Elucidating Questions

I’m supposed to read one of my poems aloud

I want to

But the day slipped away

Maybe I’ll just hum Inu Yasha themes into Tik Tok

I am afraid to put my voice out there

Even in private conversation with people I know and trust I don’t feel comfortable doing vocal interaction online

Who knows why this is

Maybe it’s just a general distrust

I rarely make videos with me talking and when I do I’m nervous as hell

I hate my voice

I imagine it to be grating on other people

The couple videos I did singing were supposed to be something but they never were

There’s videos of me singing random Japanese songs on YouTube somewhere I’m sure

I used to be much for open with it

I don’t know what I’m hung up on

It would only take a second but apparently my executive disfunction has picked this

What would it mean to read it out how it was mean to be heard?

My bouncing from subject to subject

Ever trapped in intertextuality

It’s hard to believe that this trove of words has any worth

I wrote it

And its initial intented recipient never even read a word

How can there be value where he found none?

The hummingbird wants to know why I place worth in what he finds value in

It’s a fair question

I don’t know the answer

When the question is asked

As it is I turn back

Just for a moment

But it’s short lived, isn’t it?

A glance and then it slips back into place

Can I leave bare the intended reading?

Seeking solace in devices as usual

I don’t know if my voice is worthy of being heard

It hardly is ever heard

Isn’t that by design?

Shouldn’t I be silent in my corner?

Never growing out into their precious space

All the space around me

In this form I don’t fit within

Is this the place I’m meant to be?

Well, I suppose not, I’m moving in 4 months and 2 weeks.

I should start packing but I’m paralyzed by fear

I don’t know

I should do it

Read the poem

What else is my useless Instagram for?

I need to find ways to be accessible

Unfortunately poetry is the nichest thing I could have picked

But what would be the video?

Not me

God no

Perish the thought

And I don’t have much to film

Take video of

I have nothing to 撃う

I picked that kanji by reading not the actual kanji but the vibe of it

God I’m strange

I want to be fascinating

It just ended up happening in a weird way

Okay

I will make the video

I will

Just not today

I’m always missing the timing of my crash from work

I’m exhausted even though I slept

How does one create the future?

I imagine a world where everyone eats

Sleeps somewhere warm

Gets to indulge in activities that fascinate them

Where everyone contributes what they can and not what is demanded of them

But reality doesn’t look anything like that

I’ll try

I just have to get over myself first

Dear me from the past

Thanks

I know what you were doing

I didn’t want to pay for it all to be shipped or the duties

But you were just trying to ensure future me who is me now had something to do

You were so terrified of how it would be without anything that you over compensated

That’s me

Over compensating

So desperate to not feel poor

That you made us poor again

Ah the wheel

It turns and at moments it shines on me but it’s always temporary

I don’t want large sums of money just thrown at me

I’m irresponsible because I’m desperate and don’t now how not to be because of how I’ve lived

Don’t know how to fill all my alone time in such a way that it doesn’t lead to me feeling like I’m not doing anything

Which I know is a capitalist thing

I must be doing something productive

It means on me and makes me feel like I should be doing something

I see a day of playing games as wasted because it was just me

ライチュウありがとう

I know you try to do things so future me will have a better time

Even if you’re thinking about the right now

Without noticing, perhaps

We’re just very bad at being helpful

下手れで

Beautiful rain

If we’re connected like a relay

Passing it on forwards as long as we can

I’m glad we’ve started trying, at least, to make life for our future self better

We didn’t do that before

Is every meeting destined?

A resounding No from the Universe

What are they then?

That Happenstance thing?

How do you tell the difference between a destined meeting and a happenstanceical one?

Butchering English, that’s what we’re doing here

Nah, just playing with it how it was designed to be played with

Accidentally I’m sure

Was that destined?

Just then?

Was it not?

I rescued someone from having to buy new shoes for their kid

Oh look a murder of crows

Lewis?

Not for long

Counting down the days until I am who I say I am

I granted myself that wish and I am grateful

Expensive as it may have been

Was my wanting to change my name, destined?

What is destiny?

The home I want to return to, the friends I imagine, that I dream of

Are they even something I can go back to?

In my overdose dream

I was being constricted

Pressed in on from the outside

So different from the usual me spilling out of my body

Pressure from without

Then it was someone

Coaching me through awfulness

I remember almost giving up but I didn’t

I’ve spent years thinking over it

Was all of what has happened to me some plan?

I feel so out of control

So trapped

Getting by on chance meetings

If there was going to be destiny I’d have hoped mine was

Reaching the heights I wanted

With the people I wanted

I wish I knew what destiny is

What Happenstance is

I’m plagued by not knowing what my own future is

Do you ever eat something that contained seeds and then find a seed in your mouth later?

I’m sure some people spit them out but I always bite them because seeds usually taste really cool

I was eating an everything bagel a few minutes ago

Found a fun seed just now

See my life does contain what I would deem as good moments

I enjoy finding fun seeds

Because you usually only taste them as an accent

But my memory is so bad

I’m going to have forgotten about the seed but for this pretty much as soon as I’m done writing

Some days are dark

I keep hearing in my head

From my lovely commentator

You’re being negative

Be more positive

Echoing voices heard throughout my life

My brain does such a good job of telling me I’m not trying hard enough, I just need to get over it, whatever and what have you

When humans reinforce it I break a bit

But I have these moments

I have scattered memories

These little things in the world that challenge me to be awake and present

A bird landed by my foot on the doorstep at some point today I think or possibly yesterday

It wanted out of the rain

Then it saw me

But it’s such a privilege to have a wild thing so close even for a second

Just keep going

I feel like I lose something very important if I give up

But I’m terrified it’s a false flag and there’s really nothing here for me

Things just get harder

I live on less and less while prices go up

All the little moments are being dwarfed by the very real spectre of homelessness and starvation

I am fat, but I’m fairly certain I’m malnourished along with everything else

There’s no other explanation for this ravenous hunger when I’ve never really eaten much

Just terrible food, that’s all

I’m afraid and the little happinesses

I feel like they’re drowning alongside me

I wish I knew a way to magnify the happy things

It was a fun seed

Interesting that Facebook would make a Never Ending Story reference when I’ve been tortured by the concept of being nothing all day

My one great fear, born from a children’s movie

Nothing

Terrifying

What does nothing look like?

You say nothing but you’ve never seen nothing in your life

You’ve seen the absence of a thing

Never no actual thing

Atreyu dragging the horse through the mud

Both?

I’m both the horse and Atreyu or one or the other depending on the day

Insisting I can drag humanity through this somehow

Being dragged by the mysteries of the Universe

The brush of the wind on my cheek

The way a star shines

It’s interesting how that movie became a metaphor for my life without the hero

Just me

Alone in my castle

How I identified with that empress

Never knowing it was ironically probably because I’d be the one slowly disappearing

No hero

It’s reality afterall

There isn’t one

How do I wield my strength in ways that actually help me?

The clock is ticking

Am I about to be sent to some far off place to disappear faster?

I won’t have access to the services I need anymore

You wouldn’t have to drag me if it wasn’t so awful all the time

The world around me

My life

I crave stability

But it’s something I’ll find alone

I suppose

No one’s coming to my rescue