Elucidating Questions

I have nothing

I am nothing

Everyone else lives their lives around me like I don’t really exist

It must be nice to visit friends

Some of us don’t get friends

Some of us never get friends

And I’m suffering

So I cried

Which made the pain worse

And now I’m too tired to cry anymore

Just drops pouring out

Oh look the sky is joining me

Destroyed a frozen pie because it wouldn’t open so I chucked it at the floor

If there was any question who’s holding the reigns right now the throwing definitely answered it

Fucking shit piece of sad frozen crap that makes me want to cry more

I was eating food

Like real food

Vegetables for the first time in over a decade

Like real vegetables not those shit boiled to fuck freeze dried is there even nutrients in this tasteless tiny blocks of fucking is it even a vegetable anymore

Have no weed so I’m experiencing my pain as a normal person and not as a drugged to not care about it person

And my mum oh I’m so sorry honey I love you

Yeah enjoy your friends

I’ll be here alone like I always am like you never were but you like to pretend you have any idea what being entirely alone for almost a decade feels like

Yeah, I’m sorry too

Sorry that taking an entire bottle of Tylenol when I was 15 didn’t work

It’s punishment for daring to enjoy myself for a bit

And everyone agrees

I hope I die

I just want to stop existing

I’m afraid of dying, but

This isn’t worth it

None of it is

My life is over in four months anyways

I don’t want to exist if I have to live like this again

Eating one bowl of cereal and one single chicken pot pie a day yet magically still being over 200 pounds

I don’t know why I’m even here?

No one wants me and if they do they want me to be fine and silent and never tell them I have any problems

They don’t want to spend time with me, or even see me in person

Just want me to exist simultaneously to them

Fuck this fucking writer it’s shit and I hate it and I’m f

Learning to suffer in silence

Because there’s no precious friends here

Should I have fought?

For people who forget about me?

It’s all this convoluted story of everyone leaves you eventually

Those words that haunted me from the moment I heard them

Perhaps it’s the rain that has half my tears

It is late

The time doesn’t tell us that

Human meddling

I’m unaffected by it

But

It’s always other humans who hold the keys to my survival

Choosing our not choosing to fall on me that time

It felt nice to have all the answers to my survival for a bit

Nothing would ever be enough though

Not when I’m drowning in loneliness

I’d need hundreds of thousands to sate my boredom

So I could just go from one thing to another

There’s enough to do in this world it just costs money

Locked behind gilded gates

I don’t expect people to pity me

But there are others out there suffering the same who deserve to be helped

Or worse

I wish I could sing

When I sing, just for a moment I’m just part of the song

Not human just a carrier of music

Not trapped within this world

Free to express within the song

It’s sad I see dreams of singing songs to bring happiness to everyone

And think they’re cute

In a condescending way

Inside me there’s a young singer who never saw their dream

Who probably believes something very similar

If everything wasn’t a competition

I don’t see it

The will to defeat others

It’s not in me

I hate losing

But I almost hated winning more

These days I don’t compete

Doing something that hurts someone else on purpose

I’m sure this world would be filled with underachievers if they were all me

Individuality would abound

What crazy world would that be?

When I breathe I breathe with the billions before me

The same air

I breathe because they did

It sometimes feels very much as if I’ve been abandoned by humanity

Like it made me, thought differently, and now it doesn’t want me

I’m a product of my life

Aren’t we all

I’m so tired

I feel defeated

I should know better though

I get up somehow

何と無く

I don’t know how to make things go my way though

Is it up to luck?

Which is it?

My shitty luck

Or my strange, oddly timed, always just in time, luck?

Well I’ll just have to see I suppose

I wonder how many once agains there will be?

Do I have to?

Well, it’s not as if Time isn’t dragging me along willing or not

If my friend is the rain

Good night, friend

Nothing changes within aiming for it

How my life only got worse and his got better

I say I need a friend

But that friend would have to listen to me suffer instead

And people don’t like listening about how others are suffering

They don’t want to do anything about it

And they don’t want to hear about it

The way all people move away emotionally

I kept myself busy with money for two months

But I was still alone

It’s funny

Suffering alone is hard

But no one wants to hear about how anyone is suffering

I’ll come over and sit with you so even though you’re hungry and uncomfortable you’ll have someone around

If someone would just watch stupid anime with me

Maybe suffering would be easier if I had someone with me?

