Elucidating Questions

Resentment

Cutesie hashtags be the one bell talks suicide awareness

Blah blah blah

All My Puny Sorrows collected in a little jar to throw into the wind and hope it finds a different shore

Because I sure as fuck don’t want them

It rhymes in my accent

You didn’t know I had one until just then

Don’t do it

We love you

Someone cares

I

Don’t believe it because I can’t anymore

Don’t forget to call the suicide hotline and talk to your only friends

They dropped everything for you

You know what makes me laugh?

You know what’s funny?

They bought you a cake for your birthday and you decided to spend it infront of a train

They didn’t buy me a cake for my birthday

They didn’t know I went to the hospital

They didn’t see

Overdoses attempted hangings blood dripping down the drain

There’s no trains on Vancouver Island

Sometimes I stand on the tracks

And think

You fuckers you cancelled the train just in time for me to not be able to kill myself

I’m still fucking here

Sometimes I stand on the tracks and close my eyes and pretend the train is coming

Sometimes I pretend the car isn’t going to stop

His hand is on my arm

He’s angry

So am I

I wasn’t supposed to be here

My tears mean nothing to you

I lie here screaming to the aether

Sometimes

Sometimes when it hurts so much

I wish you could feel me crying

I want you to feel how I feel

And then I realise how terrible that is

And I thought I’d have it all figured out by now

But no one knows I’ve been crying

And you’re meeting and greeting and flashing smiles all around

And I could never afford to meet you

And I told myself you’d love me so I wouldn’t kill myself

It’s such a pretense I can’t pretend I’ll ever be good enough for you

All for you

And I think I’ll always

Always wait

If I’m crazy it’s your fault

Snap

Grumble

Mutter

Off doing your thing well because it’s who you are and I’m here floundering alone as usual

Sometimes I imagine you call

Sometimes I imagine we meet

Sometimes I catch myself and give myself a shake and remember that silence is a form

Of “No”

友達だけでも

知り合いだけでも

No

I don’t think I was prepared for this

I wasn’t prepared to not be standing off stage while you sing your heart out to catch you when the endorphins wear off

I wish I’d known you well enough to know

How empty my life would be when you didn’t want anything to do with me

I’ll be yours forever*

*= As long as you’ll be mine

As long as I can call you back, as long as I can smile, as long as I’m here, as long as my spirit flies through the spaces we’re so partial to.

How can there be a discretionary

Attaching asterisks and cautions

I’ve wanted one

I’ve wanted one because I was trapped between but when trapped between the between

How could I think such things

Here I was but I wasn’t willing to be alone

Being alone is so hard but

Here I am here I am

Just my body to be split amongst those who will take it

And my heart locked in a box waiting for the prince that will never come

Because he wouldn’t

And he’d scoff and say

I’m no prince

Wouldn’t you?

Sometimes I feel this frustration

I really thought I tried everything

Everything

And it still wasn’t enough

But it’s never enough

So much for the time of anyone’s life

But I’m just talking to myself

In an irony I remain unknown in the worst way

I just wish I’d wake up

Wake up and stop feeling

Stop feeling with my heart

I had a dream about you

But I don’t remember

But I don’t remember whenever I dream about you

Because if I remembered it would hurt

I would have to remember when I woke up what will never happen

How in that moment he passed on by I wish I had seen him

I wish my only chance to see him hadn’t been marred by the reality outside

I wish I’d met him I wish

I wish I’d had a second chance

But chances don’t exist

And I dreamt of you

But what does that even mean to you?

Nothing

Nothing

Just like me