Elucidating Questions

I don’t understand it

You must not tell people you’re suicidal

You may disturb or upset them

Silent to the grave

Carrying your life in your hands

Hush now not a whisper

No one needs to know

And that is why people kill themselves

Truly you ask for the silent to cover up their need for help in order to protect the masses from

Discomfort

Not death, not self harm, not jumping off a cliff.

You’re making people uncomfortable so stop

This closed mind, closed eyes, closed heart, closed hand

Around the throat of the dying, hoping they will cease the words

I want to be dead

And you tell them

Keep it to yourself

Or you ignore them like you ignore bad behaviour from a dog

And I know that every human is as self centred as the next because all they ever experience is themselves,

But to say the life of another should be forfeited simply because you don’t feel comfortable hearing about it

So when the starving approach do you scuttle away thinking

Oh woe is me I’m

So uncomfortable

And the masses they gave silence to those dying of silence

And then were confused when the silent faded away into nothing

Sometimes I think

I wish I had died because they all deserve to have to deal with my suicide in their faces and unignorable

Because I kept telling them plain as day that I was trying to kill myself and they

They

But I’m the fool

I’m the one who shouldn’t make people uncomfortable with my suicidal thoughts

Because I’m the fool who never succeeded at it

And why

Is suicide a joke until someone succeeds?

I may as well be a laughing stalk because I know if anyone saw this they would simply say

A juvenile call for help

A whiny bitch

But if I succeeded I would be

Loved by all (a lie)

Missed (a lie)

And

If only there had been a sign

Besides the neon one which reads

If you leave me alone for too long I will die

That they scoff at as they walk on by

I wish I had succeeded

So that they could choke on their own air

Because I’m serious but it’s a joke until I succeed.

And I keep saying

I need somebody to talk to

And they keep replying

Well I don’t want to talk to you

You make me uncomfortable by being suicidal

And what is to be said by the person alone in a tiny room waiting for

The miracle that will make this

I need someone

But I’m unwanted

Because I need someone

Stuck in a whirlpool

Yanked into the undertow

It’ll be a joke somehow

I’ll die from being hit from a car or cancer or falling buildings

And it will be so sad

But no one will know I begged for it the night before

And no one will hear my cries

No one will know where the heart lies

Because if he knows he doesn’t care

And if he doesn’t I don’t believe he would

Because I don’t believe in good people anymore

A good person, perhaps.

But certainly not people.

It all just seems like

Look at me I’m so charitable

Which isn’t the point

Kind hearts don’t make a new story

Or tell suicidal people to shut up with their silence.

I hate when my brain does this to me.

I’m stuck in a loop on a loop.

There’s only one track playing it’s on repeat

What if I’m just putting too much faith in someone again?

When has our ability to trust ever led to an acceptable outcome?

What if we’re wrong

What if we’re wrong

And he did do it.

He said he didn’t but people lie.

People lie and there’s no reason for them to lie so if this is acceptable as a reason then why wouldn’t he?

We’re wrong about everything else

Well not everything but it feels like it

I just wish I knew I knew like I used to I don’t feel like I know anything anymore.

It feels like it.

Earthquake

Please Jake

Please let me be right about you

Of all the things I wanted to be right about this

If not then

Then I don’t really know what’s left of 2019

In a night sky where all I can see clearly is Sirius

I whisper

They’re too far away

And the following fumbling silence

Like, did they really say that?

How many lightyears?

To be said

Truthfully

But it couldn’t possibly be that fast

But I love them both and they shine so bright

Can I pretend they were made for me to have but not to keep?

How do I say thank you for a billions year long existence

They say it’s enough

They say we don’t need to be reminded how old we are

Aunt and Uncle

I just don’t know if it’s appropriate to have hope I’m so used to life dropping me as

Terror becomes cautious optimism

Just as I think I can fill my lungs with air

Yes

Maybe just there to remind me that some stars have two.