I don’t know

Imagining some new start somewhere

Naive

Likely I’ll become trapped

And more alone than ever

I’m grateful for my animals and I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for needing human relationships as well as animal ones

And yet here I am about to have their absence smashed against my face

This universe makes me feel like it’s my fault

Like I wasn’t somehow grateful enough or didn’t appreciate them enough

Now it’s punishing me

For wanting anything else

Up and up

Down and down

Even if I had saved the money it wouldn’t matter now

I’d just have food

And, of course, it’s not like I’m going to spend a huge amount of money and then expect people to bail me out

I’ll flounder here for months if I have to

I’ll suffer all I have to

My crime for living above my lot in life

You can think it’s my own fault with me

Even though I wouldn’t do that to someone else

I just don’t want to be alone

And money didn’t fix that

Money doesn’t fix that

My manager who was giving me grief the other day has settled on being just rude, but whatever

The manager who spoke with me and fixed a bunch of stuff said she talked with her and it’s done and that’s all that matters

I don’t treat people how I feel about them usually

They have to do something to break my mask

The returns situation is just insane

I’m getting to the point that I hate returns again

They’re just constant and in the hundreds

The pile slowly growing around me

I can take rudeness

I can take the managers making announcements when I’m in the middle of dealing with customers and then giving me attitude when I didn’t hear them

I can take attitude

It was the implying that I didn’t work that broke me initially Monday

Having to keep dealing with customers while I was so fucking angry inside

Shit’s hit the fan so the one with a mouth on them is awake

I’m mild

Just, we are, generally

The swearing spitting thing doesn’t usually happen unless we’ve been pushed

And, probably? She, my manager, was surprised to meet a different me when she called me aside

I’m not me right now

There’s too much going on for me to be me

And, I feel them stir.

Throughout the day, beauty, empathy, things that make me, me

But I’m so not me

I’m so far out of sorts I don’t even know where sorts is

And there’s no one coming to save me from this life

This is it

We sing cute little love songs while stinging on the inside because they aren’t about us

They’re for someone else to relate to

I was expecting a savior

Except there isn’t one

Not in my story

So I have to start standing up for myself

And that’s probably going to get me in a lot of trouble

Because when you’re first learning to do something you don’t often think about when you’re supposed to do it and when not

You’re just trying to do it

I don’t know what I’m going to do

And, there is always someone

Someone who is one my side

Usually they’re unable to help in all the aspects I need

Thank god for my one manager

Who dresses like a freaking Queen and fills the role.

Amazing

But she’s so kind

At least I don’t have to be alone at work again without an ally

She gets my pronouns right and it makes me so happy

Just a sweet gal

She deserves the world

So many amazing people caught in this awful profession

I’m grateful for the allies I’ve had over the years

Is it fair to say it’s just not enough?

I wish I had someone I could talk to that isn’t my therapist

Exhausted

And not myself

Well I’m myself but I’m not the self that usually would be my self right now

It feels weird to be the calm one

We can’t afford to be emotional right now

It’s self preservation time

I just had a conversation with a lovely cabby

About how everything is awful and it’s the politicians selling us down the river for a fiver from their bff the rich people

All politicians

None of that “my guy is right” crap, we were both of the opinion that there is no guy

They’re all scum

Our city, once beautiful, is a hideous boarded up mess.

That “fighting inflation” is bullshit

I don’t even know who his guy would be if there was a guy

And that doesn’t matter

And more people need to start putting down the partisan “I’m going to fuck with that guy’s backyard so we don’t focus on actual issues” bullshit

They’re pitting you against each other and you’re eating it up with the spoon they gave you

Rent is not “frustrating” in this city it’s an emergency

And there go the fucking Americans making noise from their base on the fault line that they’re causing feelable quakes on the other side of the water from

I’m sure that’s safe

I want people to come together

Stop this fucking with other people’s lives shit

Instead focus on what you want to be better in your own damn life and try to fix those things

Can’t?

Organise

This isn’t a drill

People need to start to getting together on the streets and demanding better

All those several hundred million people who couldn’t be fucked to stop fascism

Fuck you, first of all

Just, fuck you

The next four years aren’t on the people who wouldn’t vote lib

They’re on all the people who couldn’t be fucked

I know there’s no good option but imagine what it would look like if people got off their asses?

