Elucidating Questions

I don’t know how I am expected to be myself when I’m going hungry

I don’t know how I’m expected to be myself when I’m miserable

I don’t even know who myself is anymore

Self is made in the face of others

What others?

I’m bored because I don’t really want to play games all day

Even on a day like today when it’s that weather

Do I make a choice for momentary enjoyment at the expense of myself in the future?

Or am I the expensable one?

And why is me now less worthy of being fulfilled than me in the future? Or vice versa?

It’s a grieving process

She said

Yes, grieving mattering in the world so just a tiny little it’ll be fine process

Grieving knowing you are worthy of having needs met

For a moment I was

I knew it was finite

If this is the end of the line then I deserved to have a good time before I go

Maybe it was my death rally

Thought for all of a moment I was worthy of something better

But, damn, this world moves faster every time I think I’ve got sails and wind or whatever again

I feel so overwhelmed I can’t enjoy my tamagotchi because then calling me and needing me is too much right now

I’m hungry so I’m irritable and pissed off at everything

My weed is going to run out

At least this time it seems like it’ll last through Monday

I don’t want to do this anymore, but I have to, for a little bit anyways

I feel lost

There’s no one left to find me

I don’t want to do this anymore

I’m so sick of it

Was already driven half crazy by it

Finally a moment of peace

I don’t want anything from anyone

I’ll just eat what’s left in my freezer and that’ll be it

And either I’ll lose weight and finally be the correct size to matter

Or I’ll die

I don’t need food

That has been proven clear by the fact that I can eat nothing and lose no weight

It’s probably a relief

It’s better like this

They would have rathered it be me anyways

I’m nothing

Can’t offer anything

I don’t want to play games

I want to have someone to talk to

Not feel silenced because I’m inconvenient

Sick of virtual everything

Sick of it

Virtual everything

With a bunch of devices I can’t part with or I won’t have anything to do in the part of the days I’m sane for a moment

I’m a petulant child

But she doesn’t want anything to do with me anyways

If I’m going to suffer in silence make it total silence without this false hope of salvation

I doubt she’ll notice

Better to just disappear

I’m only eating what’s in the fridge because it’s wasteful not to

Regret is a fine maiden indeed

I’ll have to rehome my animals anyways so might as well just

Just disappear

What was the point of this life?

Why did you drag me so far for no reason?

Better to not exist

Everything else will go on with or without me

Without me the government with have some change to throw at some other disabled person until this world is done with them like it is me

I want to go home

It’s cold

Maybe I’m just not cold enough

Still

One single grass blade dances in the stillness

I wish I had all the answers I seek

Ways to make things better

Nonsense positivity is fine

But there has to be something to be positive about first

I’m so sick of hearing “I’m sorry”

Hearing it so often makes me realise why all my apologies seemed so cheap to people

Nothing words that do nothing

Better to do nothing to apologise for

And, you must stop with the well placed music

Some things are over before they even begin

It’s hard to sort myself out of it

Besides

I see his true colours now

It’s fine this way

Who knows what happens

I’ll survive

I guess

Is this the plan?

It’s rude

There’s a let involved

Better to stick to met people

And rude of him to breathe life into me anyways

It wasn’t the tone

It was the cadence

And you know?

I don’t want to love this right now

Infinite and terrifying

My self

Certainly I’m my own demon

But I would be foolish to imagine an angel would find me now

My toes are aching from the cold

Brilliant

Sensation

They hurt because of something

Not like whatever was clawing its way out of my spine earlier

Forgot to eat today

I’ll go do that now

And put on some fluffy socks

We all deserve to live like we’re kids forever.

I’m not saying that we don’t work or contribute in any way if we can

But work shouldn’t be labour

And we should make things easier, safer, where we can

And let eachother have the freedom of free time to just be

Raising children shouldn’t be a two person job

It wasn’t, way way back

Kids worked then, but we know better

Something humanity is

Sub-decent at is course correcting (recent history not withstanding) eventually

Life should be more than this

You’re a slave to money then you die

You’re a slave to the capitalist machine

See, I envision a rose coloured place where this is heaven.

