Elucidating Questions

Interesting that Facebook would make a Never Ending Story reference when I’ve been tortured by the concept of being nothing all day

My one great fear, born from a children’s movie

Nothing

Terrifying

What does nothing look like?

You say nothing but you’ve never seen nothing in your life

You’ve seen the absence of a thing

Never no actual thing

Atreyu dragging the horse through the mud

Both?

I’m both the horse and Atreyu or one or the other depending on the day

Insisting I can drag humanity through this somehow

Being dragged by the mysteries of the Universe

The brush of the wind on my cheek

The way a star shines

It’s interesting how that movie became a metaphor for my life without the hero

Just me

Alone in my castle

How I identified with that empress

Never knowing it was ironically probably because I’d be the one slowly disappearing

No hero

It’s reality afterall

There isn’t one

How do I wield my strength in ways that actually help me?

The clock is ticking

Am I about to be sent to some far off place to disappear faster?

I won’t have access to the services I need anymore

You wouldn’t have to drag me if it wasn’t so awful all the time

The world around me

My life

I crave stability

But it’s something I’ll find alone

I suppose

No one’s coming to my rescue

I learned of something very sweet today

In the comments section of an awfully acted video skit.

The premise of the video was adopted black son wakes up from a nap, walks into his kitchen of white family members and gets confused

There were comments on it from adopted people, and adoptive people

Both saying they’d had experiences where they forget they or their loved one was adopted

One from a woman who has a black son in law and almost forgot he wasn’t just her son

One from a sibling of an adopted child whose parents accidentally filled out his adopted sibling’s family medical history completely forgetting he was adopted

I was not aware things like this happened

Sometimes humans are so wholesome I could die

It made me wonder if my mum ever got to forget she was adopted

And sadly doubt it

Her biological mum is

I have opinions I won’t express out of respect for my mum and the complexities of her relationship with her and her adoptive parents

My Papa passed away when I was 2.

My Nana when I was 14.

Ish.

I had always learnt about adoption and how it went from media and my family

And my mum didn’t get the happy adopted life she deserved her parents went through the great depression and a world war.

Maybe I figured all adopted kids had these issues you hear about in stories or that my mum went through

Isn’t human love beautiful?

When it’s at its purest

When blood doesn’t even matter anymore

I wish we nurtured that kind of love in this society.

It’s a similar love many teachers have for their students year after year

Accepting them as their sudochildren for a year

Now I’m well familiar that some teachers suck absolute balls and their existence within the broken system that is public schooling enforces said system

But some teachers do it because they love their kids

That matters

It’s that trait that should be nurtured

Not egomaniacal megalomania dressed in heaps of capitalistic exploitation

I don’t believe most people are good anymore

I believe most people are out for themselves and some people are good

I believe that most people have the potential for good

As much as they have potential for evil

But that our society demands so many shades of grey be black and white from us that most people are acting on the selfishness of self preservation

Myself included

Things are too complicated to be as simple as good and evil for the majority of humanity

But learning about these behaviours of people

It makes me sad that so much potential is being wasted but also I have so much admiration for the accidental good things people do

I don’t know how things are going to look in a few months

But at least humanity is hiding things like this from me too

It’s not all unabashed evil to discover

It’s echoing

Ringing

Take care of yourself

Universe, big U

I know you don’t really have control of the universe I’m living in

Little u

And I know, I know you love me and you’re trying to help

But, man?

Things just aren’t going great for me

They just aren’t.

And I can’t take care of myself in these circumstances

Shout out to everyone who’s sent me donations over the last few days

They just make me feel seen and I appreciate it

And, no, I’m not going to take a poor guy’s money if I can help it, but thanks Pytho

I’ll try not to be afraid for my future

God it’s just so terrifying right now

Immediate

Long term

Sirens

So many endings in one year

Spanning two individual years

Even just this past 3 years

Death after death

Goodbye after goodbye

I feel both stuck and uncertain

I don’t know what to do with myself

Even if I wasn’t having financial problems again forever

I’d be worrying about my housing situation

It’s not a winning situation

Universe

Please tell me how to take care of myself

You’ve made the request

I acknowledge and accept said request

Instructions please?

