Elucidating Questions

Sometimes I just sit here trying to conjugate verbs in Japanese

Usually for difficult things

Conjugation is actually really easy in Japanese you’ve got like one of two or three options for how a verb ends and then five or six different ways to conjugate each ending

Once your brain understands it you can conjugate every verb in the language even not knowing what that verb means

But I like to trick myself

It was me awkwardly (because I’m sure I could have sounded far more eloquent) trying to say “don’t become hungry”

お腹空くならないで

Or something

I’m sure I could have contextually left out the お腹 part because I was, in fact, speaking to my stomach in the first place

But my brain got stuck on the 空いてる vs 空くなる

I always struggle with that one. I don’t even know if I got it right

Kind of teaching myself again

Have to wait for it to jump out at me in anime or gaming and be like

This

Like 抜けるah I tried to translate something I didn’t quite understand and I was wrong and the universe has since been like every use of 抜ける ever!!!!

It means through

To pass through or to break through

Still learning words

Sorry, Japanese is my comfort place

It’s where I learn how I learn best and okay with the things I learn as I learn them

When everything is overwhelming and I go mute, Japanese is what I have left

They don’t know about that part though

I hide that away

They’re unaware of a lot of things

No one cares how much

Japanese was my thing to come home to in my tumultuous household

Not 6 human beings stacked in a small house

Life has been hard in many ways

We seek comfort

I’d imagine the kind moms in my shows were mine

The supportive older siblings

Through characters imagined I lived in worlds that started out kinder than my own

That twisted with time and the never ending quest to prove mine weren’t Mary Sues

Much of that left me after my psychotic adventure

Now I don’t dream of anything, but I play with language instead

I’m trying to hide somewhere safe

I’m so scared right now

But if I let myself feel it I’ll make myself sick

Remember that clock I always mention?

The one that’s ticking down to me being homeless?

The alarm finally went off

5 months to find a place

Landlord says “I know the housing situation is tough”

Rent for a 1 bedroom is currently $2100

I make $1450 from PWD and then about $500-$600 from wages

Do the math

I’m too exhausted from having a panic attack while cleaning because my landlord decided he needed to come in (I guess he cares now that his son is going to live there) while still trying and failing to recover from my heart episode

Fuck

Fuck

Fuck

Hours got cut and I was like I can handle this and then Ruby died and I was like okay that one hurt but I’m still up and now this

How many times in my life can I be saved from homelessness at the last minute?

I did this, didn’t I?

I said I want to move and didn’t take it back

You’re a swirling vortex of miscommunication you are

I didn’t want this to happen I wanted to find a house through BC Housing!

So I have to switch jobs, move house, recover from how sick I’ve been

This is exactly what I meant when I said 2024 is just indescribable

Terrible things keep happening and then something good happens but it’s not really good, it’s fast food good, and terrible things keep happening

What is this?

I can see myself shaking

One hit after another

It’s not the years that start coming and don’t stop coming, it’s the shit

I made it 2 hours

2 hours of hell

Children screaming in my face

$300 orders

$200 orders of entirely clearance stuff so it was like 30 items

I prayed today would be easy so I could just middle through

You can’t say to a customer “I have sensory issues and your child is one of them”

You can’t say

Can you wait for another cashier? I can’t handle your load of items.

There, Papa

You’re so funny

$2 is not the same as it was when you were alive

But there’s no other reason for a random toonie to show up right when the poppies came out

You knew I was having my feelings

About military, about what governments do to children

There’s too much that poppies represent

If they were only for vets I’d wear it

But there’s this whole aspect of the assumption that you agree with how the military works, what it’s doing, and how it’s still chewing up and then spewing out broken children

Literal or psychological

You were a child

God

It never gripped me until I was older than the pictures of the soldiers

Those are fucking boys

That they sent over seas to die

Babies

Thank you for coopting this

I was always so staunchly pro Remembrance Day

But the military is evil

It just is

Collecting children to fight against other groups of people is evil

Like, fuck, they taught that the Crusades were wrong

Knowing we as children had no scope on how young a 19 year old is

We were like omg like us children?

