Elucidating Questions

“I’m setting you free to spread your wings”

Those words will never stop haunting me

Because that’s what you do with disabled birds right?

Set them loose into nature to suffer reality?

I’m sure that’s why all those sanctuaries exist

7 years later

Still haunting me

The Queen of Hearts

Everyone loves her

My value to her was monetary

As it often is

And now it’s echoing again

Because this chaos is just another ripple of me being free

The way homelessness looms

The way I’ve slowly lost control of my house

Sitting here hungry

It was hard being disabled in my early 20s but I pretended I wasn’t any different

She forced me into full time work

How many thousands of dollars have I paid, struggling, versus what I owed them?

To loan companies

Just trying to get that hundred I need

Only to be short it next time

Just to fall into a loan loop I couldn’t get out of

I can’t explain why I’m bad with money in a way that will satisfy anyone

It’s just meaningless to me

The things I want have value

The money is a number sitting in my bank

I never think about later

Or expect something to come up

I always forget something

If I budget I forget to check the budget

But none of that matters now

I’d like to see one of these so called money instructors budget their way out of $2100 income with $2100 rent.

Can’t do it can you?

My mum says it’s not my fault that I’m going to have to give up my animals

I’ve doomed two yearlings to the rescue life

I adopted a girl last November for forever and now she’s going to be alone

Druzzy is a senior

She’s going to die in rescue

Instead of in my arms

I don’t even want to think about what happens if I have to give up Pan

Bunnies are worse than guinea pigs for rehoming

I should have managed by myself

I shouldn’t have brought these poor creatures into my life

Somehow

Just existed here all alone

Why didn’t I see this?

My mum said I’m not clairvoyant

Except I am

And I see all sorts of things and there were signs

I missed them

I hate to think what else I miss

Time whispering keywords at me

The Universe quietly responding to my thoughts

Keywords

I have to figure this out

Please let me land somewhere safe

I want to go back to Japan

But it’s different than I remember it

Nothing stays the same

Time works their magic

Change

Death

Rebirth

Repeat

I want to go back to Japan and have it be exactly how I left it

My teacher no older

My friends not grown into families

It’s the only past I yearn for

It hurts to think back

マーそうだね

Does anyone feel when it cracks?

How do human feelings stay within the dimension within them?

I wonder if feeling was planned

They explode, they expand, things come together, spinning occurs

Secrets and roles to play

Then life happened

I already think that was an accident

Oops life

Doesn’t that seem likely for this Universe?

Oops life

This Universe of infinite possibilities

And the weirdest fucking shit

And we’re, us living, this mirror image of it

Chaos and unity, weirdness yet strange order

Things that can and cannot be explained

Sometimes stuff just happens here

Expect the unexpected

I wonder how human emotion exists outside of it?

Everything within this space affects everything else around it

I don’t know if these great beasts feel

They mimic feeling

No I suppose that’s reductive

They feel in ways I cannot comprehend

And occasionally donning a mortal face

We are alike

These humans spinning around their black holes

Do they all fall in?

Or die to leave their precarious positions to their children like a sick inheritance?

Who falls in?

The ring of roses

Emotion is vast and deep

Yet every human feels within themselves

What is that space connected to?

If not this one?

I’m not alone in my head

How many people carry others?

The thing

I struggle to call a being within me

Tricking me into belief

A survival mechanism come to life?

I’d look up but

It never mattered to begin with

All this doing my best

And it’s going to disappear into my past

As Time runs

And I exist within

Give me back my dreams

I want them back

Where will I be this time next year?

Will I have a home?

Will I even be alive?

Will I have to give up everything?

I don’t think I would live through rehoming my animals

Everything feels so pointless

Now that I’m just killing time until something happens

And I don’t know what

Homelessness, a sad trailer, whatever happens it’s not going to be here

People have just been casually ruining my life recently

When he said he was thinking of moving his kid down here I thought 13? 15?

Nah, kid’s in grade 3 or 4 and his cop daddy can’t handle having him 3 days a week so he wants to make him live in the basement

I swear if I hear one peep from that kid about moving into my suite I’m going to lose it

If I have to hear “I’m excited!” about my life as I know it ending I’m going to scream

The kid probably has no idea

How casually his father ruined my life

After my manager went ahead and did that already

We’ll just ruin a different area

I feel hated

It’s always the landlord coming along to fuck up my life

Either the Queen of Hearts with her pregnancy hormones which made everything she did to me fine

The Alleged Yakuza Queen (aka Ms. Compulsive Liar) making up a disease to not have to live with me anymore (yup)

And now this

Like there’s no way this child needs an entire suite to himself.

He’s a single child with a bedroom AND and entire play room. Like, upstairs has three bedrooms, and he has two. For three days

Fucking bullshit

I could hope that I get a little place

Easier to clean

Maybe with closets?

But what has hope every gotten me?

It’s usually at the moment I give up hope that some thing comes along

This place was the only good thing to happen

Even with all the screaming and the banging and the stomping

I probably won’t be living in Victoria anymore

I was born here

But there’s no place for me here

Not for $2100

That’s about 99% of my income.

It was already hard enough

People have failed me at many stages of my life

I know I’m not perfect

Rather, damaged

But why is it that I live in a world where I can do nothing, where I would do anything for them I could?

It’s all talk

I’d do this

People don’t care what you would do

They care what you’re doing

And my hands are largely tied by disability and poverty

I wish I’d seen this one coming

Hard to when I have packing dreams every night

You can’t exactly add extra nuance to that like this one’s for real

Is this the end?

