Elucidating Questions

I always

Always

Shrunk away from him

From the moment it all started

His music makes my skin crawl

His presence makes me run to the one crawling in my skin

Now I just look despondent at the place he never is

And I point backwards

I went through that whole list of things I loved

Many other greats slipped past my fingers

But every time he came

I folded in

Now I just look despondent at the place he isn’t

Because they told me

The day I bought my guinea pigs

I dreamt I was in a different living room

Where there was my couch up against a wall

One the middle seat

Sat comfortable on the hide of a long dead cow

Was a capybara

He sat sitting

And by this I mean picture a middle aged man whose gut precedes him who is sat on his leather couch at the end of his day, legs wide open so the end seats are limited

Arms splayed over the backs of the cushions on either side to punctuate his ownership of the giant dead animal stuff with dead trees and stuffing

Strewn about the couch cushions and on the floor

Tens of guinea pigs

I wasn’t me

I wasn’t a person

I don’t know if I was there

The piggies never saw me, but for the entire short dream

King Capybara set me with a look

I remember his look

It was like

These are yours now

When you log in to Facebook

You learn your brother had his wisdom teeth out

Your other brother has a shoulder injury

You learn your mother picked out a wedding dress without including her children

You learn all the things no one could be bothered to tell you

A treasure trove of the life you’re missing

Not a part of

An observer

Instagram

Is a place I go to stare at people I don’t know having a far better time than me

I go to check on the one I love and look at him and try not to cry and remember when scrolling through his account was like

This is just the beginning

Soon I’ll be able to tell him everytime I see him how I feel

No

Twitter is where I go to pretend I have friends

Twitter is where I go to pretend any of these famous people give a flying fuck about me

All the while sitting here

No call

No messages

No updates no

Do you want to come over and keep your injured siblings company?

Just go!

You might say

But my mother always taught me I wasn’t welcome until I was invited

And I’m not

I’m not invited to the life they live without me

I’m not invited to life

They say

If you love someone then let them go

Bye-bye

Tash Lindsay Mum Hilary Mom Trystan Colwyn Devon Meghan Wade Kevin Sasha Sophia Amber Mike Matt

They don’t come back

Sometimes they come along and say

We should meet up!

What they mean is

I’m bored with my box right now, but there’s no way we’re meeting up

Goodbye

And the life I lead

Is alone

I wake up

I feed and water my fluffy piggy friends

I go to school/work

I go home

Minimal interaction with classmates

Customers aren’t people

Coworkers are coworkers

And then I go home

And I do so alone

No one calls on the phone

No one

No one messages me

The last message I received is dated March 2

Before that February 28

26

25

24

19

18

13

12

January 29

27

22

15

December 25

Do you want to know that I adopted animals to save my life

Selfish

Did you want to know how much I want to die but I will never abandon them

Do you want to know that every day I live

Watching other humans interacting

Friends

Family

Phones

They often travel in packs

Or I see them fervently typing messages to those who aren’t present

I wish I could do that too

If only when I’d come and said

Joshua Ramsay you are the only person I have left

If he’d believed me

Joshua you’re all I have left and I never had you to begin with

I have nothing

I am nothing

When you let what you love go

It runs away

And never returns.

I’m falling apart

I can’t take the pain I’m standing outside thinking

I don’t belong here

I want to go somewhere

I’m so lonely come help

I scream to Sirius with a lump in my throat

The stars shine silently

Or, really,

They blaze and I don’t know what sound waves do in space but I can only assume they’re quite loud

But from here there is silence

I’m beyond saving

No one tried to help me because I’m beyond saving they just gave up on me

And she had people fighting for her and she still did it and they loved her

No one loves me

No one wants me to stay

At least no one else has to see me on the floor of my kitchen sobbing

At least I’m the only one who has to experience me

Why is it war?

Singing beside him

Slightly disconnected

We aren’t singing together

We’re singing different stories

It’s not the same song

I can’t quite relate

He’s coming back

So this means war

Pull out your jetpacks

Yeah I don’t know

I haven’t seen you in so long

So

So I stand on a castle of glass

Flying away to novae and washing the poisons into the celestial river

I listen to you breathe hoping you will continue to do so

Chasing you in a song you don’t sing

You don’t sing

He’ll never see

彼の事考える訳ではない

There’s no way I’m thinking about him

書くまで意義あり

意義あり

To come as far as writing, I object

I object

逆ほど思うから

I’ll think until it’s reversed

どこまで思えば良い?

How far should I think?

どこまでがオーケー?

How far is okay?

そよ風ほど簡単

風ほど複雑

As simple as a breeze

As complex as the wind