But this whole sides bullshit

When they’re both a bullshit option

Demand better

Demand it

Stop paying $16 for a foot long Subway sandwich that used to cost fucking $5

Stop paying KFC $50 for a bucket of over cooked, sad ass chicken

Demand better

I believe taxing the rich would solve many problems but not all

Inflation should not exist

Things should not get slowly or quickly worse for the struggling and infinitesimally worse for the rich

How no one realised that inflation would be affecting those who don’t have enough to begin

And just a wince for the rich

And didn’t think how screwed up that is

I don’t know

Shit’s fucked though

Anyone with a networth under several hundred thousand is in for a fun ride

You let it get this way though

Someone should have demanded better than this two or three or whatever the greens are party system a long time ago.

All of you who are strapped in for the ride still and haven’t taken off your seatbelt and started shaking the vehicle are at fault for this

Also black women are a fucking gift to you all Americans and you don’t even fucking know it

Check the by race polling results

Some people do know what’s up

Not surprised

Not even disappointed

Incensed that you’d let it get to this point

This has been like watching a plane crash

Just watching it fall

Like fuck

I wonder what happens now?

Project 2025 y’all were like well whatever

Enjoy, Americans

I’ll be over here feeling the ramifications of your swamp ass politics

Life is just too real right now

On Monday my manager called me out in front of all my coworkers stating basically I don’t work

I was with a customer, with a line up, and she started telling me to go clean the cash lanes

I had literal piles of clothes all around me because they weren’t taking clothes back all day and we had like 80% of our transactions were returns

I’m still supposed to sort all the online returns, so I have a pile of store returns, two piles of online returns, I have been trying to get them to give me super cash for hours I had to beg someone to put the bags up because it was so busy

I said to her, I’m really busy here, and I’m supposed to be seated for the last half of my shift at least

She says

Well something is better than nothing

This was all over walkie, so the customer didn’t hear it, but every employee on walkie heard it and I was livid

I said

I’ll make sure not to do nothing then

At the end of my shift the same manager calls me aside with another manager as her like moral support she says

I didn’t like your attitude over walkie

I said so you’re allowed to imply I’m not working but I can’t get upset about that?

She said I just don’t like your attitude

I said I’m supposed to be seated for the last half of my shift anyways

She said there’s no documentation saying you need to sit

Mind, I have paid now, over $100 to prove to these people I need to be accommodated

$53 for the initial note to be filled out

Another 50 something for the form they requested months later because the note wasn’t enough

And she just completely denied, to my face, straight faced, that any documents existed

I started panicking

People denying things I know to be true is a huge trigger for me

My dad used to do it

My ex used to do it

I came into adulthood fully convinced my side of the story could never be trusted

I said to her I just won’t be disabled then, have a nice day, and did my version of running to the back to collapse in anger and tears because I just didn’t know what to do at that point

Whomever timed it that the only decent manager left was the one I ran into in the back as I came to demand where the forms were while still in full blown panic mode

Thanks I guess that Happenstance thing

I don’t know what my other manager told her after I told my version that was probably incredibly fragmented

I don’t remember much

The witch is gone

At some point in the tumble of things that came out I mentioned her and my wonderful manager told me she was gone

I’m getting my hours back

I hope I’m still welcome at work

I know I stormed off but they were telling me to be quiet and I’d just gone past the point in my anxiety levels where quiet was an option

I know people think storming off is a childish thing to do but I was so fucking triggered

Like deeply

I’m still like

Anxiously in my head going over what could happen

I’m scared

Three ways

I’m terrified of looking for something else and getting sent up island somewhere

I’m terrified of my job, I’m terrified of my bank account, I’m terrified of my future living arrangements

And you know what?

Thank god I spent all that money because at least I have something to do?

I’m trying to coast right now

Not feel anything

I’m so exhausted from feeling

I am so afraid of the future right now

I want to run away

I always face everything alone with some people adjacently affected by it

But I’m still alone

I don’t know what to do

I don’t have any choices

Everytime I start to feel like the world is something I can take on it reminds me it’s not

Why do psychopaths soar to great new heights?

While I sink?