Elucidating Questions

Pointless

Meaningless

Annoying

Awake in the pointless day

Asleep in the meaningless dreams

There has to be something more

All I have is time wasting

Pointless meaningless annoying time wasting

Oh and there he is again

Just there

For no reason but attempted light torture

How many more days before life becomes worth living?

I’ve never experienced romance

Could I just die instead of having it dangled infront of me with no way to get it

I don’t want to be where the people are anymore I want to live under the sea

No not in the sea

Under it

The best part is when I have helpful little thoughts like

I’m going to live my entire life without meeting him

Ànd here I was thinking I’d started the day without crying for once.

Once, when I was in Brownies

There was a misunderstanding

The leaders prepared pudding with Oreo dusting and filled with gummy worms

They stuck a stem of mint in it, to give the pots the look of containing a plant

To create a reaction when the leaders started eating what appeared to ten year olds to be dirt

I had become excited at the idea of raising this plant

And when I found out it was dead, and dessert

I cried

When I returned from work yesterday my wonderful upstairs neighbour and landlord had left me a treat from her son’s party

We had been thinking about that plant

We laughed while enjoying the dessert we hadn’t been able to nearly two decades earlier

While sitting on the floor of our kitchen far away from any friends or leaders or my mother who was one of the leaders

If only for a minute

We were happy all alone

The doe is dead

The sun rays dripping orange not gold

Me died too

Far away

So far away

And you lala about long lost

Tipping over the

Tripping over the

Tell me something I actually wanted to hear and maybe I’d be happy

But I don’t deserve that

I’m convinced I’ve said something terrible and unforgivable

I don’t know what that is though

So goodnight you

Does it matter?

I don’t have anything I’d particularly like to replace this hole with

I don’t know if there’s anything that could be said worth saying

Falling silent into my own silence

There’s nothing to be saved here

Just the desolate remains of my love that didn’t reach far enough

I feel like the one watching from the outside

The cup says

Music lovers know the score

I don’t

Who’s winning?

I stopped looking when I settled into my last place where I stay because I can’t compete

If I’m in last place I have no enemies

And no one to step on

And the love lost lays dying

Or dead

It dies forever

Endless death

There’s nothing left to find here

Not without him

Don’t speak

Keeps not odd

Non nights

No sound

The drip

Don’t speak

Because you’re

A coward

Don’t want to open my mouth to look stupid

Keeping it shut to prolong the silence

Because he taught me well the silence

The emptiness that follows each exclamation

I love you

I need you

I want to see you

I need you

Did you hear me?

Did you…

Keeping it shut to ensure that such things will never leave.

Never leave.

Just please don’t leave.

Please.