Elucidating Questions

I hate when my brain does this to me.

I’m stuck in a loop on a loop.

There’s only one track playing it’s on repeat

What if I’m just putting too much faith in someone again?

When has our ability to trust ever led to an acceptable outcome?

What if we’re wrong

What if we’re wrong

And he did do it.

He said he didn’t but people lie.

People lie and there’s no reason for them to lie so if this is acceptable as a reason then why wouldn’t he?

We’re wrong about everything else

Well not everything but it feels like it

I just wish I knew I knew like I used to I don’t feel like I know anything anymore.

It feels like it.

Earthquake

Please Jake

Please let me be right about you

Of all the things I wanted to be right about this

If not then

Then I don’t really know what’s left of 2019

In a night sky where all I can see clearly is Sirius

I whisper

They’re too far away

And the following fumbling silence

Like, did they really say that?

How many lightyears?

To be said

Truthfully

But it couldn’t possibly be that fast

But I love them both and they shine so bright

Can I pretend they were made for me to have but not to keep?

How do I say thank you for a billions year long existence

They say it’s enough

They say we don’t need to be reminded how old we are

Aunt and Uncle

I just don’t know if it’s appropriate to have hope I’m so used to life dropping me as

Terror becomes cautious optimism

Just as I think I can fill my lungs with air

Yes

Maybe just there to remind me that some stars have two.

Spinning around eachother until one day they consume eachother and become something new

Maybe I’m afraid to become something new because something old has faded from blue into a colour of grey I never knew I never knew

It’s like you try to build yourself up and this

This face we’ve all created this

Voice of the masses that rings in our heads just

Doesn’t come on quiet it comes on like a sledgehammer to the face

So simple a thought as

I feel pretty today

Turns into an hour long battle with the face inside that does not want you to believe you’re beautiful and worthy

Every time something happens I want to ask if it’s a proceed with caution yellow or orange or a proceed, but also with caution, green or blue

And if I’m still sitting in the backseat saying

Love will tear us apart

Help me piece it all together darling

I hate this part right here

Where I know I need another who can reaffirm the affirmations that so quickly become a whisper under the stream of consciousness

And the weight of life on Earth.

How I hope to find you tugging on the end of the string and hoping it doesn’t lead me far far away from here

So far away

Gwyddyn

Sometimes my mind teaches me languages before I know them

Odd I know

Do I take it and love it?

Not ordinarily

Apollo you called me mundane

Did you really think a sunset would fix it all at once?

We go through these moments

Where I wonder how long I can hold a grudge against a ball of fire

While cheating on him with other balls of fire

Conversation just to keep the mind awake

Every plane

いってらしゃい

After all

I want to go home

But maybe I can start here for now.

Born at the pole

She stretches her brittle fingertips across the land

In her reach the frozen cold

As her arms embrace the earth into ice

Shattering as the curs’ed warmth fights back her reach grows shorter

Shorter

In her death throes she cries

My job is not done

I have not held her large enough long enough

Her spread body over the body of her visited mistress

I need more time

She cries as Time looks back and winks silently

The ocean spins

Please

She begs in the reach of the infernal trees as they mock her dying cries by blossoming in her face

And every time she comes she grows shorter

Less

She’s dying

She’s my favourite and she’s dying

Watching her stretch as far as she can

Then dissipate

And I can do nothing to help her

Winter oh Winter

Wherefore art thou?

And why must you die like everyone else?

No one owes me time, friendship

Those things I gave away without asking what their value was.

Worthless, I am.

No one owes me proximity

Hours

Hours and hours and it’s

It is how it is

So stop crying

I had a dream I saw an owl in a tree

The blue light flickered in and out never quite there

I woke up

Now what is this?

This again.

This place

I should be grateful and happy and not complain because I have a home and a job

They took winter away from me

I was forced to help simply by existing

The blood of my favourite is on my hands too

Why am I still here

I think I’m going to throw up

There is no parting only being alone is such

Empty endless nothing to spend the day trying to make it go away only to find there’s another to follow

Endless hopeless wishings that go unheard without the well to listen even if it did they fire back like missiles like bullets like an arrow shot from afar

Don’t tempt me into hope that doesn’t exist

What could be a more frightening thing than

Knowing even a hope is just the silence winking back

Watching the disappearing back of

A friend?

They don’t last long

I can’t fit the label on it’s a lie

Friendship never ends

Is a lie

It just does

You just disappear

You’re just not important enough to be seen

Recognised

Or a cursory message

But that’s it

That’s what you get.

Welcome to the digital age may you never see anyone again because it’s just so much more convenient to

Hi

<“Conversation”>

Bye

Than be in the same room as you just don’t take it personally

Everyone else likes it you’re the problem

You’re the problem

Why are you crying?

You’re the fucking problem.

I want to go home

I whisper to myself still not knowing where that is

The running joke since 14

I want to go home

Where is it? Where did it go? How did I lose it?

How many one more chances does love need before

Nevermind I can’t imagine it anymore

I can’t imagine anything but sitting here alone for hours

Anything else

Imagine this

I get dressed up and go to a

Bar?

Club?

A place I’ve never been before

And sit alone for several hours and then come home

Isn’t it better to just be disappointed in the night before it happens

I’m invisible

I’m inviting the universe to hit me with a space boulder or something

I wish I could just die without having to go through excruciating pain first

Effort

Just to torture myself to death

No

It’s better not to go out and see all the people not seeing me and enjoying themselves without me I don’t belong anywhere

I’m terrified

That everything that has happened

Will just happen again

I think he just got it

The roll of laughter like a heat heard

The way the messenger snorted

Duh

Don’t fault me this one pride of mine held tight and silent

Of course he grumbled

Well would you rather odd?

I’d rather you call me even now

The sunset was gorgeous

And strange

And right up my alley

Literally I suppose

It’s war or something else anyways

Don’t ask because I can’t tell you

Why my only friends are balls

Maybe I’m more dog than I thought.