Elucidating Questions

I’m still shook shaking

The symbol for my adoptive grandmother

The hummingbird has become so there in my life but

There are two and

I don’t know how

They are because where her bench is dragonflies fly everywhere

Next to a lake

But this is not there and

I flinched as one flew by

Despite the spectacularity of it

Where did it come from?

I flinched because I remembered her

And I feel I must have disappointed

What a nightmare

At least there aren’t night terrors

I’ve seen this many times

Friends don’t lie

Friends are forever

Friends

Have never been like this

They’ve always lied and walked away eventually

I can’t seem to reconcile

How friends could be anything other than temporary people who wander in and out

No one ever stays

It’s better to never get attached so when they leave it doesn’t kill you

Or to just be alone I suppose that’s why I have no friends

No one ever stays

Water filled moments in tiny unknown flecks

As oxygen as water and it comes inside

How to breathe only what is told to be breathed

When they forget half the equation

And compliance is impossible

A nightmare

Whispered the terror over the wandering mage

A dark communication

As the moon fades away

Just picking at the scraps that are left behind even so simple a mind can engineer

A bellow in my ear

My dear friend

Hello

Compassion makes a quiet entry

Are you kidding he was screaming

No you’re right, a quiet messenger in the darkness

Thank you friend

If there can truly be a wellness following a nightmare such as this I hope finding it is not the battle it usually is

Behind it is

Lying

Dishonour

Easy love

And possessiveness

What a dream metaphor

I spent hours

Dream hours

Cleaning the house that

Well

My best friend of eighteen years and her husband lived in

They were not present

If they were they didn’t see, hear, or speak to me.

Cleaning

There were other odd things that made it a dream

I never went back to the same room twice, but it was always where my stuff was

Trying to fit infinite items into a tiny box

There were people in some of the rooms who didn’t belong there

I went out for smoke breaks though

My mind getting tricksy

Two things were true

The house was never clean

I was never able to leave

One in the morning

After after after

My sister sleeps on the couch for some reason in a room absolutely blasting ONE OK ROCK

At this point

It was at this point

I just decided to leave

Into the streets

Find a car that stops they’re kind people

And the dream returns to regular programming

Save the world

Stop the bad guy

Here’s your boyfriend for the night

All that jazz

But what a dream

Did anything ever really come clean

Is it still filled with too many figurines

Clothes everywhere

What are they?

Griefs?

Grudges?

What do I hold that I cannot clean?

Too much to discern from a dream?

Do I dwell too much on dreams again?

Perhaps my mind just misses them and wanted to trap me in the world I would expect from them

The Empress sitting on high ignoring my very self

The Joker sitting around finding ways to be, silent, never at all concerned with me

The left reality

What comes after

The Mother standing but when I walk in there is no flinch like I’m not even there

As I ducked between her and the Scotsman I thought

They don’t love me anymore

With a babe I never see growing behind the door

Where I will never be welcome

I awake exhausted and yes

I know it was her birthday yesterday

So I wished someone else happy birthday.

My mind

How cruel to afford me hours upon hours of the reason I can never go back

To drop my sister who will never speak to me at the end

For some reason ONE OK ROCK again

I cannot fathom perhaps I don’t want to

Does it truly boil down to

I miss her

I was afraid as fuck

It was so fucking dark

They hate me

I will ask the cards.

I am a chameleon

In such a way I don’t see the similarities between me and them

Those who I am in the moment as needed always different always changing always

I don’t see myself in the mirror

I am nothing in a word, nothing in the grand scheme

Yet these alterations of self

Yet never seeing myself during the day

As I search for a something

An anything

I don’t recognise myself