I’ve had signs

The veil is thin after all

It’s time for all the before people to come and meddle and do things

But a whole toonie appearing in my walker’s basket?

I’m sick so it took me a minute

Why’s there a toonie here?

Papa, I’m in an impossible situation

And I don’t know why I feel selfish for wanting, just, not to live in the shadow of homelessness all the time

I don’t want large amounts of money to be thrown at me

I have tested bad at that over and over again

I want enough money, regularly

And yes I did give away money when I need money

It wasn’t for me

I don’t fucking see its value

Money is better when it’s enough

Enough means I can save a little bit of it without having things pop up that eat it away

So I can do nice things for myself

Right now I just get so caught up in doing nice things because I know it’ll be gone and then I fuck myself and it’s gone

Dear Universe, please stop trying that it doesn’t work

I get better at things I get practice with

It’s like if I don’t get what I want now, I may never have the chance again

Because, seriously? When is that going to happen again?

So many missteps

Money is my downfall

I’d rather just not have it

But then I die

Humanity did this and maintained it for hundreds of years

So if I’m the problem

How do I fix it?

Right? Because if humanity has been fine thus far it must be me?

I do what I’m told when I can do it Papa

My body has taken so much from me

Yeah, I could be a paralyzed person

But then people would hopefully take care of me

God I say hopefully

I’d definitely be one of the ones people just decide to leave to die

They haven’t shown any concern thus far

Just take this money

Shut up

That was never really filling the need

Sure I needed it

But it’s always to shut me up

Never offering if they can come over for a bit and help me getting things done

It’s impossible

Everyone eventually hates me

Usually over money

I don’t know how to fix it

Either I’m boring and they take no interest

Or listening to me suffer is too hard on them and they distance themselves

Or money

I don’t even remember how much I owed the Queen of Hearts

Eh

Children join the military for the same reasons

Money

I hate it

I’m already freaking out over whether I’ll be able to afford food on Wednesday

Almost certainly not affording weed

No pain no gain right?

I wonder what I’ve gained

Envisioning impossibilities

I’m so hungry suddenly

Can’t afford getting food right now

I have to try not to fall asleep

I want something to be right with my body for a change

I know it wasn’t much, that $2

But I hope it helps fund something meaningful for veterans

I want to go home but my bus isn’t until 2:20

Even if I go home early it’s just to sit outside and wait for the bus

I’m so exhausted

Hungry and exhausted

I fed myself at 10 last night because I was randomly hungry

I need to stop being hungry

I need to stop being human

It’s not working, it’s not what society demands of me

I don’t know how to reply to what my mum just sent me

I failed to make it through another day of work

Did not meet expectations

I’m so sick of telling people I didn’t meet their expectations

I’m so sick of not meeting expectations

Mine?

I gave up having them when no matter what I did I couldn’t meet them

Mine were higher

Mine were so much higher

What do you expect of me?

Have I been

Have I been failing you too?

I feel trapped

I want to get out

It’s like they think I just roll over and go back to bed when I call in

That happened on Thursday because my heart was flying

Going fast for no reason

God damned Sonic the Hedgehog heart

But I have to stay up and deal with handydart

It’s not like I call in and strap in for a nice relaxing morning

I feel so sick

And I hate this

I’ve been screaming at myself to just get better all weekend and this is what I get

Where does this ability to not be sick come from?

I’m assuming all people wake up in the morning, do their entire morning routine, and then pass out again just like me?

No of course you don’t

I always feel like I have the flu

That awful slightly out of body

Full body ache

Slightly confused by everything

Easily overwhelmed

I’ve got the flu feeling

And it’s funny, because you’d think I would get used to it like I have most of the pain

I’m fine with the normal amount of pain

But this?

