Elucidating Questions

So many times I’ve held my tongue

Only for the swipes of the Cat to set ablaze the wrong person

Corrosive wit

So angry and so wrong about where to put it

You who comes to collect me when I’m strewn to pieces within myself only to wreck everything you come into contact with

Triggered is a word for it

If I had any control

Words so alien I read them back and don’t know how they could have come from me

Words I can’t remember spoken

Truly they are just beyond the surface

But if I reach in too far I become him

I’d say I’m sorry but I’m not

They never have our back

The only person who has my back is me

And the only person who has our back is me

Can’t trust the bunny to have its own back

So what if they meet cruelty for not standing by?

I detest the silence that pervades when things happen and no one is on our side

Even with voices screaming there’s still the silence of unsaid words

A whiff of cowardice

The stench

This will not be a sappy quest for forgiveness when we are never forgiven

You are just as scared as I am

You’re just stupid

Stupid gets us in trouble

I need that on a shirt

Am I not also the coward?

Hiding so many words in my mind that it bursts with a dark side like the Moon

Ablaze when it faces the Sun

Silent elsewise

Not many people get to be the Sun

Exhausting

You are

Being you is

I wonder how many times I held my tongue while other people didn’t?

I wonder how many times I held it so tight that another me came out and left destruction in his wake?

I never know whether I should be held responsible for things I didn’t did say

I was holding him in so well

Rage leaves me shaking

Is it my rage?

I know my eyes are dry from my tears

The last thing I remember is having control wrested from me like a controller in a game again

Where do I go when I don’t have it?

I’m so tired of being awoken by a crash of breath and tears to

Clean up another mess I allegedly made

Who is I, I wonder?

The Sun is setting

One sec gonna play games with the setting Sun

I wonder if I let myself say what I want to say would I still lose myself in rushing rapids and premature ejaculations of anger?

It remember watching someone go down rapids in a tube once and they went around a corner and suddenly the tube was flying through the air

That’s what it’s like it’s like I’m on the tube going through the rapids

And then the tube is on land suddenly and it’s insulting everyone in sight

Or something

What are you?

Why are you here?

I am so tired all the time

It feels like I’m carrying the weight of the world at all times

I want history to undo itself

For thousands of years of struggle and pain under the rich folk to be stopped before it started

All just a sick little song and dance while they play

More, more, more

And they think I’m taking too much

But there’s a trillionaire

That shouldn’t be a word

I wish it would burst already

The squeeze is only bothering those who didn’t have enough air to begin with

It’s just more people are realising that they don’t have enough

They don’t realise it was never enough and that it was never going to be enough in their quest for more

Pacified people

Content to consume content

I can’t feel calm

Calm was a me long ago

I disproved the “if you die in your dreams you die in real life” thing the other night

I dreamt I was in a dining room with some people

And then there was a collective gasp from people looking out the window

And then I saw rockets falling and one hit into the house through what I recognised as the kitchen

And it blew up

And I just felt this resigned sadness

As fire engulfed me

It was fucked up and I can’t stop reliving it

The difference between the “peace” I observe and the war I saw is luck of the draw

Someone else could have just as easily been sitting in this seat while I was in a warzone

Circumstance

War should be obsolete

The exploitation of the populace

So that a village of people can have a good time

You expect me to believe one person can produce enough worth in society to be worth billions of times more than the rest of the population?

They called me The Fool but at least

At least come up with something good to fool me with

People say I need help

Meanwhile it’s apparently acceptable enough to be worth billions more that the people haven’t just divested themselves of him

I read all these dystopian novels in my teens

I always wondered what could have possibly happened that humanity would allow this

How could they have come to live in pod cities with a super computer running their lives?

How did they get to the point where everyone lived in primly managed communities with no contact with the outside world?

Being exterminated in their “old age” because they were no longer useful?

