Elucidating Questions

I have to try to go home now

You have to leave

What a thing to say

What a thing to say to someone

But I only ever find home alone

In the moments I am alone I find home

In moments

Always fleeting

I feel at home for just seconds

Or minutes

Just never with anyone else

And I want to go home you see

So you have to leave

But please come back because I hate being alone and this is the least alone I’ve been in years

It’s no longer a dress rehearsal it’s no longer prep for distant futures it’s just

Thinking of you

Thinking of you and then thinking

I’m in the wrong

Because after all I just wanted to save you and you’re saved so where does my mind even go?

What saving you is done

How does it save you

To think of things never coming never happening

How far do I have to go before thoughts of you are gone

I wish I could know

How I wish I could know

How to make these none premonitions go

Why does it mirror itself

Why can I not just forget you

If I don’t love you?

It’s better than it was it’s something else

Something else so there’s no need to think of it or worry

I wish I could stop thinking about this disgusting fantasy

I wish you could hear my father say disgusting so you know what I hear

All British disappointment and

Dripped in poison

I wish I could stop finding myself thinking of him and thinking we would be together

Or even talking

Or even thinking of him

I wish I could stop it drop it roll it

And then smoke it away like I wish I could drink it away

Like I wish doing all these drugs made it actually disappear

Seeing him and missing him and knowing she is out there missing him and she actually gets to stop missing him someday

How my mind can’t handle how my heart hurts silently wishing them all the best through the tears I stopped shedding

When my heart stopped beating

When I stopped speaking

With my heart

I’m just a worrier

A warrior

Of worrying

A champion?

Worry worry worry

Love is passing me by

It just passed by

Did you see it pass by

Passerby

As it does

There it goes I suppose it was wonderful while I worried while it lasted

Come and gone like the perfect storm

It’s just putting them there for the effect of the effect

Is it sarcasm or heartfelt

Who knows anymore

No one knows anymore

This means war?

This Means War?

As of course as soon as I think of him he exists times the times since the moment I came for

What

God Joshua your songs make me scream at ghosts

Never ever ever never

Imagine seeing I can see I never get to know what being loved feels like

If only I had some dew of me I could put on people’s eye lids

Shakespeare

God you’re weird

This means what?

Lover from another

Time

Who appears to be speaking directly to me

Stop it you cad

Why do I feel I’ve just opened an entire box of desperately loving

Yet another lover

Written in pages

These daytime nightmares are wearing me down

This should would could haven’t won’t never just keeps going round

The thoughts of having thought of sleep because it’s there

Only ever do I remember it having been there in the darkness the dark place the dream space the only world I understand

Never had I thought perhaps it wasn’t worth a closer look I merely never would without being told to

I’m running out of time to have a happy life my days are numbered and they’ll end

When they do will it be without having known

What a real ending looks like

Any good one