Elucidating Questions

Well I don’t want to live, again

And all is right with the world now, right?

Smashed back down to the place I belong

Awful customers

Awful bus morning

I felt sick and wanted to call in but I’m not allowed anymore

So I just suffered all day while the precious business brought in thousands of which I’ll see like $50

Yeah this trade off is so worth it

I just have to suffer in silence for the precious business

And I’m so done playing friendly with the managers

All they want is for me to suffer

They’re getting what they want

I want all of them to develop this disease

Every single fucking one

Then enjoy as the world just fucks with you for fun

If it’s not that bad then it doesn’t matter if they develop it right?

If I’m just making it up?

Who cares who gets sick if it’s all just pretend?

Maybe that witch will get long COVID like she deserves

My bullshit tolerance is at an all time low

Fucking cis ass cissies coming up to me and asking if this toddlers clothing is for a boy or girl

I don’t give a fucking shit it’s a baby

People pulling shit like “you’re telling me the tax is $8?” When I haven’t even finished totalling the order and I didn’t fucking tell her shit all

Demanding discounts that are already on the product

Listening like fucking lemmings

I’m in so much pain I just wanted to cry

In fact I did, on my break and immediately after clocking out

And now I’m out of weed

Fucking fantastic

I needed this

Just absolutely everything pushing every button

I want to scream

I want Death to come get me and bring me somewhere better than this

Take me to the place my piggies are

What’s the point?

Of working until I’m crying from pain?

For $50?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Just kill me now

I don’t even know which me I am right now

Somebody send me $40 for weed?

Fuck

Right back to begging for my needs to be met

It’s not a gentle sunlight when all it illuminates is pain and suffering

I just want to go somewhere quiet and stop existing

Hiding away because it’s another unsolvable puzzle

The running out

It’s already out

I’m just stretching it

And pain

And work

But I’d just be a colossal ass if I asked for help right now

What do you have to show for it?

They’ll ask

And the things that I put worth in will be worthless in their eyes

And of course it’s me

It’s always me when they fear

Fall back guy

It’s a bad decision

But here I am

And wildered this time

I’m often the one screaming

So often that I’m not used to the quiet

Puts me on edge

The wind has arrived but the sky has cleared

Interesting it doesn’t seem to be coming together

The wind and the rain have broken up

Oh just a thought

I can feel the hand over my mouth already

Don’t say that

Even though we’re all thinking it

What a waste

Well my life is kind of a waste so there’s that

Speak of the fucking devil

Enjoy missing absolutely everything I guess

It’s not our life to live

I’m not dead wrong this time, though, am I?

No bite

Mister apprehensive

Sup

This world doesn’t tend to like me much

But, again, I’m usually screaming something

Fine, run away why don’t you?

I just have no self control

When I don’t want to have it

It’s a phase

I’m just going to point out than no one really taught us how to do this

Do you feel the fire burning in me?

Back to hell tomorrow

You’re not going to make me do it right?

Me

Customer service

Antithesis

Self aware self defense mechanism

I’m not going to let myself fold for this

Will you wake to suffer?

What an unfortunate thing

Slow down didn’t compute

Enjoy

Just for a moment

Haven’t the foggiest how we got here

I wish I could tell you

It’s blindness

It’s lack of ability to wait for the future

The future hasn’t exactly been kind to me

Some days feel like I’m dying

I’m desperate to escape that feeling

As far as I know

There’s no future at all

Living in the moment

Desperately creating moments because there are none

Something we know well

Something we’re so tired of

If only someone could find us here

But the Rabbit hopes

And it’s hard to know we’re alone in this

Hoping is so sad

Don’t you think?

Desperate, begging reality to release you from its tethers for a moment so something amazing can happen

What would it bring?

Besides sorrow?

It doesn’t do anything

Just wondering why this is my life

Why this is us

I’m sorry reality doesn’t bend

I’m sorry its cruelty is unmatched

All the things I want to say to this woman

And can’t?

All this 邪魔 she’s put into my life?

Just like that, my perfect job was the worst job I’ve had.

Actually picking on a disabled person to the point of taking money away from them

What horrors is she going to put me though?

That sentence felt weird

Anyways

I’m stuck

Unless I miraculously suddenly get a thousand readers and they all want to support me financially (haha as if) I’m now in worse shape than I was before

I can’t say hey I spent this huge amount of money because I’m terrible with it, chronically bored, and now I need more

Me?

