Elucidating Questions

Life sucks

And the part that makes me the most mad about it is that we made it suck

Here we are, all us crazy individuals, to cause problems amongst eachother with our differences and sameness but we don’t like it when you do it

Here we are, promised a finite moment in this Universe on one single floating diamond.

And we said, you know? It’s not awful enough

Let’s have credit scores, and rape, and paedophilia, and racism, and homophobia, let’s have forced labour, conditional acceptance, and let’s just fuck over disabled people

Make it so if you don’t provide our society with what we deemed, before your birth, you owed, you suffer endlessly

Not just petty arguments

We said, you know? I don’t think we kill eachother well enough let’s make it more lethal and less humane

Let’s grow globally, not by working together and making life worth living, but with guns and force and shame and slavery

And people then go and say things like “that’s how the world is” as if this was always destined

Unstoppable

Predetermined

Not as if we’re living in a world where the bad guys won over and over and over and then?

We discovered the people running the planet are a global paedophile ring and we do nothing

No strikes. To unwillingness to feed the beast of child rape

Just the same old same old

Jesus could actually be born again, front page news

And all these people would still go to work like it was just another day

They say I’m over emotional

I’m half convinced I’m a better version because all of you are walking around going about your day like child rapists don’t run the world

Fucking react to something for god’s sake

Would it take a nuke going off by your head?

Would it take that split second before your body is dust to make you react?

It’s not fine

Nothing is fine

I wish I was some holy being so I could see this and decide it’s not worth it

Reality was a mistake

Not because the Universe is inherently cruel but because humanity is

And all these “Christians” so obsessed with going to hell

I gesture wildly around and say “are we not there yet?”

As sirens now wail in the distance, no doubt going to yet another drug overdose by some poor person society forgot

Have we not arrived?

None of you do anything

You’re tortured daily and you like it

I’m not going to fall in line and calmly accept that life is hell

Because it shouldn’t be, and someone down the line may have a better life because I never shut up

Life is something we should cherish

But we don’t

Saying goodbye is always like breathing out and never breathing back in

Their scent, their voice, their smile, their presence

The air changes

It is never the same again

It always confounded me, the ability for the world around me to go on like nothing had happened

Everything from 9/11 to my sister dying

Seeing life continue was the old definition of queer

Man I wish that word hadn’t been ruined by homophobes, it has a different connotation than weird

It was queer like everything seemed slightly wrong

Like a nightmare come alive

Like, should people not be reacting?

And, granted, with my sister, no one else knew

My grief was simply so great it encapsulated the real world and turned it uncomfortable, and wrong

But I wish we took mourning seriously in this society

I wish we joined in mourning with people when elders died, when young people were lost

I wish it wasn’t at the most one brief mention in the paper

I wish we felt loss like a community

That we understood that every life graced upon this dirt was so precious that any life lost is worth mourning

Yes, even the ones who did terrible things

And I’ll tell you why

A life gone wrong is a life that caused disruption and pain in others

A life that has gone wrong is a mirror of the society that created the person that wanted to go wrong in the first place

We should mourn them

We created them

That is a life lost in a time before their death

It’s hard to watch others go through loss

I never feel like I have enough emotions

Not for lack of them

But if we all went through loss together, maybe we’d remember more people throughout history.

Maybe there wouldn’t be some billion billion lives lost to the sands of time because no one cared

I wish we cared about life

I wouldn’t mind if yesterday faded into the same obscurity of any other day the internet decided to play antagonist in my life

I don’t have enough energy for this shit

I’m not interested in people who can’t accept criticism of bad actions

Largely I’d like to remain in complete obscurity

There’s an artistic glint to how I’m on display and yet completely invisible

I’m not meant to be noticed

Anxiety is such a bitch

And I do things to put myself in anxious situations

I honestly don’t know how you do the silent observer thing, it’s

I just want to be left to my world

As fucked as it is

It’s a lot less fucked when other people aren’t in it

Expect silence after this there’s nothing to process beyond the occasional thing

I’m poor and in pain and traumatized and the world is fucked up

No amount of me telling my story is going to change that

Not right now anyway

That was it right?

Not letting other people write my story

But there’s no story to tell

I play video games all day constantly running from the existential boredom the reality of that creates

I don’t want to be visible

I want to fade into the void of the internet

Hoping I’m at least relevant enough that some AI will accidentally stumble upon my casual theft and commit casual theft

Not really

Fuck those things

It would be nice if someone knew me

But who knows

I wish I had a few less troubles beyond this dumb box though

My Dad is sick

There’s a whole bunch of emotions there that I’m not ready to think about yet

Having gone from estranged to living with him

Life is wild and terrifying

I wish it could be wild and beautiful instead

In the middle of no where

Just

Less than whatever the hell this is

Oof this headache is making words feel like concrete slabs

Back to disappearing into fantasy because reality is a bust

As the resident insane person,

I declare that today was insane

In the bad way

There are good ways to be insane, of course

Plenty of perfectly fine people have been completely insane

Insanity is not a measure of morality

Not that I’m claiming I’m one of the perfectly fine insane people or anything

Ugh, you’re really gonna make me deal with this aren’t you?

