like being smashed in the face.

I’m sorry for saying mean things when you were exhausted

I feel guilty

But what is the point in feeling guilty and wanting to hug him and apologise and

“Make things better”

That never happens.

It’s been a year and I keep trying to make it leave me alone

But when the only people you wanted to make just a moment better

I woke up for this?

Where’s Jake I need to cry more…

Where’s Jake I need to feel like for a moment.

It would be so incredibly hilarious

If it was like

Someone else and every time they’re like

What the fuck has Jake done and I’m like

Yes.

I know.

But he’s the only one that comes when I call and doesn’t try to tear me to pieces and I don’t know why

I don’t care anymore

Blame it on Aperture Science

And the cake being a lie.

What beauty

I see an exhausted person reaching out for support and all the terrible words that pour out

Well

I mean

I reached out for help and he never even could be bothered to say he saw anything so I shouldn’t feel guilty but I’m hideous

And I woke up so many times last night like

Hey we heard waking up is hard for you would you like to wake up every two hours?

No?

Well that’s the joke isn’t it you don’t get what you want or need or wanted or needed

Like how many times do I have to wake up before I finally get to die and never wake up again and why can’t I just

Be dead

No one wants needs loves me

They’ll take it personally

Yes I do love you

But they don’t because I’m invisible and I should just be dead

Why am I here?

I can’t escape him…

Please make him leave me alone I’ve been begging for a year for him to just leave me alone because I know

I know he’ll never love me and I’m a monster and he’ll never see me and he thinks I deserve to suffer. I’m ugly. I’m stupid. I don’t have any beauty.

I’m not good enough.

And he’s right so just kill me please.

Stop reminding me how fucking great his life is without me

Like everyone else’s life is so much fucking better without me

I can’t sleep I can’t be happy I can’t have what I need

So shut the fuck up

I just wish I could be dead…I just wish I could be dead.