We have this capability to do great things

But I think this constant search for more and more is foolish in some places

We can say “we don’t need more than this”

We should have, in fact

Some things, medicine, for instance, I understand this need to know more

But I think our accepted methods of furthering this research are barbaric and I’d sacrifice having to wait for cures for things if they’d stop torturing other living creatures for it

We all deserve to live like we’re kids

Every living thing

Just enjoying

I know that would be hard to accomplish with, y’know, bugs and stuff

Some other person can come and platform bug leisure though

I don’t know enough about them

I wish there was a place like what I imagine

Sometimes I wish I was creating paradise in my life

All the things I needed, or noticed other people needing, other beings

That I was creating a place where that would be provided to them

But paradise, heaven, is just a cop out of life

You don’t have to affect real change because you’re going to heaven where it’s going to be better so it doesn’t matter

I know it’s a coping method

My mind making me dream fantasies of a better place during the day

My mind saying it can’t handle reality for a moment and needed a break

Gather up all the fantasies of those without

Make a world just for them

Those who already have don’t need to be there

They can have their gods

Those seen by the gods can have them

But I want this place to be better

This is Eden

This gorgeous planet

It’s Wild Eden

I don’t want to tame it I want to live within it

I want to coexist here

With everything

Scraping together what I can this week

The weed story will be much the same

But at least I’ll have nicotine

I wish this upcoming so called disabled people uplifting benefit was $2000 a month

Not a year.

Oh yeah I’m just going to save those $200 allotments

That’s possible

I’m not sure how I’m going to fair

This promise of continued struggle just makes me want to run away

I wish I could run away from my disease

Maybe I’m being spared from something

But the hours, days, weeks, months, I have spent alone

Have simply prepared me to want to give up

I miss mostly well me

Lonely as hell

But entertained, drugged appropriately, and fed

That was nice

I’m an idiot

But at least I can say I had a nice time again before I die

That’s not happening again any time soon

It’s not like I can’t understand, other than in my worst moments, why no one is rushing in to help

I would help me, but I would help everyone, and I’m not a good benchmark

Why anyone has to live like this I’ll never know

I’ll never understand it

The fact that most people on this planet are worse off than me just

It shouldn’t be this way

I’m so stuck

I need an income

I can’t make the income I need

So, like, what?

I’m not finding a partner. I can’t offer sex, and most people don’t like that

Some person who doesn’t want to live with me officially, because I may lose my benefits, and will never be able to marry me, similarly so, who doesn’t want sex, or place expectations on me I’ll never meet until they slowly fade into obscurity like everyone else

Yeah right

I don’t know

I dream of a way out because I can’t actually find my way out

There aren’t chances all over town

Only for those with connections

I don’t know if I want to be here for the next four years

It’s really hard right now

I feel like every time I think I’ve found the darkest my life will go it gets darker

And suddenly I’m craving the light of suffering to the lesser degree

I need like $100 to just show up

Why does it always feel like that amount no matter how much I make except for on my PWD days.

I’m so lost

Like I’m awful with money, I know this

All my life I’ve never saved a cent.

I’ve done dumb, desperate things, to try to get money

I hate money, but the original capitalistic need to have money got to me initially

Now it’s actual need most of the time

Last April to June was just me breaking

This life isn’t sustainable

If I don’t have entertainment I go insane

Sorry

And entertainment isn’t like needing to play games or watch TV all the time, I’d crochet and make things, do things

Probably try a lot more things

Be able to get access to materials that don’t hurt my hands so I could wrap stones more easily

Just things that make time go by if I can’t interact with any person in person

Everything is digital

I hate it

So much shit all the time

I want a simpler life that doesn’t involve being hungry all the time or being bored and alone out of my skull

This is probably going to be short, I have a headache, but I just wanted to say thank you.

To all you people who still read this or have joined in to read

I recieved my first tip on ko-fi yesterday from some lovely human who no doubt just wanted to brighten my day a bit

And I was in it yesterday

Petulant and not functioning

I use this site as a place to put my terrible thoughts

The ones that are caused by the culmination of all my life

Where I go in my worst moments

Because people should know what suffering looks like

And I say that not in that I want to be on display

But that someone has to write from the poverty point of view

The I can’t afford to publish my own book point of view

Afford the money nor the energy

People need to see the disabled point of view

And, yeah, I’m not myself when I’m suffering

No kidding

But y’all still here and I appreciate that

I see some names that have stuck around over the years and I appreciate you

I’m probably not going to be myself much over the next few months

I don’t know how I can be, facing the end of an actual era of my life

Again

For the worse

Again

I don’t know

I don’t feel like me at all right now

I feel locked behind doors of panic and fear

I may drop off the radar at some point

But I’m trying my best

I’m failing, but I’m trying my best.

Thanks for hanging around.

Thanks S, you allowed me to find a bit of light yesterday that got me out of bed and eating dinner, rather anything at all.

Forever appreciated