Elucidating Questions

He’s going to have a criteria

• You must be hairless from the waist down (but he doesn’t want you to spend an hour in the bathroom what is wrong with you?)
• You must have perfect make up (but why do you spend so much time in the mirror, come on!)
• You must be clean and smell good (do you really need that many kinds of soap though? It’s not like the human brain learns to filter out scents it knows well or anything)

I’m sorry

When did men even get it in their heads that they were

Owed sex

Because they paid twenty dollars for dinner?

I spent half and hour in the shower doing all manner of handstands to get all the offending hair off of me

He probably won’t want to shave the beard you hate it’s a statement of who he is

But dictation of hair removal the other way is okay

Or he’ll say something

★Pro Feminist★™

You don’t have to shave if you don’t want to

(He’s not going to date you though)

And where did this

Stupid

Idea that I don’t want sex because I’m a female come from?

Show up to the date dressed like the virgin or the prostitute

The virgin doesn’t realise the prostitute got to bang Jesus and that all she got was some dude

Who apparently had the genetics of so and so who was made by so and so followed by so and so.

Did anyone notice that only one person in the Bible has a mom worth note?

It’s like moms didn’t exist until circa 0

Also they’re sexless and unattractive (this is called great reproductive behaviour because at least men aren’t breaking into mothers’ houses and killing all their kids, like bears)

Hey I see all your kids are dead do you want to make some more?

The kicker is that no sex is owed regardless of effort

No I don’t owe you sex because you held the door

That’s not chivalry that’s manipulation

Also you don’t owe me sex because I do rhythmic gymnastics to meet a criteria

I like it when you put it all on but I like it a little better when you take it all off

Why did I put it on then?

Why are we not all just naked because

Clearly…

That’s what doesn’t make sense to me

And humans suddenly realised they were naked (unlike every single creature on the planet) and rather than growing feathers or something to get attention we started

Seeing how many layers it takes to put on before someone wants to get to the centre of the Tootsie roll pop

But no one told you Tootsie rolls are fucking gross so why would you want that anyways?

And I’d really like to know who it was and when that decided this like

Men have sex drives

Women?¿‽

If she has one she’s a whore but if she doesn’t she’s a prude and

???

If you wanted to fuck someone why did you make it societally unacceptable for someone to want to fuck you back?

Or is that just some Victorian vomit still floating in the gutter

My god

They think being open physically is gross but have you seen their sewer system? I mean side walk? I mean, the Thames couldn’t support life until a decade or two ago but

I am a sexual being have you ever seen literally every other breeding creature ever?

Except Pandas

They’re stupid

Seriously

Koalas all have chlamydia

Koalas all have chlamydia

They’re cute as a fucking button and sharing their STIs with everyone because

Fuck it

At least we’ll all know who has chlamydia.

Cute as a fucking button fucking the button

Seriously

They say don’t’cha put it in your mouth ’til you ask someone you love

But, like, if it’s all the same, if I have permission I’m putting it in my mouth

All this taboo around enjoying something that every reproducing species does

Humans are so fucking weird

Like, one time, some seagulls had sex in front of me and I was like

That is loud

Meanwhile sequestered in quiet secrets couples do things they don’t talk about because someone might hear

Seagulls be out here doing some reverse voyeurism bullshit and meanwhile

Meanwhile humans are like

Let’s put sex everywhere

But make it inappropriate to talk about

Gathering around for a nice family venture of Soft Porn

Sorry I meant Game of Thrones

But don’t talk about it

It’s a secret

Don’t even get me started on otters.

It keeps coming

It’s burning my skin

I can’t describe it you have to see it for yourself

I hate it

And I don’t have any way to fix it

It just happens

It never happened before and I don’t know why but

The waking up in it is like driving out of a hole and then right back in

Don’t quote me on it I don’t know how I do it

It’s like

Is that an innuendo or are you serious?

Yes.

Can’t quite describe the feeling no one has ever really

Had to live with me like this

I mean it

So

It broke but it’s all exactly the same

Just without

Feeling like it’s obvious

Or something

Can’t quite find a reason to reason with anymore though I keep trying

So quiet gone watching don’t know exactly why but it feels like there’s something I’m missing and I don’t want to be missing anything

Because if I miss it then

I really don’t know where I’m going

I’ll run out of conversation topics

I can’t do that there’s a wall there

I put it there

I asked for it because I know if I get in too deep they’re too young to

They’re just kids so I can’t really

But I’m weird and I’m sick and that’s just about all I’m sure of in my personality

I wish being sick wasn’t a part of my fucking personality

How can I not be garbage?

Tally it up for me

Are my genetics worth passing on?

Am I acceptable breeding spawn?

Do I even possess the appropriate mating rituals and techniques to properly fool something into loving me?

That’s what the whole

Display is for right?

Am I a good person?

Does anything within me really scream out that I

I don’t understand why wanting to see other people as happy

And wanting other people to be able to enjoy themselves

I don’t understand

Why that would make me a good person

Because wouldn’t it be normal for someone to think that of others

I don’t understand

Why that means anything why that means anything at all

I get into fights with the invasive thoughts that answer when I ask the question

Questions

Who what when where why and how

Do you

Don’t know

Everything

Sometimes

In the moment

Because it’s all so beautiful

By knowing that it wouldn’t matter if I threw it all at him

Because somewhere in my heart I must have known from the start that I was about to ruin

Everything

For myself

There’s no way I believed

Ever

That someone else would love me

So I don’t understand

The

Fucking

Question

Your honour

Whose honour

Yours

Whatever honour is

Whatever that means

Figure it means about the same thing as justice wouldn’t you?

