Elucidating Questions

I say I need a friend

But that friend would have to listen to me suffer instead

And people don’t like listening about how others are suffering

They don’t want to do anything about it

And they don’t want to hear about it

The way all people move away emotionally

I kept myself busy with money for two months

But I was still alone

It’s funny

Suffering alone is hard

But no one wants to hear about how anyone is suffering

I’ll come over and sit with you so even though you’re hungry and uncomfortable you’ll have someone around

If someone would just watch stupid anime with me

Maybe suffering would be easier if I had someone with me?

I don’t know

Imagining some new start somewhere

Naive

Likely I’ll become trapped

And more alone than ever

I’m grateful for my animals and I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for needing human relationships as well as animal ones

And yet here I am about to have their absence smashed against my face

This universe makes me feel like it’s my fault

Like I wasn’t somehow grateful enough or didn’t appreciate them enough

Now it’s punishing me

For wanting anything else

Up and up

Down and down

Even if I had saved the money it wouldn’t matter now

I’d just have food

And, of course, it’s not like I’m going to spend a huge amount of money and then expect people to bail me out

I’ll flounder here for months if I have to

I’ll suffer all I have to

My crime for living above my lot in life

You can think it’s my own fault with me

Even though I wouldn’t do that to someone else

I just don’t want to be alone

And money didn’t fix that

Money doesn’t fix that

My manager who was giving me grief the other day has settled on being just rude, but whatever

The manager who spoke with me and fixed a bunch of stuff said she talked with her and it’s done and that’s all that matters

I don’t treat people how I feel about them usually

They have to do something to break my mask

The returns situation is just insane

I’m getting to the point that I hate returns again

They’re just constant and in the hundreds

The pile slowly growing around me

I can take rudeness

I can take the managers making announcements when I’m in the middle of dealing with customers and then giving me attitude when I didn’t hear them

I can take attitude

It was the implying that I didn’t work that broke me initially Monday

Having to keep dealing with customers while I was so fucking angry inside

Shit’s hit the fan so the one with a mouth on them is awake

I’m mild

Just, we are, generally

The swearing spitting thing doesn’t usually happen unless we’ve been pushed

And, probably? She, my manager, was surprised to meet a different me when she called me aside

I’m not me right now

There’s too much going on for me to be me

And, I feel them stir.

Throughout the day, beauty, empathy, things that make me, me

But I’m so not me

I’m so far out of sorts I don’t even know where sorts is

And there’s no one coming to save me from this life

This is it

We sing cute little love songs while stinging on the inside because they aren’t about us

They’re for someone else to relate to

I was expecting a savior

Except there isn’t one

Not in my story

So I have to start standing up for myself

And that’s probably going to get me in a lot of trouble

Because when you’re first learning to do something you don’t often think about when you’re supposed to do it and when not

You’re just trying to do it

I don’t know what I’m going to do

And, there is always someone

Someone who is one my side

Usually they’re unable to help in all the aspects I need

Thank god for my one manager

Who dresses like a freaking Queen and fills the role.

Amazing

But she’s so kind

At least I don’t have to be alone at work again without an ally

She gets my pronouns right and it makes me so happy

Just a sweet gal

She deserves the world

So many amazing people caught in this awful profession

I’m grateful for the allies I’ve had over the years

Is it fair to say it’s just not enough?

I wish I had someone I could talk to that isn’t my therapist

Exhausted

And not myself

Well I’m myself but I’m not the self that usually would be my self right now

It feels weird to be the calm one

We can’t afford to be emotional right now

It’s self preservation time

I just had a conversation with a lovely cabby

About how everything is awful and it’s the politicians selling us down the river for a fiver from their bff the rich people

All politicians

None of that “my guy is right” crap, we were both of the opinion that there is no guy

They’re all scum

Our city, once beautiful, is a hideous boarded up mess.

