Elucidating Questions

I have the distinct feeling

This is gonna hurt some

And I know it’s true because I’m already crying

Over the words I wanted to be said being said to some

Pretty

Girl

Wandering around the forest

And I won’t

I won’t

I scream

I won’t wander the forest for you

I already did

You can’t make me

I already did

You woke me up for this?

And we’d been talking

It can’t be the 24th it’s a Sunday

Thank god

I can’t do this

I can’t do this please don’t make me do this

Only if I never go out I’ll never have to relive reliving his

Thoughts

It should be a dream this shouldn’t be real life

All those words no one says to me

Words wanted by the unwanted

Of all the people on the planet to be wanted to be wanted

By him and when it never happened it

Where for the wandering poet does the artist exist?

I’d rather not famous

I’d rather

It’s not a personality trait I didn’t realise it disqualified me

If only where only the lines were simple not intrinsically locked to the moon

I’ll only carry on broken and defeated because I have no other choice

He’s still singing about love lost and I’m still singing about love from the bleachers while the pretty people dance

Stop saying I look like a painting

Being some dead person’s idea of beauty doesn’t help with the present situation

Please don’t make me do it

I say goodbye because I want it to be goodbye

Don’t point fingers at the figure losing to the silence of the answer

Not to the cat or the moon or the dead of before

Who or what they we were

Who or what were we?

They don’t know the answer

But we can pretend

Now I know why you kept distracting me from him

When I went to go see

Because regardless of what I see from him I end up in tears

But I still want and need him

Yes

There’s the one

Who do you love just happens

Just happens like it does

Awake regardless of presence on media

Simply staring at the roof silently cursing the silence

I can’t escape this gravity

That when I try to leave I end up being pulled back in a twist of my own thoughts

Must go back and make sure he’s still

And he’s not but that doesn’t matter.

Couldn’t even just be friends.

When love doesn’t matter it jumps away and redirects

The redirection mirrors the lights

Nothing could catch the spark after the explosion

I love you

And when the wall is hit

Of course I can’t get away from you I revolve around you while revolving around the earth

Trying to escape through bursts to the places I’ll never ever be

I live in a universe where it’s more likely that a star billions of lightyears away loves me

Than the only one I can see

Your first mistake

I whisper in the dark

Was thinking that time passes the same

You and I

You say

It was last Friday

I say

That was two weeks ago

At least

You say we have this conversation every day

I say

Every day feels like a week to itself

When it’s starting to feel better I am afraid

Why is time moving faster than usual

Why is this now that

So it’s rather like a person whose never driven a standard before is driving my life

Lurching about

Hours and days don’t really relate anymore

Barely aware of what day it actually is

I’ll tell you

I don’t know how I get to work half the time

I’m surprised I only made one mistake like I did, showing up too early

I don’t know how I don’t forget what day things are supposed to happen

It’s a talent probably

You don’t understand how time passes or

Rather doesn’t

For me

You can’t understand how an hour becomes a day

Or a day becomes a week

I remember being able to remember things I couldn’t

But now I don’t even remember the simplest of things

It’s like my mind can’t hold on to them while I’m trying so hard to hold on

And you don’t understand that either

Because macho men don’t have feelings and acknowledging that emotions exist somehow is detrimental to your man status

Which I don’t understand

How do we live in the same world

Where’s the you with your exact everything but with feelings I’d like to meet him I’d

Rather just have one chance somewhere else but it’s all I’ve got

Don’t bother worrying about me because I

It won’t be you that kills me

It’ll be the silence.

The owl flies as the hawk stands over searching for the kill

Though the doe is dead there are words said for her

The waterfall trickles from nowhere

Seeking the ocean

And through the concrete jungle comes a line that never will be said

The answer to our life

Unsure where to find

And I prefer the Imagine Dragons Machine

To the Tragically Hip one.

As the gull flies

Tell me please tell me

Grey skies

Or don’t

I didn’t want to go there

Did you see me not going there?

Not much left of this playlist I’m making

Like there won’t be a bang that comes from the fallout of the true answer

Stand back and look at the hole that’s already there from the sheer volume of it

Merely a cover over the wound so thin the slightest truth could pierce it

Well except the thing with what he totally said

I like to believe I’ve prepared for the eventuality

Because I meant it when I said I would love him regardless

With disgust I admit

I have trouble justifying in myself that one person should have to feel as unworthy of love as I do

Anyone

Regardless

Jake being in jail is keeping me awake

Whether or not he is

I’m worrying in May

I guess we skip past my birthday

I hope we skip past my birthday

I want a pagoda style roof for my birthday

So far better to skip past the disappointment

I don’t think anyone could top the skate Yuzu didn’t do for me for my birthday.

