Elucidating Questions

Life is just too real right now

On Monday my manager called me out in front of all my coworkers stating basically I don’t work

I was with a customer, with a line up, and she started telling me to go clean the cash lanes

I had literal piles of clothes all around me because they weren’t taking clothes back all day and we had like 80% of our transactions were returns

I’m still supposed to sort all the online returns, so I have a pile of store returns, two piles of online returns, I have been trying to get them to give me super cash for hours I had to beg someone to put the bags up because it was so busy

I said to her, I’m really busy here, and I’m supposed to be seated for the last half of my shift at least

She says

Well something is better than nothing

This was all over walkie, so the customer didn’t hear it, but every employee on walkie heard it and I was livid

I said

I’ll make sure not to do nothing then

At the end of my shift the same manager calls me aside with another manager as her like moral support she says

I didn’t like your attitude over walkie

I said so you’re allowed to imply I’m not working but I can’t get upset about that?

She said I just don’t like your attitude

I said I’m supposed to be seated for the last half of my shift anyways

She said there’s no documentation saying you need to sit

Mind, I have paid now, over $100 to prove to these people I need to be accommodated

$53 for the initial note to be filled out

Another 50 something for the form they requested months later because the note wasn’t enough

And she just completely denied, to my face, straight faced, that any documents existed

I started panicking

People denying things I know to be true is a huge trigger for me

My dad used to do it

My ex used to do it

I came into adulthood fully convinced my side of the story could never be trusted

I said to her I just won’t be disabled then, have a nice day, and did my version of running to the back to collapse in anger and tears because I just didn’t know what to do at that point

Whomever timed it that the only decent manager left was the one I ran into in the back as I came to demand where the forms were while still in full blown panic mode

Thanks I guess that Happenstance thing

I don’t know what my other manager told her after I told my version that was probably incredibly fragmented

I don’t remember much

The witch is gone

At some point in the tumble of things that came out I mentioned her and my wonderful manager told me she was gone

I’m getting my hours back

I hope I’m still welcome at work

I know I stormed off but they were telling me to be quiet and I’d just gone past the point in my anxiety levels where quiet was an option

I know people think storming off is a childish thing to do but I was so fucking triggered

Like deeply

I’m still like

Anxiously in my head going over what could happen

I’m scared

Three ways

I’m terrified of looking for something else and getting sent up island somewhere

I’m terrified of my job, I’m terrified of my bank account, I’m terrified of my future living arrangements

And you know what?

Thank god I spent all that money because at least I have something to do?

I’m trying to coast right now

Not feel anything

I’m so exhausted from feeling

I am so afraid of the future right now

I want to run away

I always face everything alone with some people adjacently affected by it

But I’m still alone

I don’t know what to do

I don’t have any choices

Everytime I start to feel like the world is something I can take on it reminds me it’s not

Why do psychopaths soar to great new heights?

While I sink?

I wonder how many meals I can skip?

I have $100 to last until a week Wednesday

Dinner for a week costs about $120

I need veggies for the piggies

I have dinner until Wednesday

Need guinea pig pellets

I’m going to run out of weed tomorrow

At least I have nicotine?

If I get veggies, which I will, then I can either afford up until next Saturday of weed or probably 4 meals

So

So I guess I’m going without dinner for a bit

There’s ancient things in the freezer

I can probably eat some of it

I’m not glad I’m me

I have to afford bus tickets in there as well

So I need something

But it’s by own fault I’m here

I don’t even know

It’s a whirlwind every time

Feels like weeks go by

I can do whatever I want when I’m alone

No one to tell me to slow down

Instant regret

I’m fine

I’ll be fine

I’ll repeat it until it’s okay

I don’t need money, or food, or anything

I’ll just exist

Somehow

Maybe I’ll run away

No, that wouldn’t change anything I’d just be cold and wet

This is not a late July sleep on the bench in the park in Vancouver season

Besides I just came back again when I didn’t find anything

Just rich people houses

I cheapened them with my presence

What is there to do?

I can’t do anything

I have to make sure my piggies have veggies

And I’m probably going to pick weed over food

I’m fucking fat enough it’s not like I can’t skip a week of proper food.

“I’m setting you free to spread your wings”

Those words will never stop haunting me

Because that’s what you do with disabled birds right?

Set them loose into nature to suffer reality?

I’m sure that’s why all those sanctuaries exist

7 years later

Still haunting me

The Queen of Hearts

Everyone loves her

My value to her was monetary

As it often is

And now it’s echoing again

Because this chaos is just another ripple of me being free

The way homelessness looms

The way I’ve slowly lost control of my house

Sitting here hungry

It was hard being disabled in my early 20s but I pretended I wasn’t any different

She forced me into full time work

How many thousands of dollars have I paid, struggling, versus what I owed them?

To loan companies

Just trying to get that hundred I need

Only to be short it next time

Just to fall into a loan loop I couldn’t get out of

I can’t explain why I’m bad with money in a way that will satisfy anyone

It’s just meaningless to me

The things I want have value

The money is a number sitting in my bank

I never think about later

Or expect something to come up

I always forget something

If I budget I forget to check the budget

But none of that matters now

I’d like to see one of these so called money instructors budget their way out of $2100 income with $2100 rent.

Can’t do it can you?

My mum says it’s not my fault that I’m going to have to give up my animals

I’ve doomed two yearlings to the rescue life

I adopted a girl last November for forever and now she’s going to be alone

Druzzy is a senior

She’s going to die in rescue

Instead of in my arms

I don’t even want to think about what happens if I have to give up Pan

Bunnies are worse than guinea pigs for rehoming

I should have managed by myself

I shouldn’t have brought these poor creatures into my life

Somehow

Just existed here all alone

Why didn’t I see this?

