Elucidating Questions

I never thought about it growing up

Seeing money flying from my parents’ hands

It seemed like that was just the way things were

I hadn’t been taught to question yet

But as I sit here paying precious funds because I’m hungry damn it

It just feels so twisted and wrong that food, a necessity of life, costs money

If you can find it, water is free, but we’ll just let you starve otherwise?

And the whole soup kitchen whatever is great but I’m a disabled person hungry, outside the city core, at 7pm.

There isn’t magically some place I can get to, to feed myself

They expect all the homeless hungry people to gather around the services, which are almost always available downtown, and then they cry about there being a bunch of homeless people downtown

Make it make sense

It doesn’t

I came into this world so fascinated by other people

Foolishly careless

Airheaded

I don’t have much going for me

But I really did think people were fascinating

Now I wonder if I want to get to know these people who submit to a system that creates a problem and then complain about that problem

It’s written in the fine print, did you not read that part?

And it was always great for rich people they just get richer

Their treasures and riches increasing in value over time

The peasants with nothing wonder why bread is $6 while Mr Rich exists in his mansion that has appreciated in value by hundreds of thousands

Whose stocks pay for everything

Just pump all the money into a system designed to pursue all profit at any expense

Children being baked alive in walk in ovens

Except it wasn’t the witch in her candy house

It was Wal-Mart

How far do we let this go? 諸君?

Wow that word translates horribly and we as English speakers should be ashamed

That is a genderless address

Anyways

Couldn’t translate it though because English is all like ladies and gentlemen boys and girls

Eh. It’s more like “all you”.

You see why I go for the Japanese sometimes

Everyone just needs to learn every language, myself included, and then we’ll make a universal language from that or something

Sometimes words don’t work

Anyways, and I mean it this time

Why did we accept a system where food, water, and shelter are not guaranteed?

Dear middle class: what is wrong with you?

Going along with all this shit, dragging poor people along

Getting thoroughly destroyed by your favourites

But it’s definitely poor people that have been a scourge on this planet

And not all of you rolling over to appease your masters for decades

It’s all broken

No, it’s all working as intended

But no one seems to care about that

And obviously I’ve thought food should be free before this day where I was just hungry

Where you eat five starbursts you have left because you’re nauseous from hunger

I believe my words were

Let’s eat these so I can trick my stomach into thinking I ate something, that’ll be good for me

I wish I could just fill my own needs

No consuming anything

Just be

The unfairness of life is that we consume

But why did we make that unfairness ten times, perhaps a hundred times, worse?

There is food all around us

Bag upon bag of food that didn’t get eaten in time

There is so much we are throwing out the excess

So much just rotting in garbage dumps

Well

My food’s here and I’m hungry

Food shouldn’t be a fight in a world where we throw it away

Almost missed today

But I have to write something or I’ll be disappointed later

I only managed to stop my heart rate from spiking above 110 when I stand up about halfway through the day

I feel weak and defeated

I wish I could summon the power to just be well

Just do it, like people keep telling me to

This probably isn’t going to be very long

I’m exhausted having done nothing today

Barely lifting my head to play games most of the day

At least I got back to the point that I can play games to make the hours go by

Not just lying there begging to either be asleep or awake

Pick a lane body

Barely conscious

Just conscious enough to hear my brain playing the top fifty thoughts that will upset me

Rushing at miles an hours because my mind is awake

And my body is not

And they act like I enjoy this

Like I’m missing days at work for some kind of vacation I’m on

Pain isn’t even the problem this time

It’s my literal heart

I’m not making this up, I have Fitbit heartrate data to prove it

I’ve had multiple people working with ECG machines tell me they’re accurate 98% of the time or some other ridiculous number you wouldn’t except from a fucking watch

People told me I was right to go to the doctor after noticing the high rates on my Fitbit to begin with

I keep mine updated because I need the heart rate monitor

No one considers how fucked it is that I just sit here alone watching it going up terrified that this will be the time it fucking breaks for real

Knowing I’ll just die and no one will notice for weeks

What that does to my head?

But, no, I had a relaxing day off

I’m sure anyone watching would think so

It’s so wrong that there are humans on this Earth dying all alone

That I’m not the only one going through this right now

Not alone in being alone

Heh

Gross

Nah that’s it.

I don’t have anything else in me right now

The situation I’m in is unacceptable

But there are so many people, animals, creatures, in unacceptable situations right now

The Rain begins to fall

Maybe she cries for the fact that I know my death will be meaningless

That I’ve come to fear it as much as living

I’m frightened that I’m just going to drop

I feel like this?