Why are we like this?

We can say we made it farther

But it’s not like I’m getting an inheritance every few months

That’s not happening again

Don’t even want it to happen

I’d rather my Uncle was still alive

But what now?

It’s nice to enjoy things

People will blame me, but I can’t blame me

It felt so good to just be able to do what I wanted to do

I needed that break

My heart and soul needed that break

I think all people should just be able to exist like that

Moderate comfort

And I wasn’t making any worthwhile wages

One of my cheques was $90

And so it covered things that was supposed to pay for too

It made me realise that even my dream of having $3000 a month was under the amount I’d actually need

To do anything other than exist at home

Which is disheartening

Some people like to collect things

Unfortunately the collection world is expensive as fuck

I got to play collector for a few months

That was fun

And it happened at the right moment

I was losing my damn mind

With the list of things I couldn’t afford

Money punishes the poor for daring to want

While the rich sit off Turkey in their mega yacht giving speeches to undermine the rights of other human beings

It’s just evil

And this woman I’m dealing with at work?

She’s itching to become one of them

She’s desperate to be the one abusing other people

Just a monster

Just another monster human I have to deal with

I just have to make an effort to show up for my shifts

Just

I definitely haven’t made an effort, waking up to go every time and calling in with the proper amount of time and giving up my ability to get paid for the day because of it

The stress I’ve experienced cancelling Handydart

I definitely just didn’t want to go and so I called in

My guinea pig died a week ago, my precious first piggy

And I can’t even process it because now all I’m thinking about it how I have this list of things I want to say to this black hole that I can’t because power dynamics

It’s so gross

How is this not slavery of the mind?

Attempting to control how your employees are allowed to speak

And all I want to say to her is that I hate her

For cutting my hours and implying I’d get them back if I paid for a form to be filled out

For then going on a fancy rant about the business and how important the business is

Just to say you’re not giving me my hours back

And adding to it that you can no longer give me set shifts because some mythical “system” does the schedule when I’ve had set shifts since April

Oh and fuck you too by the way

Telling a chronically ill person to “just make an effort” to show up to shifts

After you screwed up their life and subsequently their health

Causing them to miss the shifts

But normies don’t fucking realise that health is attached to stress and that when you have a disease like this stress absolutely destroys you

Nope, I’m sure someone will think I’m making excuses

Fuck you too

I’m so sick of people bullying me when I try to take care of my health

Would you tell a person with cancer to just make an effort?

I’m not dying, but I am sick all the time to some degree

I don’t know what not feeling like you’re sick feels like

I have no control over when it’s worse

Or better

Do you think I’m just like

I don’t feel like feeling well today

In fact I feel like sleeping for the entire day?

If there are people that actually do that?

I hope they enjoy it

I don’t enjoy the days I call in sick

Or the days I’m not working but still feel sick

It doesn’t turn on just for you

You’re not special

Make an effort

Why don’t you make an effort to care for your employees?

I know you loathe them

How dare they take profit from your precious business?

You are a flea in comparison to your predecessor

She didn’t like me much, I don’t think

But she was kind and genuinely cared about her employee’s needs

And recognised that on the list of names in our company hers was just as close to the bottom as mine

You’re a leech

You’re a mosquito

You suck the life from your employees and feed it to your corporate leaders

You’ll never be one of them lady

You can pretend all you like, but I know

You’re going to suck that dick all your life just like all the others like you

You poor pretentious pawn

I’m laughing because it hurts and it’s so evil

I was told my hours were being cut until I got this form

And then I gave it to them and they said “oh, yeah, we’ll do your accommodations if you’re working that shift, but we’re not giving you back your hours, so we probably won’t have to”.

I’ve been quiet fired

They’re waiting for me to leave

This woman is a beast

Man, I thought every woman was beautiful in some way

This fucking hag takes it

It’s “for the business“

We’ll accommodate you if it’s good “for the business”

This is why you almost never see disabled people working

Because they pull this shit

And I’m an expendable cog

They’ll fill my place

With an able bodied person (Yay!)