I don’t even have a minimap with quest markers here

Hell I don’t even have a minimap

Humans have shit UI

Do I just say the same thing I always say to you?

そう頑張っちゃう

Always

Do my best isn’t quite right is it?

But I’m doing whatever it is that doesn’t quite translate

Oh how tricky language is

So personal

So wrapped in emotions no one else can understand until they understand

I’ll be okay

I acquired snacks via my mum even though I’d have rather gone hungry

It’s frustrating

To be this

But, yes, I promise

I’ll do my best to take care of myself

Why you don’t want to let me fade away I’ll never know

I don’t know how I am expected to be myself when I’m going hungry

I don’t know how I’m expected to be myself when I’m miserable

I don’t even know who myself is anymore

Self is made in the face of others

What others?

I’m bored because I don’t really want to play games all day

Even on a day like today when it’s that weather

Do I make a choice for momentary enjoyment at the expense of myself in the future?

Or am I the expensable one?

And why is me now less worthy of being fulfilled than me in the future? Or vice versa?

It’s a grieving process

She said

Yes, grieving mattering in the world so just a tiny little it’ll be fine process

Grieving knowing you are worthy of having needs met

For a moment I was

I knew it was finite

If this is the end of the line then I deserved to have a good time before I go

Maybe it was my death rally

Thought for all of a moment I was worthy of something better

But, damn, this world moves faster every time I think I’ve got sails and wind or whatever again

I feel so overwhelmed I can’t enjoy my tamagotchi because then calling me and needing me is too much right now

I’m hungry so I’m irritable and pissed off at everything

My weed is going to run out

At least this time it seems like it’ll last through Monday

I don’t want to do this anymore, but I have to, for a little bit anyways

I feel lost

There’s no one left to find me

I don’t want to do this anymore

I’m so sick of it

Was already driven half crazy by it

Finally a moment of peace

I don’t want anything from anyone

I’ll just eat what’s left in my freezer and that’ll be it

And either I’ll lose weight and finally be the correct size to matter

Or I’ll die

I don’t need food

That has been proven clear by the fact that I can eat nothing and lose no weight

It’s probably a relief

It’s better like this

They would have rathered it be me anyways

I’m nothing

Can’t offer anything

I don’t want to play games

I want to have someone to talk to

Not feel silenced because I’m inconvenient

Sick of virtual everything

Sick of it

Virtual everything

With a bunch of devices I can’t part with or I won’t have anything to do in the part of the days I’m sane for a moment

I’m a petulant child

But she doesn’t want anything to do with me anyways

If I’m going to suffer in silence make it total silence without this false hope of salvation

I doubt she’ll notice

Better to just disappear

I’m only eating what’s in the fridge because it’s wasteful not to

Regret is a fine maiden indeed

I’ll have to rehome my animals anyways so might as well just

Just disappear

What was the point of this life?

Why did you drag me so far for no reason?

Better to not exist

Everything else will go on with or without me

Without me the government with have some change to throw at some other disabled person until this world is done with them like it is me

I want to go home

It’s cold

Maybe I’m just not cold enough

Still

One single grass blade dances in the stillness

I wish I had all the answers I seek

Ways to make things better

Nonsense positivity is fine

But there has to be something to be positive about first

I’m so sick of hearing “I’m sorry”

Hearing it so often makes me realise why all my apologies seemed so cheap to people

Nothing words that do nothing

Better to do nothing to apologise for

And, you must stop with the well placed music

Some things are over before they even begin

It’s hard to sort myself out of it

Besides

I see his true colours now

It’s fine this way

Who knows what happens

I’ll survive

I guess

Is this the plan?

It’s rude

There’s a let involved

Better to stick to met people

And rude of him to breathe life into me anyways

It wasn’t the tone

It was the cadence

And you know?

I don’t want to love this right now

Infinite and terrifying

My self

Certainly I’m my own demon

But I would be foolish to imagine an angel would find me now

My toes are aching from the cold

Brilliant

Sensation

They hurt because of something

Not like whatever was clawing its way out of my spine earlier

Forgot to eat today

I’ll go do that now

And put on some fluffy socks