Somehow it just amps up again

I don’t know if I tolerate it in waves, or if it gets better and then worse, or if I tolerate it and it just gets worse in response

This is the feeling I want everyone else to have to live with

Every person who has told me I’m making it up or over exaggerating

Just feel this

I don’t know how I’m going to clean my kitchen for my landlord coming down

I don’t know what I’m going to do

I somehow have to be well enough for today’s shift

Somehow

God help me

I wish I had never gotten the first chronic illness, but the second put a nail in my coffin I will never get out

Decided to get trapped in hell for a moment

My life has been fucked

My neck hurts

I don’t know why

It started on Wednesday

Someone save me?

I don’t want to be saved but it’s what I need

Everyone keeps waiting for me to save myself

Just fight the illness and get better and stand on my own two feet again

Yeah, right

I’ll get on that

I’m definitely just not trying hard enough

If people could only experience the leaden feeling in my limbs

The way my brain struggles with sounds and input

I just don’t know where I’m supposed to get help from I’m too good at pissing people off

So this is my life?

I get to live half alive?

I should really just hate everyone

Very nearly conservative provincial government

I’m fucked either way but there’s nothing like the test election before the actually important election showing your entire province has decided to leave you in the dust

They would probably cut PWD if they could

I’ve given up

These people wouldn’t know a problem if it sat on their lap and slapped them across the face

No, no, you’re absolutely right the biggest problem in this economy of the growing poverty class and rich getting richer is absolutely trans people you sorry fucking idiots

I just give up

I just want to lie in bed until I die

I want to be one of the pretty people for a day

Now I’m not one of those people who think

No one likes me because I’m ugly

But people, I have observed, gravitate towards pretty people

Lift them up on pedestals they can’t live up to but somehow don’t have to because they’re pretty

Being ugly hasn’t exactly served me well

And I carelessly exist

So people think when bad things happen I wanted them that way

Or I was planning it

Never have so much as a plan for myself in my head

Wait,

It said

They said

I suppose they need to materialise it

But no one really wants me as the face of anything

People think I’m pleasant and that’s all there is to me

Nevermind this fifth dimension inside me that threatens to spill out

I’m either just a nice person who everyone forgets or I’m some mastermind who orchestrated something or another

It’s hard to explain to people that I’m not thoughtless I’m just devoid of the thoughts I had previously

They’re gone

Stuff I did?

Gone

And I never have I’ll intentions and yet they always seem to overlap and become one big ill intention in the eye of others

It’s not that I’m too simple to have a plan it’s that I made it and then lost it somewhere in here

There is a small part of me that thinks if I was pretty I wouldn’t get in trouble so often

That people might assume the best instead of the worst

And I’m still caught up on things that almost happened a decade ago and I bet I’m nothing but an unwelcome reminder every once in a while to them

Stuck on those three or four years where everything just went to shit

It was like oh my god I’m so glad you got to go to Japan get ready for hell!

People insist I made it this way

But it’s not like any of the people I’ve ever met are blowing up my inbox

It’s empty

I don’t know how to feel or think about how to one ever calls out to me

That one girl, bless her wonderful soul, I hope she’s doing well

I didn’t get to meet her much but she did

声をかける

My soul yearns for that again

Being noticed

I know my novelty quickly faded and no one really took interest

But I felt seen there

No I can’t remember names

I can’t remember names from last year let alone years ago

If I was prettier would I be living a different life?

Would someone have trained my voice and taken notice that I just want to be on stage?

It’s too late now

I’d need Gaga wealth to survive my life and be a singer now

It’s funny Arcturus was out for all of them minutes

I said goodbye and then the clouds came

Funny timing

Like he just came out for that

Maybe I feel noticed by the stars and the Sun because I don’t feel noticed by people?

Even when animals notice me I get surprised for a moment

I want to live in a place where people notice eachother

With respect

Where we honour eachother

I wish beauty didn’t exist

I wish that we sought out connection because other people fascinated us like they used to fascinate me

But not for their looks

That things about them fascinated others

Maybe I’m just a rock in a sea of crystals

Maybe I am just white rice

Hermes stop playing with that damned thing and come bother me

Give me the energy to keep facing tomorrows where no one notices me

Now the rain is falling again

This weather is as fickle as the human eye