Elucidating Questions

This is probably going to be short, I have a headache, but I just wanted to say thank you.

To all you people who still read this or have joined in to read

I recieved my first tip on ko-fi yesterday from some lovely human who no doubt just wanted to brighten my day a bit

And I was in it yesterday

Petulant and not functioning

I use this site as a place to put my terrible thoughts

The ones that are caused by the culmination of all my life

Where I go in my worst moments

Because people should know what suffering looks like

And I say that not in that I want to be on display

But that someone has to write from the poverty point of view

The I can’t afford to publish my own book point of view

Afford the money nor the energy

People need to see the disabled point of view

And, yeah, I’m not myself when I’m suffering

No kidding

But y’all still here and I appreciate that

I see some names that have stuck around over the years and I appreciate you

I’m probably not going to be myself much over the next few months

I don’t know how I can be, facing the end of an actual era of my life

Again

For the worse

Again

I don’t know

I don’t feel like me at all right now

I feel locked behind doors of panic and fear

I may drop off the radar at some point

But I’m trying my best

I’m failing, but I’m trying my best.

Thanks for hanging around.

Thanks S, you allowed me to find a bit of light yesterday that got me out of bed and eating dinner, rather anything at all.

Forever appreciated

Pain management get

And all is right in the

It’s not though because I can’t afford food again which means another week of depression food

And Trump is going to be president

And Americans are telling me that I, as a Canadian, have no right to talk on their politics

Because apparently my province didn’t just almost elect a far right wing party because the swamp is fucking spilling over Linda

Her name isn’t Linda it just fit

Sorry Linda

I’m terrified

Gaza is fucked

Lebanon is fucked

My LGBTQIA+ siblings in the states

Every woman

I want to be there when his followers get fucked by him

Like I want to see the hope drain from their eyes

I don’t want to do anything bad to them

But I just want to see how it feels

Would I feel superior?

Would I feel bad for them?

Should I even feel bad for them?

I am all for loving thy neighbour

Up until the point said neighbour has a gun pointed at me, carries signs damning me to hell, or tries to take away the rights of women

Or anyone else

God

Were you not prepared for this animosity?

Yes you God with a capital you

Made in your image?

Such a vengeful

Nasty

Selfish

Narcissistic

Image

That eventually they’d be just like you?

Little mini gods

With guns!

My therapist was supposed to have surgery

My calendar just reminded my of our appointment that I tried to cancel on Monday

I just realised I haven’t heard anything at all

Thanks calendar, 5/10

I know the reason I’m more anxious than usual

Is that there’s so much anxiety

Just, everywhere

I feel, very much, like a shaken up pop right now

I would be that Sakura flavoured drink they released that year I lived in Japan

I probably taste like one that was made then too

I want to go home

That place where the light is

Had a replica

For a bit

Something about even an endless night having a dawn

They sing better songs in my dreams

But where is mine?

I believe I told you the last one was a fake

Where is the dawn for all these people?

All these people who are living similar lives to me?

Worse?

I wish I could be

Anything close to helpful

Trapped

They scream they have freedom with their legs anchored to the floor

I scream we don’t have freedom

They call me and all others like me insane

I’ll let you know how that went for them

It really feels like the sky is joining in when I cry

Every time I’ve come to the back door in tears it’s raining alongside me

It even eased off just now when I stopped crying

There are lots of reasons to cry

I was just crying because a person I follow on Instagram lost her soul cat last month and just announced she lost her dad on October 30th as well

Before that I was crying because a cat I follow has recovered from his illness to the point of bringing his mum stuffies again (which is his favourite thing to do)

Yup, the rain stopped as soon as my tears did

Peculiar

The sky took it personally when I said I didn’t have anyone to halve my tears with?