That “fighting inflation” is bullshit

I don’t even know who his guy would be if there was a guy

And that doesn’t matter

And more people need to start putting down the partisan “I’m going to fuck with that guy’s backyard so we don’t focus on actual issues” bullshit

They’re pitting you against each other and you’re eating it up with the spoon they gave you

Rent is not “frustrating” in this city it’s an emergency

And there go the fucking Americans making noise from their base on the fault line that they’re causing feelable quakes on the other side of the water from

I’m sure that’s safe

I want people to come together

Stop this fucking with other people’s lives shit

Instead focus on what you want to be better in your own damn life and try to fix those things

Can’t?

Organise

This isn’t a drill

People need to start to getting together on the streets and demanding better

All those several hundred million people who couldn’t be fucked to stop fascism

Fuck you, first of all

Just, fuck you

The next four years aren’t on the people who wouldn’t vote lib

They’re on all the people who couldn’t be fucked

I know there’s no good option but imagine what it would look like if people got off their asses?

But this whole sides bullshit

When they’re both a bullshit option

Demand better

Demand it

Stop paying $16 for a foot long Subway sandwich that used to cost fucking $5

Stop paying KFC $50 for a bucket of over cooked, sad ass chicken

Demand better

I believe taxing the rich would solve many problems but not all

Inflation should not exist

Things should not get slowly or quickly worse for the struggling and infinitesimally worse for the rich

How no one realised that inflation would be affecting those who don’t have enough to begin

And just a wince for the rich

And didn’t think how screwed up that is

I don’t know

Shit’s fucked though

Anyone with a networth under several hundred thousand is in for a fun ride

You let it get this way though

Someone should have demanded better than this two or three or whatever the greens are party system a long time ago.

All of you who are strapped in for the ride still and haven’t taken off your seatbelt and started shaking the vehicle are at fault for this

Also black women are a fucking gift to you all Americans and you don’t even fucking know it

Check the by race polling results

Some people do know what’s up

Not surprised

Not even disappointed

Incensed that you’d let it get to this point

This has been like watching a plane crash

Just watching it fall

Like fuck

I wonder what happens now?

Project 2025 y’all were like well whatever

Enjoy, Americans

I’ll be over here feeling the ramifications of your swamp ass politics

Life is just too real right now

On Monday my manager called me out in front of all my coworkers stating basically I don’t work

I was with a customer, with a line up, and she started telling me to go clean the cash lanes

I had literal piles of clothes all around me because they weren’t taking clothes back all day and we had like 80% of our transactions were returns

I’m still supposed to sort all the online returns, so I have a pile of store returns, two piles of online returns, I have been trying to get them to give me super cash for hours I had to beg someone to put the bags up because it was so busy

I said to her, I’m really busy here, and I’m supposed to be seated for the last half of my shift at least

She says

Well something is better than nothing

This was all over walkie, so the customer didn’t hear it, but every employee on walkie heard it and I was livid

I said

I’ll make sure not to do nothing then

At the end of my shift the same manager calls me aside with another manager as her like moral support she says

I didn’t like your attitude over walkie

I said so you’re allowed to imply I’m not working but I can’t get upset about that?

She said I just don’t like your attitude

I said I’m supposed to be seated for the last half of my shift anyways

She said there’s no documentation saying you need to sit

Mind, I have paid now, over $100 to prove to these people I need to be accommodated

$53 for the initial note to be filled out

Another 50 something for the form they requested months later because the note wasn’t enough

And she just completely denied, to my face, straight faced, that any documents existed

I started panicking

People denying things I know to be true is a huge trigger for me

My dad used to do it

My ex used to do it

I came into adulthood fully convinced my side of the story could never be trusted

I said to her I just won’t be disabled then, have a nice day, and did my version of running to the back to collapse in anger and tears because I just didn’t know what to do at that point

Whomever timed it that the only decent manager left was the one I ran into in the back as I came to demand where the forms were while still in full blown panic mode

Thanks I guess that Happenstance thing

I don’t know what my other manager told her after I told my version that was probably incredibly fragmented

I don’t remember much

The witch is gone

At some point in the tumble of things that came out I mentioned her and my wonderful manager told me she was gone

I’m getting my hours back

I hope I’m still welcome at work

I know I stormed off but they were telling me to be quiet and I’d just gone past the point in my anxiety levels where quiet was an option

I know people think storming off is a childish thing to do but I was so fucking triggered

Like deeply

I’m still like

Anxiously in my head going over what could happen

I’m scared

Three ways

I’m terrified of looking for something else and getting sent up island somewhere

I’m terrified of my job, I’m terrified of my bank account, I’m terrified of my future living arrangements

And you know what?