But this world would see its first trillionaire elected head of the Earth and they’d still go to work just like the day before

It’s like they’re hypnotised by society

Being one person sucks

Being completely ineffectual sucks

I want them all to eat like poor people for a year before we kick them off the iceberg into the frozen seas

Humanity may be the cancer on this Earth at the moment but it could be the caretaker

I’m so sick of people acting like it has to be this way

Universe of infinite possibilities where we can leave our planet and go to the Moon, but daren’t we take care of our populace before hand

It truly astounds me what humans are capable of and what they refuse to be capable of

It boggles my mind the heights humanity will reach and what it refuses to reach for

Yes, we can sustain life in space

No, we can’t sustain life on our planet

Extraordinary

There was a woman staring and laughing at me on the bus the other day

It could be any number of things

I wear a mask because I am immunocompromised

I have plushie keychains on my walker because having a walker at 33 was awful and they make it better

I have half my head shaved because I use that as my non-binary hair style

I don’t shave my legs because fuck that and I don’t want to end up unconscious in the shower

Tonnes of things about me scream “different”

And I tried so hard to ignore it even though she was making a huge show of it

But my alarm bells where going, I felt threatened

And something often happens on the bus

It’s amazing how people who are allegedly adults act like teenagers at school at any given moment

Something goes against their narrow world view and suddenly it’s something to ridicule

I carry plushies around at home

Sometimes I sit on the deck and vape with a plush under my arm

It started out as me being so starved for affection I needed it

Then I realised they calm my insane nervous system

And then I realised they’re fancy pillows and I can use them to cushion my outside chair’s armrest

Like it started with some desperation but they actually play a key role in my brain calming tf down and not getting bruises from leaning on myself or other things

But I’m unfortunately surrounded by other people and have a shared backyard and the stares

I think people put a lot more meaning in my plushies than I do

And the masking thing

People are just rude and I’m almost afraid to pull my mask out on the bus because people treat you differently when you wear one

Meanwhile I am just trying to protect myself from being knocked on my ass or worse just because I went outside

The antimaskers now think it’s appropriate to ask people why they’re wearing a mask

And I just feel scared

I feel scared of every interaction where someone is staring me down because I feel threatened

I don’t know what they’re capable of

And I know what other people in my life have been capable of.

I don’t know how to defeat anxiety

Every time I go out I feel unsafe

And I don’t know how other people just casually go about their day when murderers walk among us

I just can’t forget how dangerous people can be

Any of them at any moment

It’s hard enough living with other people who are my family

I hate thinking that living in isolation would be better than this, but people’s energy is just so frenetic these days it’s like everyone is one second from popping

I spent my entire childhood trying to stop explosions before they happened and now everyone is an explosion waiting to happen

Woe

Having enough trouble keeping my own explosion in check

I think people think that because I act differently I want attention when that can’t be further from the truth

I’m just not willing to compromise on stupid “adult rules” that go unspoken but protected like precious things

They’re mostly stupid, arbitrary crap that was created by the wealthy to trick the poor into accepting that life is dull and has no worth

I’m not going to conform with rules that don’t serve me

Simple as that

If other people breaking the rule could harm me in some way I’ll obviously follow it but stupid things like “plushies are for children” and “wearing a mask makes you a sheep/snowflake whatever”

That shit doesn’t serve me and reeks of propaganda

I do what I want

Selfish pacifist style

What if there is no judgement in the afterlife from others, it all comes from ourselves?

What if we dive back into life thinking “I’ll do better this time” over and over

What if some just love life and come back again and again?

What if others stay in the safety of the afterlife because of what life did to them?

What if they cautiously try again?

