Elucidating Questions

Sometimes it feels so wrong not to have a penis

And I dress myself

But other days she dressed me and I’m suddenly

It’s hard to have nothing running through

No chemical brovado

It’s so wrong

But she can’t be that

I couldn’t put her in the box so I could be comfortable

I couldn’t stop her from being alive so I could be alive

So we both live and she wonders

If there’s something wrong with her

Our shattered mind between us

Sometimes she dresses up so pretty and I see her/me in the mirror and

God she’s so pretty

But what the hell am I?

Sometimes she hears me and I watch with guilt as she turns that question into knives for herself

Finding herself fat and ugly instead of my finding her

Pretty obviously pretty much pretty soon

We’ve flipped and she doesn’t recognise my thought trailing behind

Only the way she felt coming into it

And the question remains

What are we?

Why?

How?

And I’m not crazy she’s not crazy you’re crazy

We function just fine without you

Except for the crushing loneliness

Except for the neverending alone time story

There are two crows

Sitting on the line across from me I look at them looking

And whomever remembers comes forward but in the endless river of

All alone

Tonight

Alone all

Alone tonight

Alone

Neither of us could pass the test of being asked

If we wished the other gone

Because I sure

Sure have

I sure have

Wouldn’t it be so much easier

Without the twins dancing in the dark

Waiting to be told we walked away

When we stand here

Fingers intertwined

Staring

Waiting

I remember standing there watching him walk by and then going back to the phone

I remember crying and thinking

God, it looks like I’m crying because he didn’t see me

I remember thinking

It would be better all made up put back together like he was the perfect salve if we’d met

Because my reality hurt so much

It would all be better

But instead I watched as he pulled away

If only one dream could come true

The strike of midnight

When there was no you

I saw the new departure

Stuck inside a hole waiting patiently to be let out

But the warrior grizzled and powerful stands outside

Why do you hate me?

Understandably misunderstood

As the bard sings her crow song fluttering through her lute

As the mage gathers power only for the better and to disperse

The bear comes over the hill

Never forgetting that the path is clearer in groups

And that under every dark king’s helmet is a scared and hurt little boy

Where was ones?

Where’s the top?

Much easier said

I thought so many things you don’t need to see

And I wish I’d had the chance to touch your face

Meeting in the dark

With these things I shouldn’t have started

No one cares about the rhythm of my heart

So this falls sharply silently

Fantasies are only for breaking and I’ll never be

Real

And after you there’s nothing there’s only

This emptiness

I couldn’t

I couldn’t

I couldn’t

Do those things I wanted to start

There’s only one slave

And no one gives a fuck about my heart

I still wish I hadn’t failed all those times I tried to kill myself and not leaving you means absolutely fucking nothing so

Here I am in the dark all alone waiting for no one to show as the night goes on and there’s nothing left

I fucked up the rhythm

Oops

Oh oh I don’t give a fuck.

I know.

But don’t spill your guts you

Could not spill your guts out

I hope you know you don’t deserve it that you’re more than half a man

When you’re feeling alien and outside and can’t feel alive

And I know you do

Because I do too

It’s a slipping silent

Creeping quiet

You should know you’re more than you think you are

The baby of the melody

Even here

So what are you?

Preciously tragically human

I think your hopes were set too high I’d give you a bandaid if I could

I wish I knew how to make all these days go by without the alibis

You’re more than you could think to be

Nothing is perfect

But at least it doesn’t kill you

Hollow promises for perfection

I wish I could see all the expressions you pretend with

Without wanting to notice that as you have less pounds you have less to sell

At least it doesn’t kill you

And you have shirts sometimes now

Nothing is better

Everything is the same

Nothing is better

It wasn’t perfect to begin with

So good luck

What I want what I need

Isn’t killing you

Devorce for less

It wasn’t perfect to start