That moment of solidarity where the weather mirrors me

The opposite of those days the nice weather seemed to mock my pain

I’m massively uncomfortable right now, waiting until my dealer is up to bring me my weed

Being awake is hard

But I felt less alone when I opened the door and the sky was crying with me

It’s sad

To lose a parent is one of the most profound experiences a person can have

Because all at once that little person inside you who believed they’d always be there is proven wrong

I haven’t really experienced it yet

Besides people who claimed they were my parents and just disappeared like everyone else

“I love you like my own”

Your own should probably be careful then as your love is conditional

But the thought of losing my mum has weighed heavily on me

She’s sick, like me, but she’s had the disease for about 15 years longer, so it’s done worse to her body than mine, I’m sure

She had to get heart surgery because her heart was going too slowly

I cry for other people, a lot

I cry about my own pain, but usually I’m crying for others

I’ve been crying too much lately

Too many things going wrong

But, if the sky will cry with me

Maybe I won’t feel so alone

There’s nothing like suffering when you know others are having a good time

Be it me sitting at the backdoor in Summer, on my some several months alone, listening to people talking and laughing in the evening

Or just knowing that I’m the one in my family who’s struggling while others are just fine

Trying not to get jealous of the delicious food they’re probably eating while I’m eating crap

I don’t want to resent them

But I do

There’s nothing like hearing about how other people are enjoying themselves when I can’t

It’s just going to get worse

Either I’m in some house somewhere up island all alone or I’m here paying way too much rent to live in a trailer

Or I’m homeless

And I’d almost rather be homeless than live in the trailer

Everything feels like it’s mocking me

Like all the enjoyment is at my expense

And who cares if I sleep all day and don’t function and waste my life?

They’re all fine.

That’s what matters right?

That everyone else is fine

I just have to suffer through another night and another morning and then I can afford my pain management

My pain is meaningless to anyone but me

Doesn’t matter

Never did

Fucking condescending emojis

That actually mean Please shut up

And not what they actually mean

I don’t want to deal with you please go away – emoji

Just suffer in silence no one wants to hear about it

No one cares if I’ve been crying for two days straight

Or that I’m suffering

Or that I really want to take every pill in my house so I can just escape the fucking silence

As long as I’m suffering and silent everyone is happy

So often I feel like that wretch in Omalas who had to suffer so everyone else could enjoy life

They don’t care

I say I’m suffering they say “oh I’m sorry”

Hug emoji

It’s nothing

It’s empty words that won’t change my situation

Just ugly little words that don’t mean anything

I’m waiting for the drugs to kick in so I can go back to sleep

And fuck it if I need them later

No one gives a shit

It’s almost like they enjoy watching me suffer

Empty bullshit words

It’s like I’m stuck in a burning building calling for help and everyone walks past and just says “I’m so sorry” and keeps going

Nothing matters

I don’t matter

I never mattered

I want to get to enjoy today too but I can’t

So fuck it

Who the fuck cares if I don’t have pain management?

They can’t feel it

I want to die

I have nothing

I am nothing

Everyone else lives their lives around me like I don’t really exist

It must be nice to visit friends

Some of us don’t get friends

Some of us never get friends

And I’m suffering

So I cried

Which made the pain worse

And now I’m too tired to cry anymore

Just drops pouring out

Oh look the sky is joining me

Destroyed a frozen pie because it wouldn’t open so I chucked it at the floor

If there was any question who’s holding the reigns right now the throwing definitely answered it

Fucking shit piece of sad frozen crap that makes me want to cry more

I was eating food

Like real food

Vegetables for the first time in over a decade

Like real vegetables not those shit boiled to fuck freeze dried is there even nutrients in this tasteless tiny blocks of fucking is it even a vegetable anymore

Have no weed so I’m experiencing my pain as a normal person and not as a drugged to not care about it person

And my mum oh I’m so sorry honey I love you

Yeah enjoy your friends

I’ll be here alone like I always am like you never were but you like to pretend you have any idea what being entirely alone for almost a decade feels like

Yeah, I’m sorry too

Sorry that taking an entire bottle of Tylenol when I was 15 didn’t work

It’s punishment for daring to enjoy myself for a bit

And everyone agrees

I hope I die

I just want to stop existing

I’m afraid of dying, but

This isn’t worth it

None of it is

My life is over in four months anyways

I don’t want to exist if I have to live like this again

Eating one bowl of cereal and one single chicken pot pie a day yet magically still being over 200 pounds

I don’t know why I’m even here?

No one wants me and if they do they want me to be fine and silent and never tell them I have any problems

They don’t want to spend time with me, or even see me in person

Just want me to exist simultaneously to them

Fuck this fucking writer it’s shit and I hate it and I’m f