Spinning around eachother until one day they consume eachother and become something new

Maybe I’m afraid to become something new because something old has faded from blue into a colour of grey I never knew I never knew

It’s like you try to build yourself up and this

This face we’ve all created this

Voice of the masses that rings in our heads just

Doesn’t come on quiet it comes on like a sledgehammer to the face

So simple a thought as

I feel pretty today

Turns into an hour long battle with the face inside that does not want you to believe you’re beautiful and worthy

Every time something happens I want to ask if it’s a proceed with caution yellow or orange or a proceed, but also with caution, green or blue

And if I’m still sitting in the backseat saying

Love will tear us apart

Help me piece it all together darling

I hate this part right here

Where I know I need another who can reaffirm the affirmations that so quickly become a whisper under the stream of consciousness

And the weight of life on Earth.

How I hope to find you tugging on the end of the string and hoping it doesn’t lead me far far away from here

So far away

Gwyddyn

Sometimes my mind teaches me languages before I know them

Odd I know

Do I take it and love it?

Not ordinarily

Apollo you called me mundane

Did you really think a sunset would fix it all at once?

We go through these moments

Where I wonder how long I can hold a grudge against a ball of fire

While cheating on him with other balls of fire

Conversation just to keep the mind awake

Every plane

いってらしゃい

After all

I want to go home

But maybe I can start here for now.

Born at the pole

She stretches her brittle fingertips across the land

In her reach the frozen cold

As her arms embrace the earth into ice

Shattering as the curs’ed warmth fights back her reach grows shorter

Shorter

In her death throes she cries

My job is not done

I have not held her large enough long enough

Her spread body over the body of her visited mistress

I need more time

She cries as Time looks back and winks silently

The ocean spins

Please

She begs in the reach of the infernal trees as they mock her dying cries by blossoming in her face

And every time she comes she grows shorter

Less

She’s dying

She’s my favourite and she’s dying

Watching her stretch as far as she can

Then dissipate

And I can do nothing to help her

Winter oh Winter

Wherefore art thou?

And why must you die like everyone else?

No one owes me time, friendship

Those things I gave away without asking what their value was.

Worthless, I am.

No one owes me proximity

Hours

Hours and hours and it’s

It is how it is

So stop crying

I had a dream I saw an owl in a tree

The blue light flickered in and out never quite there

I woke up

Now what is this?

This again.

This place

I should be grateful and happy and not complain because I have a home and a job

They took winter away from me

I was forced to help simply by existing

The blood of my favourite is on my hands too

Why am I still here

I think I’m going to throw up

There is no parting only being alone is such

Empty endless nothing to spend the day trying to make it go away only to find there’s another to follow

Endless hopeless wishings that go unheard without the well to listen even if it did they fire back like missiles like bullets like an arrow shot from afar

Don’t tempt me into hope that doesn’t exist

What could be a more frightening thing than

Knowing even a hope is just the silence winking back

Watching the disappearing back of

A friend?

They don’t last long

I can’t fit the label on it’s a lie

Friendship never ends

Is a lie

It just does

You just disappear

You’re just not important enough to be seen

Recognised

Or a cursory message

But that’s it

That’s what you get.

Welcome to the digital age may you never see anyone again because it’s just so much more convenient to

Hi

<“Conversation”>

Bye

Than be in the same room as you just don’t take it personally

Everyone else likes it you’re the problem

You’re the problem

Why are you crying?

You’re the fucking problem.

I want to go home

I whisper to myself still not knowing where that is

The running joke since 14

I want to go home

Where is it? Where did it go? How did I lose it?

How many one more chances does love need before

Nevermind I can’t imagine it anymore

I can’t imagine anything but sitting here alone for hours

Anything else

Imagine this

I get dressed up and go to a

Bar?

Club?

A place I’ve never been before

And sit alone for several hours and then come home

Isn’t it better to just be disappointed in the night before it happens

I’m invisible

I’m inviting the universe to hit me with a space boulder or something

I wish I could just die without having to go through excruciating pain first

Effort

Just to torture myself to death

No

It’s better not to go out and see all the people not seeing me and enjoying themselves without me I don’t belong anywhere

I’m terrified

That everything that has happened

Will just happen again