I feel like I was assaulted

Like verbally

She goes

You have to make an effort to show up for your shifts

As if the reason I’ve been missing shifts isn’t because she fucked up my life and the stress made me weaker when the season changed and just fucked me even more

You are a black hole

You nasty piece of unfortunate work

You consume and then spit out garbage

And like all black holes you’re just going to grow because you will never find out how awful you are

You just destroy everything around you

I rarely hate

It takes some serious work to make me hate you

Does the corporate bullshit taste good?

Have they noticed you yet?

You corporate pick me?

Aiming for DM so you can ruin people’s lives from behind the scenes because you’re a coward who won’t face me even though you’re ruining my life?

Thanks for your patience

Thanks for just totally fucking me

I hope the business can recover from having to employ a disabled person

Corporations are evil.

People who are in pain often tell me they’re in a bad mood or rude because of it

And I always tell them it makes sense

But the amount of pain I have to be in to become unpersonable is like

I can’t hear you, the pain is louder, and every other stimuli is actually adding to the pain and I can’t think because of it

And I always wonder what level of pain they’re talking about that makes them rude.

Heck I worked for an hour through one of my pain attacks

I wonder what level of pain they think excuses being rude to people

I’m rarely rude

When I am I apologise for it immediately

Pain certainly does put you on edge

It does make you quicker to react

I’ve a measure of control over this

A measure, though, I don’t claim to have mastered this aspect of my pain

I do go on the defensive

Maybe that’s what they mean

But I’m not the type of person to say mean things

It takes pushing me to bring out that side

I wonder if that’s what they mean by pain mindfulness?

Still being in pain but just not letting anyone in on it

Mindfulness of how telling people you’re in pain alienates them for some reason so don’t let them know

I have yet to even hear back from this pain clinic for the first time I was referred there

Apparently there’s no real urgency

Because if I’m alive I’ll be in pain when they get to me and if I’m dead they don’t have to deal with me?

Pain sucks

I understand why someone would be short fused and irritable

I just wonder where their line is and where mine is

Am I not irritable because I know I couldn’t get away with it?

Or do I genuinely not want people involved in my pain so I mask it more?

Maybe people get irritable because they don’t know how to voice what they need?

I can’t voice what I need so I just accept it

No one would help me anyways

It’s raining and my general ache is pretty bad right now

If I have a choice not to interact with people on days like this I take it

Because it’s more exhausting having to care for others needs without mine being met

I wish I could remember what entirely pain free feels like

Moving without the lead feeling in my body

Don’t know how to get there again

I wonder when it will be acceptable for me to be in a bad mood?

I wonder if I’ll ever hear back from head office about my break situation?

I wonder why I’m not a person worthy of making accommodations for?

It’s not fair that I jumped through their hoops and they get to say nothing for weeks after

It took them seconds to take my hours away

Like as much as I dislike my manager I would never try to do something that undermines her ability to get paid and work

But she swept in and took away my hours and kept it that way for months without any sense of even an apology

If she owes me no such things then I owe her no such respect.

As my first act as your manager I’m going to cut your hours and make you pay to get them back

Like fuck you lady

Fuck around with a disabled person’s livelihood?

You’re a monster

You’re a monster on corporate crack

I don’t even know what to do now

I did what they wanted I paid for their form to be filled out

I sent it back to them

I thought that was it

No

Two weeks later

Nothing

I have to call to check

I have to remember to give up my free time on my day off to chase down my corporate grandma to beg for my hours back

I’m livid

But I can’t do anything because I’m a cog

It must be nice to be able bodied

Not have to force your body to work passed its abilities only for the company you were trying to work hard for and accommodate to refuse to accommodate you

Where do I even go from here?

I have no recourse

I can’t do anything to help myself

What do I do?

I can’t go work at just another job, this one took half a year to get

I have so many fucking needs that so many jobs can’t meet

Won’t

This one was meeting them

This store was working

What do I do?

Google, job won’t meet accommodations?

Probably get told to get a lawyer I can’t afford?

Being disabled is just such a chore

I’m so busy with this chore I can’t do other ones

It’s over

My relaxed few months

I have to get back up and go back to clawing my way through

For a little while there I was well off enough to take care of my mental health better than I have been

I don’t think I’ve thought about the ultimate escape since August

If I did it was a short moment and I lived through it

Maybe contemplating returning to this

But now what?

I don’t know now what

I don’t know

It’s just a never ending problem I have to deal with

Being disabled

Anyone who thinks I chose this is crazier than I am