Elucidating Questions

Apollo fuck off I’m done with you

What am I boring?

Is that why you’ve shot me this time?

Cunt.

Hermes thought that was funny.

Dogs and all.

We aren’t going to get better I don’t think I owe you for being a ball of fire and you’re a heartless dick.

I thought I might have a purpose because of you and your crap.

I thought I might have a place here

What you want me to die miserable like Prince?

Hermes was the one to show mercy on you

How ironic

He didn’t even see it but as can be expected by things that did/n’t transgress how they were said

I don’t want to hear what you have to say snickering at me from behind the clouds you keep chasing away

Telling me I’m boring for being ordinary when you act like a toddler with too many toys

God damn I wish I could smack your perfect fucking face

There was no high five

There wasn’t anything

I don’t care if you have a bad day

Go away

Literally.

Apollo I hope you die.

þis æt-wist án-lépig 7 æmetig

Don’t whisper the sounds of an ancient

for-weorþenes

And in it there will be no hope

Nor happiness

Nor sadness

Just ending

What to say to the artists

Your music makes me cry

I’m sure it has feelings but all I think about is

No one wants to watch me dig my own grave

They all go away

Nothing could possibly be about anyone but me

And then I hate myself more

I don’t always see the moon in a dream but when I do I do

It’s never a good time

Don’t

Don’t make me hear that song anymore why did it have to go everywhere?

A crow because I need a friend

Or something

But nobody’s listening

That isn’t fair one light happened

My mind can’t decide if the opinion of the dead matters or not

As it cannot be affirmed

Nor tested

Everything else is just noise to fill the silence so I can have

Well nothing

It doesn’t help anymore

Sitting silent suddenly sounds

But where can I go to prove nothing now?

To no one

With no one

I don’t want to hear it

So I do have an infection

But it’s a real one

Not some humanoid concocted

I don’t feel like treating it

With my luck it’ll go away

Won’t even take me with it

Plenty of ugly people in the world and I had to decide I needed love

Or attention

Or friendship

If I could spend the rest of my life staying in one spot and never moving I would

If giving up was an option I’d merely cease to move

But this endless existing continues

Please don’t call it life

Or living

Neither have happened in a very long time

I wish I could say to the artists

You’re right

No one wants to help me.

I’m ugly

I’m sorry.

Of it makes you feel any better I haven’t stopped crying about it since yesterday

Theres nothing I can do about it

But it means I’m going to be alone forever doesn’t it?

I couldn’t even inherit the classic beauty of my mother or the beauty of my aunts.

I wish I was pretty

Pretty is what everyone else wants

Music is supposed to heal but it’s all about pretty wanted girls

I can’t relate

It’s not about me we established this

Just need to somehow have enough money to afford this minor surgery

aka

It’d be a major surgery because I’m ugly.

Not even Hedley can save me today

Music isn’t for ugly people

Astoria what are you doing here singing giving in to sickness when I’m just lying here

I don’t want to hear the guitar’s mournful cry echoing in the night as the response drips into the rippling emptiness

Trying to focus on something other than the joke that is my life

I went all the way to his house and he gave me one look and said

Ew

Go away

In the nicest way possible

If there was a sickness to give in to I would have done so on my way home with the man whispering obscenities on the bus

My mind wants to find solace in the

The something in the guitar

I remind it soberly drunkly that there is nothing for us there just as everywhere I have looked

Phantoms

Aka

This is what it’s like to have an ugly useless bitch in love with you

I’m sure

The whispering stopped being whispering when I heard him say it

Can’t let this ruin it

Can’t let this make any difference

What this?

This that is and always has been the theme of my life?

Am I pretty?

No.

Am I worth it?

No.

Is there any point to this besides the misery I’m sure whatever is this universe feeds on to exist

Perhaps it will finally fucking die when those within it are happy

The last sad thing will be like

Ah yes, I am at peace

And

Insert universe reverse noise here

Because that is the only fate I can see in a reality with the rules I’ve seen

As soon as anything seems to be going right

It’s a fucking lie

Or it’s a precursor to something worse

There is no inbetween

No good

Just a fucking hell hole I wish would collapse in on itself and be fucking done with it already.

It’s okay

I’ve seen myself in the mirror

I should have said

I should have said

I can’t blame you

I should have said

It’s okay

That’s what he said too

It’s okay

I’m used to hearing this

No

No

Nein

9

And then time ticks in and I think

I’m just getting older and uglier

So what are the chances?

They just become less and less

I’m ugly

I’ve looked in the mirror

I can’t blame you

I don’t have tits either as a consolation for how ugly I am it’s just this

It’s just this

This is all I am

And I hate myself more than you do