Elucidating Questions

The fear isn’t even

The fear isn’t even the death

It’s wondering about what could or couldn’t come afterwards

Just the nothing

The nothing

Imagining it I throw myself three points higher

The nothing

Because this feels like nothing but it’s broken up by

Nothing’s changed at all

It’s broken up by the sun and the wind and the sky and the stars and all I can see and cannot see

Does anyone want to tell the brain that thinking in different centres when it’s already the centre

It’s a spell of some sort

It’s a spell for some reason

And it makes no sense

It makes no sense to be

Being

What being is

Infinite possibilities from the start and this is where it lands

That’s the second shut up and kiss

Someone

I guess you did kind of borrow it

This is why I need you Hermes

Because the idea of not the end but the post-end

I just give in

Do I just give in?

The sun hates the question

Why?

There’s an irony to the anxiety

Laying awake until 3

Trying to explain to my body that I’m not going to die today

When my brain suddenly becomes scared of it.

Suddenly like at three in the morning I actually care if I live or die

It’s fine I was just tired I got over it

And woke up

Then remembered how much nothing I contributed to

And I just want to die

It’s almost better if it was a spider that crawled across my neck just then

I know

I just hate how it sounds

Pain is a dull burn in comparison

Compassion not love

Compassion not love

Humans are so strange

They can’t even understand dogs

Dearly Beloved started playing as the sun peaked from behind the building and I felt his first touch on my shoulder

And I’d been doing so well with ignoring him

And the wind is cold but he is warm

Which means one thing only

I don’t need to say everything I said before I know

No I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them per se I just think it’s strange.

But I can only think that when I’m outside

And even though she does that I can’t let it just be because we don’t know why

I don’t know what I’ve been trying to be lately

You don’t want to be compassionate

You’re such a brat

Maybe he’s just behind

Don’t cry

Why are you crying?

Who’s crying?

I am but then I started hearing someone else

So I don’t want him to cry

It’s okay whoever it is

It’s okay I’m with you

Why is the soldier crying

Oh love I’m here and I love you

Whatever it is I love you

Please don’t be all alone

Whoever

Wherever

I’m with you

If only the eyes would shut and time would flow by without the eyes seeing it

Where the mind wouldn’t wander and the heart wouldn’t

Simply wouldn’t

No wishing for turns or a better hand

No folding no giving up no nothingness to swallow all that is made

Awareness as painful as the eyes seeing the unseen

Yearning that pulls in directions and places that were never for me

Be it the uneven footing or the hole awaiting the jump

What is love?

Untasted untried.

No stories of the closeness or the understanding only the wreckage of what was before in this life

And the endless road to follow

Being silenced because the face is hideous

And the self is useless to others as is

And over there on the hill where there is a life worth living

The words that were immediately blocked and the urge to go check

When all that is after is the pain of it never being sung back

No one wants to know how this ugly heart sings

No one

No one

Not the one

The only one left who can break the spell sitting with disinterest

Plucking away at feathers, pulling off tails and breaking necks.

The ravens are calling

So that the one who could have broken the spell has a voice in the day to remind that

Rather than do anything at all doing nothing is far more important simply because over on the hill

Is something far better

Than what is held in the arms of the hideous seer

Pointless

Meaningless

Annoying

Awake in the pointless day

Asleep in the meaningless dreams

There has to be something more

All I have is time wasting

Pointless meaningless annoying time wasting

Oh and there he is again

Just there

For no reason but attempted light torture

How many more days before life becomes worth living?

I’ve never experienced romance

Could I just die instead of having it dangled infront of me with no way to get it

I don’t want to be where the people are anymore I want to live under the sea

No not in the sea

Under it

The best part is when I have helpful little thoughts like

I’m going to live my entire life without meeting him

Ànd here I was thinking I’d started the day without crying for once.