I don’t think anyone would want to, after all he didn’t either.

Now for the impossible the possible

I want to see Arcturus for my birthday

No

I don’t want to see Apollo

Should I mention those who gather like beautiful lights?

I have no object permanence

So all I can do is apologise when the dark reaches up to swallow me again because I’m not discounting them

Why the fuck am I wearing my Trench coat?

I cannot believe she’s still in love with you

But the dreams haunt

Have you thought about the blue light who dares not speak your name?

Let me check the dreams

He’s there just

Just never there

The warden had a pet

But I can’t remember what it was

And I always end up running

It’s not a dream it’s a theme within a dream

I can’t write about Josh anymore because he won’t leave me alone to my solitude

But he also has nothing to do with me so who am I to write about a

Complete stranger

I can’t even ask him

Because I’m invisible and he doesn’t care

And I’ve loved him since I saw him dancing

But I can’t chase the continuation of a dream that doesn’t exist

Again and again

I think that lady liked my socks

Or not

Who knows

How can I open the eyes of sleeping beauty

And locked within the erasure of the memories is the knowledge that life is just too long

And I want to scream but you can’t hear me

I’m not gonna write you a love song because I’m incapable

Here and there a few lines woven

Of a one sided unimportant love

And when love is unimportant

What is there to sing but the lament?

I threw a wish in the well but you wouldn’t believe me if I tell so I just threw it away

But now I hate the day

And now

Well now I’m just pissed that the sweaters you sold at your concert are the same as the ones sold to workers by McDonald’s because they don’t want workers to be warm in winter in Canada for free

The only place I saw snow was in his domain and it didn’t stay now all it does is rain where do we refrain from the main problem and trickle into the others

And Apollo doesn’t understand why I don’t sing on the side of the road

And it’s grey out so I don’t have to look at his perfect face

And think of who I saw him in first.

I don’t understand it

You must not tell people you’re suicidal

You may disturb or upset them

Silent to the grave

Carrying your life in your hands

Hush now not a whisper

No one needs to know

And that is why people kill themselves

Truly you ask for the silent to cover up their need for help in order to protect the masses from

Discomfort

Not death, not self harm, not jumping off a cliff.

You’re making people uncomfortable so stop

This closed mind, closed eyes, closed heart, closed hand

Around the throat of the dying, hoping they will cease the words

I want to be dead

And you tell them

Keep it to yourself

Or you ignore them like you ignore bad behaviour from a dog

And I know that every human is as self centred as the next because all they ever experience is themselves,

But to say the life of another should be forfeited simply because you don’t feel comfortable hearing about it

So when the starving approach do you scuttle away thinking

Oh woe is me I’m

So uncomfortable

And the masses they gave silence to those dying of silence

And then were confused when the silent faded away into nothing

Sometimes I think

I wish I had died because they all deserve to have to deal with my suicide in their faces and unignorable

Because I kept telling them plain as day that I was trying to kill myself and they

They

But I’m the fool

I’m the one who shouldn’t make people uncomfortable with my suicidal thoughts

Because I’m the fool who never succeeded at it

And why

Is suicide a joke until someone succeeds?

I may as well be a laughing stalk because I know if anyone saw this they would simply say

A juvenile call for help

A whiny bitch

But if I succeeded I would be

Loved by all (a lie)

Missed (a lie)

And

If only there had been a sign

Besides the neon one which reads

If you leave me alone for too long I will die

That they scoff at as they walk on by

I wish I had succeeded

So that they could choke on their own air

Because I’m serious but it’s a joke until I succeed.

And I keep saying

I need somebody to talk to

And they keep replying

Well I don’t want to talk to you

You make me uncomfortable by being suicidal

And what is to be said by the person alone in a tiny room waiting for

The miracle that will make this

I need someone

But I’m unwanted

Because I need someone

Stuck in a whirlpool

Yanked into the undertow

It’ll be a joke somehow

I’ll die from being hit from a car or cancer or falling buildings

And it will be so sad

But no one will know I begged for it the night before

And no one will hear my cries

No one will know where the heart lies

Because if he knows he doesn’t care

And if he doesn’t I don’t believe he would

Because I don’t believe in good people anymore

A good person, perhaps.

But certainly not people.

It all just seems like

Look at me I’m so charitable

Which isn’t the point

Kind hearts don’t make a new story

Or tell suicidal people to shut up with their silence.