Elucidating Questions

The story is going so much better than this is

They meet, he shows up incognito

They meet

I don’t know what the fuck is happening but hello

Haha

It’s like sick

Disgusting

Fanfiction

You wrote that?

Hahaha

What absolute fucking trash you are

Writing your fantasy like it could ever happen

Oh as it all comes back

I’m heading each fucking high were all the lows filtered out

It’s just too fucked up

Now I look at you

This

This

You were going to believe anything you thought

I don’t understand anymore

ちょっと

Have I accidentally turned hordes of tween children against me?

Thank god a horde on the internet is a fucking

Look you

Well

Besides the fact that it was the biggest disappointment in my entire life

Dick

Because I loved you too

The night we tag teamed was the night you threw your hissy fit on stage

Hey hey hey

バーカ

… Well he was sick

We already did this stop forgetting stuff

Have you ever wondered why I stopped letting you write after heartbreak?

It’s just a break

Just a break

Now this is a brake

You don’t have to be broken and left down behind

Why did you fly to the worst first

Worst first thirst lost in the frosty sick

Do you remember when the lightning tiger crashed through the fence?

No, you don’t

Because I tried to make contact with you and you couldn’t be fucked to acknowledge me.

Is that what someone with a sense of self would say?

Or something a very disappointed person would say?

They said don’t meet your heroes

Not

Don’t fall in love with

The part he plays

And then try to meet him

I fucking believed it

But you know?

You can’t fake enjoying being on stage Joshua Ramsay.

You fucking botched the ever living fuck out of the Victoria concert.

Maybe you couldn’t be fucked because you’re too cool and too rich to bother this time around

But maybe the reason the seats were so empty was because you fucking suck when you play in Victoria.

So here we are in the city watching buildings growing up with better care than humans

And the eyes keep drifting elsewhere but my heart is on repeat

Practising words that it doesn’t know yet and making sure they’re set

And I have this persistent image in my mind of this building and him

Standing outside with his foot up on the wall like he’s a part of the backdrop of the city

Not a rich boy with too much time on his hand

Just another person who happened to be here at a time

Just a person

Just part of the background

And even though it’s never happened and there’s no way it could now

My mind teases me with these images

Because it knows what I want

せめて、せめて、「彼」と出会いたいんです…

You’re perfect for eachother

A woman on the bus says to the couple infront of me

Are they?

Can they be?

Is there a way to be perfect?

Made for each other?

It pings around my mind like a ball through blocks

ある?

ある?

ある?

I wonder, as it hits and rings ある? like a bell

If such a thing could be real

I hardly believe it anymore

Is believing blindly in something naïve or stupid? Both?

How can I when I’ve never seen it

Perfect for eachother

At one time I believed I really was

And so was he

So few times I told your fortune

The few times I only saw the worst

But mine were worse

And how they terrified me

Those whispered futures

Thinking I’d created a demon I erased it

But the demon all along was the doubt which crept in

Afraid and alone

I was afraid and alone and scrambling because I felt everything slipping

And those who came went again

And otherwise they didn’t come

So I swallowed the doubt into my soul

Lost myself inside the hole

Where all was left was his love that I needed to live

Kept alive but a burning heart

Kept alive by a wildfire

In that dark place I wept and turned

All I could hear was how it burned

Fear and doubt doubled to the worst

Long lost love love of the first

Graves of names

Lost litanies latent

Whispered in the trees

Sweet softening sorrows

Stone graves of names

World wildly wailing

Those who won’t return

Yet they remain