Elucidating Questions

Once, when I was in Brownies

There was a misunderstanding

The leaders prepared pudding with Oreo dusting and filled with gummy worms

They stuck a stem of mint in it, to give the pots the look of containing a plant

To create a reaction when the leaders started eating what appeared to ten year olds to be dirt

I had become excited at the idea of raising this plant

And when I found out it was dead, and dessert

I cried

When I returned from work yesterday my wonderful upstairs neighbour and landlord had left me a treat from her son’s party

We had been thinking about that plant

We laughed while enjoying the dessert we hadn’t been able to nearly two decades earlier

While sitting on the floor of our kitchen far away from any friends or leaders or my mother who was one of the leaders

If only for a minute

We were happy all alone

The doe is dead

The sun rays dripping orange not gold

Me died too

Far away

So far away

And you lala about long lost

Tipping over the

Tripping over the

Tell me something I actually wanted to hear and maybe I’d be happy

But I don’t deserve that

I’m convinced I’ve said something terrible and unforgivable

I don’t know what that is though

So goodnight you

Does it matter?

I don’t have anything I’d particularly like to replace this hole with

I don’t know if there’s anything that could be said worth saying

Falling silent into my own silence

There’s nothing to be saved here

Just the desolate remains of my love that didn’t reach far enough

I feel like the one watching from the outside

The cup says

Music lovers know the score

I don’t

Who’s winning?

I stopped looking when I settled into my last place where I stay because I can’t compete

If I’m in last place I have no enemies

And no one to step on

And the love lost lays dying

Or dead

It dies forever

Endless death

There’s nothing left to find here

Not without him

Don’t speak

Keeps not odd

Non nights

No sound

The drip

Don’t speak

Because you’re

A coward

Don’t want to open my mouth to look stupid

Keeping it shut to prolong the silence

Because he taught me well the silence

The emptiness that follows each exclamation

I love you

I need you

I want to see you

I need you

Did you hear me?

Did you…

Keeping it shut to ensure that such things will never leave.

Never leave.

Just please don’t leave.

Please.

I don’t know what I want to hear anymore

I don’t understand the question

Today is in the park I guess.

I can’t seem to get away.

Yeah he does

I wanna be in another place

I want to hear all the things I have to hear to make sure he never gives light to me expecting anything back again

I don’t know I don’t really like the rapping people but it’s okay

You don’t have to understand I’m not talking to you

I don’t want to have to think of words I’d rather hear while hearing all the pieces about how terrible this is

I am

Don’t you understand that the only reason it’s this bad is because you