Elucidating Questions

They begin posting quotes from videos

Everyone knows what’s happening

I don’t

I feel left out

I want to laugh too

I go to search the video up

I freeze

My stomach tightens

I think I may throw up though I haven’t eaten since yesterday

I think

But then I’ll love them more and it’ll hurt and it won’t matter

So much pointless love

I tried so hard

But got nowhere

And in the end it’s wasted love that they don’t actually accept

They pretend to accept it with

Hugs and hand holding

Reaching and sitting up close

Thoughtful thankful tweets and cursory shoutouts via ❤️ or ♻️

All this fake reciprocated love I’m afraid to love and never see myself loved back

Hoarder. You’re a hoarder.

Change my mind.

Oh how I wanted to kiss you someday too

As well as yesterday

And tomorrow

Even if your love was met with mixed reviews I was something different something new

Don’t tell me you fucked up when I’m the one who crashed through the window

I haven’t been to any parties

To know what a party entails

Please begin explaining exactly what a party is

I assume it’s an E cut in half

I wish tomorrow still felt like it was worth waiting for

Now,

It’s simply an inevitability

Yesterday

Doesn’t feel so good

And a day away I have to say

When I called your name

Your empty reply

What kind of happiness did I not know?

Forever and ever

Of these days that I believe will continue on

When your eyes were half closed and you laughed kindly

I loved you

The way you were so thin

How you were warm and your precious voice

No matter how much we won’t meet

Those things you said carried to my ears

I’ll never forget

She didn’t start doing drugs

I did

She didn’t start smoking

I did

And these things she does because the body is stuck stick sticking

She started drinking

To be fair I’d been pressuring her into it and didn’t start till much later so there you go

It’s been like a revolution

But nothing’s changed

Repeating repeating

繰り返し繰り返し

As the ocean’s name left my lips

海の名前を言う瞬間

Gazing up from the screen

画面から見切れた時

And her waves swept in

その海の波が流動した

That deja vu

その既視感

And we call out to each other

お互い呼び出す

Just once more, once more.

もう一度だけ、もう一度

It’s piling up

The things

When people come in and the topic of

Family

Happens

The funny thing is

I wish we’d never met

Do you think that sounds harsh?

It would have been better if I had never met her

It wouldn’t matter to her after all she’s gone

Poof

19 years

Poof

Just like that, every story I told about how much I loved them

Just hurts

Just hurts

It just hurts

Perhaps I should be content in the ache

At least they aren’t hurting

But you know what?

The cat was always the voice who told me to stay away from her

He was right

I wish I hadn’t met her

The funny thing is up until the day I started Brownies I had a pretty okay life

If I could change one thing in my life

I’d stop me

Because it hurts

And I’m selfish

Dear you

Dear you

Dear you

You are the best I’ve ever had twenty five years ago I loved you

I hope that in twenty five years I get to hear what you had to say about it

Dear bear

Dear bear

Dear bear

You’re a damn good uncle of the night

Like a light

To chase away the nightmares

Sirius A and B

Sirius’ most loving God child

No object permanence but I love you

My ears are still ringing

Ring

Ring

Ring