Curse my moral compass that always points just shy of right

Trying not to dread words that haven’t been said

Not like I haven’t been abused enough

Let’s just set off another insane person , this one has a hive mind!

The peculiar thing sets off a nest of hornets

Sorry me

I’m so close to 3600

Perhaps the Universe is demanding letters from me again

Oh, no, you stopped creating

That goes against the deal

The deal that totally doesn’t exist

Better create some mental anguish that isn’t your dad dying so you’ll write

You know maybe I’m not the peculiar thing, maybe you are

I’m the totally normal one in the situation

Yeah I couldn’t say that with a straight face either

I have so much more to worry about than a bunch of internet copy and pastes

Just try to sleep

Haha, of its own

How about this

If he’s not in my dreams tonight

I’ll wake up knowing I was wrong

If he is, it’s just another day in this crazy god damn Universe

Man, what a mess

And, like, I’m a mess

Don’t need any more nor anyone’s more mess thank you very much

I’m learning how to be a better person it doesn’t involve interacting with people who aren’t.

I’m so sick of performative action

I’ll push back until

Why is it always until?

You realise that’s how the system works right?

You’re guilty until you’re rich

Paedophiles are bad until you’re powerful

Starving people is bad until you’re a CEO starving your workers second handedly

No

Fucking

Fuck all of you untils

What a house of cards

I refuse to bend because of I do I will make excuses for things that should not be excused

If it’s wrong, it’s wrong

Fucking Jupiter can have his justice and his circumstances I don’t see any justice here

Being on the bottom is such a trip

Being the punch line is so over rated

Excuse my conscience

HE IS LOUD

Mr. Cat

I saw that

Please just don’t do that to someone face to face

Mustn’t break them

Like they broke me

And last to bed I bid tomorrow come quieter and with fewer bitches in pink

I always hated that movie

Bullying is fine if there’s a happy ending and a cute girl right?

I don’t know how you do it

I can’t even watch them silently through my fingers and here you are being begged for help and you stand silent

For all the hot girls in the Universe

I’d trade them for some decency

If every pretty girl ceased to exist I’d sleep well if the trade was some decency

Heh, for once I’m not damning myself to the damning as well

Sorry, you can take all the sexiness from the world and replace it with fucking decent human beings with rot for faces

Ever wonder what the inside of an insane person’s head looks like?

That can be their faces

If they’re nice people they can have anuses for faces for all I care

Now I’m trying to remember which stupid late night cartoon had anuses for faces

Sorry, sorry, this is going no where

Just let me process

What a waste of space

And air

I wonder if air is as precious as life

Just as abused as life, that’s for sure

I’m really not interested in anything that happened today.

Morbid curiosity

I’d say the Cat is dead but he just said some very unkind things so maybe just napping

Maybe he’s like one of those games where when you go to bed your HP is replenished

That would explain it

Technicality

Infinite lives

Just my luck

The problem, my dear Cat, who had been echoing around in my brain all day

The problem is I agree with you for once

I’m not going to apologise

We’re fucked, but what else is new?

Fibromyalgia has been the butt of the joke for years.

Oh but don’t worry because they weren’t making fun of me with fibromyalgia, no, it was other people

So it’s fine right?

Like some Mean Girls bullshit from grade 8

You turn to these girls who were your friends and say “But I have (insert thing they’re making fun of)”

Yeah, but you‘re different

And how that “different” sits with you like a heavy weight

What about me is different?

What about me makes me above the reproach you offer others for the same traits?

And why would you think I’m different?

Why am I not like anyone else with the same things

Freckles, no boobs, boobs, red hair, being LGBTQIA2S+, short, tall

Being disabled

Having things wrong with your body

They told me and told me those other people with fibromyalgia were different

They complained

They made it all about them

They were owned by their disease

Low and behold I spent years desperately trying not to become any of these things they insisted were wrong with any other person with fibromyalgia

Silencing my pain

Working beyond my ability

Hiding my true condition from people

Why would you want someone you love to be caught in the crossfire of your antics when there are perfectly good things wrong with people to have a problem with?

I wonder sometimes why it’s okay to make fun of something, as long as you don’t like someone, even if it’s something that is present in someone you don’t want to hurt

If you paint with a broad brush you’re going to have a wide brushstroke.

I think it’s wrong to make fun of things people can’t control.