Elucidating Questions

I’m afraid of people

That much I know after trying too hard to think of everyone as someone who I could trust

If only we lived in a world where tricksters weren’t needed

Mused the trickster

The muses nodded solemnly

I’m so used to being told to shut up

I wish I could be up on that mountain instead of at this bus stop

Which is about as effective as wishing I get better forever

I’m afraid of the part where they say they don’t want me

Sugar we’re going down swinging in a blaze of searching for intangible dreams in an unknown world

If I’ve lost the light then someday

The light that never comes

How the sun must weep that he is not the light we want

He tries to slip away and I drag him back

Help me

Mute

I’m mute and he won’t talk about it because he’s hurting

Too

Because they left me left him too

Us

Who’s whispering?

Ah, Capella. Or something farther.

She’s whispering songs of the ocean I can’t hear when she’s at the zenith.

Because I convinced myself it’s all pointless complaining because they all told me to shut up

But I’m the only one, everyone else deserves a voice

So I’ll listen to the waves instead

Reminders to breathe

Reminders

Inside me there’s still a small child seeking acceptance and understanding which we’re only afforded until we aren’t children anymore

I don’t remember the warning

But I’m so inside myself I can’t talk

Who are you talking to?

What’s left

I don’t know if it has a personality but it says what you want it to

The way back is already gone but it’s not over and nothing makes sense

And the raven crowed that was what they do

But the future whispered

All alone like right now

You did this to yourself

And now you’ll see how quiet it is all alone

So I need another sound

So I never have to hear how alone I really am

The fear isn’t even

The fear isn’t even the death

It’s wondering about what could or couldn’t come afterwards

Just the nothing

The nothing

Imagining it I throw myself three points higher

The nothing

Because this feels like nothing but it’s broken up by

Nothing’s changed at all

It’s broken up by the sun and the wind and the sky and the stars and all I can see and cannot see

Does anyone want to tell the brain that thinking in different centres when it’s already the centre

It’s a spell of some sort

It’s a spell for some reason

And it makes no sense

It makes no sense to be

Being

What being is

Infinite possibilities from the start and this is where it lands

That’s the second shut up and kiss

Someone

I guess you did kind of borrow it

This is why I need you Hermes

Because the idea of not the end but the post-end

I just give in

Do I just give in?

The sun hates the question

Why?

There’s an irony to the anxiety

Laying awake until 3

Trying to explain to my body that I’m not going to die today

When my brain suddenly becomes scared of it.

Suddenly like at three in the morning I actually care if I live or die

It’s fine I was just tired I got over it

And woke up

Then remembered how much nothing I contributed to

And I just want to die

It’s almost better if it was a spider that crawled across my neck just then

I know

I just hate how it sounds

Pain is a dull burn in comparison

Compassion not love

Compassion not love

Humans are so strange

They can’t even understand dogs

Dearly Beloved started playing as the sun peaked from behind the building and I felt his first touch on my shoulder

And I’d been doing so well with ignoring him

And the wind is cold but he is warm

Which means one thing only

I don’t need to say everything I said before I know

No I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them per se I just think it’s strange.

But I can only think that when I’m outside

And even though she does that I can’t let it just be because we don’t know why

I don’t know what I’ve been trying to be lately

You don’t want to be compassionate

You’re such a brat

Maybe he’s just behind

Don’t cry

Why are you crying?

Who’s crying?

I am but then I started hearing someone else

So I don’t want him to cry

It’s okay whoever it is

It’s okay I’m with you

Why is the soldier crying

Oh love I’m here and I love you

Whatever it is I love you

Please don’t be all alone

Whoever

Wherever

I’m with you

If only the eyes would shut and time would flow by without the eyes seeing it

Where the mind wouldn’t wander and the heart wouldn’t

Simply wouldn’t

No wishing for turns or a better hand

No folding no giving up no nothingness to swallow all that is made

Awareness as painful as the eyes seeing the unseen

Yearning that pulls in directions and places that were never for me

Be it the uneven footing or the hole awaiting the jump

What is love?

Untasted untried.

No stories of the closeness or the understanding only the wreckage of what was before in this life

And the endless road to follow

Being silenced because the face is hideous

And the self is useless to others as is

And over there on the hill where there is a life worth living

The words that were immediately blocked and the urge to go check

When all that is after is the pain of it never being sung back

No one wants to know how this ugly heart sings

No one

No one

Not the one

The only one left who can break the spell sitting with disinterest

Plucking away at feathers, pulling off tails and breaking necks.

The ravens are calling

So that the one who could have broken the spell has a voice in the day to remind that

Rather than do anything at all doing nothing is far more important simply because over on the hill

Is something far better

Than what is held in the arms of the hideous seer