Where I can barely lift my head up properly without my heart thundering in my chest

I’m afraid

And I’m scattered and easily confused

Desperately trying to fill the silence with something

That this will have been my life

Spent lying on the couch suffering

But no one will take me seriously until I die anyways

Not anyone that can do something about my fate

What my body is doing to me

I’m trapped inside

Things I used to do without thinking have become impossible or dangerous for me to do

And I’m alone

I don’t have a clan

So begrudge me trying to make this bearable

Things just never quite align how I was hoping

And now I’ve missed another day at work

I’m worse off for it because that’s my pay cheque

But they don’t see that they just see that I failed them again

Failure number 1 here

Sometimes it feels like the Universe is closing in on me

Like I just can’t breathe anymore

I don’t know how or where I’d even begin to get the help I need

Yeah I do

Just sit here worrying about when I’ll die

Once my mind is done beating up on me for everything else

It taunts me with my mortality

And the hopelessness that is my life

Hell adjacent

I’m not about to claim I’m in hell when there’s literal hell on Earth occuring on the other side of the planet

I’m not so blind with my own woe to believe I am the only person or person suffering the most.

I sit in peace besides my body at the backdoor

Heart is finally sitting below 100 when I’m sitting here

So many hells to be had

When we could have cooperated

Humans are their own worst enemies

I sit in a hell of my own body’s making wondering why you’re all doing that to eachother

I don’t know how to fix my hell

But I do know that being nice to eachother makes it a lot easier to deal with

I’m at a loss

I need hours

But I’m too sick to even make the hours I’m scheduled for because I’m so stressed that it’s making me sick

Because I don’t have hours

And it’s been months

And the situation at work just gets worse

And I don’t want to fail them

Like I’m not deliberately calling in sick to harm them

If I could choose to feel better I would

And I was fine today until that ambulance went by and then I was just fucked

My heart rate has been no lower than 98 and as high as 135 sitting down

And if I’ve got it down at 98 standing up sends it back up to 125

What even is that?

Like fuck maybe people do just die of hearing loud noises?

I cannot express how dismayed and upset I am right now

Needing to call in sick the week after I’ve been told not to call in sick anymore

I’m not sure what’s not valid about “I’m afraid my heart is going to explode”

But I’m sure I’ll find out tomorrow morning

I have to call tomorrow morning too

I’ll never know why typing is easy

Well, I do use swipe fairly often these days

I’m so terrified of my heart

Being what this disease decides is going to kill me

I know if I don’t kill me it will

It’s creeping in slowly

Each time I go down I get back up a little less easily

Physically

Mentally I’m still here and kicking most of the time

But physically I’m losing

I’m losing and I’m terrified

If I had any control over my life

I’d find someone who can support me and stop working and just never get married or move in together because disabled people can’t get married without losing their benefits

And we’d just do stuff together

And then I wouldn’t be alone and buying things to fill the silence

Foolish

Ever the fool

I’m not a bad person

I’m a reckless person

Because I’m going insane with boredom

I just want to see that number go below 95

There, it did, for a second

I’m not dying right?

Please don’t turn me into another statistic of deaths caused by corporate greed

I just want to be healthy

What does that even mean, I wonder?

Something far off and unattainable

Another night in bed by 9

I’m so exhausted

I just want to go back to being able to work full time

The moods of the Sun

I knew he was waking up

Or whatever you’d call it

It’s funny that people don’t feel the difference

I don’t know how or why I do

But I suppose there was a time I also didn’t know

Feels so far away now

For all the tears and heartbreak

I got hyper sensitivity to the cosmos

Eh

I’ve seen worse happen

I don’t know what I see

It was when the bugger started leaving extreme tan lines on my legs that I started being annoyed by it

You’d think that wouldn’t be a factor but I spent less time in the Sun with twice the colour

Yeah ok Sol, chill out

Twice the avoidance

The Northern Lights have eluded me

Always cloudy always not dark enough

I was in so many pieces yesterday

I wonder why I have to give up my day off so I can work for less than I’m worth?

Can’t get into another field because all jobs require experience

Excited Sun

It is kind of like a love song

Ah that line likes to play at the best moments

I had no control over that one

Nope that found me in the wild

But yes you big beautiful ball of fire screaming into the night

It’s kind of like a love song

To the planets you made

If humans hadn’t fucked things up

It would have been just a pleasant Summer

Hurricanes and crap

Fires

You’d think the Sun hates us

Well, we’re the ones who broke it

So maybe he does?

I’d certainly call it a love song to the Earth if you’re trying to ruin humanity

Like, more power to you Sol

With a flourish of my wrist I implore you

Continue

But I don’t think it is that

Our gentle star

Like look into the cosmos and find a more gentle star with life in its eye

I think you would be looking for a while

They’re as rare as genuinely good people

What this star created

What he sings to

Back here again less thousands

The Rain fell for a moment

I was right to get dressed up

For people that would actually appreciate it

Work tomorrow

Dread

Am I going to face the same day as yesterday again?

Am I going to be beyond exhausted at work only to sleep the entire next day again?

Do I really have to sacrifice my free time just to not make ends meet?