Thank god I spent all that money because at least I have something to do?

I’m trying to coast right now

Not feel anything

I’m so exhausted from feeling

I am so afraid of the future right now

I want to run away

I always face everything alone with some people adjacently affected by it

But I’m still alone

I don’t know what to do

I don’t have any choices

Everytime I start to feel like the world is something I can take on it reminds me it’s not

Why do psychopaths soar to great new heights?

While I sink?

I wonder how many meals I can skip?

I have $100 to last until a week Wednesday

Dinner for a week costs about $120

I need veggies for the piggies

I have dinner until Wednesday

Need guinea pig pellets

I’m going to run out of weed tomorrow

At least I have nicotine?

If I get veggies, which I will, then I can either afford up until next Saturday of weed or probably 4 meals

So

So I guess I’m going without dinner for a bit

There’s ancient things in the freezer

I can probably eat some of it

I’m not glad I’m me

I have to afford bus tickets in there as well

So I need something

But it’s by own fault I’m here

I don’t even know

It’s a whirlwind every time

Feels like weeks go by

I can do whatever I want when I’m alone

No one to tell me to slow down

Instant regret

I’m fine

I’ll be fine

I’ll repeat it until it’s okay

I don’t need money, or food, or anything

I’ll just exist

Somehow

Maybe I’ll run away

No, that wouldn’t change anything I’d just be cold and wet

This is not a late July sleep on the bench in the park in Vancouver season

Besides I just came back again when I didn’t find anything

Just rich people houses

I cheapened them with my presence

What is there to do?

I can’t do anything

I have to make sure my piggies have veggies

And I’m probably going to pick weed over food

I’m fucking fat enough it’s not like I can’t skip a week of proper food.

“I’m setting you free to spread your wings”

Those words will never stop haunting me

Because that’s what you do with disabled birds right?

Set them loose into nature to suffer reality?

I’m sure that’s why all those sanctuaries exist

7 years later

Still haunting me

The Queen of Hearts

Everyone loves her

My value to her was monetary

As it often is

And now it’s echoing again

Because this chaos is just another ripple of me being free

The way homelessness looms

The way I’ve slowly lost control of my house

Sitting here hungry

It was hard being disabled in my early 20s but I pretended I wasn’t any different

She forced me into full time work

How many thousands of dollars have I paid, struggling, versus what I owed them?

To loan companies

Just trying to get that hundred I need

Only to be short it next time

Just to fall into a loan loop I couldn’t get out of

I can’t explain why I’m bad with money in a way that will satisfy anyone

It’s just meaningless to me

The things I want have value

The money is a number sitting in my bank

I never think about later

Or expect something to come up

I always forget something

If I budget I forget to check the budget

But none of that matters now

I’d like to see one of these so called money instructors budget their way out of $2100 income with $2100 rent.

Can’t do it can you?

My mum says it’s not my fault that I’m going to have to give up my animals

I’ve doomed two yearlings to the rescue life

I adopted a girl last November for forever and now she’s going to be alone

Druzzy is a senior

She’s going to die in rescue

Instead of in my arms

I don’t even want to think about what happens if I have to give up Pan

Bunnies are worse than guinea pigs for rehoming

I should have managed by myself

I shouldn’t have brought these poor creatures into my life

Somehow

Just existed here all alone

Why didn’t I see this?

My mum said I’m not clairvoyant

Except I am

And I see all sorts of things and there were signs

I missed them

I hate to think what else I miss

Time whispering keywords at me

The Universe quietly responding to my thoughts

Keywords

I have to figure this out

Please let me land somewhere safe