My mum said I’m not clairvoyant

Except I am

And I see all sorts of things and there were signs

I missed them

I hate to think what else I miss

Time whispering keywords at me

The Universe quietly responding to my thoughts

Keywords

I have to figure this out

Please let me land somewhere safe

I want to go back to Japan

But it’s different than I remember it

Nothing stays the same

Time works their magic

Change

Death

Rebirth

Repeat

I want to go back to Japan and have it be exactly how I left it

My teacher no older

My friends not grown into families

It’s the only past I yearn for

It hurts to think back

マーそうだね

Does anyone feel when it cracks?

How do human feelings stay within the dimension within them?

I wonder if feeling was planned

They explode, they expand, things come together, spinning occurs

Secrets and roles to play

Then life happened

I already think that was an accident

Oops life

Doesn’t that seem likely for this Universe?

Oops life

This Universe of infinite possibilities

And the weirdest fucking shit

And we’re, us living, this mirror image of it

Chaos and unity, weirdness yet strange order

Things that can and cannot be explained

Sometimes stuff just happens here

Expect the unexpected

I wonder how human emotion exists outside of it?

Everything within this space affects everything else around it

I don’t know if these great beasts feel

They mimic feeling

No I suppose that’s reductive

They feel in ways I cannot comprehend

And occasionally donning a mortal face

We are alike

These humans spinning around their black holes

Do they all fall in?

Or die to leave their precarious positions to their children like a sick inheritance?

Who falls in?

The ring of roses

Emotion is vast and deep

Yet every human feels within themselves

What is that space connected to?

If not this one?

I’m not alone in my head

How many people carry others?

The thing

I struggle to call a being within me

Tricking me into belief

A survival mechanism come to life?

I’d look up but

It never mattered to begin with

All this doing my best

And it’s going to disappear into my past

As Time runs

And I exist within

Give me back my dreams

I want them back

Where will I be this time next year?

Will I have a home?

Will I even be alive?

Will I have to give up everything?

I don’t think I would live through rehoming my animals

Everything feels so pointless

Now that I’m just killing time until something happens

And I don’t know what

Homelessness, a sad trailer, whatever happens it’s not going to be here

People have just been casually ruining my life recently

When he said he was thinking of moving his kid down here I thought 13? 15?

Nah, kid’s in grade 3 or 4 and his cop daddy can’t handle having him 3 days a week so he wants to make him live in the basement

I swear if I hear one peep from that kid about moving into my suite I’m going to lose it

If I have to hear “I’m excited!” about my life as I know it ending I’m going to scream

The kid probably has no idea

How casually his father ruined my life

After my manager went ahead and did that already

We’ll just ruin a different area

I feel hated

It’s always the landlord coming along to fuck up my life

Either the Queen of Hearts with her pregnancy hormones which made everything she did to me fine

The Alleged Yakuza Queen (aka Ms. Compulsive Liar) making up a disease to not have to live with me anymore (yup)

And now this

Like there’s no way this child needs an entire suite to himself.

He’s a single child with a bedroom AND and entire play room. Like, upstairs has three bedrooms, and he has two. For three days

Fucking bullshit

I could hope that I get a little place

Easier to clean

Maybe with closets?

But what has hope every gotten me?

It’s usually at the moment I give up hope that some thing comes along

This place was the only good thing to happen

Even with all the screaming and the banging and the stomping

I probably won’t be living in Victoria anymore

I was born here

But there’s no place for me here

Not for $2100

That’s about 99% of my income.

It was already hard enough

People have failed me at many stages of my life

I know I’m not perfect

Rather, damaged

But why is it that I live in a world where I can do nothing, where I would do anything for them I could?

It’s all talk

I’d do this

People don’t care what you would do

They care what you’re doing

And my hands are largely tied by disability and poverty

I wish I’d seen this one coming

Hard to when I have packing dreams every night

You can’t exactly add extra nuance to that like this one’s for real

Is this the end?

It doesn’t matter what you build

Someone will come along to break it down

No one ever uses evil for good

Nope you’ve got people using good for evil and people using evil for evil

No one ever innovates and tries to be evil for the sake of good

Oh, no, autocorrect, they are constantly using God as an excuse for evil

Every day, in fact

Perhaps every minute

That’s not related to this though

Please?

Anyone who’s listening

Please let me keep my babies.

What to write?

I feel like I’m doing that walking through hell with a smile thing again

I can never tell

Am I supposed to 超える every thing that comes my way?

Or is it all to see what will finally break me?

Found out my brain wakes up every 2 minutes when I’m sleeping

This explains why I’m fighting a losing battle

How do you win against that?

The doctor said giving up caffeine would help

When caffeine is the one thing keeping me going

What exactly would I gain eventually from the trade off?

I’m not quiting one of my drugs for your possibilities

And then the bizarre REM sleep

I found out it’s probably the drugs I’m taking that are causing the reoccurring dreams

Thank fucking god because I don’t want to summon the god of Death

Seriously what was I supposed to think after dreaming that repeatedly for 5 years?

But, like, what now?

I’m on a carefully balanced pyramid of drugs

Prescription and non

Do I start switching shit out to see if I can finally stop having these exact same fucking trauma riddled dreams every night?

Do I take tranquilizers?

What do I do to defeat this demon from within?

An actual demon from within and not some imagined shit

My body is killing me

I wished for this as a teen

To get a disease that would slowly kill me

Because I was too cowardly to do it myself

But, man

Okay

So, go off all the drugs was not the answer

Clearly taking all the drugs is not the answer

Maybe just not the right drugs?

Ugh I guess I’ll talk it over with my doctor in December

I guess I’m going to need a new doctor

Haha fuck

You do enjoy putting me in tight spots don’t you?