Elucidating Questions

In those ways you’ll never know

The sound of you bringing a silly smile to my face unbidden

How there were moments I’d run to you and cry

Sob into the sounds of you aching

How your tender voice would slip into my pain and lead me out again

Down and then out

Like a hand offered when the room was empty

When it goes hollow and stops sounding real

Empty songs

Whispers in the dark

I wish I could have saved you

I wish you could have saved me

The clouds here are white, grey, and puffy.

What did they look like there?

Did the bird I just heard light on the tree and sing his song?

Were there trees?

I wonder where it was there

I can point you a trail there I was

But I can’t explain

This was night left sitting in the park for hours just incase just incase

Somehow

This was hours asking endless questions as a bird peeping for the first time

This was excruciating

This was without a cut in the ache

Just calmly they whispered

Don’t get lost in nostalgia

No world is without its pains

So there is a temporary home in this planet

But just as a rented apartment

I want to leave it in a condition that the next tenant can live here as well.

Neck craned

Staring at Mars and the Sky

And Uranus

Neck craned and already looking like I know they’re there but I just felt them

Why who knows why

I don’t really belong here

The fish whispers, nervous, to the fire

And yet

And yet

Duality

They begin posting quotes from videos

Everyone knows what’s happening

I don’t

I feel left out

I want to laugh too

I go to search the video up

I freeze

My stomach tightens

I think I may throw up though I haven’t eaten since yesterday

I think

But then I’ll love them more and it’ll hurt and it won’t matter

So much pointless love

I tried so hard

But got nowhere

And in the end it’s wasted love that they don’t actually accept

They pretend to accept it with

Hugs and hand holding

Reaching and sitting up close

Thoughtful thankful tweets and cursory shoutouts via ❤️ or ♻️

All this fake reciprocated love I’m afraid to love and never see myself loved back

Hoarder. You’re a hoarder.

Change my mind.

Oh how I wanted to kiss you someday too

As well as yesterday

And tomorrow

Even if your love was met with mixed reviews I was something different something new

Don’t tell me you fucked up when I’m the one who crashed through the window

I haven’t been to any parties

To know what a party entails

Please begin explaining exactly what a party is

I assume it’s an E cut in half

I wish tomorrow still felt like it was worth waiting for

Now,

It’s simply an inevitability

Yesterday

Doesn’t feel so good

And a day away I have to say

When I called your name

Your empty reply

What kind of happiness did I not know?

Forever and ever

Of these days that I believe will continue on

When your eyes were half closed and you laughed kindly

I loved you

The way you were so thin

How you were warm and your precious voice

No matter how much we won’t meet

Those things you said carried to my ears

I’ll never forget

She didn’t start doing drugs

I did

She didn’t start smoking

I did

And these things she does because the body is stuck stick sticking

She started drinking

To be fair I’d been pressuring her into it and didn’t start till much later so there you go

It’s been like a revolution

But nothing’s changed