It doesn’t matter what you build

Someone will come along to break it down

No one ever uses evil for good

Nope you’ve got people using good for evil and people using evil for evil

No one ever innovates and tries to be evil for the sake of good

Oh, no, autocorrect, they are constantly using God as an excuse for evil

Every day, in fact

Perhaps every minute

That’s not related to this though

Please?

Anyone who’s listening

Please let me keep my babies.

What to write?

I feel like I’m doing that walking through hell with a smile thing again

I can never tell

Am I supposed to 超える every thing that comes my way?

Or is it all to see what will finally break me?

Found out my brain wakes up every 2 minutes when I’m sleeping

This explains why I’m fighting a losing battle

How do you win against that?

The doctor said giving up caffeine would help

When caffeine is the one thing keeping me going

What exactly would I gain eventually from the trade off?

I’m not quiting one of my drugs for your possibilities

And then the bizarre REM sleep

I found out it’s probably the drugs I’m taking that are causing the reoccurring dreams

Thank fucking god because I don’t want to summon the god of Death

Seriously what was I supposed to think after dreaming that repeatedly for 5 years?

But, like, what now?

I’m on a carefully balanced pyramid of drugs

Prescription and non

Do I start switching shit out to see if I can finally stop having these exact same fucking trauma riddled dreams every night?

Do I take tranquilizers?

What do I do to defeat this demon from within?

An actual demon from within and not some imagined shit

My body is killing me

I wished for this as a teen

To get a disease that would slowly kill me

Because I was too cowardly to do it myself

But, man

Okay

So, go off all the drugs was not the answer

Clearly taking all the drugs is not the answer

Maybe just not the right drugs?

Ugh I guess I’ll talk it over with my doctor in December

I guess I’m going to need a new doctor

Haha fuck

You do enjoy putting me in tight spots don’t you?

And now there’s you

My secret to keep

I thought I was free from you in the wild

Yet here you are

Here you are

Immediately upon coming in from the cold

In a place I wouldn’t have come but for the wind

Weeks

Without but a whisper of you

Good

Enjoy playing absentee father

Now here you are

And I’m anything but fine

I’m the one who’s awake and trying

You’re dead asleep

I’ve never heard him on this station before

The Cosmic DJ is stalking me with a person

We’re not doing that any more

There you go, there’s your moment

You’re still on my mind and it still hurts and it still doesn’t matter

That I sing to you

And my house is going to be gone

And my animals are probably going to be gone

And I’m not fucking fine

Cosmic DJ

Why you torment me with him

Don’t you tell me what to do

Up and down

All around

Now you praise me for my spirit

I’ll just have to believe you have nothing to do with the need for it

I wonder if she’s resting well

The past of me

When I put her down and didn’t pick her up again

Told her she was too heavy

We weren’t meant to be

Ah yes

I hope she’s alive and well as well

It wasn’t time for me to take care of others

Yeah it was right around then

Everything seemed right

Was it?

It now seems like another sequence of missteps

I wasn’t prepared for you today

To present me with him

And when it’s on my own device I can skip the song because it still hurts

Don’t let me die here

What does that mean to you?

This a duet where they’re both crying to be saved

Who does the saving I wonder?

I’ve cried out a few times

For all it does

What?

Quit the silence I’ve made of it and go crying again?

There was blood pouring out and they didn’t care

And busy is a four letter word

I’ll understand someday if I notice?

Yeah, that seems to be the way of it

Seeing the signs once they’ve become relevant

Thanks for the warning I guess?

Maybe he is me

Maybe it’s just me

Telling me from the future

Sometimes I think I’m the only person on this planet

Confirmation bias

More of that Trickster’s Light I mentioned once

The Sun is not over there

I did want to move

I did want to get into subsidised housing

But this is too much

And what would dreaming of him do?

I’m usually well behaved

He was the one exception

Never knew why

You just do things

You just force these circumstances

This is the longest I ever lived somewhere

Please let me land somewhere permanent

I’m so full of childhood trauma about moving

My never ending reoccurring dreams

I want to go to a place where if I have to be alone for the rest of my life I can live there until then

I’m so tired of being alone

I’m so tired of you haunting me

I’m so tired of the last year

Just rehome your animals

So what you’re saying is, you want me to live through every single one of my animals in essence dying?

I promised them I’d be with them from the moment they first met me until I died

And I’d rather die than rehome them

But I suppose I’d have to rehome them before I die anyways

So it’s going to happen

Or I leave the city I was born in because rich people moved here

And now they’re the only people who can live here

Was it a warning?

Were you using him as an example?

This is someone moving

Universe you’re shit on the delivery

There won’t be a part where I’m moving with old animals over any bridge

Unless it’s to take them to the SPCA I guess

It’s amazing, my life was going well despite the horrible accident that completely fucked me up last year and my sister dying

Work wise and living in one place wise I guess

It’s all just a series of card pyramids

Everything you’ve built in life

And suddenly it’s all the pyramids fall

Bye whatever that life was

Yeah I guess we’re coming back to the point about 10 years ago when everything started falling apart

I didn’t get to go to Japan though

It wasn’t worth it

None of this is worth it

2016 the first time

2024 now

No this time ten years ago I was just arriving in Japan and I wish I could go back because whatever this is afterwards isn’t it

This isn’t it