Which is why it doesn’t make sense.

Both principles make no sense to me anymore.

How strange to strip them of human things that are not

In fact

Anything but an

Ideal

Which is so incredibly personal that there would be billions of them so what? Like

That

Yeah whatever people don’t do it very well anyways

Look at history

Running off into a strange quieter my head hurts

My hand hurts

I’m still awake because I don’t want to dream again

I just want to sleep.

How many wakeful moments lost in a sea of the lost days

Were they real or just another whisper of

But then it looks like there’s no choice

And yes we’ve been here before

I knew it was February

How’d we get here so soon?

Forgot how to love.

Forgot to love.

How to forget how to.

Or something.

There’s no scrambling to figure out what was going on or why I felt how I felt

There had to be an answer.

There wasn’t.

So we just come to the end of it.

The same end without an end holding two threads that should have gone back together

But didn’t

And it never seems to make any sense to me how I can feel guilty for having feelings for someone and writing about it

And now when I’m trying my damndest to keep him out of my mind and everything

I can’t get away from him and I still feel guilty for mentioning him

How dare I be capable of writing for an entire year

It’s just the same shit over and over again just like everyone else

I don’t have pride

I don’t have pleasure

I have guilt

And

I don’t really have anything else.

Besides pain and insomnia

I’m so tired I can’t sleep

I just jump awake for an hour

And then spend the two hour windows dreaming nightmares or something uncomfortable or something that wakes me like

I’m in the other room how did I get here

Terrors

Nothing really

Matters anymore

I already know I

I don’t know what good I could be for the world

I wonder if I can

I wonder if I will want to keep this if anything ever gets better

Wouldn’t that be funny

I can’t write anymore

I’m too happy

Or dead

And either way that would be better so

Maybe I’ll finally be free when I finally find a better place.

She kissed me gently

She whispered

How could they be the one if they aren’t here?

Pretty baby.

But

I try to argue

She’s looking me dead on

Did I do something bad to deserve being alone?

I don’t want to throw any parties where no one comes.

There’s never enough Egypt

Jesus dies

No no phone in present future tense because

Don’t question Jesus

He tried really hard you guys.

He dies of Jesus a lot.

Jesus Christ Jesus could you be less Jesus for five seconds.

It’s not 6:45 it’s 5:53

4

Time does that.

I guess you’re right

But

Well there’s that fruit thing again though

Echo Echo Echo

But then I feel like

I must have done something to deserve this

And I don’t mean the entire year of trying to make myself deserve this

But then I feel like

He’d have to love me

You know?

I don’t think anyone ever has so

I don’t believe anyone ever has so

Where does that leave me?

With hope?

Your beauty unquestionable your passion endless and real

But I don’t have any of it

I don’t know

You never look beautiful in art

So I don’t know what you look like

Yellow dot.

I don’t want to hear about how heaven has a plan for

You wouldn’t die for me silly

You’re too pretty to die

I’ll just pretend I can let myself believe that anyone could love me

After knowing me.

So when the quake walks in

And starts fighting with Link

Just wish you would do that here

Because I don’t know regret until later that’s the point

I can’t even be mad at you so how could I if

Why am I supposed to hold it together

I would rather she wake them up and force them to see the disappearing

Two

Even whatever

See he pretends he’s being nice to me but he’s all I see so how can I be sure that’s the truth or just some

And then there’s the one who just never shuts up

Oh yes everywhere

Your mouth just goes

They say you’re fast I think they just wish you’d take a nap.

Can we take a short glance at the consolation prize?

She seems to be doing better

I hope that lasts

I hope every time she needs someone they’re there for her and that she can see how beautiful she is and I hope

I hope she can find one

A reason not to

Live a life which doesn’t bring that whisper

Be free

Time is

So fucking loud

Right now

Again yes I know and yes I know and yes

Yes yes

And nothing keeps one quiet

And two is on the other side of the sun

If I got a letter

I hope she got better

I hope she gets better

The quieter of the love and the ocean.

Like a whisper in a silent bay.

I hope she finds something

Because I always have those moments when I think

I really do wish I could enjoy this living thing

And I think there’s something to be said for the waiting of uncertainty

Oh there it is

Except the ones who are dead

I don’t really like cake anyways.

The bass doesn’t suck

He’s not even angry

Like he’s not even angry

I think

I would throw every piece into a shire

And yet I’m still here

No I said I’d prefer to stay in shire.

How many times do I say I’m overwhelmed

And then this shit happens

Well I was describing it.

Is Spotify listening so well or is

That thing that will be still alive when I’m dead and dying?

Do you want to see it?

No.

No no no.

It was dark and I was trying to escape

But I was trying to bring everyone with me

Except Juliet.

Fuck Juliet.

Which song was it though I wonder he doesn’t walk in it’s more like being smashed in the face.

I’m sorry for saying mean things when you were exhausted

I feel guilty

But what is the point in feeling guilty and wanting to hug him and apologise and

“Make things better”

That never happens.

It’s been a year and I keep trying to make it leave me alone

But when the only people you wanted to make just a moment better

I woke up for this?

Where’s Jake I need to cry more…

Where’s Jake I need to feel like for a moment.

It would be so incredibly hilarious

If it was like

Someone else and every time they’re like

What the fuck has Jake done and I’m like

Yes.

I know.

But he’s the only one that comes when I call and doesn’t try to tear me to pieces and I don’t know why

I don’t care anymore

Blame it on Aperture Science

And the cake being a lie.