It’s not even worth it

Getting up and going to work for this amount of hours

It’s not worth it

How long will it go on like this I wonder?

I wonder

Who am I?

Should I awaken like the Sun?

Everyone tells me to behave

While others are free to not behave

I feel as small as I am

I feel as powerless as I am

I wish money wasn’t a subject

Maybe instead people could recognise how fucking depressed I am

I don’t know

I know it doesn’t matter

I know the world doesn’t care how depressed I am

Or how I self medicate with shopping

I’d like to fucking figure out how to stop

I just suck

I guess

I don’t know

I have all this pain and I just want it to stop for a second

I’m going insane

I thought I was insane

But I was at least managing to exist, right?

Sun you are bright and in my face

Go back to talking about you?

Oh big beautiful ball of fire

I do wonder what you are but that doesn’t rhyme

They’re all like helium and chemicals and blah blah blah

Like that answers the question

Of what you are

Bitch will you cool it on my face please?

Get this,

An ambulance went past and now my heart rate is 125

Because I am that fucking sensitive to sound now

And now I’m in sensory overload

And I can’t think

Every single loud sound is fucking with my heart and I’m downtown

And I’m going to work tomorrow?

Because I’m not allowed to call in sick?

I don’t want to fucking die?

I don’t want to live but I don’t want to die

My heartrate has been over 110 regularly over 120 peaking at 135 for almost an hour

I’m scared

I’m so sick

It’s scary

I never know whether I’m going to wake up the next day

What if when my health goes horribly wrong it doesn’t get better again?

And it never does

I never recover completely

Just slowly get worse

I need help

I don’t need money I need help

Money doesn’t fix it

Money never fixes it

Sol

I wish I could exist like you

Beautiful and alive

I can’t just say I enjoyed myself for a bit

Responsibility and need

It was a short vacation that I needed

That I was going insane

That I just needed a moment of freedom from all these chains

There were still chains

I just didn’t have to suffer in loneliness for a few weeks

That was nice

Selfish, certainly

But my most selfish is wanting my needs to be met

And enjoy life a bit

Life has no joy, for me

I got to experience joy for a bit

Wasn’t responsible

But I was doing things that weren’t smart before hand because I was losing my mind all alone

I finally got to take care of that part of me that was slowly going more and more insane with silence and boredom

I feel a lot less out of control of myself

Miserable, but I’m not going to do something stupid and not be able to pay rent

It probably won’t happen again

I really just wanted to go to Japan, but I didn’t do that

I guess it’s just going to go back to normal

Everything

My mum is going to hate me

No one can ever understand how profoundly damaging living like this has been for me

I felt alive

For a short moment

I bought feeling alive

I bought living an actual life

I bought being included

And it may be unforgivable

But I needed it

I’m miserable and suffering right now, and I probably deserve it,

But it makes me just a bit less upset when I look back in time and see a me who was just enjoying life for a little while

Not chained down by not being able to afford anything

I bought my piggies veggies whenever they needed them

I wish I could undo people hating me for this

That they’d understand how much I’ve been suffering and how desperate I was for a break from it

So, I guess, we’ll be navigating the world on $200 pay cheques

I wouldn’t dream of asking for help when I dared enjoy myself

If I hadn’t enjoyed myself I’d be miserable but I’d still have money

I don’t know whether the trade off was worth it

Not being miserable for a few weeks

Whether it’s worth having my mum talk to me like that

Like she’d rather I lie and suffer silently than be honest that I needed that

That that was the only vacation I’m ever going to have in the rest of my life

Money doesn’t have value to me

It’s just numbers

All it does is allow me to live when I have it and prevent me from living when I don’t

I have no grasp on how much money is worth

The things I want have worth, the money doesn’t

And if I hadn’t had to take my guinea pig to the vet and subsequently had her PTS, I’d have been fine without my mum ever knowing

But circumstances

Fucking circumstances

Do I feel ashamed for not just sitting here, rotting, while the money sat in my bank account?

Was I supposed to live the same way I had been? Except with money?

All alone and bored as hell, but my money will keep me warm

Fuck

I can’t begrudge myself trying to enjoy life for once

No one will ever know

And now I’m back to sitting here without what I need

Surrounded by devices I can’t play with because I’m feeling too sick

And I’m just as alone as when I started

Yeah this sounds about right

I’m defiant, but I probably deserve it

It just hurts that I have to feel ashamed of having lived comfortably and enjoyed myself for a moment in my life that will never come again

That I instead should have just kept suffering but with money

I wish I had my peace back

I hate the poor people calculation train of thought that just doesn’t go anywhere

Constantly making calculations with nonexistent funds

This is just another day of many in my life when I am meant to suffer alone

I’m going to pretend everything is okay until I either die from not being able to afford food or die from pushing my body too hard

Either way everyone else wins

All that matters is how everyone else feels