I don’t believe souls come from nothing

I believe they are something we cannot even fathom

That life beyond life is so different we can’t even imagine it

It pains me that any poor soul who spins the wheel of life and ends up on this planet is 95% likely to end up struggling

We should usher born souls into the world and make it as worth it as possible

Some say you choose what happens to you in your life

I don’t think so

I think we signed a contract saying anything could happen

Maybe it was a deal

I want this to be a place that welcomes and cares for all souls

But we seem to be running her into the ground

And so what if there are billions of other Earths out there

Or Earthlike places anyways

We shouldn’t destroy this one

Abundance doesn’t cheapen

In anything but a capitalistic mindset

Some day I want to know where the Milky Way goes

I want to know what the Sun becomes

Some day I want to meet the Universe face to face and ask all those questions I never get answers for

I hope peace finds every soul

I’m still having trouble understanding why life isn’t inherently selfish

I don’t know if this is my first or maybe my 1000th life

I just know I want to go to a place where I am safe and so is everyone else.

Sometimes the scariest part of living is admitting that this is real life

Among the silly thought processes I try not to feed into

The desperate want for things to be easily solvable

As if there’s an on off switch

It can’t be real right?

Whatever my brain cooks up is probably kinder than reality

And every once in a while

To breathe the air I breach the sea of insanity and face it

That this reality is more than I will ever be able to comprehend

That humans are capable of such terrible acts

That things are cruel

Facing that I am terrified of this world every single day

That I can’t handle this reality and I don’t know why

But I also don’t know why other people can handle it

I wonder if my life would be different if I wasn’t disabled

If I’d still have that ability to erase the horrors of humanity

It’s fine when it’s a fantasy but finding out it’s all based on real things just takes the fun out of it

Except it didn’t for so many people

My ability to cause harm makes me want to isolate away from people

Others don’t seem phased by the fact that no matter what they do to be agreeable someone will take offense to them

My neighbours terrify me

I miss having a private backyard

Now dozens of people could be watching at any moment

So uncomfortable

I hate being perceived because it’s dangerous

It makes me nervous

But I love wearing colour and I’m visibly alternative just in a colours way

Having a walker doesn’t help either

People stare all the time

I wish I could live in a forest somewhere

And not die spectacularly

I don’t know why it has to all be so complicated

I want to go to a world where things are simpler than this

They don’t tell you how unfulfilling it is to live with chronic illness

They just diagnose you

They don’t tell you that none of the medications that could help are covered provincially

They just prescribe you them

They don’t tell you PWD doesn’t cover enough to live independently

They just evaluate you and determine your eligibility

They don’t tell you you’ll spend the rest of your life seeing people online who think you’re worth less than they give you

They just do nothing to try to sway public opinion in your favour

They don’t tell you you’ll feel like a burden and other people will reinforce it

They just do the tests to see if you are one

Medication is supposed to help but instead it blows holes in your wallet

PWD is supposed to help but instead it pays thousands below the poverty line

Diagnosis was supposed to help but in a world that diagnoses you and then feeds you to the wolves

What help is it to know what’s wrong with you?

A thousand reasons why this life isn’t fair and not one solution to make it fair

It’s like we internalised the cruelty of nature and felt the need to magnify it

The times I’ve walked past restaurants with enticing smells with less than a dollar in my bank and hunger pangs adding to the cruelty of food I would never eat

Wondering what it’s like to sit in a world full of houses but none of them are for you

Blessed to have a home that may actually be steady for the first time in 15 years

No one told me it would be the home I came from in the first place because I wouldn’t be able to afford rent elsewhere

Aware there’s a certain sick luck in it being there

I just wanted life to be worth living

I wouldn’t be able to answer if you asked me if it is

Some moments I feel like it is

Others I feel dragged down into the moment that is my life after life without chronic illness

There’s no telling what I could do if I hadn’t been stopped in my tracks

Now I’m sponging off the government

It’s really hard to see other disabled creators have the worst things said to them

Because I know people think that about me too

I wish I wasn’t so pressured by other people’s opinions

I wish life was more kind to people

I wish my efforts before I became this way had culminated in me being able to support myself

I wish the fact that I worked myself into this condition counted for something

That I gave so much of myself to my jobs that I now have nothing left to give

But it doesn’t

And no one told me that would be the case